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My husband broke me

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by IamGold, May 19, 2018.

  1. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I'm rapidly running out of places/people to pour out my feelings. so now I'm back here.
    I feel so broken inside that i don't think I can handle this anymore. I feel like I'm trapped in a cage with no way of escaping.. I'm not even sure if I wanna escape. But the way my addicted husband has betrayed me so profoundly is unbearable to me.

    The porn addiction and the way he kept it secret for years, almost(?) cheating, looking at other women and my friends and objectifying them... It stung me, but I can handle that. He's only human and humans make all kinds of mistakes. By all means it's not easy for me, but we've been working through some of it. Some things I've already been able to forgive, some are still under discussion. Many things are still causing pain for me (and him).

    The true shock came to me slowly (but painfully). I've realized that he doesn't care. I know it sounds silly that that's the worst thing for me, but it really is. I'm not sure if he ever did care anyone except himself. The worst part is that for all these years he made me believe he did. His recovery has taken the spotlight in our marriage. It's all about how HE feels and how was HIS day. God forbid if he has even the smallest little problem. It's like the end of the world for him. There really is no room for my feelings then. And when he is in a good mood and things are nice and easy he wants it to stay that way. If I make the mistake of trying to open up and express my hurt feelings then, It's a s**tstorm. It's really taxing and lonely to be married with someone who's so wrapped around himself and his issues that he doesn't want to think about anything or anyone else at all.
    It's been like this for months now and it's this that has broken my heart. It feels so overwhelmingly hurtful to see his face tighten up in anger when all I want is for him to comfort my aching soul even the tiniest bit. My pleas for some love and understanding doesn't soften his heart anymore and my gut wrenching sobs just make him retreat further away.
    Lately we've had fights every week and they all have started the same way: Me trying to get him to show that he cares and that I'm important to him, and him getting angry at me for it. I've tried every possible approach I can think of but the end result is always the same. Then I usually either get mad and start yelling or get sad and start crying. Now I've run out of energy and faith.

    After our rows he is always sorry and suddenly very driven to own his mistakes and learn from them. He always promises me to be more heartfelt next time and not think of me as the enemy. For such a long time, I believed him every time. It's like he's encouraging me to jump from a cliff and promising to catch me but when I'm making my jump and I'm already falling, i see him turning his back and starting to walk away.
    A couple days ago, after our last fight i made a decision not to jump anymore. I just can't anymore, I won't.
    I'd rather swallow the hurt he's caused with his addiction than to smash to the rocks over and over again.

    I don't have faith that we can get through this. The thought makes my insides turn upside down in one horrifying motion and I'm indescribably comfortless and sad, but how could we. He's not who I thought he was. I thought that I was so special to him. When I look at him now, I feel like i don't recognize him anymore. He's drifted so far away from me and us that i just don't know how this could be fixed. He's not mine anymore. But he doesn't know, because he doesn't want to.
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2018
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  2. Hey @IamGold, so sorry to hear what you're going through.

    Sending you sympathy and best wishes.
     
  3. akrivane

    akrivane Fapstronaut

    I am sorry to hear about your sadness. I had a taste of that some time ago with my boyfriend.
    It started with me being there for him, understanding his issues, cause he had some. And since i did not at first like to talk abt mine. I did not notice at first.
    But there came a time when I would want to confide in him, but it was like talking to a wall. Sometimes i would feel bad, have my own issues, and since thats the time he was supposed to comfort me, actually he would choose to ignore me. Later saying that he thought that was wat he thought was best. In brief, he was never able to comfort me when i needed it or never at all.
    I know what you mean when you say feeling like him not caring is the worst part. For me, it would feel like a knife in my heart when i would think that he didnt really care. Coz u know that someone who cares will want you to be good, and therefore try to ease some of your pain and do it. Not jst say words abt it.

    Anyway, I think for your own health and heart, this is the strategy you can adapt. Waiting on him to be there for you is killing you. Therefore for a certain time, believe that you are living with a roommate. Someone you share a roof. And then start caring about yourself on your own. Treat yourself to some small or big things u like to do. Make yourself feel beautiful. Not for any one else than you. Build yourself.
    Even if he gives you compliments at the beginning, ignore them. Dont let them get to your heart, because you are still building yourself.

    In the end, if you still want your man:
    You might have noticed that usually people get interested in others who don't give a shit about them. As your husband would have noticed that you have your own things going on, which dont include him, he ll actually end up wanting to be part of it. But even if he does, you have to know that your happiness is your own business. You can not rely on him for that. He ll just be a part of the things that contribute to yours. And a small part in your case.

    Life throws all sort of things at us. What we have to do is make strategies to deal with them. Coz we should not let them continue to overcome us.

    Good luck and have courage in buildind yourself again. And i am really sorry you are going through all of that.
     
  4. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had also gotten to the point of distancing myself from my bf, it was the only thing I could do to protect myself. You do what you have to. Now we are both working on our relationship and getting better, closer. But I'm afraid it sounds like your husband is not at that point yet. Have either of you looked into therapy? Together or separate? Sometimes you can not just fight this alone. Whatever you do I wish you luck and there is always support here if you need it.
     
  5. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry for your pain. My thought is that maybe he needs to feel the loss of you before he really is motivated to change, because what you've done in the past isn't working. You keep hoping and trusting just by his words of promise. An analogy that I'm thinking in my head. What if you put a safety net at the bottom of the cliff (prepare for the next jump by making sure you are financially and emotionally ready to take the fall) and then jump (as in separate from him) and land on your own safety net so that when he turns his back, you will be safe and he will feel that you don't need him and I think that will scare (or motivate) him to get his act together and if it doesn't, then at least you will have caught yourself with your net and pick yourself up and carry on.
     
  6. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I am sorry that you are going through this .. NONE of this is your fault.

    Is your husband trying to stop looking at porn?
    Does he recognize that it is a problem and does he want to stop?
    Does he acknowledge that he is a PA? (porn addict)

    If he on NoFap? If not, do you think he would be willing to look at NoFap / read the various forums and really consume the information about PA and Recovery from PA?

    You cannot force him to pursue his own recovery.
    You need to protect yourself from repeating patterns of harm and pain.

    I hope this NoFap community can be a help and resource and source of comfort for you. And I REALLY hope that your husband will come here as well and be open to learning and understanding that he has a problem but there is a [difficult] way out.
     
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  7. jyvais

    jyvais Fapstronaut

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    Recovery is a trap, before we were so selfish that couldn't see anything but ourselves. When rebooting it's easy to do the same thing and feel at the center of the world. Yes we are sober but often believe we deserve recognition from our SO which is ironic. Nothing change we only redirect our emotional need in some other way because we learned and trained our mind for years to approach any situation and any challenge from an emotional stand point. We are just finding a different outlet for our crave, it's still all about us ... I don't think recovery is possible if this is not addressed, learning to do things for others and with a total abstraction of ourselves, almost altruistic is a good peek to understand how we can be perceived. It's hard but it does help to channel our emotions differently and gain conscience and accountability. I'm surprised he's still with a lot of anger, recovery gives a deeper sense of why we get angry ... generally it's to hide our lies. Is he on nofap, what's his strategy?
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2018
  8. Hi, @IamGold

    Like what @jyvais was saying, a person in true recovery will be cured of their selfishness and self centered nature. That is the root of the disease. The porn is but a symptom. If a person quits porn but does not address this, it is like being a "dry drunk". Ironically, in early recovery, an addict must deeply focus on themselves to resolve their own issues, not in a selfish way, but they must look deep down into their soul to see who they really are and what made them this way. As a person grows in their recovery, they emerge from this cocoon and start cleaning up the mess they made, mending their relationships, and becoming better citizens in the world. Ultimately, they become a person dedicated to a new way of living which is to live as selflessly as one possibly can.

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through and it's not silly at all that the worst part is he doesn't seem to care. Don't minimize that or walk away from those feelings at all. That truly is the worst part. If I found out my wife had a secret addiction, I would feel angry and betrayed, but I would want her to get better and I would support her. We could get through that. If she constantly showed me she didn't care about me and could not change in spite of all the pain behind my eyes, I would be crushed.

    You are lovable, you deserve to be loved, and you are worthy of the love of others. This problem is totally his, it is not a reflection on you at all. And sorry after the fact doesn't cut it. I'm glad you have decided that for yourself as well.

    Peace to you,
    -Quinn
     
  9. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Thank you guys for your support and comments. You truly made me feel a bit less lonely and sad.
    For the past few days I've distanced myself from him quite alot. Like @akrivane @Numb and @BetrayedMermaid said, at certain point it's the only possible thing to do anymore. I have to protect myself from the hurt he's causing me. The distance has helped me to start feeling a little stronger and mentally I've already started to process the fact that this might be the end of our marriage. The rational side of me wants to close this chapter and move on, but still with every piece of my broken heart I long for his affection. It saddens me to remember how safe and loved I felt with him when we married. And my chest aches to think that he might not be the one who's hand I'll be holding when I'm old and gray.

    @TryingHard2Change Yes, he has been sober for about 6 months, as far as i know. I do believe him, but of course I can't be 100% certain. 8 months ago he found NoFap and told me about his addiction. For what I've seen, he's been very motivated to recover. He is in the process of dealing with the underlying reasons.

    The selfishness that @jyvais and @TheMightyQuinn talked about has however not gone away. He's really thirsty for praises and usually his anger comes from feeling that I don't appreciate all his efforts. He can't stand feeling like a complete failure or a "bad guy", and when he does, he gets mad. It's very difficult, because it seems that every time I try to tell him that I'm hurt or angry by what he has done, he interprets my comments as criticism to his whole person. Then the thought chain that follows: He starts feeling like a complete failure and begins pitying himself. Then he gets angry at me for making him feel that way and lashes out. Then a complete stone wall. I've found that it really doesn't matter how I approach him.
    Every time that happens I feel like I'm stuck in a stampede of angry elephants. He clearly feels it's enough that he's abstained from PMO and doesn't understand that he has to do a lot more for this to be a succesful marriage.

    In the past, especially before I knew that he was a PA, I used to be like a mother hen for him. I was acting co-dependent and on my part enabled him to be free of responsibility. He didn't have to think about the consequences for his actions, because I did it for him. I always let him off too easy and took a lot of the blame on myself if things had gone bad. If there was a fight, I was the one who made all the thinking and planning on how we'll get through it and he was just able to follow in my footsteps. Not once he had to make a real effort at fixing our problems. So maybe I am partly to blame for this mess we're in.
    When he was a child, his parents never made him take responsibility for his actions either, or taught him to be sorry and apologise. I, on the other hand, was raised to carry everybody else on my shoulders. A real match made in heaven.
    A few months back I stopped acting co-dependently. In our case it means that I've started to expect an effort on his part too and forced him to face the fact that I am a human and that I have feelings, which he has hurt. Maybe the sudden change from being totally carefree to this quite harsh reality of our failing marriage has taken its toll on him and the anger comes from just being exhausted and overwhelmed. I don't know.

    Yesterday he confronted me because he had felt the distance between us. I wanted to stick to my decision to not jump from the cliff anymore and just lied that everything was okay. It felt really stupid and it just wasn't the right thing to do. It took me several hours to gather my courage, then I opened my mouth and words just started to pour out. For the final time, I decided to explain very thoroughly and in great detail what I've been thinking and feeling. I didn't censor anything, I even let him read my personal journal where I've poured my most inner and raw emotions and thoughts with brutal honesty. I told him that this is the absolute last time i'll reach out to him, and that it really is up to him now how he wants to act on all this information.
    At this point, I can't do much else but wait and see what happens.
     
  10. Hi @IamGold,

    There's something in what you have written here that sounds different to me than just PA or SA. The getting mad, self pity, apologizing loop...it sounds like spousal abuse. I don't know what's going on, I don't know you and I haven't observed your marriage but there's just something about it that is eerie to me. How does he "lash out"? Does he pout, shout, throw things? stomp his feet? huff and puff? Has he ever laid a violent hand on you?

    In my first marriage, I was the PA, but I got clean. A year after that, I started to see clearly that my spouse had always been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. There was a loop pattern to it like this. I left the relationship. At first I escaped, like a battered spouse. I did not want her to know where I was and I communicated for the first few weeks through a therapist office.

    Peace to you,
    -Quinn
     
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  11. Hi @IamGold,

    Just following up on my post, I didn't get to finish.

    It sounds like you are married to a king/baby narcissist. It just sounds so familiar to me. But I could never know, I could easily just be projecting.

    As for codependcy, I have done 5 years of codepency recovery. I'm not one who believes that a codependent can just snap their fingers and stop acting that way. I would encourage you to look into some sort of long-term recovery for yourself. If you were a mother-like figure in a marriage from day one, even before discovery of his PA, you have something you need to look into yourself.

    Trust me, been there done that. I was a "parent" in my first marriage. "Parent" and "addict". It was beyond crazy.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
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  12. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    @TheMightyQuinn , Yes I can see why your mind goes there, and you are right, it's not just PA. There's more issues in our marriage. Let's just say that we've never been an ideal couple. When we met i was recovering from severe depression. It took me many ears in therapy to get healthy again, and in some aspects I'm still recovering. During those years i also dealt with my co-dependent tendencies and was able to get rid of many destructive behavioral patterns. During my marriage i did slip back to co-dependency without realizing it. This time it manifested itself differently than before so I didn't see anything wrong about the way I was acting at the time. When i did however, I stopped the behaviour to my best abilities. I think I was able to choose how I acted and knew what i had to do, because I have so many years of dealing with this under my belt. It is still a struggle and I don't succeed every time.

    My husband is also co-dependent, but his is a bit different than mine. While i'm the one who sacrifices myself for others' happiness, solves their problems for them, and try to live peoples' lives for them with a big voice, he's a people pleaser. He's the one that follows orders never questioning, never telling his opinion or showing his feelings no matter how much someone hurts him. He bottles all his emotions and has no voice at all. Or didn't have until now.
    PMO has been his coping mechanism since he was a teenager and he has never learned how to face problems in any other way. Now, when he has started to get the fact that he is allowed to show his negative emotions, I guess his anger is bound to go a bit overboard since he doesn't know how to regulate it and he can't escape to PMO. It's just very hurtful to be on the receiving end. When he lashes out it's usually that he says something like "you ruined my day when you had to bring this up" or "I'm so fed up with never being good enough". He usually says it with great frustration and I can see all the anger building up but never really releasing fully or if he lets the anger take over he sort of jumps angrily, waves his hands in the air and shouts the words like a kid. At that point my reaction is to tell him that he can talk to me if he feels he can do it calmly, and just leave.

    He's never made me feel like I wouldn't be safe around him, and he would never lay a finger on me. But I do think that this endless loop of making a mess of things and then begging for forgiveness could be some sort of abusive pattern. He does have narcissistic qualities and I have been worried about that. By all means I'm not a professional or anything, but what I've researched on the subject, it seems that he couldn't be diagnosed as a "full" narcissist and his tendencies are quite mild. I'm not sure if it is a permanent part of his personality or if he's like that because his regressive in other ways too. I mean, in some aspects he is kind of stuck in child-like behavior, and at certain age children are very narcissistic. Maybe he needs to grow up. I dont know. All i really do know is that things can't continue this way.
     
  13. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Funnily enough my bf says he feels like he is finally growing up since quitting PM. Hopefully your husband can learn some healthy coping mechanisms and outgrow this phase.
     
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  14. jyvais

    jyvais Fapstronaut

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    Hi @IamGold

    I’m a PA and I’m also a husband. My addiction went south about 4 years ago although I have always used p sporadically since young age. For years I’ve been acting in a very similar way than your husband. I can’t deny that I had a very hard time accepting criticism from my wife. So when she showed her ressentment, sadness or attempted to be vocal about her feelings, anger was my escape. I had to hide the real problem and often cultivated anger as a response to evade reality. I even believed my anger was justified and I always found a world of reasons to sustain my rethoric. However, I never been violent physically and never been derrogative with insults either. I was just studborn giving my selfish perspective a priority that would dismiss her feelings. I was so self absorbed with no empathy and no consideration for the impact of my atitude that I projected my lacks on everybody, nothing was ever good enough. There was a price tho, in spare moments of “mental clarity” I knew I was deceitful, a traitor, I wasn’t keeping up with my side of the bargain, I only took from her and didn't give anything like I was supposed to. The vision of myself not being righteous and good enough, facing my failure, being a liar and undeserving of her love produced more despair. I had to survive the pain and did it with a relentless dissatisfaction and anger in one hand and pmo on the other no pun intended. I was constantly on the defensive counter attacking any prospect from her to show me my true colors. As soon she would say something, even minimal I started throwing poisonous darts to shut her down. I criticized her for the slightest thing knowing she was much better than me. It didn't feel good but I had the remedy programed in my addicted mind. I didn’t see P or anger as a catalyst at the time. On the opposite, they were the cure to my anxiety, the weight in the balance that would carry my emotional survival and of course there was no way to tell my wife why I was so angry. I was scared and terrified to loose the only thing genuinely good in my life and never thought she felt herself already lost.

    Like all the SO, Dday brought my wife’s world down much like the picture of The Tower in the Tarot card, there’s no more structure, everything is crumbling, all our past is gone and tainted. She feels insecure, stupid for trusting me all those year and for not being able to see what was going on. She feels used and waisted and wonder why it had to happen to her. On the other side, she doesn't hate me and hope we can rebuild a better life. I'm sure the idea of leaving has crossed her mind and if we were younger, I have no doubt that she would be long gone. At the begining I didn’t even realized how much resentment I caused and mistaken her strenght as an attenuator to my actions, it was short lived. As the days go by, I know how difficult it is for her and despite our sincere efforts to overcome this challenge, there are good an bad days, it's inevitable. Despite the circumstances, I wasn't an asshole all the time, we had great moments during our life together and achieved many dreams. I like to think that's the value that somehow keeps us together. The idea that I might loose her is terrible and I’m being extremely cautious with my reactions but I assume that it might happen. She’s not pointing fingers either but while she’s here in body, I know her soul is sometime far away. Some days the distance between us is bigger and feeling her detachment is sad and scary but I get it. I provoked this situation, she didn't ask for it. Doubting has become a second nature for her, how else could it be? Facing this reality brings up an whole new range of dynamics, I can only have one direction and I must do whatever it's necessary to make her happy inside. I’m learning to live my frustrations without recurring to anger, hearing her words is hard but like I said, this is not about me anymore, this is bigger. Putting myself behind is a lot of work but brings also a lot of satisfaction, I'm doing the right thing. It’s not easy but my dedication to this reboot and my determination in giving her a better life helps me at the same time. Recovery can only come from love and there’s no place in my mind for negative thoughts. When I feel down, it’s like feeding the addiction again and anger becomes predominant triggering all kind of bad stuff, pulling me out of the sleazy emotions is what's all this is really about, after all pmo is just the outlet, the end of the path of anger.

    I know how I feel after only 50 days sober and believe that after 6 months things will only look better. IMO, your husband might have relapsed or doesn’t feel adequate for other reasons. In any case it's addiction related, his anger isnt about you, it’s self directed and you are caught in the middle. Check his computer, do it with him present, start with his browser history, do a search for jpg files, unerase the trash bin and observe his reaction. If he's still using, he'll be nervous and angry. If he's clean, he won't mind and might even help you. Then alone, look at a deeper level to dismiss any suspicion. I won't tell here how but there's a way to find the evidences. Confront him and keep pressuring, tell him how hurt you are until he really gets it because that's the only way he will change, that's the only way you can save your relationship. At this point you have nothing to loose since you’re already have one foot out of the door so go big or go home.

    I sincerely wish you both the best,

    PS: something should be done at schools to teach kids how porn destroy lives, teacher talk about alcohol, heroin but why not educate kids about porn. Just a thought ...
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2018
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  15. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    @jyvais i like the way you write about these things.

    I resonate with your thoughts on the hiding behind his anger part. There's something that causes him to have this fight or flight reaction and I can only quess what it is. My best bet is that he's not ready to admit that he is a traitor, a cheater and a liar. That he wants to hold on only to the good sides of himself, like being a great provider, a good friend and a kind person. He has told me that knowing his flaws has always made him ashamed of himself and that he feels he has to put up a good front. In his words: he's afraid that if he lets people see that he's not an entirely good person, they will abandon him. He comes from a broken home and was "raised" by his alcoholic father, who acted almost exactly the same way.

    But what do I really know. I can't rule out that he still might be PMOing. I've looked through his phone many times, I've checked his messages and such, and he's helped me do it and hasn't seemed nervous about it. If he recieves messages he brings me his phone without looking at it, so I can see who's messaging him. He doesn't use our computer that much, but I've been snooping in there too. He hasn't gotten angry if I've bombarded him with questions about his sobriety and if I've been suspicious. We take a moment every night when he tells me if he has had any urges and fills me in on his thoughts about his PA. He has seemed genuinely proud of being sober.
    Because of the way he's been handling this, I'm not immediately suspecting him for relapsing and lying about it, but like for many SOs, it's still hard for me to trust my husband. There's always the possibility that he could me fooling me. I'm curious about the secret way you mentioned of finding out the evidence. Can you PM me what you meant?
     
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  16. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    What a post @GhostWriter ! Thank you for your trouble.I wish I had the energy to post you a better reply, but it's almost 3AM and I'm tired and sad.
    Since so many of you who replied to this thread felt so suspicious on why my husband is so angry, I decided to just ask him straight.
    I had to pry it out of him, but he confessed that he's been PMOing this whole 8 months.

    I have no words.
     
  17. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Your husband has to want to change .. he has to want to admit and be strong enough to admit when he messes up, i.e. he is going to have to start being honest.

    This is critically important for you => You. Cannot. Do. His. Recovery. For. Him. ... Nor can you FORCE him to do recovery. Actually, you distancing yourself from your husband might be the only way he pursues recovery.

    You need to do what you need to do to protect yourself; establish boundaries; kick him out of the house; whatever the particulars are. You are going to have to act out Tough Love / Bold Love and help him realize and understand that you are not going to live in a Porn-filled marriage.

    I am so sorry that the last 8 months is not what you thought / not what you expected / certainly not what you deserved. Stay strong..keep coming back here to NoFap.

    Is your husband on NoFap? Has he started a journal? Does he have an accountability partner (or two or three)? Please pass my name on to him.
     
  18. I am so sorry you're going through this. Learning that everything you've been told...everything you wanted to believe...everything you needed to be true...is a lie. That is a pain like no other. It's so unfair. I wish I could say something to ease your suffering, but I know I can't. My heart goes out to you. :(
     
  19. danhk

    danhk Fapstronaut

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    How can somebody unironically write this? Despite being bad advice for obvious reasons.
     
  20. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Thanks for bolding thay statement and leaving the following line which says "whatever the particulars are"...

    You do realize that sometimes being kicked out / being separated is the BEST thing to save a marriage. NOT every time..but sometimes, yes.

    My wife and I separated for 3 months...separate continents! She had to move out..she took the kids back home to the States (we fully agreed to this)...it was the HARDEST thing on me personally. But, it was the best thing for her / for our family / for our marriage.

    I am in NO WAY saying that every wife should do this. But if the husband continues to lie....at some point, something has to be done before divorce in my opinion. In-house separation is in option; physical separation; etc.
     
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