My Horrifying and Probably Unethical Bird Porn Experiment

So I read on Gary Wilson's site (yourbrainonporn.com) that one of the biggest pieces of evidence for porn addiction comes from experiments in which rats became sexually aroused repeatedly when presented with novel partners. I've always been a bit of a "scientist" (I don't have a degree but I've seen over 200 episodes of "Bill Nye, the Sciences Guy" and also know some facts about Space). So I had the idea to do a little experimentation of my own:

The Experiment:
1) I filmed birds having sex. Not just sex, but doing the raunchiest, dirtiest bird-stuff you can possibly imagine. I had to spend over 200 hours in nature to get five minutes of the kind of footage I wanted, but believe me, it was sick. Birds are fucking perverts. ("Birdverts?")

2) I set up a 96-inch plasma-screen TV and surround sound system around my birdbath. Then, I set up the five minutes of footage I had to play on repeat with the volume cranked up to 140 decibels.

3) I created a "control group," but since I only have one birdbath, I instead buried a second TV in the rabbit warren on the other side of my house. On this TV, I exclusively played old episodes of Amos & Andy.

Results:
1) Within three days the birds were refusing to leave the birdbath. They just stood there watching, beating their big meaty bird-dicks against the cold stone of the birdbath and eventually spilling copious amounts of birdsemen everywhere. Eventually there was more birdsemen than water in the birdbath. It was disgusting.

2) Lady birds started ignoring the birdbath entirely, except for the former first lady Lady Bird Johnson, who on Day 4 joined the males and began rubbing herself while making soft crooning noises.

3) By Day 8, most of the birds were suffering from severe PIED and just stood there, slack-beaked, watching. Their bird-dicks, now flaccid, dragged along the bottom of the birdbath.

4) By Day 14, all of the birds had died of starvation. Even Lady Bird Johnson wasn't doing too good. I picked up their feeble corpses and buried them in the backyard, then removed the TV, and said a prayer for the fallen avians. They didn't ask for this. Now my birdbath still smells like birdsemen and I can't get it out and my dad keeps asking what it is and I don't know what to tell him so I just shout "Birdsemen!" and start laughing maniacally and that usually shuts him up.

5) The rabbits in the rabbit warren did not suffer the same fate, although they ended up becoming extremely racist.

6) Apparently playing bird-porn at 140 decibels was an extreme nuisance in my neighborhood as it is actually as loud as a jet engine when taking off and cracked several of my neighbors' windows and caused them permanent hearing damage. I am facing criminal charges and up to ten years in jail. With all my heart, I regret this experiment.

Conclusions:
Maybe you think your porn addiction is bad, but you've got nothing on birds.

 

It is 100 percent real. I am now facing additional charges because thousands of gallons of birdsemen from the birdbath leaked into my city's water supply and people are getting cancer because birdsemen is a known carcinogen. The city's large Latino community has started referring to me as "El gringo con el semen de la muerte" and I have been beaten in effigy form a thousand times. I wish I had never been born.

 

This is actually untrue, and I would know, because I conducted this experiment and have killed the vast majority of my hometown in order to find this information. Birds actually have penises that are similar in length to humans', even when the bird is several times smaller. For instance, Carl, a male raven involved in my experiment, had a 6.5 inch bird-dick, which is the same length as the rest of him put together. The size of birds' big meaty dicks is surely owing to the wonders of Science.