My girlfriend is really hurt, looking for advice especially from the women in here please?

To be honest there isn't a lot you can SAY to make things better. You have to show by your actions that you have left PMO in the past. Many women here will say the worst part isn't the porn but the lies, deceit, and secrecy. They view watching porn as a betrayal. They have every right to demand exclusivity from us. Unlike other addictions, this one cuts right to their self-esteem and self-worth.

The words and promises of an addict have no value. They have lost faith and trust in us. Trust is reestablished with a thousand little actions that make them feel safe. By developing qualities such as trustworthiness, integrity, honesty, transparency, and empathy we give them concrete reasons to trust us again.

The only words you can offer is to apologize, take responsibility, accept ownership, and work every day to be the man your SO deserves.

 

This is pretty much on the money. You have to show her, not tell her. I would also highly advise against debating her on what truly merits 'cheating' or not. If you try to convince her that you didn't really cheat, regardless of how she views it, you're gonna come across as sounding like you're defending your behavior.

 

Hey man, been in your very same boat. I've hurt my significant other many times over and it sucks hurting the ones we truly love. Here's the thing I'm learning.... you can't say, you have to show. When I tell her I'm getting help, I made a therapy appointment, when I told her it'd never happen again, I showed her. Tough spot to be in because as we keep doing the little things to disappoint I've found the lack of trust really goes down. I tell ya what since being on here, giving up porn completely and really being open with her I feel like we're really getting somewhere. Key thing is open communication, and ya know... she's gonna get mad but help her understand the process and what your going through. Best of luck, let me know how it goes.

 

Partner of a man with PIED here. My advice is be honest to a fault with her about everything. Even if it embarrasses you tell her. Tell her daily that you have not viewed porn and reconfirm your commitment to never do it again. Give her access to your computer and put porn blockers on all your devices. Initiate sex more compliment her. Don't be defensive do not argue with her and do not try to justify what you did based on society or her actions. If you had a discussion about porn before and you knew she did not want you to view it but still did that's really hurtful to her. All you can do is rebuild the trust and know this is going to take a very long time, be patient don't rush her. She sees it as sure I understand you may not get sex with her as often as you want but why do you need the porn? Why can't you just think of her and MO? Is she not enough? Bottom line is porn is toxic to relationships in general. So you need to stop give it up for good. Nothing you can do will make her feel better immediately. You should certainly try like buy flowers or take her out but she will only feel better with time when you show her you will keep your word so do that.

 

Yes the part about showing her with your actions is spot on. Show me just don't tell me and show me without me needing to ask you to do it. It's the trust being broken, but we also feel ugly and our self esteem is crushed. We had an idea of who you were and now that's shattered. It can be repaired but it's hard work!

 

Hey! I am a girlfriend of a porn addict. My boyfriend described (after I dragged it out of him, so not voluntarily) his relationship to porn exactly the same way you did. He said he had no desire to ever cheat in real life. He never texted anyone. He never thought of doing anything else other than masturbating to porn occasionally in order to relax or get instant, easy relief. It didn't stop me from experiencing a huge trauma after figuring out he was a porn user. I started going back in history of our relationship and explaining everything from the perspective of his porn addiction. The fact that he says he stopped is of not much consolation to me at the moment. All I think of is:

• He lied and kept lying, and I can't be sure if he is telling the truth now.
• He hid an important part of his sexuality from me, so the intimacy/connection was simply not there, no matter what he says.
• Every time he looks at any woman anywhere, what is he thinking? Is he "collecting" images for later masturbation sessions?
• He admitted to objectifying women because of his PA... Does that mean he is just looking at body parts everywhere? Does that mean he is comparing my body parts to the ones he likes to masturbate to? I am a mother of three kids... I will NEVER compare to young perfect bodies no matter how much I try :-(
• In order not to hurt my feelings, he never told me what his typical porn search terms were. Does that mean he searched for women so different from me, that I would be devastated, if I found out? If yes, what am I supposed to think about my attractiveness to him?
• Is the fact that he never really complimented me that he is not at all attracted to me? The only time he ever told me he was attracted to me was during a fight about porn or staring at other women. That doesn't sound like an honest and real attractiveness. He never tells me anything like that, when we are not fighting.
• Every time I feel down/depressed/angry about his PA, I feel like he would like me to "get over it" faster than I can and ONLY based on what he says. That will never help me "get over it".
• Will he EVER be able to look at me and feel the same kind of arousal he got from porn? At the moment I can't imagine this ever happening.

BTW, I *just* let him read the above text (because we had ANOTHER spontaneous discussion about this), and his response to my question about how he felt after reading this was: "Makes me feel apologetic, upset, hopeless..."
So yeah, this is no easy task for both partners. It's going to be difficult as hell for you AND it's going to be difficult as hell for her.
I can give you a few tips, but I don't swear by them, mainly because women are often saying one thing and meaning another (I know... it sucks):

• Don't ever rush her recovery.
• Tell her about your progress often, but spare her details where it could just hurt her feelings.
• Answer her questions honestly, but again, not too hurtfully (don't tell her what kind of women you watched).
• Don't ever dismiss her feelings or thoughts, no matter how crazy sounding.
• Give her space: don't suggest too much sex now, rather offer more gentle ways of connecting (talking, caressing without sex, dancing, playing, etc.)
• Make her feel beautiful, not just sexy. Meaning: do not objectify her like you did the women in porn.
• Smile at her like you just discovered something nice about her.
• Don't get angry or defensive, if she is upset/angry/disappointed. Remember that to her this was very traumatic and she has the right to feel those feelings.
• Don't stare at other women ANYWHERE. Not in public, not on the internet, not in movies, not in toothpaste commercials. That will trigger her before she can fully trust you again... and that could take a long time.
• Don't constantly ask her how she is feeling. That puts pressure on her to feel better, and she may not feel better before she does feel better (get the picture?).
• Ask her what would make her trust you more. Maybe she wants to see your computer/phone/tablet browsing history, maybe not. Maybe she wants you to talk to her about your plan of recovery. Maybe she would like you to get an accountability partner ASAP.
• Do not become a people-pleasing machine around her (women don't like that). That's not how you can show her any change or maturity. You can show her change by changing, and you can show her maturity by becoming more mature.
• Remember that porn is not the issue. The issue is your thought process around porn, your motivation, your impulse control, your responsibility taking, your real masculinity, your honesty, your laziness, etc.

I hope this helps

 

Thanks for taking the time to share your feelings and experienced advice

 

Spot on with the way the partner feels I am one too. The lying makes you question everything they say. My partner also never compliments me and there is a serious lack of intimacy.

 

Yes, my BF has a few issues, not *just* PA. I am not quite sure which issue preceded which one. So, was it his emotional unavailability that caused him to jump to P or was it the other way around? I can't answer these and even he has difficulty figuring out what came first. He often refers to it as a "chicken and egg" phenomenon. To be honest with you, I don't even care to figure this out... All I want is for him to get better and go through small steps of healing every day. I like to call it "baby steps", so, tiny changes, but every day. I am trying not to scare him into "fixing it all ASAP", but I probably do it anyway often enough.
Right now the most urgent is for him to stop P and start living a P-free life both externally and especially in his mind. Once that is OK, we can start talking about other issues, especially that PA clouds the brain so much, that it is impossible to concentrate on anything else.

 

Hey @AT91 , your view on porn aligns with how I felt about it for a very long time. I never viewed it as cheating but my SO maintained the same opinion as yours. I saw this as just a disconnect and, noting that everyone uses it, she would come around. Surely it is the lesser of two evils - it is far less hurtful than cheating - Wrong.

The thing with Porn addiction, is the effect it has on your brain and the huge hammer it provides to smash the foundation of trust and intimacy so vitally important to a thriving relationship. There is enough information on these forums about both which I encourage you to read widely on, but I wanted to talk to the bit on addiction. The only reason I have been able to make such substantial change in my life in what many would consider a short period of time is through acknowledging the problem as an addiction. Historically I have seen counsellors and tried to address the problem that porn was having on my relationship and the impact of trust breakdowns - it didn't work because it didn't address the problem. The problem is inside your brain - the dopamine receptors and the oxytocin release have taught your body to chase the hit.

It has only been through the comprehension of the biological requirement, that primarily is driven from the sub-conscious, that you can elevate the recognition of triggers and how you can beat them (maybe a poor word choice ;-)) to your conscious brain, and replace those habit loops that are continually rewarded. There have been significant 'ah hah' moments for me, primarily through education. I encourage you to look into the book 'The Power of Habit' by Duhigg and 'The Addictive Personality' by Nakken. These books have been incredible resources for me in comprehending the habit loop and the reenforcement of the addiction. Without this knowledge, I would still be continually relapsing.

The last thing I want to mention is the effect addiction (all forms) has on your interactions outside of yourself. The personal connections you once fostered and maintained as through those interactions you felt good, get replaced by the requirement to turn back to the object of your addiction. A disconnection from people to a connection with an object or thing - in our case porn. This is spelled out in Nakken's book but I really got value from the work by Brene Brown on Vulnerability and Shame (look up her TedX talks for a taste) on establishing a foundation of trust with people such that you can be vulnerable around them. This will be fundamental in improving your relationship with your SO. I have not yet had the opportunity to try it with my SO (she is not ready yet), but I see great value in the FANOS principles (have a look for it on this forum), as th fundamental component of this is the establishment of trust and shared vulnerabilities. It is through these two things that unbreakable relationships are formed.

Best of luck and hit me up of you want a sounding board. @novibe has hit the nail on the head from an SO perspective - this is one of the single greatest aspects of this forum, the ability to develop empathy for the problem by the continual descriptions of other SOs battling with the same issues caused by porn. I did not fully realise (and the addict didn't care that much) about the depth of damage caused by porn. I commend all of the SOs on here contributing, you are invaluable to those of us who really want to change and if possible make amends. Always so considered and offering an invaluable perspective that is difficult for an addict to see.

Stay safe, LP

 

This is just such great insight. This is everything.

 

Doesn't look like the OP is serious. A single post made on April 11 and hasn't logged on here since April 11, yet the thread continues to get lots of responses. Hopefully the advice is useful to others.

 

I'm a partner of an addict and I've been in plenty of prior relationships and I too never viewed porn as cheating. I actually had no problem with my exes using it with or without me. Some people do think it's cheating and if the partner knows that's how the woman feels then I think it is selfish and wrong and breaks trust. The reason I have the issue with my current partner is that his use of pmo deprives me of a sexual relationship. So that's a huge issue for me.

 

This is exactly my view too. Porn usage doesn't bother me in the slightest, but it's the addiction to it that does. The distance it drives between us physically, emotionally and sexually is the problem.

If it wasn't affecting our relationship or his mental health, I wouldn't have a problem at all.

 

This the exact thing that the addict doesn't realise...

The only reason I have been able to shift my mindset is because of this realisation. I hope that I get another opportunity to overcome the years of damage done through the lack of a true intimate relationship with my wife over an addictive relationship with PM...

Stay safe - LP.

 

Exactly exactly exactly!!! As a SO of a PA I can remember us having a totally open (at least on my part) conversation about P at the beginning of our relationship. I told him what P I occasionally viewed myself in the past. I wanted to know what turns him on, so I asked about his "favourites". From the very beginning he always had a problem sharing ANYTHING private, so I actually never found out exactly what does turn him on... even in our bedroom :-( As months passed by, I went from puzzled, to slightly confused, to upset, to angry, to almost totally hopeless and depressed, over our lack of connection and intimacy. He said (recently) that he never correlated his (hidden) P use with our relationship problems... until it was almost too late!!! He never realized it had totally hijacked his sexuality, motivation, confidence, self-esteem, and his ability to connect to others, especially in intimate relationships. Well, now he knows...

 

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Thank you @novibe , this is such an useful post for every men that is recovering and lost the trust of his partner.
@AT91 , I started my reboot two years ago, and this when I came out to my wife about my addiction.
We have been married for 29 years, so you can I I,shine how she felt. Same like you, she was at the beginning very supportive, until she realized how much I have deceived her during so many years.
She always felt "I was somewhere else " with my mind, but I always denied it.
She lost the trust on me and feels very undervaluated and with her self -esteem down under the floor.
My main goal in life is to make her happy again, because she lost the smile she used to always have.
I feel very remorseful and I want to make her laugh again.
We discussed a few times if she would be happier if I leave, but we agreed to keep trying.
She also asked me for "more space" as @novibe says. It is a fine balance: in one hand I need to give her space, but on the other I do not want to make her feel abandoned again.
It is a,long process of healing. Perhaps you can try yoga or some alternative like this together. It helps to heal. ( although with two babies this may be hard to do).
It will take time, but if you love her, do not stop trying.
Good luck with your reboot
Fercho

 

Wow! I am so sorry this is quite horrible for him to do to you. Has he stopped?

 

Hi I'm a partner too . Can I ask what was it after all that time that finally made you stop? Was it something you came to her and told her or did you get caught and forced out? I'm just trying to figure out what it is that finally makes a man realize he had to stop.