My friend relapsed - I did not go easy on him

I agree and don't agree I think you should learn then just start again. No emotion no investment just start again. See if you put an emotion to it that actually makes it worse because our addiction is all about emotions like feeling horny. So maybe they will feel really bad and try to self medicate and relapse some more.

I agree fight this addiction but maybe not in the way your thinking. See telling yourself don't think about porn don't think about porn, its destructive because your still thinking about porn. I think you fight it by redoing you, by becoming a better version of yourself. I mean your here because your life isn't what you've wanted it to be because you lost sight of who you were and who you wanted to be. I think you fight it not by fighting the old but by building on the new change your views change your perspectives change who you are to some degree.

Quitting porn won't give you these superpowers. See I think quitting porn will give you more energy, more time, clearer thought patterns, less desensitization, and less anxiety because you didn't just rub one off an hour ago. Everything else is up to you. Want to be better at guitar practice everyday. Faster runner run more often but gradually otherwise injury. You want girls go out there everyday and hit on girls.

So I think that people need to realize that its enjoying the process of becoming a new person and not worrying what day your on because if your on day 90 but did nothing to better yourself I mean its great for getting to day 90 but your no better off now than you were 90 days ago. And doing less now than you did before is a victory unto itself. Thats just my opinion.

 

Hmmm I partially agree with that. But I think yes a criminal needs to be punished (not this) but in a sense he needs to be rehabilitated shown what he did wrong. See thats whats wrong with society we just think oh just punish him throw the key away when we forget that once they get out they might do it again. We as a society failed him because we didn't guide him on the right path we didn't show him what he didn't understand.

To say things in such absolutes is well its not great. You've even said that your friend has called you many times I'm sure you've put guilt and shame on him and yet he relapses again does your method at all seem faulty or maybe a little to absolute. Its not light and dark, good or evil, its what is right and what is easy. Guilt and shame trains the persons brain to think whenever they feel those things they should pmo. Thats why its addicting is because society says that it is wrong and dirty and shameful so people get a little more dopamine because they are doing something that doesn't conform with society. Just look at history anything that society doesn't like are sometimes peoples outlets. Like the one we deal with now.

 

Glad to know you are a man of infinite self-control and willpower. Sarcasm aside, it's not really helpful (and it's rather poor conduct) to point fingers at people, judge them and their situations, and criminalize their addictions. Honestly, these people aren't your damn kids. Treat them with some respect, not like they're your inferiors. There is literally no compassion, empathy, or understanding in your statements.

 

Yeah see making him feel bad that is horrible to do. You want a relapse to be emotionless have nothing attached to it. Just it happened. The fact you give him a hard time may make it harder. I know we want to be this hard as nails on our friends guy but it can be detrimental. If they relapse once get up and try again then let them. In no way should you feel that you have to make him feel this way.

It is his choice to pmo it is his choice to do anything he wants. You have no control and you have to realize that, that in the end when the computers there and the thoughts are in his head its up to him to act on those urges its his choice in the end.

 

I think you're dealing with a lot of anger lately. You need to get over and I believe you will. I was reading the other day your welcome post and you were saying it's a week since your last relapse and you haven't relapsed more than 30 times this year. Stop acting like a father on everyone, as Weiland noticed, and focus on your reboot journey. You're doing well but you gotta continue, you're not finished. Quoting Nietzsche, help yourself, then everyone will help you. Principle of brotherly love. No offence intended

 

I agree. We're supposed to be men here. If someone needs to be coddled like a child or a woman, he's not ready to commit to this!

 

Not always people don't always do that. Affairs cheating on partners doing hard drugs those have shame yet people do them. Pmo has shame. Its best to disassociate any emotion trust me on that. His choice isn't destructive for society I'm afraid being mean to him isn't bigger than anything else. Listen being that way is like someone just lost and your knocking them down further I mean he already feels super bad and somehow making him feel worse is going to help him in the future. I am not sure how that works.

Ok Jmark you can try to be this superman but people break they have emotions. You can see yourself as this guy with infinite self control and will power but I don't think you do. Everyones recovery is different but I think its best to be nice being a hard ass is for the military and I've heard that it damages them mentally so maybe not the best route.

 

I don't know if you intended it. This statement sounds quite sexist and demeaning to women.

 

You joined here in August claiming to be abstinent for one week. Your profile also states that you have been abstinent since the 3rd August. That's not eleven months by any stretch of the imagination.

 

My friend, I think you are a few centuries behind the time..lol... Seriously, do you hold those views or are you kidding? We are not just men, there are also women on this forum. Yes, men and women are different, but being a chauvinist pig has no support from evidence or even justification. It's simply a bigoted attitude of discrimination that needs to be rid with. Nothing to do with feminism.

 

I don't think that tough methods work for everyone, there are just so wide differences between humans.

Also, at least in the Catholic spiritual practice, there is a difference between how to judge a sin before and after: before we shall hate it with all our hearts (be tough!); after we should repent and turn to God's mercy (be gentle!). The wrong approach is to be gentle before and tough after. Some people might get into despondency and resignation, beyond all hope of redemption.

I don't think this is actually the case of Clumsy's partner, he may very well need tough approach all the time. I don't know. I just want to point out that people are very different. The same universal principles apply differently in particular circumstances.

 

I don't think yelling and calling him out will help anything. If anything, it'll make it really hard on him to talk to you about this. You may be ahead of him in how long you've stayed away from fapping, but that doesn't mean you have all the answers in taking care of this. You have to realize that even if you are a man, men don't deserve to be talked down to like that especially when they are struggling through an addiction. Men want respect, and this certainly isn't giving it to him.

Now, to point something out being that feminism was brought up, this isn't a patriarch like so many feminists try to say it is. 200 years ago, yes, 50 years ago, it may have been, but by today's standards, absolutely not. If it were, women wouldn't be allowed to hit men and disrespect them. So obviously it's turned around quite a bit. I always say feminism is the fight for equality by going on one genders needs while completely avoiding the other genders concerns. It doesn't work.

Now, going back to the original topic. If I could give you any advice, it would be respect him, talk to him about where he is at and don't demean him. No one, including women and children ( ), likes to be talked down to. It doesn't help matters when he is already feeling guilty about what he's going through and needs support, not someone who's going to make things worse.