My fractured but whole life ....

Really? Realllly? Perhaps you should do just that! Sorry, I'm being over-reactive but this struck a nerve. There's millions of guys out there that aren't addicted to porn and don't want anything to do with it!

 

It sounds like based on what you're saying, he's giving you sex as a favor and that should be enough to satiate you to the point where anything else he does shouldn't matter to you. Does he really think you are so one-dimensional? Does he know how you feel about it, or have you confined your feelings to your journal here? If he has no idea how you feel about his PMO, do you feel comfortable opening up to him about it?

 

You deserve to be treated like the beautiful person you are. You're not a piece of meat or a fridge where leftovers are put. You certainly have a right to your boundaries and he needs to respect them.

Regarding finding a guy who doesn't do porn... yep they're out there. They're called (repeat after me...) gentlemen.

Also, he is correct to compare eating to looking at porn, but eating the wrong thing (porn is a perversion of the real thing) or too much (he can't stop) hurts him as well as your relationship.

And just so he understands, he is sacrificing a loving relationship with someone who cares for him because he wants to "eat."

 

Offering you the same concession of porn is just a way for him to justify his own actions. "If you get to do it, then I get to do it too!" He clearly doesn't think there's a problem here. If I may ask, how long have you guys been together? Do you feel completely vested in the relationship? The view from 50,000 feet is that this seems pretty selfish and one-sided. Tell him you're tired of sharing him with digital images and you won't stand for it anymore. If he laughs at you again...well...at least he's being clear on where he stands.

 

You might need to do some soul searching and figure out for yourself if a husband that views porn is a deal-breaker or not. Ultimately we can all give our own advice and opinions but at the end of the day, it's your life and your journey that matters for you. I truly believe 'normal' is relative, but I don't see how you can reconcile this when you two have such polar opposite views on it. There are real tangible results of porn addiction for men that aren't up for debate, like PIED and ED and DE...these are all potential issues that may strike down the road.

Blatantly disregarding your feelings on the matter seems like a red flag to me too...if he won't budge on porn, what about budgeting or children or other major life decisions that you will have to make *together* as husband and wife?

 

Hi AAG,

Like many guys and girls here... we found dad's stack of playboys and penthouses. We looked an saw and imagined what it would be like to "do it." But the problem for many of us, those images altered our sexual perspectives. And it's the same with porn. If you want to know what porn does, go to the website "yourbrainonporn.com." What you'll learn is pornography addictions are chemically driven. The brain gets a big dump of Dopamine during orgasm. That is comparable to heroin. In fact most men edge during masturbation... taking themselves to the point of orgasm only to delay and increase the Dopamine rush.

The real question I finally had to ask myself was "Is this who I want to be? Is this all there is to my life?" The answer is a resounding hell no. I don't wanna be some guy hunched over a computer screen fapping away. There's too much life out there.

I'm very sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but in all honesty it's a blessing this came out before you might have gotten married.

IMHO in all sincerity - for you... You've been wounded and have lost trust in someone you love. Additionally, you're finding all men are perverts which you know isn't true. I assume you're attractive and men notice you. There isn't any harm in a smile or a glance. Staring at your butt or chest is not acceptable though. Guys are wired to notice women and they do.

Also another thing I might offer is that porn is a perversion of real sex. Sex itself within the confines of a loving, caring relationship is a lot of fun and very healthy. The stuff they do in the porn movies couples do, intercourse, oral, hand jobs, etc.. The difference is the emotional connection, commitment to a relationship and willingness to give and accept love with someone you love. I have heard women say sex is fantastic and they feel deep love for their partners when there is that type of connection. Porn is all fake, the unreal positions, the man's stamina, the woman's reaction... all fake crap - .. So porn bad, sex in the right context, good. It may be your BF doesn't understand the difference... so porn is "normal."

Finally, You need to protect your heart from further damage. Again IMHO, you need to stand up for yourself and tell him either he cleans up and deals with his addiction or you'll leave. You may want to start laying some plans to move out and live your life. Move in with someone? Go back to friends you have, hobbies that you enjoy and build your life. You can not force your BF to give up porn or to love you. Those are his choices. You have to choose too what you want out of life and what is best for you. Tough choices, big decisions with consequences. Don't be afraid though, you need to be "you" first and foremost. Follow your heart.

I wish you the best and it's my hope he comes to see that this "really isn't who he wants to be."

Cheers!! HF

 

Thank you for your offer of support. That humbles me knowing you are dealing with such a difficult issue and yet reach out to me.

Private message me if you have any questions or just need to vent a bit. Make your mind up on what you want to do and follow through with it... But imho, don't let it drag out.

 

So your boyfriend knows him watching porn upsets you and is causing you pain and he just dismisses your feelings like you are being irrational?
I'd kick his ass to the curb. I'll wager he's dismissed your feelings several times on other things not even porn related.
I spent 10 years dating someone like that. People who lack empathy are toxic.

 

It's admirable that you don't want to bail on him until all hope is gone, as you describe, but please remember that any change has to come from him wanting it. You can't force him to change his attitudes about porn and you can't make him adopt your stance on it. I would recommend drawing a line in the sand for yourself and clearly defining the moment for you at which you decide that there's no more reason to stay. When you reach that point, move on with your life with a clear conscience that you did what you had to do. Who knows, he may also come around and try to quit this for his sake, AND for the sake of the relationship. If not....well...some day he'll wake up and realize he's That Guy that lost a great girl over porn. You'll be That Girl that wouldn't stand for it and made a declaration to the world that you are worthy of someone that respects you and values your love over fake sex. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I'll be really interested to see how this works out for you. You got this!

 

From the time I was 18 to 29 I dated a guy who treated me like shit. I always thought I love him I can't live without him. I not only lived without him, I actually felt alive when we broke up.
I had 4 horses, 2 dogs and 2 cats when I left him. It was a struggle but I managed to get us all moved. Anything is possible.