My first PA

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Kenzi, Nov 28, 2017.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    My first PA was a cruel man.
    He was crazy.
    I'm pretty sure he went crazy... Mad?
    He drove himself mad.
    He loved porn.
    Video games.
    The internet.
    He didn't have a job.
    To be clear... Our child was almost taken by the state because of his addictions.
    I'm not joking.
    He loved sex.
    He just didn't love me.
    He didn't love sex with me.
    This was eroded by porn.
    I just didn't know it.
    To be fair... I never loved him either.
    I thought my child needed their father.
    To be stupid and young, right?
    Have you ever been held prisoner in your own home?
    Actually, held prisoner.
    Like, trapped.
    No escape.
    No bathroom.
    Waiting. Days.
    No food.
    No clock.
    It'll guarantee to fuck your head.
    Have you ever had your child ripped out of your arms and closed behind a door while you are being pushed down two flights of stairs?
    You will learn really quickly what matters more.... The child or the internet.
    And to who.
    When you have this experience with It...
    You just step back.
    When you constantly find porn in the DVD when you are babysitting family and then the next thing you know, drugs.
    Why drugs?
    Because... He needs stimulus.
    To keep going.
    This, of course... Means more anger.
    More angry means more crashing...
    Leads to.... Depression.
    Depression leads to suicide attempts.
    Leads to more violence.
    None of this is good.
    I tried... For awhile.
    Can't say I didn't try.
    But when you stand there, in sexy dress and he won't look up from the computer and later he wants to, after I go to bed, jerk off to who knows what...
    I can see by the blue light on the stairs.. I was fine.
    I was fine not sharing a room.
    I was not fine with the strange women I was always finding in my house.
    I was not fine with the Strange men looking for drugs or money for drugs so he could watch more porn.
    I was not ok with more drugs for more porn because he needed more to sustain more...always wanted more.
    It started to become never enough.
    I was not ok with him and how he treated children, neglected or berated.
    It wasn't OK.

    I eventually got out.

    But I wonder how he remembers this.
    He eventually sobered up.
    He's since apologized to me.

    However when I got with Rock_Star and I originally did not have such a problem with porn....
    Since there was a few years in between....
    I wonder if society had brainwashed me too?
    But until he started to have issues with it, I didn't have a problem with it.
    And then when he did...
    I had a Big problem.
    I thought This was a porn problem.
    The Devolution was like This.
    The controlling.
    Mentally deranged.
    But...... What did I know?
    How scary was that?
    Now I had two?
    Was that my type?
    Was I to be a prisoner again?
    Now I was on a different path.
    And everyone, every sex addiction, every porn addiction is completely different.
    I was really nervous when my SO said to interact with others here.
    I'm really glad I did.
    I know this is scary.
    I do, I know.
    The point is...
    You never know what is next.
    Sometimes even the bad, is unexpectedly good.
  2. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

    Why are you writing in verse form?

    Have you written any poetry? If not, perhaps you should give it a try. the wonderful thing about poetry is it takes us out of ourselves into something more universal.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    How do you know I'm not a writer and this is not my voice?
  4. Kikobraz

    Kikobraz Fapstronaut

    you are writer. No one writes this good at the first attempt
  5. I'm sorry you've been through all this!
    Congratulations! For your common (yours and your husband's) achievements!
    I feel like "Congratulations" is a small word to show how everyone can see your progress and your achievements, but English is not my mother language!
  6. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

    Deleted Account and anewhope like this.
  7. @Kenzi : great writing, great expression! Sorry for your difficulties..glad you are here.
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm not sorry at all.
    I wrote this to show that it's ok to have faith in your situation.
    I know it's difficult.
    I know that relationship with recovery is hard.
    We all have scars.
    However, I feel like some of the SOs need a little faith.
    Maybe the PAs too..

    A bad choice...
    Doesn't make a bad man.
    A bad man will be a bad man dispite the choices.
  9. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

    So true. Faith is important. Faith in people, faith in ourselves and in healing. Too many of us PAs wallow in guilt and shame instead of working on recovery and rebuilding with our SOs.maybe it’s because we feel like bad men. Most of us aren’t. But it can feel like it sometimes.

    Choices. So simple, so powerful and sometimes difficult.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Sometimes I think people need to be shown a good honest example of what the difference is.
    So I decided to do that.
    Maybe this Christmas... People will have a little faith and hope in their situations.
    Get some streaks going.
    Deleted Account and DemonSemen like this.
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I know... @DemonSemen I'm a shitty cheerleader.
    Maybe that's my next Tshirt
  12. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

    Quite the contrary. You just have a different style than your average cheerleader—like if a cheerleader and a bartender and a poet rolled into one. .With tatts.
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm trying to picture this person you speak of....
    Oh... My picture is right there huh?
  14. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

    This is the part where I would photoshop your avatar on a cheerleader but my graphic skills are subpar. And lord knows who it might trigger...
    Torn likes this.
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @DemonSemen thanks... Now I'm wearing my coffee (-, -)
  17. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

    That’s probably a fetish. Women spilling coffee on their clothes.
  18. Amen!
    Kenzi likes this.
  19. Thank you for sharing this! So similar to first PA situation and strangely I’ve been thinking about all that lately too. We really are on the same wavelength sometimes ;)

    He later apologized as well. I eventually forgave him in my heart so that I could be free. But you are 100% correct this all of this! I didn’t even know that PA could be a thing. And a bad man is bad man regardles
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 29, 2017
    Kenzi likes this.
  20. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    Hi Kenzi. Have you read this article on Anxious Attachment? When I first read it a few weeks ago, the very first thing I thought of was how much it reminded me of many (certainly not all) of the stories I'd read about in the SO section of NoFap. I've been wanting to share it in this section but I've been hesitant because those with Anxious Attachment style often feel blamed in situations of therapy, which would be sole reason for me posting it in the first place.

    I regard you highly and love your voice and presence in all of the sections of the site, so I'm curious about your take on the content of the article. I find the PAs are often (not always) of the Avoidant Attachment varieties and the SOs often Anxious Attachment. I find Attachment Theory gets a little deeper, covers a wider territory and is a little less threatening (no stigma) than traditional addict or co-dependent descriptions.

    It might be a bit of a bore, but if you aren't familiar, this article lays out the three basic attachment styles: Avoidant, Secure, Anxious. Very simplified they are:

    Avoidant: I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.

    Secure: I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.

    Anxious: I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.

    The reason I bring any of this up is because I think that the large majority of people on this site fall into one of the two insecure types, WHICH CAN BE HEALED INTO A MORE SECURE STYLE of bonding in relationships. The SO can heal in the same way that the PA can heal.

    In my experience, PMO addiction is not so much about the gratuitous pursuit of tits and ass videos as it is about running from the discomfort of intimacy. I'm curious if some of the SOs often overlook serious flaws and problems in their partners because they carry an anxious attachment style of bonding.

    I don't know what I'm even asking here. This is my weird way of trying to help.
    ItsNeverTooLate and vxlccm like this.

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