My diary

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Coffee Candy, Jul 31, 2018.

  1. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    Monday

    Howdy people,

    I'm gonna try writing in this font style and size. I think it's cute. Originally, as you can see, I thought it was elegant to have an italicized Arial font then I wasn't consistent with it, so then it became ten times uglier ~ who was that girl? *shrug*

    This is prettier.

    I bit all my nails yesterday. I don't know why, but I was pretty sleep deprived also. This happens sometimes though. I used to bite my nails constantly until I was like 15 or something.. the nail polish really inspired me to quit. How my nails looked when they grew and I polished them. That's all, oh, and the fact that under your nails is more germy than a toilet seat. You're welcome. My dad also tried to tell me not to bite them anymore because it's not attractive and he was right. He bites his too though. Lol. So we were going through it together. We used those polishes that tasted bad to remind you not to bite them(some times)..
    It used to be for a while, almost the entire year of 2018, that if I relapsed then I would end up getting so upset that I bit my nails. Usually when things are bad I bite them. Then I bite them for a few days if I'm doing really bad. Lol. But usually I just feel really dissapointed and I wallow with my ugly bitten nails..I try not to look at them or pay attention to them till they start growing again. When I've relapsed and then bit my nails I would try to start my streak again as my nails regrew and I realized that they're both the same thing sort of, the first days are hard, everyone realizes you bit your nails to the stub and they realize your attitudes changed, and you feel bitter, doing things is hard after biting your nails depending on how much you bit them and how much damage you've inflicted on yourself, for me it hurts to do certain things if I've bitten them badly to the point of bleeding, so is the same with a relapse, you become sore sometimes, no? It's hard to do stuff because you want to (P)MO again and again..binge. . Second day is a little easier to look at your nails and your streak you start feeling ok like this times it, Third day you really don't wanna re-bite your nails or relapse..you've went three whole days! Etc..

    Often when I touch myself, I don't know what it is that I'm doing incorrectly, but my nail usually digs into my clit while I am touching myself and so I end up physically hurting myself. Last time that I had a good streak for about 6 months or so..I achieved that on a different account here on the forum and then I left..and when I relapsed I really hurt my self but I still kept doing it over and over without even having healed. I really tore the skin. I couldn't stop.

    Anyways, as I read some other peoples journals, I realize how they write for their audience and think about their audiences or supporters time that it takes for them to read their journals. They try not to ramble and I can't promise I won't ramble and I'm going to write for myself. I think it's a big thing to be even writing a journal at all. Especially what I've confessed in it and will in the future, it isn't easy...this is a big step for me and I'm proud.
    I don't feel like everyone's journal has to be the best thing ever written and so precise and eloquenntly put. and la-dee-dah-di-dah... . Truth is, not a lot of peoples journals would be worth reading or has great inspiring conent in it, but we're not there for ourselves, we're reading that person's journal to support the person annd know about them, what they're feeling, going through, what they're up to, what's happening or happened in their lives....anything they wanna put down.

    Yeah, some peoples jjournals have great inspiring words, and I admit I can't produce that for you guys, and I don't have a sorry attitude about it because I don't owe you anything... but that's not why I'm saying this..I'm just saying, if you were to only read the journals of people you consider so inspiring then that would be a few out of hundreds.. you wanna reach to others. It's not about who writes better or inspires others better.


    Before I wrote this journal and even as I write in it, I feel completely inadequate and that I'm not good enough to even write it, most importantly that it's not worth any one's time they spend reading it..and if others see people saying stuff like "wow, your journal is the best written on this entire site.." to their buddies, that's not very encouraging for them to begin to write or continue writing in their journals.

    Here is my little list (starting off tiny and looks pointless but we have to start somewhere)

    Drink sufficient water daily

    Brush my teeth twice a day as opposed to once a day

    Read for 30 minutes or more (without distractions)

    Create something (no matter how big or small) a day

    Don't touch my genitals down there
    (remember I spoke of this issue, if you've been keeping up with me)


    :oops:

    I'll check it with a
    :emoji_skull_crossbones:if I didn't do it
    and a :emoji_ribbon: if I did


    Thank you for reading if you did...
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2019
  2. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    Still monday


    ☆ Drink sufficient water daily :emoji_skull_crossbones:

    ☆ Brush my teeth twice a day as opposed to once a day :emoji_ribbon:

    ☆ Read for 30 minutes or more (without distractions):emoji_skull_crossbones:

    ☆ Create something (no matter how big or small) a day:emoji_skull_crossbones:

    ☆ Don't touch my genitals down there :emoji_ribbon:
    (remember I spoke of this issue, if you've been keeping up with me)


    Oh my goodness, these symbols are not working for me, it takes too much time to find them and click on them to put there. I'll have to use something pastable. I'll figure it out tommorow.

    I was unwell for most of the day today and still am..

    Mostly when I read I spend most of the time looking up definitions to words, I feel like I won't even remember the definitions so I become pretty frustrated..also theres ten times more words I don't know than my fellow peers... so.
    But, I used to read a lot at one period of my life, about a book a day even more.. and then came Myspace and Facebook and I stopped reading as much. Very sad, I know.
    Anyways, I really can't remember how often I looked at the dictionary back then.. but a lot of words stuck ..I don't know how they do, but they do, so Im not too too worried about it.. but I am pretty worried about it. Lately I've been reading a lot more than ever I suppose, I mean on the forum in the threads, profiles, and journals. I've also not completely neglected youtube (and I think it's important for me to watch people communicate) and I have a social media platform where there are a lot of quotes and user's text to read. So I'm actually reading a lot more than I have in a while as well as typing to others here. When I did leave the house more and when I do leave the house and know I have to wait for something I have this hand held book I read. I could continue reading it at home but I want to save it to read in public so I don't have to make eye contact with anyone. Lol.

    I mostly read pdf books on a screen @ this moment in time..

    I'm trying to read " The Ethics of Ambiguity" by Simone de Beauvoir as a pdf right now as my chore... most of the time is spent looking up definitions and re-reading sentences..and I guess I could have chosen an easier book.. but I'm gonna try.

    I've also been (vocally ) communicating more in the last months of 2018 till now than I had been in about two years before that...


    Btw, Mr. Not A Stranger is the guy I was trying to get over in the beginning of this journal.
    So he came back a few weeks after I met Mr. Stranger.

    I hadn't videocchatted in a long long time either, I hardly vc'd with Mr. Not A Stranger (nor phone called a lot) especially since he left for about two years..but I had/have been with Mr. Stranger. So VCing was like a big step...and talking on the phone as well. Pretty good for me, for social practicing.
    Also, We've had a guest staying over at our house for almost three months now and so I've been practicing with him (he's family btw).. and I've also had to appear more decent than when I'm just chilling around with my parents.

    My interaction and communication skills aren't that great.









     
  3. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    Tuesday


    I don't want to do the list thing *crosses armss* whatever though.

    This is a small list, starting small but I have lot more I wanna add as I go on.
    I barely had coffee today. I had this weird stomach thing yesterday so I'm still feeling weird today, but I think it's 90% better the day hasn't ended yet so I'm not sure.. .

    *mumbles*



    ☆ Drink sufficient water daily ✓

    ☆ Brush my teeth twice a day as opposed to once a day ✓
    I just wanna say that I wake up close to noon so I don't eat breakfast most days and have luunch as my first meal so I don't brush my teeth in the morning but I do after lunch +coffee sometimes I don't and that's the issue, If I wake up in the morning with sufficient time between noon then I will brush my teeth sometimes but it's rare for me(to wake up in that time span).
    If I don't brush my teeth almost right after lunch+ coffee then I'll wait till night. I usually don't stand so close to my parents or talk to them on those days or I'll mask it with gum or a snack or something. Issues with hygiene is a depression thing.

    ☆ Read for 30 minutes or more (without distractions)

    ☆ Create something (no matter how big or small) a day

    ☆ Don't cup/touch my V (weird anxiety thing)



     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019
  4. Jim2015

    Jim2015 Fapstronaut

    Coffee...sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom to offer. I have read your entry...and I simply offer my support. May you know peace and strength...and find the power and energy to move forward toward your goals. I am thinking of you and send my encouraging thoughts. Also, keeping your friend in mind that he may know strength in his illness and you may be able to be a supportive encouraging friend. Blessings. Your friend. Jim:)
     
  5. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    Wednesday


    ☆ Drink sufficient water daily ✓

    ☆ Brush my teeth twice a day as opposed to once a day ✓


    ☆ Read for 30 minutes or more (without distractions)

    ☆ Create something (no matter how big or small) a day

    ☆ Don't cup/touch my V (weird anxiety thing)


    I'm a pretty scatter brained person I'm also not very good at swallowing a routine.

    Of course, internet doesn't help these things.

    I've been waiting for this moment to journal all day and now I have nothing to say.


     
  6. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    Thursday





    ☆ Drink sufficient water daily ✓

    ☆ Brush my teeth twice a day as opposed to once a day ✓


    ☆ Read for 30 minutes or more (without distractions)

    ☆ Create something (no matter how big or small) a day


    ☆ Don't cup/touch my V (weird anxiety thing)
    Kept in mind all day


    Wonder when I'm going to achieve all 5 at once.


    Hi, f(ol)lowers,

    Kinda bummed today.. I sometimes feel like I don't fit in here because I'm seemingly not struggling enough like others day by day..I'm not really fighting anything.... So I can't write about how I battle it everyday and stuff and get support that way. I mean it's a good thing that I'm not but.. ya. I don't know it's weird. I still battle plenty of things sexually and I'm sure I will in the futture as well, maybe I'll relapse in the future.. *knocks on wood* though (becausse I hope not) bbut I just feel like, sort of out. I don't know how to explain it..

    I'm on
    "meeting my goals". Don't forget this
    .
    Sometimes I feel like breaking one of the rules I have for myself or just throwing my entire streak in the trash can...but I remember I haven't broken any of my rules for almost 8 months now and I'm in a new age, I was 23 when I joined, now I'm 24 : ) Soo.. yeah. That really incentivates me; new year, new + new age... can't throw it all away..and I don't want to be in that dark place again. It feels kind of silly to have my little list up but usually no words about battling addiction below.
    But I know for a fact that I need to do this or else it's more than likely I will fall sooner than I think... I thought about if it'd just be better if I did this on the Social Anxiety Support forum..but I think this forum is stronger in support than that one and it's much more exciting even though they have way more threads there. It's also kinder here than there..
    When I said way way up there that it was pretty boring over there with people usually stuck like I am or worse with social anxiety/anxiety.. I realize that I'm pretty boring right now.. but I won't be for much longer...even though I don't have much to say, I'd rather listen to someone who has a life (people here on this forum) than someone who doesn't (meaning most of all those people in the Social Anxiety Support forum).
    Last bbut not least I do have sexual issues (and I'm nnot sure if I am a pornography addict or if I just have addictivve tendencies ) and I need to be here and I am one of you.

    On the Social Anxiety forum I didn't or couldn't really speak about my promiscuity issues because I was scared they wouldn't think I had Social Anxiety, because a lot of people that have made known that they simply weren't virgins on there got a lot of flack for it and people kept telling them they don't have Social Anxiety if theywere able to have sex or that it muust not be sooooo ooo bad a level of Social Anxiety if they can have sex.
    I beg to differ, I've fucked and I can't eat food very well infront of people , that's one of the things I struggle most with Social Anxiety.. I don't think I was that great of a sexual partner because of social anxiety, and is anyone aware of darkness? Having sex in dim light or darknesss is a thing. What ever.. :oops:

    You know.. there are various levels of Social A... and there are different situations that can make you more anxious than others..there are stages in life where you're better than previous stages in your life dealing with Social A because of so much exposure to them...



    It doesn't matter your take on it but I really, and I mean really, relate to this quote: " I think I’ve always been half out of my shell and half in. Sometimes I can be extremely wild and sometimes I can be extremely shy. It just depends on the day."
    —Emile Hirsch

    Anyways,

    I hope you you guys are having/or have had a decent day especially if you're taken or wifed up ; )
    Happy Valentines day to you!

    tumblr_n39ekww83s1s3jg9qo1_500.png
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2019
  7. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    Fridayyy




    ☆ Drink sufficient water daily ✓

    ☆ Brush my teeth twice a day as opposed to once a day ✓


    ☆ Read for 30 minutes or more (without distractions)

    ☆ Create something (no matter how big or small) a day


    ☆ Don't cup/touch my V (weird anxiety thing)

    A+ *pats myself on the back*


    Howdy,

    I'm still too shy to discuss my fetishes but here is something I do want to say sometimes I get triggered by one of my fetishes by my parents, as if my fetishes weren't weird enough as if I needed another weird thing to addd to my list of weird things about me. ; _ ; I meann not seriously seriously triggered, but sometimes there's an involuntary response down yonder though it is not in my brain!! I pinky promise on hell... ;~; . It's sooooooooooooooooooooo weird and unpleasant.
    I don't know how it is for other people with fetishes but I'm sure it must not happen with relatives, (I mean close family idk about immediate or distant or whatever) I'm not saying I become physically..like.. you know, moist... I'm dying typing this.. I'm just saying SOMETHING physically happens, it's a quick reflex ( quick like a bunny)
    My heart goes out to people with fetishes that they have to face quite often, like, the most known and probably most popular fetish out there is the foot one..I have no idea how I would face that. Especially as a male as it's so apparent when a male is deeply aroused. :c ..my condolences to all with fetishes though, that are here fighting it! Stay strong and believe it will get better!
    I don't know it just sucks. One of the things that happens after I relapse is I become angry if anyone around me does that 1 of my fetish (just talking about this 1 for today but I had/ve some other issues with the other) around me or if I have to listen to it too many times. Obviously you know which one I am speaking of and I'm mortified but I feel like I need to talk about this...and so .. I just become cranky sometimes ...and that's one of the reasons I had to quit watching pornography, because I'd become highly irritable!! I just wasn't dealing with having my fetish well, or coping well. I mean I wasn't vocally mean or acted out but I was just.. . I don't even know, in truth I don't know what it was, the emotion's sort of indistinguishable (but I know I held crankiness inside) but you could see it in my eyes.
    I think what I feel are two emotions, disgust and mayybe it's a trigger at the same time.
    Complicated, huh?

    Anyways, for the most part, I've never found it funny as people do, I think it's funny what you do before it or what you say sometimes and who it is, but only rarely. If I do chuckle it's because I'm kind and I want you to be comfortable. I just feel like it's awkward and I hate that I do. I hate that I don't find it funny...I hate the wayy I feel inside and that I don't react normally even if I appear like I am. I hate that this is such a big deal. It looks trivial but it's not.

    :oops:

    I've told Mr. Not A Stranger after a long timee of dating. He was the utmost sweetest thing about it, he couldn't have bbeen any sweeter.. bless his heart. ..but it did change things.. and if I could have gone back in time annd not told him I would have, for him.. because telling makes it awkward no matter how supportive or confident the other person is..no matter how they don't have an issue with it..etc.. no matter what bbasically and my situation was double feelings as I mentioned up there, so it was this weird thing.. and I just wanted him to be comfortable and I wish I had kept my burden to myself.

    Anyways, when I stopped viewing pornography, my attitude became better in coping with the fetish and how I handled it towardss others and how I felt inside.. : )
    felt more peaceful... I also felt higher in self esteem.. because let me tell you...having these fetishes really lower my self esteem but they are definitely nnot the only reasons I have a low self esteem.
    Quitting it made me feel more romantic as well, girlier, clean.. : ) My dreams are healthier... waking up is easier , easier to face the day, I don't have to sneakily touch myself with the door open or closed and then wassh my hands.. or become all sweaty..
    I feel a lot better without indulging it.
    My escalations were crazy.. and I have another fetish you guys will never know about..but it's qquite...uuh..sinful. I've hardly ever ever touched the stuff, that's how bad it is. I've been almost 8 months cleann from everything... !!!! Couldn't have done it without this fforum and some of the people in it ; )




    Thanks for not posting anything mean in my jjournal if you have mean thoughts about me


    failure.jpeg

     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2019
  8. Muphy

    Muphy Fapstronaut

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    Day 21
    I am following this from a long time and today I post this.
    I will try to go for gym and other activities but I have totally stopped reading the sex stuff and I feel great.
    And tonight I got a lucid and sexy dream and Dont know how, I realized that its not real and I am not going to ejaculate and I woke up, drank some water, walked a bit and slept. and in morning I wake up with proud.
    Thank you all.
     
  9. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Well, that makes two of us, I struggle with fetishes too. The thing is though, they don't really stick around a lot. The majority of them are spawned from PMO usage, so hopefully they disappear, right?

    Well, we are all fighting this together, no?

    Thanks for the empathy, although as a male myself I haven't had that kind of experience. I usually wear shirts and pants at a bigger size than I am, but thanks for the message anyway. :p

    Good job, you're doing pretty well! It's a big thing to tell your loved ones about the things that you struggle with, and it's good that you're getting stronger and learning. Fetishes are by no means a walk in the park, so it's good that you're recognizing what they are and how they affect you.

    Keep it up! I liked the drawing by the way.
     
  10. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    My fetishes were basically here before the PMO but were certainly enhanced with PMO.. I think mine will be more of a sticker.

    We are fighting this together, yes :+)

    Thank youu, Solomon, for your support. I'm grateful for it as well as your compliment on my little doodle :b Brightened me up.
     
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  11. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    Saturday

    ☆ Drink sufficient water daily ✓
    Thank god for watermelon :b teehee. Helped lots

    ☆ Brush my teeth twice a day as opposed to once a day ✓


    ☆ Read for 30 minutes or more (without distractions)

    ☆ Create something (no matter how big or small) a day


    ☆ Don't cup/touch my V (weird anxiety thing)

    F(ol)lowers,
    I had a good day today! Yeee. Mr. Not A Stranger made my day. The actual Valentines day wasn't good but the day after may as well have been Valentines. I watched Fantastic Mr. Fox (for the third time in my life I think) and that brightened my spirits up especially introducing it to my dad and our guest. Our guest (basically) said that we should have dropped acid before watching it. Our guest is a wild guy. :b I guess he thought it was a really weird or trippy movie. I really like that movie and I especially like that Mrs. Fox paints lightning bolts from the clouds:

    [​IMG]
    Speaking of lightning - it rained again today for a large portion of the day and not just rained, but it also thundered which was the whipped cream and cherry on top of my day!

    I was sleepy for most of the day and sort of busy interacting with my family and sttuff so I didn't achieve much of my chores.
    But I was able to check off the most important ones.


    Our guest is leaving on Monday for good. So I'm excited about that, as we will have more privacy and we will be more relaxed.

    Thanks for squinting your eyes and reading my diary
     
  12. Reuby

    Reuby Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Lightning and thunder always makes my day as well.
     
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  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    You did it again!
     
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  14. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    Please read my tiny words!!!
     
  15. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    What tiny words?
     
  16. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    Oh, maybe I'm misunderstanding.. what did you mean by saying that I did it again?
     
  17. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I can't read your tiny words.
     
  18. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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  19. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut

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    Cute? o_O No, just annoying.
     
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  20. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    Are you even reading my diary?
     

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