My diary

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Coffee Candy, Jul 31, 2018.

  1. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

    Just to echo what Bee_11 said, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING normal about porn. It involves tons of makeup, dress, cameras, lighting......and of course ACTING.

    At the end of the day these are PRODUCTIONS meant to create strong mental images. These are situations that cannot be reproduced in real life. If you listen to porn stars in any interviews they all say real sex is TOTALLY different from being on camera.

    The idea of having sex in a room full of strangers with cameras and doing multiple takes with editing is NOT normal. Also it is impossible, to experience sex from the view of camera angles we see. There is no music in the background either. It is amazing though, how we have created this in our minds and associate it with being normal.

    Sex is all about the physicality of being in the actual prescence of someone else. In the moment, you are both present and actually connecting with each other. If both people are not present then you really are just behaving like animals.

    I am going on this rant not to you necessarily, but also to solidify this in my own mind. When my urges get high it is difficult for me to think like this all the time. However, it is still the reality of the situation.

    Just know that refusing PMO, is not just will-power but going up against a billion dollar porn industry.

    Be encouraged and hang in there.
  2. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

    Heyy Bee_11,
    Thanks for the message and thanks for reading my journal, it means a lot to me.
    Your words are very encouraging and supportive as well as informative. Will help other users who read them also. I'll take note of the things you said and apply them in my future love life!
    Fingers crossed, I think it'll eventually turn out ok if I continue to do these things I'm doing also. No pornography has helped and will continue to help me a lot.

    I'm glad you're on the forum I hope you can benefit from the resources here!
    Sorry to hear about your love life..sounds pretty tough on you. Hopefully, you figure things out with the guy..
    I'm sorry I have no idea what kind of advice to give you about your situation with your love life. Maybe focusing on your goals and passions would help you get your mind off him some - possibly making new friends. I hope you have a better year ahead of you in 2019.

    You're pretty brave and strong too, I wish the best for you too, Bee_11!
  3. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

    Day 9

    I have been abstaining from Porn and the mental images of it. Though I did M today and I got an O. I don't know how to feel about it. But I am happy that I didn't have to resort to P for it. I don't want to resort to M or O in the future. But I read about it in the getting started journal and I feel happy that I don't really need P to stimulate myself.

    From today, I am abstaining from M and O totally. I don't want to resort to them anyway. But it just helps saying things out loud here, on forum. Do tell me if you feel that I should be more careful or if you think am walking over the edge. :)
  4. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut


    Hang in there. No P is a huge step. You will find that as you abstain from P your urges will do all kinds of things. Just keep at it.

    By removing P you will have less images to use. Remember, 1 win at a time, 1 enemy at a time. That's how winning is done
  5. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

    Thank you. I actually meant to post this in my journal. But I accidentally posted this here. I will move it there. :)

    Also, yes. I am pretty excited about it. The fact that I don't need P for M and O. I didn't know if it was true for myself. But now, I know. So, from today, I will be abstaining from M and O totally too.
  6. Newgrip Preston

    Newgrip Preston Fapstronaut

    It looks like you are doing well. Making great progress!

    Again, you are doing so well! You're always very encouraging. Thank you for being a part of this community!
  7. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

    @Newgrip Preston Thanks for the comments. I'm trying to be more encouraging!
  8. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

    I've been reading some journals lately and it's inspired me sort of to open up more.. so here it goes..

    The way I left things sort of makes it look like, I've been flirting with strangers still..but I stopped that about four/five months ago or something.. after I met someone online. Shortly after though, my ex-beloved returned to my life a few weeks afterwards..who I also only speak online with (but we were together in actuality before I moved away)..
    So then things got complicated for a few months and I figured I should stay quiet long before even meeting that new online friend who was /is an interest to me.. & I was right to do so.
    Anyways, it was a sort of situation, like in between guys and deciding, but now it's not..he will be subtracted from my life soon and then also I'll go be with my ex-beloved soon and I might get back together with him. Unnfortunately, one of the primary reasons that I'm going there and being with him is because he's pretty sick right now (though we had plans on and off and have both wannted to re-meet for a while now) and I want and and secondly need to be there..we also haven't seen each other in 3+ years and we've wanted to re-meet and possibly even date again, however, even if we don't make the decision to date again we both want to spend time together again and I also want to be there for him right now while he's going through this and that time is soon approaching ~
    I'm pretty unprepared and scared but I want this and I've wanted it for a long time..Hoppefully it goes well what ever happens. Also, above all I hope he will be OK health wise (he's waiting for some serious and scary results right now)
    I've been more stressed than ever before and I already have issues with anxiety.. so I have been having frequent nightmares with a side of not sleeping well.
    But that's ok, I know what I ccan do to try to help myself for the most part..also it's sort of unavoidable for right now because of the circumstances, I think it's pretty normal to be worried for someone else's life....

    I really wantedto pursue Mr. Stranger but I wont abandon Mr. NotAStranger, you know what I'm saying, especially since I wanted Mr. NotAStranger for such a long time and to re-meet him again. Maybe you don't get it, because I'm not providing enough details but that's ok.. I get it. lol.
    I also have a feeling Mr. NotAStranger would be better for me than Mr. quite a few ways..
    It still sort of stings though, it would sting anyways even if I chose Mr. Stranger...

    Oh well

    I want to try with Mr.NotAStranger...even if my knees are shaking.

    “It’s I who want it. And that’s enough.”

    César Vallejo
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019
  9. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

    After I discovered and became addicted to viewing porn when I was 14, I went to my parents for help with my addiction and I had some other issues going on as well. They first had me see a therapist since I was really depressed..and they told me I went to her for about a year or something but that time period was completely blocked out, that's how out of it I was.
    So then they decided to send me to a strict boarding school (a religious one) and I stayed there for 9 months. I didn't complete the program and got sent home earlier because I got kicked out. Which I thanked god for lol. It was a different state from where my parents were living... and I was pretty young and didn't know what was going on and believed the program was going to be ok. I was really out of it, but I got sent without wanting to go, not that I fought them on it or tried to run away or anything..
    Anyways that was the worst experience ever. Surprising, right? I actually learned a lot more dirty things there.
    Afterwards, as time went on my parents realized they made a mistake..but when I returned home, my parents had put a program on my laptop, to view every single thing that I was doing on it. I won't get into it, but, I was not behaving as I should have even with the program, because they were being too irrational with it so I ended up disobeying a lot.. I didn't have many ffriends in actuality and they didn't allow me online friends either.. no matter what we spoke about (which my father could read, since he could see every thing..) they were kinda strict.
    I made my fair share of mistakes, I could have just behaved online (as they had promised to take it off if I did for a long time) but I didn't for the most part..and I didn't do well with making friends in actuality and they were choosing who I could be friends with in actuality as well..and so.. it became this big mess. I also had some mental health issues/disorders...But I didn't behave for the most part and I should have..maybe the program would've got taken off..but then, who knows? Maybe I would've gotten in more trouble if I hadn't been supervised online..
    I guess I was pretty hopeless and helpless, I knew I'd continue it if they took it off.. it didn't really matter..I didn't care and I was almost shameless.
    So, I was flirting with men a lot still because I still found some ways to do it also, eventually, in actuality with some of the opportunities I was given and by breaking rules and stuff.
    I started seeing the same therapist from before being sent to B.S. I saw her for years. I never had the guts to tell her my fetishes though..
    So I was into showing myself on cam and flirting with men online, who were my friends, but we still got sexual. I got in trouble a lot and isolated a lot (with my laptop taken away and grounded, I also had alarms on my windows and stuff so I couldn't sneak out anymore)
    I could have been researching lots of healthy stuff online but I wasted a lot of years..
    It's very hard and shameful to admit that most of it was my fault, and admit to/ think back on all the stuff I put my dear parents through. They do love me very much and wanted to keep me safe.

    When I was almost 18 I got a job and bought a cell phone for myself, and then soon afterwards my dad took off the program on my laptop.
    I was more free when I got a job, but still pretty friendless and still being too sexual online on my phone. I hadn't viewed actual porn since 14, so thats what I eventually succumbed to doing on my phone. Pornography later bbecame my best friend, especially after I figured out I could pleasure myself to my fetishes. But I felt lonelier than ever, I felt sick too, I was sick. I was still playing with guys as well..
    I was pretty promiscuous and I didn't leave the online stuff for a long time..

    I guess I'll stop here for now.. that's some of my addiction background I thought I'd share.. I haven't been writing much about I figured I should and I have more courage now.
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019
  10. koalla

    koalla New Fapstronaut

    it's my 1st day on this site, and i'm feeling a little bit better for two reasons:
    - 1st i've deceided to change my life and get rid of this addiction
    -2nd i'm not the only one with kinky fetish developed in years of porn consumption, i even used prostitutes to satisfy these.

    i hope will have a real life back, i hope i will remove the mask and get out of the shadow of my life in which i'm living.
    Coffee Candy and EthanW. like this.
  11. EthanW.

    EthanW. Fapstronaut

    Wow, thank you for sharing that.

    I don't know all of your experiences, but I have found that the longer I go without PMO the more clarity I have. Finding that clarity may help bring you to find the solutions to the problem you have now, and present understanding to aspects of your past.

    All the best to you.
  12. Jim2015

    Jim2015 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing so deeply from your heart. I admire your openness and transparency as you share your innermost feelings and seeking. Will be pulling for you as you move forward with your plan...with shaking knees. May you know peace, assurance, calm, and confidence. May you have the right words along with inner strength as you stand by to comfort and support in the midst of a potentially scary health situation. Thinking of you and with encouraging and hopeful thoughts.

    Thank you also for sharing your journey in the other post. May you continue on a journey toward healing and strength, moving in positive directions and making good choices.
  13. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

    Thanks for reading and for this comment, EthanW.

    Dunno how to reply to it but, I do believe I've gained some clarity... May we gain more, huh?

    Same to you
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019
  14. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

    Thank youu for this comment, Jim. Sort of almost brought heartdew to my eye! Very thoughtful and sweet...
  15. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

    @Coffee Candy I understand you've been through a traumatic childhood. It is not always abuse that causes trauma. Sometimes, it is the lack of the kind of parenting that we actually need. I understand your parents intended to do their best but ended up hurting you more in the process. I guess, you are the eldest child or probably the only child. But there are a few things I want to tell you:

    1. You are very brave to speak up about your journey through various phases of this addiction. It must have really been hard for you. But I believe that when you tell your story to the world, it's not for the world. It is for yourself. It is to lift off burden from over your chest. And I really hope, doing that helped you.

    2. You are not the only one to have fetishes. All of us enjoy our kinks, at times. Honey, you shall not be ashamed of these things. I know that there's a lot of piled up guilt and it's good that you realize how unhealthy these practises were but at the same time, I feel that you're too hard on yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Flirting is something all of us do. I can't comment on online sexual encounters you had because I don't know to what extent you pursued it but I sure as hell know that you didn't mean any of it. It was your body that wanted it. Not you. Humans are better than animals. You know why? Because we are capable of love. And when we love, we love only one person. So, it may have been a lot of men helping you please yourself, but in the end, it was the lack of love in your life that drove you to a point where you needed to feel loved, so bad that you didn't care what kind of love it was, or if it was love or not at all or where were you receiving it from.

    All I want to say is that, forgive yourself. Leave past in the past. You can have a better control over your body if you want to have it. But we have to nip the cause from the root. You have to understand that you are not a bad person. A lot of bad things happened to you, for sure but you made a choice. A choice to come out clean. And now you are trying. And that makes you a super amazing human.
  16. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

    Hi Bee_11, I have not been through a traumatic childhood. I think it (boarding school )was just a scary event.. & I don't know if I would deem it traumatic though.
    I don't think it was what I needed, you're sort of right..

    Mhm.. it did hurt. It hurt a lot & I didn't forgive them for a long time. But I have forgiven them, It's all in the past now.

    Thanks for this, you're very caring for me...
    I agree. We'll see, I think so, it's sort of nice to just put everything down here. There are not many mean people here so I feel pretty safe...especially with people like you around :+)

    My kinks/fetishes are not chatting with men online though..I've stated my fetishes on the first page, it may be hard for people who speak multiple languages to understand since I added asterisks.. lol..but if you need clarification, shoot me a private message.
    However, I am for the most part past the point of shame about my fetishes (though I'm still struggling to write out the entire words without asterisks lol..) but it doesn't hurt one bit to receive these words, so thanks!

    It's nice you think that I am being too hard onn myself and that I should cut myself some slack
    however, I don't think I'm too hard on myself, but I am still trying to forgive myself for stuff. ..hopefully someday!

    I think I needed/wanted that attention, yeah. ..
    I didn't really receive ultimate pleasures from it besides this weird, I know now, dopamine feeling ( I think) ..I was a tease, mostly just for show. I liked to make guys climax..
    It was lack of a lot of stuff..but I didn't lack any love from my parents.

    Yes Ma'am! I do want to have it!
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2019
  17. Loveless-J.R.A

    Loveless-J.R.A Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    Wow... read it through... twice. Candy, your one tough ladette! At 13 i discovered P. At 15 I did a 90days. Now... back at it. Yeah... its really hard to give up. Boarding school... bleh. Old man sent me for after school miltary training. More advance than cadets. The main reason was to help develop discipline. The thing with alarms on your windows... well, we had floodlights in my backyard, with motion sensors. I started driving at around 11. So being a "car guy" , I was at every drag at 1 in the morning. Did Street races... you can name it. Point is, the schools our parents choose, did nothing, but made it worst. In Milat, I met many others, who was normal with PMO. Some even talked about it like it was a movie. Also got into a lot of fights with the older guys. Then scarface came, became a mad lad sort of speaking. Would do what i want, when i wanted. I have wasted a lot of my youth... I did farely well in school, but looking back, i could have done much better. Yeah... we made some mistakes, haven't we...
  18. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut


    Military school sounds pretty harsh, how was that for you?

    Wow driving at 11..
    and even more wowing a 90days at fifteen..

    I think you're pretty advanced for your age in a lot of areas.. and I know and see you've grown a lot from your past mistakes. You're a young laddy still and now very much on the right path, I believe. Others only start to straighten up much later in their lives and you've started early and should very much be proud of that.
    So kudos to you for wanting to and for straightening yourself up..!

    Thanks for reading and slipping this note into here.
  19. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

    Mr. Not A Stranger isn't doing well and I don't know what the conclusion will be, we did receive his exam resultts and I know his diagnosis now ... but he has chances and he can work( and is working) on changing some stuff to try and get better before we really lose a large percent of hope (but not all hope..) .. I don't really wanna talk about it in depth so I'm being purposely vague, but it is serious.
    He's still working and going through life as usual and he's taking medications so it's not like he is immobile or stuck in a hospital or something...
    By my behavior on the site I may not appear to be acting like I evenn care but I do care, I care very much. I know don't need to convince anyone of that, but I'm paranoid that you might think I look like I don't care.

    Talk about my love life later

    How am I? I guess better than I deserve but not too well. My days are non-productive and my brain is sort of melting from it..
    I barely leave the house, so I barely excercise and so my body is also melting from that, and I don't have a job, and I know this is going to surprise you but I also don't study either.

    I have however, started leaving the house more in (the last months of) 2018 because I was severely deteriorating but then almost four months ago, I stopped leaving the house more regularly, so now I've destroyed some of theprogress I've made against deterioration..:oops:

    But all in all I'm pretty housebound.. but it didd do good to leave the house more regularly. I will return to do that in about a week.

    There's a forum I used to frequent years ago, it was called the Social Anxiety Support forum (I frequented it because I struggle with Social Anxiety to a large percent), but it was prettyyyyyy boring to talk to people who also were stuck like me or barely left the house/lacked a social life...I also communicated much less than I have here on this forum while I was there. You can make a little blog there and document your life and how you cope and combat Social can gain're not lonely there.
    I've thought of returning there and doing that and communicating more and practicing my socializing there.. but I think I'll only do that if I fail like, a last option type thing. Maybe if I fail in here, by that point, I won't even need the SAS forum. Because a few-to 8 months from now I could/ I'll move to a different country where I'll work on getting a job and actually face humans at face value probably almost every day for the rest of my life :+(
    I think these last months before then I should try to prepare myself for that heavily. I need to prepare my brain and health in a lot of ways till then. I have a lot to work on @[email protected]

    I think I'll start a little list where I'll check it everyday. This also ties into my sexual issues. If I don't become anything or do anything then I'll return to the bad stuff.
    I've seen a few users do the little check list. Think it might benefit me to have that public accountablity even if noone says anything, someone may be reading, (and I thinking too hard) will think..oh "some random user, my arch enemesis, a guy friend who I admire and is doing so well, a girl friend who I aspire to be like, a h8er; who I wanna prove that I was a better me than I was yesterday (..etc) might be reading this daily and they're seein that I'm not or haven't ____ everyday for the past week" which would instill shame in me...

    I'll think of my list of things.

    Thanks if *you're reading* this right now and support me.
  20. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear about Mr. Not a Stranger. I hope he gets better and, if possible, that you two can be together.

    It sounds like you're in quite the pickle. Don't try to take things all at once. Work on getting one thing solved and then work on the next. I find that's the best way to handle things. Don't feel like you need to get everything fixed right now. Keep a note on what is most important to work on right now and work from there.

    You don't need to listen to anything I say, but here are my two cents. You said you don't work and you don't study, however that does not seem to be detrimental to you right now, so you could put that a little further down your list. However, it may be wise to take your mental and physical health into consideration and work on those. If it'll help you to become a better functioning person, that would be a better goal to go for. Once you've knocked that down then you can move on to the other problems you're having.

    Again, you don't need to listen to anything I say, I don't know what it's like to be you. You should do whatever you feel is necessary for you right now.

    Best of luck!
    Coffee Candy likes this.

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