Hello. I'm not sure about journal writing as I don't think it will be written in much. I feel self conscious as well as paranoid about it. But I will try. I once saw someones journal on here and they eventually just updated with sentences a day or a really short paragraph.. so that might happen to me..I don't know. I guess I will I have had issues with different doors of promiscuity in real time and with flirting online with random men, but I haven't done both of these things in quite a long time. Not equal lengths of time but long. I don't really have the desire for it any longer. I am very housebound especially now in life and though I don't really have the option to be promiscuous, I really and truly don't feel like I would be promiscuous if I had the options now. I just don't want these things for myself anymore... Which I feel very content & good about but I still get little cravings sometimes to do so. I've been majorly struggling with pornography/literotica for years too. .. Not just any ''normal'' pornography, but some fetishes... some I won't share but I will share these and these of course, um... are some of the grossest ones... um... *gulp* .....sc*t and fl*tul*nc* ....... @[email protected] I've heard that things thrive in shame and secrecy and if you just share it helps.....so that's why I am sharing it. I don't really care if you think I should embrace it or not... I don't care if you think I am gross either... I do care if you're rude/mean to me about it though. I personally have chosen not to embrace it...though It's not really a choice, because funny thing is is that I find them pretty gross in actuality (to might I add an unnatural degree) but not to most things on video..though, I have theories that it's possible that I could try to entertain it in actuality with the right person, be conditioned into some things having to do with it, but heavily don't really want to and possibly won't ever try to entertain it...for obvious reasons. :anime sweat drops: I have tried to entertain it with an actual individual, with the same fetishes online, but could not go through with it....I found that interesting and a blessing...but I'm still, of course, feeling highly cursed as you can imagine. Anyways, it's just really complicated... I don't know if I should really open up further about things... but I used to not be able to really touch myself to other stuff but I've discovered I can sometimes or I think it only lasts for a period of time until I can't..I still havent investigated it very much.. but my fetishes are strong this is important to know. so that's why I'm definitely on this site. It is also hard to come by people who don't think I should embrace it.. I mean random people online.. I've tried..It's rare. It's rare to ffind people with fetishes especially who want to not entertain it (as much as you possibly can ..because a true fetish doesn't go completely ever away..or is this false?) and focus their sexual energy on more um..normal sexual acts... I mean a lot of people speak of embracing almost every fetish as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.. I don't really want to get into a debate... Anyways, thanks for reading my first entry. Edit: There's not much encouragement or much of a journey in the following pages. Just so you know. It might be a big waste of your time to start reading through this.