My diary

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Sprinkles, Jul 31, 2018.

  1. Sprinkles

    Sprinkles Fapstronaut


    I'm not sure about journal writing as I don't think it will be written in much.

    I feel self conscious as well as paranoid about it. But I will try.
    I once saw someones journal on here and they eventually just updated with sentences a day or a really short paragraph.. so that might happen to me..I don't know.

    I guess I will
    giphy (2).gif
    I have had issues with different doors of promiscuity in real time and with flirting online with random men, but I haven't done both of these things in quite a long time. Not equal lengths of time but long. I don't really have the desire for it any longer.
    I am very housebound especially now in life and though I don't really have the option to be promiscuous, I really and truly don't feel like I would be promiscuous if I had the options now. I just don't want these things for myself anymore...
    Which I feel very content & good about but I still get little cravings sometimes to do so.

    I've been majorly struggling with pornography/literotica for years too. ..
    Not just any ''normal'' pornography, but some fetishes... some I won't share but I will share these and these of course, um... are some of the grossest ones... um... *gulp**t and fl*tul*nc* ....... @[email protected]
    I've heard that things thrive in shame and secrecy and if you just share it that's why I am sharing it.
    I don't really care if you think I should embrace it or not... I don't care if you think I am gross either...
    I do care if you're rude/mean to me about it though.
    I personally have chosen not to embrace it...though It's not really a choice, because funny thing is is that I find them pretty gross in actuality (to might I add an unnatural degree) but not to most things on video..though, I have theories that it's possible that I could try to entertain it in actuality with the right person, be conditioned into some things having to do with it, but heavily don't really want to and possibly won't ever try to entertain it...for obvious reasons.
    :anime sweat drops:
    I have tried to entertain it with an actual individual, with the same fetishes online, but could not go through with it....I found that interesting and a blessing...but I'm still, of course, feeling highly cursed as you can imagine.
    Anyways, it's just really complicated...

    I don't know if I should really open up further about things...

    but I used to not be able to really touch myself to other stuff but I've discovered I can sometimes or I think it only lasts for a period of time until I can't..I still havent investigated it very much.. but my fetishes are strong this is important to know.

    so that's why I'm definitely on this site.

    It is also hard to come by people who don't think I should embrace it.. I mean random people online.. I've tried..It's rare. It's rare to ffind people with fetishes especially who want to not entertain it (as much as you possibly can ..because a true fetish doesn't go completely ever away..or is this false?) and focus their sexual energy on more um..normal sexual acts...
    I mean a lot of people speak of embracing almost every fetish as long as it doesn't hurt anyone..

    I don't really want to get into a debate...

    Anyways, thanks for reading my first entry.

    There's not much encouragement or much of a journey in the following pages. Just so you know. It might be a big waste of your time to start reading through this.
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2019
  2. Sprinkles

    Sprinkles Fapstronaut

    Really ashamed but I didn't choose these things... : (
  3. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Hello there, @number1disgrace (which IMO should be number1courage).

    First of all your decision to talk openly about things that cause you such shame and discomfort is a huuuge step forward on the way of recovery.

    and your courage is very much respected and admired :) NO ONE on this site is ever going to be mean or rude about your problem, believe me, each on of us is struggling with something similar (if not the same), one way or another. Everyone has been and is at some point in that deep dark hole of shame, and everyone is struggling to get out of it.

    I think the answer to the fetish question is right in what you wrote; porn addiction/exposures for years causes fetishes. Simple as that. There is this teeny percentage of people who have fetishes not related to porn (probably from childhood experiences? I'm clueless on that), but by the nature of your fetishes I would say they're porn-induced. Anyway the simple way to know is to go hardmode no PMO and see how they go away.

    The way I understood the reason behind porn-induced fetishes; our primitive brains are wired to seek sexual novelty, unfortunately pornography is the best (the worst) source to satisfy (and mess with) this wiring. What happens when one becomes addicted to porn is that our brains become gradually numb to the dopamine hit (the euphoria, the satisfaction) it gets from watching the usual stuff; this is called DESENSITIZATION, and so it starts looking for a stronger dopamine hit, something that brings more pleasure, something more extreme, and so one starts to look at weirder genres of pornography, things one doesn't necessarily find attractive in real life, things one might even be disgusted by in real life!! This is called ESCALATION. There is also a scientific explanation behind watching more extreme porn; when this sexual content is coupled with anxiety and stress (e.g. because the content is forbidden from religious, moral, perspectives to the addict), the reward centers in the brain fire up even more than when one looks at the 'normal' stuff, and so one gets even more hooked on fetishes.

    And therefore it is very important to give your brain a long rest from all artificial stimulation (Porn, masturbation, fantasies, literotica, porn substitutes, everything related to sexual energy IMO) in order to rewire your brain. Now I strongly recommend Gary Wilson's website and his book by the same name, for more invaluable information about porn addiction and all that's related to it. Explains everything brilliantly.

    I would like to quote something from Gary Wilson's book related to fetishes:
    "Assuming a fetish is permanent
    The belief that ‘I can't help my fetishes; that's just who I am’ can become a serious stumbling
    block to quitting internet porn because it can feel like you're abandoning your only hope of
    sexual fulfilment. The fact is, only by process of elimination will you know whether you are
    dealing with a porn-induced superficial 'fetish' or a true fetish arising from the core of your
    sexual identity.
    Obviously, if a fetish disappears during the months after you quit porn then it wasn't integral
    to your sexual identity. In the meantime, your cravings for past highs related to your tastes in
    porn can deceive you. Said one young guy:

    In summer 2011 I developed a new fetish, and oh god I could feel the dopamine in my
    brain. I was so happy and excited when watching this new type of porn that my body would
    shake. Since then I have been a lot less happy and have never gone back to normal.

    Confused by the combination of past thrills and present dissatisfaction, some porn users
    escalate through a series of increasingly extreme porn. Others wonder if their sexual orientation
    has changed as they find new things intensely arousing and earlier things less arousing. Some
    desperately seek certainty by furiously masturbating to different kinds of porn in an effort to
    figure things out. Compulsive checking can drive them deep into an addiction or OCD-like
    behaviour without clarifying anything. Still others try acting out their fetishes in search of
    In all cases, it makes sense to rule out excessive porn use as a cause first. The brain needs a
    rest not testing. This is accomplished by quitting porn and porn fantasy for a few months. Watch
    out, because withdrawal discomfort or flatlining may persuade you that you just need more
    extreme scenarios to find satisfaction, when satisfaction actually lies in a balanced brain (the
    opposite direction)."

    That's why I agree with you 100% not to embrace those fetishes. Porn messes up with our brain circuitry soo much, to the extent of doubting our sexual orientation, or in your case (and many, many Fapstronauts' cases on this site), to doubt whether one should or not embrace fetishes as a simple 'weird sexual taste'.

    Now about the shame... It is unfortunately a very strong parallel to this addiction, but I believe in sharing things here on this platform it makes things much easier. First you'll know that you're not alone in this, we're all struggling with porn-related problems and shame, secondly and you can really benefit from other's experiences. Mr. @GhostWriter helped me a lot by recommending Ted Talks by Irene Brown about shame (thank you :))

    Also as to the rebooting process, I would suggest taking it one day at a time...
    Yeah journaling here helps, even if you described how your day went in a few words. You'll know eventually how often and what you'll write in it, but it helps in taking it one day at a time.

    Finally, Salutes to the Master of Resigned Determination. It is doable, and you already demonstrated great courage, it is a slow recovery but definitely worth it.
    Hope this post wasn't too long or boring. Be strong :D
  4. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    Hi number1! It is nice to see you there, fingers crossed for your life improvement :)
  5. Sprinkles

    Sprinkles Fapstronaut


    Hi moominfindinglight, this was so sweet of you to think and say. I truly appreciate it.

    Hmm.. while I don't disagree that pornography may be some or the entire cause of some people's fetishes...
    I disagree that that could be my case, I wish I could say mine were caused because of pornography. I think I am that teeny percent. Mine are not pornography-induced fetishes. I know it's confusing as I said that they gross me out in reality but when I was little I already held 1 of these fetishes. Talking about kindergarten days already. I suppose I should have said this in my first entry... but I've always reacted strangely to these two things ever since small. Not just reacted. There are some things I can't disclose or isn't worth mentioning..buuuut
    I suppose it doesn't really matter because I find them gross face to face now .. I just would like you to know that I know the difference between a fetish and browsing/touching yourself to pornography because of desensitization I have experienced some of that...

    I have went hardmode and they did not go away. Is it even worth mentioning the amount of time, I presume you would say that I just did not go long enough... Maybe, but I just really don't think it will ever go away...not to be pessimistic, but realistic for my situation.
    I know you are trying to help figure this out with me and give me your support so I don't think you will argue with me about my own case..but I guess I just want to say that l have accepted that it won't ever go completely away..

    I don't know just how much I want to share..but a long time ago, I couldn't touch myself to normal things and I tried, this was when I was in a completely dark hole... and I know that was some desensitization now (as a conclusion, not that I am realizing this just now but I knew around the time back then too. However this site brought the word desensitization in to my mind as I did not know of it nor it's definition as used here, before which has helped a lot. [and btw thank you for mentioning desensitization//escalation because I may not have known] ) and that gives me some hope and that's all I need..:emoji_grimacing:

    Thank you for the book recommendation (I will check it out) and for the quote. I agree with you.

    Heh. I will see what Brene is saying as well.

    Okay, I will try. No promises on keeping it or this account though.

    Hey, thank you for the kind and thoughtful post. Not boring at all and I enjoyed reading it.
    You be strong too:emoji_handshake:

    P.S. I had to edit your link because I am a newbie with unsufficient credits to post something with a link.
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2018
    White Sheep, The Winner, Her and 5 others like this.
  6. Sprinkles

    Sprinkles Fapstronaut

    Thank youuu :+)
    The Winner, Her, Newgirl and 3 others like this.
  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Actually, it was "Brene' Brown"; not "Irene Brown". But thank you for the honorable mention just the same.
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    If you will allow me, I can help you.

  9. Its brave of you to open up about this, thats always the first step. I dont think you'll find many people here who will judge you harshly, because we all have our own shame and guilt to deal with. As far as accepting your fetish goes, i agree, thats not the answer and again i think you'll find most people agree. There are a lot of people trying to fight their unnatural fetishes and im no exception. Anyway, good luck, stay strong, and be assured that you've come to the right place.

    Oh, and i also agree that not all fetishes are the result of porn watching or childhood trauma. I had a great childhood and i had a fetish long before i started watching porn.
  10. Sprinkles

    Sprinkles Fapstronaut

    Sure, that'd be really nice
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2018
  11. Sprinkles

    Sprinkles Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the reassurances.. :) I agree with you on the "not all fetishes result from pornography watching/childhood trauma/embarassments".
    Yeah, likewise. Do you no longer hold that fetish? How is it going for you?
  12. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Well I personally developed p-induced altered preferences to extreme and weird stuff, which would go away after I'd stop PMO, so I guess I was too quick to assume the nature of your fetishes (sorry about that).. Unfortunately, it's completely uncharted territory for me, but I would say that examining the circumstances in which they first arose could help figuring out ways to cope with them?? (I mean if one can say that a fetish could be a sort of classical conditioning between a usually-not-sexually-related thing and a sexual attraction to it? I'll just stop right here)... Anyway I hope things will get better for you and I'm sure you'll find people here who are more experienced in this subject. Good luck :D

    damn, sorry about that :S
    control your life likes this.
  13. Sprinkles

    Sprinkles Fapstronaut

    Ohh okay..Well, I'm glad they go away for you!
    No need to apologize I just didn't put out enough information in my entry...

    I dont really understand what you're saying about classical conditioning I'm sorry

    I'll figure it outt sometime. Ways to deal with it emotionally and combat the pornography to it.

    thanks :)
  14. R.o.B

    R.o.B Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    You have some fetish that you say is gross. And you say you have accepted it that it will never go. But somewhere you know it is wrong. Right, So I would say, you do not loose hope. Do not worry what people would say. And even more, no one here even knows you real identity. So share all about your fetish or problem, maybe you would find some solution or someone to give you solution. And let's take the worst case. You do not get any solution out of anyone out here. Let's just for example assume this. Then it's no problem too.
    You are not defeated untill you trying. Keep up and practice, no matter how much small practice, but keep up to it, and work towards what you think is right. Get defeated and then stand up again. And the best part is what you feel is what really matters. So keep struggling. See if the journey of struggle is better. If it is then continue on it. Don't look after whether you win or loose. But see if what you are trying is justifying to you or not.
    I say that maybe in the end you accept what your fetish, then what, just go with it, just accept it, be with it, live with it. Stay strong...
    And maybe you better share here about what the problematic fetish of yours is. If it's such a problem, consult a doctor maybe... What's wrong in that...? Just don't keep in inside‌, struggling...
    It's all about your own decision. What you think.
    Keep you mind cool. Stay calm. And the think.

    And yes, I am no one specialist or expert. I just came across your journal and thought to share some of my advice.

    Be perfectly comfortable to completely ignore whatever I said if it doesn't suit you. And take if you find anything comforting or considerable.

    Wish you all the best and luck and courage and guts... Fight... Be happy stay calm... Don't be impulsive... Keep your mind poised.

    Take care...
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2018
  15. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Thanks, mmm I don't know if I was even making sense :confused:, just commenting on the idea that one should know what triggered the fetish in the first place. I read on wikipedia (as one does) that one of the models that could explain fetishes is classical conditioning, so could it possibly be how yours started??
  16. Good luck on your recovery!! Be the best you can be!
  17. Sprinkles

    Sprinkles Fapstronaut


    ignore? No way, who would ignore this. Thank you for taking the time to write out this very thoughtful and lovely message! I will ponder on and remember it.

    :~) I hope you'll do the same
  18. Sprinkles

    Sprinkles Fapstronaut

    !! Thanks
  19. Sprinkles

    Sprinkles Fapstronaut

    I've read up on it..I think it was a natural fixation..
    I don't think it started with classical conditioning but I'm not saying there wasn't any at all.
  20. Sprinkles

    Sprinkles Fapstronaut

    Feeling really sad today, mostly from things unrelated to this. :emoji_disappointed:

    The messages on this thread were so kind...:emoji_relieved:

    I guess it's good that I'm here for now.. certain things make me depressed on here but I have to try to do this.. it's either going through it alone or with some help..

    I'm really sensitive down there, so I really have to not touch at all...

    Pretty soon I will be around a lot of family and this will be quite a distraction..which is good.
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2018

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