My conscience is killing me

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by cae, May 25, 2015.

  1. cae

    cae Fapstronaut

    I could really use some comforting thoughts right now.

    Recently, I have gone through a very difficult time including several relapses and it almost seemed like there was not light at the end of the tunnel. A few of my problems:
    • The relapses deprived me almost completely of any joy and energy
    • I had severe trouble focussing and thus working on my problems mindfully
    • Work is very stressful at the moment and my reduced mental abilities made it even worse
    • I feel like I am running in circles and I'm afraid of losing control again
    Most of all, though, I think my biggest problem is my conscience. I really want to be morally clean, be a man that is able to be faithful to his wife (though I am single atm), work hard for what is good... But it is hard to concentrate on anything that can strengthen my faith. Whenever I read or hear anything related to being morally clean, fighting immoral desires, not giving in to temptations etc., I cannot help but be reminded how I was turned on by such depraved things. Even worse, I still can be! And also I have failed so many times, even after I realized how bad it was and despite of how hard I tried.

    I feel like this is too hard a burden to bear. And it robs me of any motiviation to get things done, care for myself and improve my personality. I know there've been times where I was able to cope with that much better. But right now, the feeling is unbearable (not least because of recent relapses, certainly).

    I would very appreciate to hear how you deal with this. Maybe there are some among you that used to feel the same but managed to get over it. Please help.
  2. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    You really need to practice forgiveness and compassion for yourself. You are a human who has made mistakes and although everyone strives for perfection and purity we have all failed at one time or another. It sounds as though you are a spiritual person so please know that God, whatever you perceive him/her to be has already forgiven you. Compassion for self is paramount to extending compassion and love to others. Without self compassion we become bitter and angry at the world. We feel unworthy of everything. The world is here for you to enjoy and you can once you forgive yourself and move toward becoming the man you want to be.

    Make a list each day of 5 things you can be grateful for today. Even if it is that you dealt easily with impure thoughts. Just the simple act of gratitude can keep you focused in the right direction. Self hatred will only lead to destructive behavior.
  3. cae

    cae Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your words. It all sounds very familiar and there have been times when I managed to handle this better. But in difficult times you tend to forget what you've learned. Also, it feels good to hear it from someone else.

    I tend to have trouble simply "enjoying" life. The thing that gives me most joy is reaching my goals, being a good person, being productive/creative, doing something for others and do a good job. Thus guilt and/or relapsing and the results of it rob me so easily of my joy.

    I will apply what you suggested. Today was a good day. One of the best for weeks.
  4. jatar

    jatar Fapstronaut

    I think you view yourself and your goals in a way that leaves only two options: you are either what you want to be or you aren't. In my experience, that is not how things work. Your goals are very noble and worth fighting for. But you're not worthless if you don't reach them straight away. There's a saying that we humans learn for our whole lives, but die stupid in the end. The point that I'm trying to make is that the journey of personal development is never over, there's always something to improve or change.

    You have to realize that by fighting your worst desires you are already bettering yourself and getting closer to your goals. Just look at the quote in your signature: "Don't count the days, make the days count". Each day that you devote to fighting and improving yourself, even if you fail along the way, is a day that counts. Neither you nor anyone else should expect you to just become a completely different person overnight. This is just impossible. You will have to work for it, and you are doing just that. Be proud of yourself, of making the effort that not everyone is ready to make.

    I'm sure that ultimately you will prevail and move on to improve other areas of your life without this addiction holding you back.
  5. KeenEye

    KeenEye Fapstronaut


    I know EXACTLY what your situation is like. A week or more ago I was on a 22 day streak and before that I'd done only 3 PMO's after ending a 21 day streak. That was the best progress I've ever had in my nofap. The world was yielding only good to me, and I was mostly good on the inside. I can relate that a simple relapse ruins everything for a short while, the virtues you seek, the pure joy that needs only you walking on your path and nothing else...etc. But I woke up in the middle of my 22nd night and I was COMPELLED by desire to PMO. I know now that it was my brain feeling threatened that I was finally recovering for good and did all it could. If I was just prepared for that, I would have responded by doing push ups. But I MO'ed twice and I binged by PMOing 9 other times ever since. You could say you and me are back on our initial stages on nofap. But what you could also say, is that we're like two people who've lived to be 40 and became 20 again. We have the knowledge, techniques, experience, determination now to pave our way to our ideals now.
    I can relate that I was becoming suicidal although I didn't think I'd decide to kill myself. But the suffering and the agony! I can also relate that I was having an exams week (I'm a college student).
    However, I feel great now. How? by learning some things (or relearning in a better way what I'd learnt before). I learnt the significance of discpline and being immersed in the activity that needs your discipline to begin doing. I already have great discipline for working out, as I have little to no obstacles to my starting my training sessions. I am bad at math but in those days I focused on discpline and I knew that instead of having to study math alone, I would have to also eliminate the obstacles (procrastination, scattered mind and scattered concentration, negative thoughts like: you will do something else in 3 minutes rather than studying math, my dislike for math). But I wrote down something like 10 times again and again during the strengthening of my discpiline. It was something from real time strategy video game, it was from a character: "difficult, to be sure. But it shall be done!" I wrote that, and also "Through discipline, we prevail!" and "Faith and duty" when I was progressing. These are all from that game and it may seem strange that I did this but I didn't just do this, I was thinking of discpline and mastering myself and the clarity that comes with it all the while. I studied for math for a total of 15-18 hours in 3 days (which is a lot for me, considering that I would spend 1-2 hour max on any study session). I also thought to myself "I would be very wrong to want this exam period to end and look forward to the holiday". As a result I loved the exam week and all the studying in which I was very focused and progressing both spiritually and in the study too. While our bodies have limitations, virtues (divine qualities as I like to call them too) seem endless. Discipline, will, compassion, wisdom, courage, and awareness all seem to be limitless. It is the obstacles we are conditioned to have that make us stop at every point in our lives.

    I know it's a long post but I didn't want to summarize too much my lessons to myself. I learned that 1. If one is to be happy, she/he NEEDS discipline. It's a very core element. 2. The virtues make us PMO-free, as they do everything else that is good and divine. If we focus on our virtues alone and be virtous all the time, PMO will naturally fade and the addicted mind becomes powerless. Everything else is small and insignificant before human divinity and our ability to experience deep feelings of joy, enthusiasm, inner fire or anything else. Therefore, DETACH from your nofap benefits/ superpowers and I expect that you were humbled too by the several relapses so you have stopped wishing your previous nofap streak to come back, and be LAUGH at the whole seriousness that you are drawn in by the vicious cycle of PMOing and suffering. Also, accept that for a week or two, you will be lustful and you will feel compelled to look at girls and objectify them. Of course, we must not watch porn anymore ( I installed k9 again and I am going strong again in my use of techniques and having great mindset). But accept that you will be having cravings. Don't wish they'd go away. They will, but only if you rise up to the challenge of the initial stages of nofap where it is hardest. I also use a technique in which I visualize myself responding to the urges and even the scenarios where I am woken up in the middle of the night being compelled to PMO, and I instead do 40 push ups and take a cold shower. Visualize everything. Your thoughts at that time, your reasoning, your erection, the material you MO to, doing push ups or whatever you do instead of the thing that 'feels great'.

    I always have to apologize for my long posts, but I don't think I should. I would have helped less by summarizing. I wish you virtue and clarity brother!
    tiro and cae like this.
  6. cae

    cae Fapstronaut

    Thank you @KeenEye for your post!

    My favorite quotes:

    "A simple relapse ruins everything for a short while"
    "My brain feeling threatened that I was finally recovering for good and did all it could"
    "But the suffering and the agony!"
    "The whole seriousness that you are drawn in by the vicious cycle of PMOing and suffering"
    "But accept that you will be having cravings. Don't wish they'd go away. They will, but only if you rise up to the challenge"

    So true!

    I can relate to most of what you said. It feels always so good read about others going through the exact same struggle.

    Today was a good day for me. It was my first day of work after a long time of. I was scared, because work used to be very stressful recently and I had trouble getting things done because of a lack of energy, discipline and motivation. But I did my best to do a good job today and I think I did pretty well. I'm not so scared anymore.

    I know, if I keep going, a few days/weeks in the future I might almost laugh at how I struggled over things that will seem so easy then. But the struggle is real! Right now. And I must never forget that, or I will be back to where I was very soon. Future Me, be thankful for what I'm doing now!
    KeenEye likes this.
  7. tiro

    tiro Fapstronaut

    Hey @cae I also feel terrible sometimes when I relapse (sometimes after a long time...)
    But it makes me try harder next time and avoid the situations that led me to do it in the past.
    Depending on your situation you also have to think that (unfortunately) you don't get rid of this overnight... it takes time... and you may loose a few battles... but what matters is the war...
    In the end if you persevere you will make it...
    We are all here trying to improve the way we deal with this.
    I recommend you to read the forums at least once a day... it may encourage you to read some stories of guys like you that are in the same battlefield.
    bookmark if you haven't done it........
    and if you feel that you need to watch P go to the emergency room...

    All the best bro!
    KeenEye likes this.
  8. KeenEye

    KeenEye Fapstronaut

    Thank you too for sharing your story. I benefited from this too. I'm happy that the pit I fall into when I relapse is as deep as those of some other fapstronauts, so as to make my experiences unnatural and impossible to improve. I'm glad you had a good start today!
    Let's conquer ourselves and PMO. It's easier now and simpler, as we know what to do. So let us do what we have to do. We will prevail!!
    cae likes this.

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