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My Confessional

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Sprinter123, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. Sprinter123

    Sprinter123 Fapstronaut

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    TRIGGER WARNING
    Following the advice of Dr Glover's book, No More Mr Nice Guy i am attempting to fix many things about myself which have been contributing to my general unhappiness and shoddy sex life. One of these things is exposing every aspect of my sexual self to safe supportive people. I'm using this post mainly as a way of getting all my thoughts in order so that i can talk to people in my life about it, but i figured NoFap is also a safe supportive network of people too.
    Here goes...
    My first sexual experience was when i was about 8, 9 or 10 years old, i forget. It was with my cousin, when i stayed over she and i would get naked and touch each other and look at each other. It never went any further than that but even then i knew that i wanted to be sexual with her, even if i didn't know what that meant at the time. I also knew at the time that it was wrong and that we shouldn't be doing it. This is the first time i have ever admitted this to anyone. We stopped doing this as we got older, i think because she realised that it wasn't something that we should have been doing.
    As i entered my teenage years i was very sexually ignorant, maybe i just never payed attention in sex-ed classes, but i didn't even know what masturbation was until i discovered it by accident. This first time i was scared and shocked by what had happened and i felt dirty and bad for doing it, but i kept doing it because it felt good. Nobody ever spoke to me about these things or explained how it all worked or the healthy normal way that young men indulge in these sort of activities. For this reason i think that there was always an unhealthy amount of shame and fear associated with masturbation. I would often deny doing it and never directly talked to anyone, friends or family, about it because it was weird and wrong and deviant.
    Needless to say, at some point, i think when i was around 14 (so quite a late starter) i also discovered internet porn, and of course indulged in that heavily too, as many young men are want to do. This began the inevitable long slow decline into harder and more irregular genres over the next decade and more. I even tried cross-dressing for a little bit, but i grew out of that. I would masturbate regularly even up into my 20s and i always felt that i was doing something wrong.
    I also discovered erotica and 'pornographic art' online at some point, and because i'm a creative type i also had a go at creating some of my own writing and drawings. This increased the amount of time i would spend edging and indulging in these activities as i created my own fantasies and stories.
    The first time i had sex was when i was about 22 (also a late starter). My girlfriend and I. Predictably i did not last long and this is a trend that has stayed with me for the rest of my life. I was a fast learner and soon learned ways of pleasing sexual partners without using my penis, which i though was good enough, so long as she was having orgasms it didnt matter whether i could perform or not. But this was a lie i was telling myself, there was always a big hollow it inside of me that i couldn't perform properly and it always made me feel incredibly inadequate and juvenile and shameful.
    I have had sex with nine people in my life, four of these have been regular girlfriends and the others have been very unfulfilling (for me at least) casual things. At least two of those were hookups where she was cheating on her partner with me. This i think only helped to increase the shame and feeling that sex was bad and i was bad for doing it.
    My sex life was never great, it was ok and often bad, and i always settled because i figured bad sex is better than no sex. My partners were never very sexually available and i don't know if that was me or them, but i feel that i can't take 100% of the blame for this. A lot of the time it was definitely me being shameful and fearful of rejection, but other times it was definitely them being sexually unavailable and self centred. If i knew then what i know now, i would have actually discussed this with them rather than just fostering a sense of rejection and resentment within myself which i think definitely contributed to the breakdown of each relationship. But you can't change the past.
    After finishing university my life became something of a feminine drought with little to no sexual activity for four years, during which time i disappeared even further down the porn hole indulging in yet more irregular brands and practices. It was during this time that i also discovered anal masturbation which i would also indulge in on occasion.
    In my mid-late 20s i began to have an inkling that i might have a problem with masturbation and pornography. I wasn't yet able to admit to myself that i had a full blown addiction or that i should stop. But i did try to cut back and only indulge at weekends. This lead to the practice of dying to get home on a Friday night so i could go on a porn bender and masturbate often three, sometime even four times that night.
    I also discovered internet chat rooms and cyber sex during this time. The sexual role play and attention that i was receiving from these faceless people online really fulfilled the hollow space i had been feeling. It made me feel sexual and desired and powerful and this became a really bad influence on me to the extent that i was spending entire evenings and sleepless nights on these chatrooms.
    And this is where i have to admit my biggest sexual bugbear, the biggest festering ball of toxic shame inside me. All of my years of porn had warped my sexual preferences until i was into genres which i am struggling with to this day. I was (and still am, although i'm fighting back) in to sissy porn. I was always in a dominant role in these sexual fantasies and the whole concept of being sexually dominant over a feminine submissive sissy was what i needed to fill the hollow of undesired sexual repression i have been dealing with. I was a part of a whole online society of people who had also been warped by pornography into thinking that this was what they wanted and therefore i figured it was ok. But i still knew in the back of my head, behind the brain fuzz that it was all wrong and this wasn't what i wanted and i was disappearing down a dark path that would be very hard to turn back from.
    I finally admitted that i had a problem when i started a new relationship in my late 20s. The first time we had sex i was rubbish, and filled with shame and regret at not being able to perform and (in my head at least) disappointing her. This was when i joined NoFap and started facing my addiction and dealing with it. I've been through several reboots and even made it to day 120 once, each time i feel like I've gotten a little bit better mentally, but i still have a very big problem with PE.
    However i hit a road-bump a few months back when my relationship broke up. I don't think that it was directly due to the lack of good sex, it was probably a contributing factor. I think it was probably a combination of just not being right for her and my seriously bad 'Nice Guy' syndrome (again Dr Glover's book explains a lot of this).
    Anyway after this relationship broke up i was heartbroken and i feel back into a really bad self destructive spiral. There was a couple of weeks of terrible over-indulgence in all the porn, chat rooms and fantasies. It was during this time i also had a hookup with a 'sissy', my first sexual encounter with another man. I did not enjoy myself, it was weird and prickly and even then i could not perform and i left feeling deeply disgusted with myself. I got back onto NoFap that night and i've followed that Hard Mode streak up until the here and now.
    So where am i here and now? Well i'm still strugging with my porn addiction. Last week i had a really really bad bought of PAWS, Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Although tat the time i didn't know that's what it was, i just felt incredibly depressed and lonely and sad that i didn't have anyone to love. Thankfully simply by NoFap putting a name to this feeling and helping me see that others are going through the same thing has really helped with this. If others can get through it, so can I.
    I am still struggling with the sexual preference for 'sissy' porn which my years of addiction has wrought in me. Even now, i think that i'm probabaly bi-sexual, although with a definite preference for more feminine people. I keep thinking that i would still like to experiment with feminine males using a service like Grinder for example and maybe i will have a better experience than the first time. But i don't know if this is me talking or the porn addiction. I definitely still prefer women but i also feel like i'm in the right sort of place in my life where a little experimentation and non-binary sex might not go amiss. But again, perhaps that just the addiction talking.
    For the future, i need to continue with this reboot. I also need to deal with my sexual same and fear that i have been harbouring for the last 15 years. I will do this by coming out with all of this and more to safe, supportive people in my life. I will also one day begin to masturbate again in a healthy way without shame or fear, but until i am confident that i can do so without the need for porn or fantasy, then the pant are staying on.
    Hopefully all of this will help me to be happy in myself and find a relationship with is emotionally and sexually fulfilling. I hope to be a better me.

    This has been my 100% nothing held back confession. Thanks for reading.
     
    r8js likes this.
  2. r8js

    r8js Fapstronaut

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    Congratulation u have self analyzed urself very well.
     

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