MY compulsive SA battle

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by William Wallace, Jun 29, 2018.

  1. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    Relapsed again. Went out with an old friend last night which involved alcohol. Later on in the evening I fell into the old trap and relapsed upon our departure....solo mission. It is unbelievable how I continue to do the same stupid crap. I really do need to get my shit straight.
     
  2. GeorgeJetson

    GeorgeJetson Fapstronaut

    Hello and thank you for your honesty. I feel your pain in so many ways. My situation is slightly different. I'm still very attracted to my wife and we have two toddlers. We still make love and enjoy each other's company. However, I struggle with online cam chatting with random women as well as porn. I recently had a massage appointment because of my body building and marathon running activities. I went to a place I thought had a good reputation in regards to legal, quality massage therapy. I quickly realized it was a bit different. The lady didn't speak much English and removed the small towel from my backside. She proceeded to rub my buttocks for a good 30 minutes, even touching my other privates in the process. Despite my original intentions, I didn't interrupt her and let her continue. When she told me to turn over, she removed the towel and exposed my erection for at least 20 seconds. I tried to go with the flow but I began experiencing some anxiety and hot flashes. I kept apologizing while pointing to my erection and she kept saying she couldn't do anything because her boss was in the other room. She obviously didn't understand what I was saying. I wasn't asking for anything, I was simply apologizing for my erection. She rubbed very close to it and got me on the edge of having an O without even stimulating the part itself. She went down to work on my feet and I placed my hands and arms over that area on the towel and proceeded to have an O. She pulled the towel off in disgust (which was surprising considering how much time she spent on my nude buttocks and butthole area) and kept saying no no no. I was full of shame, guilt, fear, and panic as nothing like this have ever happened. I've never paid for a sketchy massage nor have I ever been to a strip club. I'm not judging those who have, it just happens to not be my thing. Anyway, she left the room and I layed on the table in complete panic. She came back with a hot towel and had me clean up. I gave her the towel back and she proceeded to cover me again and go back to work on my feet and legs.

    I know my situation may seem different, the pain and hatred towards myself is the same. This addiction always creeps back in one form or another and now I fear being arrested or something.

    NoFap has been a place I run to that always meets my needs. The times I've dedicated myself to this community have been some of the most freeing I've ever felt. Unfortunately, I'm a chronic relapser and always fade away to relapse.

    I'm starting over after being absent for a few months. You are definitely in the right place. However, I always fail soon after I stop being active on the boards and doing the things I need to do to maintain sobriety. Keep us updated and stay connected.
     
    William Wallace likes this.
  3. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. That must have been a strange experience for you. I can no longer receive a regular massage because that is now a trigger for me. I go through long periods of time doing well and then all the stress and anxiety builds up and I end up doing something stupid, then the regret and shame kicks in.....rinse and repeat. I exercise on a regular basis but lately I have not been as consistent due to the kid’s activities. That is a key for me in dealing with my state of mind. The other factor that will lead to my relapses is alcohol which I have been consuming more than usual.....self medicating for my recent stress.

    So today is day 1 for me and I will go back to battle.
    Thanks again for the response.
     
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  4. GeorgeJetson

    GeorgeJetson Fapstronaut

    Back to battle for the both of us. I've been sober from alchoaland drugs for almost 13 years. I'm so grateful for another program and my relationship with a higher power for getting and keeping me sober. Taking away those substances hasn't cured me of all my demons, but definitely helps in other ways in life.
     
    William Wallace likes this.
  5. RAWMagic

    RAWMagic Fapstronaut

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    Buddy, one piece of advice.

    With a woman, complimenting and praising gives them motivation. Stating what's wrong with them hurts them. They're feminine, not masculine. Criticism causes most of them to close. Even implicit criticism.

    Praise leads them to radiance, energy and motivation.

    Don't take my word for it.

    Try praising your wife for something small about her appearance. Some one small thing you can still enjoy. Even her ankles or her nipples or lips. Praise her body, repeatedly. Praise her energy and light, repeatedly. Do this consistently for at least two weeks, and see what happens.
     
  6. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    That is really good advice and I will follow it and see what happens. In the past I have complimented her for losing a small amount of weight and it actually seemed to backfire because she would stop her routine of weight loss and then gain it back.....I don’t know....subconsciously she thought that she no longer needed to stay the course because of the compliments?
     
  7. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    Just changed my title of my thread....I am not powerless.
     
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  8. RAWMagic

    RAWMagic Fapstronaut

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    With women, always call the glass half full.

    Don't say, "Honey, you look better because you've lost weight. I can see your hips better."

    Say something like, "Baby, your hips look so sexy when you do your exercises, I love watching you."
     
    William Wallace likes this.
  9. RAWMagic

    RAWMagic Fapstronaut

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    Strong.

    :emoji_punch:
     
    William Wallace likes this.
  10. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    Had a close call today. Did not have much to do and got on the app whisper. Started chatting with a young lady who asked if I could help her out with some money to pay her rent and in return she would provide me with sexual favors........needless to say that triggered the SA......so I then searched some E’s and made contact with a couple of them. I did not meet up with any of them and instead MO’d while I took a shower and that set me back to reality. I am disappointed with myself to how close I came to relapsing but I am also happy that I did not give in to my compulsion.
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2019
    Tiger uppercut! and gtablor like this.
  11. RAWMagic

    RAWMagic Fapstronaut

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    How we doing Wallace? What's the story?
     
  12. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    @RAWMagic
    Doing well. Going with the full re-boot indefinitely.....19 days so far. I feel much better about myself with semen retention.
    How’s things with you?
     
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  13. Mr. McMarty

    Mr. McMarty Fapstronaut

    You need to take one problem at a time. 1st, start with the alcohol you just can't drink anymore. In my opinion. After you quit drinking. I know that you quit going to see the prostitutes. I do not think that you should tell everything to your wife. Once you feel better about yourself, you can begin to think about how to be a better husband and that's all that you can control.
     
  14. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    @Mr. McMarty
    Yes, I must get my own situation under control and continue to improve before anything else. The alcohol is definitely something that has assisted with my acting out on my compulsions. I no longer go to bars unless I am with my wife.
    Take care
     
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  15. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Dawned on me that sometimes I'm somewhat drunk for half of the next day, so I am currently experimenting with getting a buzz going (mild elation/desire to listen to music) then hitting lime and soda. The reality is that there is still quite a lot of booze slowly making its way through me anyway.
    I also eat a nice healthy meal as soon as the hunger pangs hit, which prevents any desire for more booze.
    Result so far: no stupid decisions, far less of a hangover, money saved. I drank last night but was still up at 7 this morning and meditating.
     
    William Wallace likes this.
  16. RAWMagic

    RAWMagic Fapstronaut

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    @William Wallace

    Nineteen Days is excellent work so far on no PMO and semen retention mate. That stored energy and discipline should give you the extra oomph for kicking the booze on the head. I quit drinking for about four years, and now I can have a drink and walk away.

    I used to sleep with many woman, and found it very difficult to be faithful. Now I am able to communicate, navigate and integrate such desires with my current partner, and it makes us far stronger and has taken our sexing to a far deep level.

    If you want to join the private WhatsApp Accountability Group I'm hosting, PM me and I will send you the link.

    Strength and courage!

    :emoji_muscle::emoji_japanese_ogre:
    :emoji_sun_with_face::emoji_heart:
     
    William Wallace likes this.
  17. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    Ended up drinking too much alcohol last night and I relapsed after 26 days of no PMO/acting out. I was really feeling good about myself while on my streak but today I feel like shit. I know I would not have relapsed if I had not been drinking. Stupid move on my part but I will start all over and move forward
     
  18. Lifelongaddict

    Lifelongaddict Fapstronaut

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    So the only reason you don’t have sex with your wife and instead cheat on her is because she’s overweight? I would say you need to also work on some base character flaws and that would help with your addiction.
     
  19. Mr. McMarty

    Mr. McMarty Fapstronaut

    You got to give up alcohol all together friend. I can drink, smoke or look at tempting TV
     
    William Wallace likes this.
  20. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    I would say they are two separate issues...my relationship with my wife and my addiction. My priority is to continue to battle and conquer this addiction before I work on any of my other flaws. If I was not addicted I would have stopped this shit long ago, regardless of the current status of my relationship. It took me a long time to come to terms that I was a SA, and this site has really helped. So I will continue to battle.
     

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