My boyfriend is on nofap, refuses to sex.

Me personally I think it's best to do the reboot, no PMO, no sex, etc., for at least a month or two before going back to sexual activities.

Like others have said, you should respect his decision.

 

He's probably feeling the negative side effects from sex with orgasm. Maybe you could research about the benefits of sex without orgasm and talk to him about that. If you can convince yourself to try this as well, you can have the best of both worlds. You can both be working on your lust and also be having intimacy at the same time, together. This will be a bonding experience.
If you do this, make sure you are careful not to make it too hard for him to not orgasm. Here is a really great podcast for you to listen too, as it pertains to your situation quite well.
http://www.neilsattin.com/blog/2015...lationship-and-how-to-fix-it-marnia-robinson/

 

It's easy to say to be understandable but how long do you think girlfriend will wait for him to sort the problems?

I just do not feel it is right towards her. Reduce sex to certain amounts a week but going fully without ... i do not know about that.

 

Yes, and (I've just started reading this thread so it may have been mentioned further down) I THINK there is also a section for PARTNERS of people doing NoFap. If you can't find it OP, please let me know and I will get you the link.

 

I think so too....what I mean is, PROBABLY (but, yeah ASK him why he's doing NoFap) one of the reasons he's doing NoFap is probably FOR YOU. To make your sex life with each other better than ever.

 

That's kinda like... your psychological problem. He explained to you why he doesn't want sex. You asked us and we explained it further. Why still take it personal?

Male orgasm is followed by a hangover. Because so many guys masturbate for the first time in their teens and do it daily from then on, they don't know the subtle hangover symptoms. But abstinent men do.

You can... master your own sex drive so you don't need it all the time. Or find another boyfriend. Or wait for him until he is ready for sex (I suppose he does want to have sex with you some day?)

 

According to yourbrainonporn, after sexual copulation, rats do not return to maximum studliness until about 2 weeks.

 

I believe that porn has lied to us and led people to believe they need sex every day.

 

Personally I think during the reboot then no sex if you want a proper reboot but unless I've misunderstood you said he's been doing it for 8 months then I can't understand why he is still abstaining from sex to be honest. I'm personally doing this so I can please my future gf but if the point of NoFap is to avoid sex when you find someone then it would be pointless really, it's mainly about getting over porn & excessive masturbation. Now sex too much every day can still be harmful but I don't see any problem in once every day or 2 then now and again just go on a full sex binge especially on days like valentines day.

 

I'm a partner of a rebooting addict and we do have sex. But from what I read you are having sex 3 times a week and you would like more. I totally understand that. Was that how frequent the sex was before the NoFap? I think the issue here is not the NoFap but differing sex drives. If he was NoFap and said no sex at all I would say okay support him for 30 60 or 90 days but not eight months! And either you decide to have sex as part of NoFap or you don't. Three days a week is an odd arbitrary cut off. Something does not seem right here and I'm sorry to say I think he's using NoFap as an excuse.

 

Hi Natalie. That's great that you've come on this site and are asking for help and advice for your relationship. Your SO is likely going to reboot faster if he abstains from O, but it's certainly possible to reboot while continuing to have sex with your partner. There are no strict "rules" for reboot, each person's situation is different and requires a slightly different approach. I will caution you very strongly not to confuse sexual intercourse with love. If you are seeking sex multiple times a day in order to feel lovable that may indicate an underlying issue of your own. Perhaps an issue with your own self-esteem? A person with healthy self-love does not seek validation from an outside source (such as sex with a partner) in order to feel loveable. Sex with a partner is a wonderful bonding agent that naturally enhances a healthy relationship, but it is not a substitute or medication for an aching internal void. Have you had any previous issues with co-dependency? Co-dependents often pair up with addicts in relationships and this is well documented in the Partner Support forum here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?forums/partner-support.32/
There are many types of cognitive behavior therapy that focus on Love Addiction (people driven by an unconscious motivation to be loved unconditionally and to find someone who will buoy their fragile sense of self-worth). Here's a link with some in-depth info on Love Addiction: https://www.recoveryranch.com/articles/addiction-treatment/breaking-the-pattern-of-love-addiction/

Please understand I'm not accusing you of anything short of being a wonderful person. I post these links to give you something to consider, if you have not thought about this already. It's possible I'm projecting something onto you that's simple not true.

I think it's important for both you and your SO to do your best to communicate openly and honestly about your needs. This will expose both of you to some possible uncomfortable feelings at first, but getting comfortable with being honest and completely open with each other and yourselves should be a top priority right now. As he progresses through reboot, your sex life together should reach a healthy balance. Understand that a little patience on your part now will be best for the both of you in the long run.

I wish you both the best for now and in the future. Good luck!

 

Natalie its good to have sex but there is another thing,love can be expressed with deep kisses and hugs......love can be shared by hanging out always try alternate ways to make your boyfriend comfortable and talk sweetly to have an intimacy let him do his nofap.Sex is scientifically healthy so you can request him to have sex with you not frequently but rarely.

 

Its a strong one then. Congrats to him.

 

I think it's great that you are so compassionate and understanding of your boyfriend, keep going, precious, make me proud!

 

Just want to say here.. because I had a girlfriend as well.. She left me. While dating her, I initially had some ED. It got better as I abstained from porn and was also prescribed 5mg of Tadafil for an extra 'boost'. However, sex was not as pleasurable as PMO was. But I still abstained. Well, mostly.. So, sometimes, sex would act as a trigger. Anyways, she broke up with me and then we got back together. But, in those six months alone, I had gone back to my old habits. I eventually got severe P-induced ED. We tried to have sex. Didn't work. Before, sex was awesome. We had great chemistry and similar tastes. I explained to her my situation. She did not understand. I was in a bad place. She walked out. I went into a downward spiral. Now, about a year and a half later, I am at my lowest of lows. Had she stayed, maybe things would have been different. I am not blaming her for anything. I tell you this only because I want you to understand that maybe you are the only thing standing in the way of his PMO. I suggest that you ask him to open up a little more and communicate why exactly he prefers to limit actual sex. Intimacy is great for PMO recovery. Even if its not full blown sex, maybe just messing around, making out etc is super helpful. Because I can tell you right now, that for lots of us out here, that feeling is gone. I have no desire to be intimate with anyone. That is sad.

I would urge you to think about this hard. If you decide to stay, remember, it will be way worse if you back out after you stay. But, that is just my experience. Remember, we are not bad people. We just need some help. A supportive girlfriend would be so amazing.

 

i think you guys should both help each other as much as possible. plz both of you control your sex drives and especially you i think you should control yourself and stabilise yourself. plzz. dont do this to him he is already going through a lot controlling himself

 

I had the same problem as you @Natalie257 and it hurts a lot to feel repeatedly rejected by someone you love. My heart goes out to you. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to develop new levels of control as well. Your bf is persevering through a reboot where he has to fight urges and find inner strength to not give in. While sex with someone you love isn't bad, desperately desiring it when the other person does not, is not going to go well for you. In my experience, it made me feel more clingy and desperate, which I hated. Maybe you could view yourself as going through a reboot too - where you will gain control of your sexual desires. The goal could be to detach from the need for sex, so that you enjoy it when it happens, but aren't overly hurt or let down when it doesn't happen. Also, trying to battle some of your desires will help you feel compassion and empathy with the similar internal battles your bf is going through.

Good luck on your journey

 

The OP hasn't signed in since she created the thread so I think most of us are commenting for one another's benefit. And I do think the OP's excuses are suspect. But I think an important issue is being ignored - can a person who is in a committed relationship decide unilaterally to change the frequency in which they have sex?

We can debate the pros and cons of rebooting with sex or doing Hard Mode, but I believe it is a decision that needs to be made as a couple. If the addict is single or the relationship is causal then the person can decide for himself. But if the person is married, engaged, or living together then I think a different set of rules applies. In a relationship every major decision needs to be discussed. Even when the decision is pretty obvious it is a matter of respect to check in and communicate. Sex is an important component of a relationship and many breakups have happened over mismatched sex drives or unmet sexual needs.

But when a person unilaterally decides something important without discussion then that can lead to feelings of anger and resentment from being disrespected. That is a relationship issue, not a rebooting issue. An addict needs to take primary responsibility for their recovery and it's good to come up with a plan. Just talk about it with your SO before instituting changes of this magnitude.

 

Sure they have the right to unilaterally change the frequency of sex everyone controls their own body but I think the point was that if the addict engaged his partner in the decision she would be more understanding and less resentful. The problem with making a unilateral decision when you are a couple is that you are not acting as a team you are acting as a single person. Let's say I unilaterally decided to spend 100k on a solo vacation and did not consult my partner or I decided to take a job moving across the country without discussing it. Can I do those things sure will my partner leave me most likely.