My boyfriend is addicted to porn

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you had to discover his addiction and find out he has been lying to you all along. This problem is becoming more and more prevalent and it's becoming harder and harder to find men who've never watched porn. In fact, it is very difficult for scientists to find people who have never watched porn for their studies. The porn is bad, but the lying and deceit that go with it is even worse. Secrets and lies destroy intimacy while dooms a relationship.

Many addicts who view porn promise to make changes, but quickly succumb to the next urge because they treat it like a bad habit instead of a full-blown addiction. This is not something that someone can fight alone. They need to see a therapist, a support group, or join an online program. It's a process that takes months or years to address.

Many people in LDR's think it's ok to use porn as a substitute for intimacy. They think their problem is because of having a high libido without a way to satisfy it. But that is a myth. Addicts have emotional problems that they medicate with porn. Sure, boy start off looking at porn because it is exciting and arousing, but underneath the surface the brain learns to use PMO as a coping mechanism for emotional problems. It is very difficult to tell the difference.

Do not believe the promises of an addict. Trust only concrete, visible steps that he is taking to get better. Anyone who tries to take short cuts will fail. It is not easy and requires a lot of honesty, both with themselves and with others. In the meantime take steps to protect yourself. Addiction never goes away on it's own... it only escalates and gets worse over time. Addicts get better at covering their trail so learn what all the side-effects are and be on the look-out for suspicious behavior. Don't be afraid to cut your losses and end the relationship if necessary. A relationship based on lies is doomed to fail. I hope you find the information, advice, and support you need to navigate your way through this difficult time.

 

My 2 cents:
DO help him. He needs you right now. He is still the person you fell in love with. He has just this one really dark secret.
DO install filtering or accountability software on ALL of this devices. From personal experience I like covenant eyes best. It sends you weekly reports on your SOs browsing habits.
DO be patient with him. He will relapse. Often.

DON´T tolerate everything. Set strong boundaries of what you expect from him, and show him the concequences of not keeping up to them.
DON´T be judgemental. It just makes him feel worse and pushes him further into the addiction. Have an open conversation about the problem.

What he needs to do:
Read up on the facts.
Commit to change!

Some resources:
yourbrainonporn.com, fortifyprogram.org

I hope I don´t write this in vain, because you want to break up with him.

 

One quick truth. All guys in their lives at some point have watched porn. It might have only been once or twice but trust me it's 99.999999 percent of all guys.

 

Never is a myth

 

This is the best advise you're going to get.

 

Hey, that is exactly what happened to me. We were together for a year, and at the year mark I found everything. I had found small things along the way, but at our one year anniversary I found everything and I was devastated. @Jak3 is my fiance, and if you see his post in success stories it explains everything that happened, and I commented with tons of links that help addicts as well as partners that I along with other partners collected over the year. I hope things get better! If you ever want to personal message me, feel free.

 

Pretty much every guy I know watches it now and then no matter their status. I'm certainly not condoning it replacing a wife or girlfiend that is flat wrong. Just a word of advice. We all have crooked halos. The worst offenders are usuallly the guys who profess to be the "holiest" or "most pure". By the now and then I mean a few times a year (2-3 not 15-16). Don't be nieve.

 

K9 is free. Pretty good with many options to set and one of the best features is a self moderation button. This means you can add sites to the blocklist without knowing the password.
I don´t use it anymore because personally I think it has too many false alarms and sometimes the internet connection just drops and you have to reset the computer (anyone else having this problem?)
I use Covenant Eyes at the moment. Pretty expensive, around 11-12$ a month but for me it´s worth it. The advantage is that it´s not just a filter (which is pretty good), but also an accountability software. Means you can see everything he´s doing on the internet. For me personally this helps, because everything I see, my GF will see too and this is far too shameful for me.
The problem with the other filters I used was that I always found a way around it. With no consequences.

Trust me, that won´t help much. Prior to relapse, you don´t think about such things. You are in a completely different headspace.
What would help, maybe if he called you, just to talk to you. But then again you´re not available for calling 24/7. If the urge strikes at 2pm in the night, that´s gonna be difficult.

We lie, because we feel ashamed for ourselves. We lie, because we think we can protect you from us. But all that does is adding more shame, which leads to more porn. That´s why it´s called the shame cycle.

 

I have found out that my fiance is porn addicted..I gave it a time to be sure that there is a big problem. Unfortunately he still does not realize that he has this problem and I think he is afraid of it. One time he was about to cry and started to repeat to himself that he is ok ,he is normal and etc.. I was crying too but think of leaving him though we are engaged. He told me that he is agreed to go to professional but until now didn't do it. His behavior and attitude to me is regularly bad and offensive and sometimes I think he doesn't love me even he says so. I am losing my feelings ( I am not excited now to have sex with him as usually he cannot enjoy) and feel like I am in a trap with him. The obstacle is that he has changed to job and he will be away 5 days a week, and we can meet only during weekend. I am afraid that he won't be able to stop with porno in such situation. Please send me the links..

 

@Stacey 82 look at the signature line in @AnonymousAnnaXOXO ’s posting above.

There you will find some helpful links. They can help you pull yourself up to a better, safer place to get perspective. Information and videos are here and so helpful.