My boyfriend came clean

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Findinghislight, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. Findinghislight

    Findinghislight New Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone,
    My boyfriend of 5 months just broke down last night and told me he’s addicted to porn. We’re both in our late 30’s so we’re not kids here, I’m divorced with a pre-teen, so my plate is already pretty full.
    I knew there’s was a disconnect physically but just didn’t know how serious until last night. He says it stems from when his dad passed and it’s been a way to relieve stress(emotional outlet) ever since. He was so brave with sharing and he expressed the want for change. That he was ready to find a deep meaningful relationship again. He’s ready to put in the work.
    Naturally, not knowing anything about the severity of this particular addiction, although my ex husband was an alcoholic and I assumed this was just as intense, I did not expect to feel as hopeless as I do now after researching.
    Everything I’ve read has told me basically if we’re not married, run. The amount of betrayal, low self esteem, trust issues, etc. is all to much for a beginning relationship. *sigh
    But with everything I’ve read it was always “finding out”. He offered this up, of his own accord, and for that I can’t help but be hopeful. I’m head over heels in love this man. We fell fast and we fell hard. But now.....
    I just don’t know how to decide if the journey to heal him at my expense is worth it?
    Any advice from women who’ve been in similar situations would be greatly appreciated.
    I want him to find his way back to a loving intimate relationship.
    NF4L, Nugget9 and Trappist like this.
  2. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry you need to be here but there is a lot of good support for both you and your BF if you want it. You are lucky that he came out and told you about his PA. For many of us that was a struggle that sometimes lasted for years(or decades). I was one that found out about my BF's PMO, and found out and found out. I think you have a leg up on many of us and I hope it works out in your favor. He admits to the PA and wants to change it, that is a huge step in the right direction. If you are willing to help him through this then do it, don't feel hopeless. I know for me the hopelessness comes from the constant lying, gaslighting and repeated DDays. A lot of damage has been done and it is going to take a long time and a lot of consistent work to fix it.

    If you want to stick it out with him then I would firstly set up your boundaries and consequences. I'd also look into getting accountability software on all devices. Many people see a therapist and some join SA groups and/or online communities like this one. There are a lot of good books out there on PA too. My BF read through at least a dozen of them starting with your brain on porn. They have a website too with a lot of good info on how PA affects the brain, it is

    If you do decide that you can't stay in the relationship that is ok too. It is a long, hard and painful struggle. I nearly left my BF of 16 years because of it, I just couldn't take it anymore. Of course that is when he got serious about it and has been PMO free for just over a year now. But even though he hasn't had any relapses it is still hard. I suffer from betrayal trauma which is a form of PTSD. I'm hoping you don't too, it is a horrible way to live.

    Most of the time I think 'run' when someone new joins and tells their story. Of course I don't know your whole story but I think you are already a step or two ahead and see hope for your relationship, depending on how he handles his PA from here on out. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do, and there are always people here who you can talk with.
    NF4L, Nugget9 and Findinghislight like this.
  3. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    In a nutshell? You're actually in a better place than you think. You're walking through a world of disclosure. Not discovery. Huge difference. He isn't hiding it. He isn't lying about it (as far as we know). This is monumentally huge. Also, I wouldn't make any major life decisions with this man for at minimum a year. It's one thing to say "I want to change" and quite another having the ability to change. So, keep that in mind. Understand that you're looking at 3 years for full remission (not recovery; remission). This, like all addictions, is a lifetime commitment. In your situation here, I don't agree with the "run" advice. What does it tell him that when "I've been vulnerable, I've opened up my heart to you, I've disclosed to you my deepest darkest embarrassing, guilt ridden, shameful secret" and your answer and response to that is to sever the relationship? Why the hell would I ever want to be open and honest and disclose that to anyone in the future? Don't look at that is trying to make you feel guilty regardless of your decision. I'm just telling you that he took the sword for you, and had he not wanted real long term intimacy with you, I assure you, you wouldn't know a thing about it, you'd wondered what in the world is going on in your sex life, and you'd be incredibly unhappy in the relationship. Until you did discover it. Every woman here will tell you. Disclosure trumps Discovery every time. It is light years ahead of it. If you wish to proceed forward, just reach out to me, and I'll help you navagate it so that you can do so securely and safely. There is a method to the madness.
    K423, NF4L, Nugget9 and 1 other person like this.

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