My Boundaries thoughts and feedback please

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by gymismylife, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    50
    50
    18
    Here are the boundaries I've decided on for my SO. Any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm also struggling with consequences

    1. No porn or porn substitutes
    2. No objectifying women ie no looking up pictures of naked women, or women on social media for the purpose of sexual fantasy
    3. If a friend' intentionally or Not, does something to hurt one of us, or come between us, they are no longer welcome in either of our lives in any capacity, including social media. This one doesn't really have anything to do with his porn addiction, but a female friend of his kissed him on the mouth at a party right in front of me once (he didn't reciprocate), and i had to fight with him for weeks to block her on facebook. They still follow eachother on instagram which he never uses so i forgive him for not blocking her there, but he needs to get that done.
    4 no hanging around with a certain single friend, who likes to hang around with young women when that young female friend is aound, unless I'm there as well if she shows up, you leave. The first time he hung out with this friend and his female friend, his phone "died" and he didn't come home until 3am. The next time we went to the bar she works at, as a group, and she singled out my SO and flirted with him like they had a thing. Now every time I see her, she gives me dirty looks. He says nothing happened. I believe him, but it doesn't look good.
    5. If you relapse, notify me within 24 hours 6. We will allow each other access to the others electronics devices. Privacy is a privilege. I am voluntarily waiving my right to privacy in the name of fairness and transparency.
     
  2. Yes this one is so important but I don't think is often discussed. Obviously friendships are important but frienships that are toxic to the relationship/marriage need to go. It sucks when there is a toxic person and your partner refuses to get rid of them or tries to bring them around... My husband lost a lot of friends when he came out on FB, and some of his friends blamed me, said my anorexia was manipulative and he had a right to watch porn, etc. Clearly porn is more important than my health and life.... like.... that makes total sense, right? Needless to say that friend of my husbands I have asked to not be apart of our life, but it's been a challenge to actually have that boundary implemented.

    So good for you for realizing that toxic people need to go!
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  3. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    50
    50
    18
    That's terrible that someone would say that to.your husband about you. It was exhausting getting him to remove his friend. He kept saying that he had a right to be friends with whoever he wants. I eventually had to tell him that he's right. He has a right to be friends with whoever he wants, but I have a right to not be in a relationship with someone who is friends with people like that.

    Your anorexia and any other mental distress you were caused as a result of his habits, are NOT your fault. You deserve better for yourself and he deserves better than to associate with people who would be so disrespectful to the woman he loves.
     
    Nugget9 and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  4. @gymismylife Thanks. I have had anorexia for many years, and when I met my husband I told him about my sexual traumas with the PTSD and my anorexia and how porn can't be in the relationship because of the anorexia (porn is a HUGE trigger for me to relapse when in a relationship). I asked for no porn for my health. I wasn't being manipulative, simply asking for my needs to be met. It was my husbands choice as to whether he wanted to be with me ( and he did). His friends are just very immature. I am 25, we were 21 when we met and 21-22 when it all came out and his friends and family attacked me.
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  5. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    50
    50
    18
    That's gotta be tough. Is your husband respecting your wishes?
     
  6. Well... I guess for the most of the duration, not exactly. He keeps trying to find ways to keep that friend around, though for the past two to three weeks I think he hasn't mentioned anything about that friend and talked about making a new friend at work that has similar interests to the old friend, which makes it easier for my husband to let the old friend go... so it's a work in progress
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  7. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    50
    50
    18
    I hope the best for you and a good piece of advice I once received is that you have a right to dictate your boundaries.
     
    Jon_Stark and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,837
    3,596
    143
    I was actually going to suggest rewording it that way: "Identify and remove those individuals toxic to our relationship from our lives. Period. End of story. I don't care where they go. They just need to go. If they have such little respect for our relationship, then they don't warrant an opportunity to be any part of it.

    For you @gymismylife, did you utilize the tools I provided for you to come up with this list?
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  9. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    50
    50
    18
    I did read your boundaries and consequences suggestions and they're all great. I guess my problem is that I am second guessing if I have the "right" to establish these boundaries and create consequences. I think a good consequence for most of these is for.hom to sleep in the guest room for.2 nights every time.he violates a boundary. He hates sleeping alone. Another consequence would be that I.will not speak to him for 24 hours. What are your thoughts.
     
  10. Jon_Stark

    Jon_Stark Fapstronaut

    223
    1,425
    123
    Well, if they intentionally hurt you they haven't been your friend to begin with.
    I just wonder how you quantify if you have been hurt by a friend unintentionally.
    Would you stop being friends with someone because they told you 'that dress doesn't look good on you'?
     
  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,837
    3,596
    143
    DON'T YOU DARE! Go back and read it again. I specifically stated that these are "for your own protection". You have EVERY RIGHT to establish these boundaries and create consequences for violating them. Ask yourself this question. "If this was my child, would I tolerate or put up with my child doing or acting this way toward me? (not the sexual stuff, but you get the idea). If the answer is NO, then it's NO for him or anyone else for that matter. Would you put up with it from me? Again, the answer is NO. Don't put up with it from him either. Also remember that Consequences should always be “Harder for him to accomplish than they are for you to Endure”. Of course, if those consequences work for you, then fine. If not, adjust them until they do. Remember, do not change a Consequence while he is in the middle of one. Only afterwards, you can change them. This is important. I don't know how well the "no talking" idea would work. After all, you do want communication, so I don't know that that is a good one to have. But again, it's up to you what works best for you.
     
  12. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    50
    50
    18
    He had a female friend who kissed him on the mouth right in front of me at a party and I.had to fight with him to get him to block her on social media. He has another friend who hangs out with a young woman who constantly gives me dirty looks, has flirted with him in front of Me, and who is trying to set him up with another one of her friends. Yet he feels like it's ok to hang out with his friend when this young woman is around.
     
  13. Jon_Stark

    Jon_Stark Fapstronaut

    223
    1,425
    123
    Hm, kinda difficult situation you are in.
    Of course you are perfectly right in wanting him to break it off with people who disrespect you.
    It's kinda hard to look at the whole picture from a forum post, but I don't really understand why your boyfriend is so uncooperative. Surely, you can't forbid him being friends with everyone but if there is a good reason like that kissing or flirting stuff, then there should be not even room for discussion and he should break it off.

    Well, I still don't really get how you meant part 3 exactly. The intentionally or not hurt part. Depending on how easily you get offended that means you could possibly loose a lot of friends.

    And yes, dictating your boundaries is very important. The problem is that you are bit late, so it will be harder.
    In my relationships I lay out my boundaries from the beginning and make clear what I accept and expect (no name calling for example. no arguing/ criticising publicly) It's easier to make an SO accept and respect boundaries if you have them right from the start. If you already have an established relationship it will take a bit more effort on your part and there will probably be resistance to change on your SO's part, but of course it's still doable. Just expect him to not just nod his head at first, so stay firm.

    About point 5:
    5. If you relapse, notify me within 24 hours.
    I think it would be ok to shorten that duration.

    6. We will allow each other access to the others electronics devices. Privacy is a privilege. I am voluntarily waiving my right to privacy in the name of fairness and transparency.

    Understandable, but I would take care to not have this going on forever as I believe it would take a relationship south over time.


    I think it's great that you set your boundaries, however make sure to really follow through with them and let them have consequences if they are not followed or else he would take you for pushover.
    Also explain to him, why you want to set those rules and what motivated you to set them, this will make it easier for him to accept them.
    All in all I would say you boundaries are totally ok.
     
  14. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,837
    3,596
    143
    I concur. He should, but he has to decide this for himself.
    Yes, she is a bit late. We're all a bit late on this one quite frankly because the Boundaries we are writing should never have had to have been written in the first place. They should all along have been unspoken unwritten Boundaries that should never have been questionable to a sane rational human being. That's the reason we have to spell these Boundaries out because we never really had any that we abide by. You're right, because there is water over the bridge or under the dam (yeah, I know, that was deliberately written that way because it makes about as much sense as not upholding any unspoken unwritten Boundaries) "...it will take a bit more effort on your part and there will probably be resistance to change..." But like you said, it is doable and you have to "...stay firm..."
    Don't change this number. I didn't just make this number up or pull it out of my ass. This is the generally accepted practice and advice given at every reputable sexual addiction treatment facility in the world. Keep it at 24 hours. It's why that is the specific number quoted.
    What is your rationale here? How so?
    Concur.
     
    gymismylife likes this.
  15. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    50
    50
    18
    Ok. My initial gut instinct is that my boundaries are fair. As for consequences I guess I could do.things like you have to give me an unreciprocated back rub for 45 minutes, or do my laundry. Things that benefit me.
     
    Jon_Stark likes this.
  16. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    50
    50
    18
    I used the wording intentionally or not so that he can't come back on me and say "well he/she didn't mean it" or "that's just how this person is" That was the rationale he used with the friend who kissed him. She didn't mean it. She was drunk.

    For.the electronic devices, I don't think these things should ever be off limits. I would always respect his privacy in the sense that I'm not going to read his messages wirh his friends unless I have a good reason to suspect something malicious is going on like drug addictions or cheating etc.

    For the rest of yoir feedback, awesome. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It was helpful :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
    Jon_Stark likes this.
  17. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,837
    3,596
    143
    To your benefit at his expense. That's the ticket. I always like to tie consequences suitable to the behavior such that they are as natural a consequence as you can come up with. But you've got the idea.
     
    gymismylife likes this.
  18. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    50
    50
    18
    Ok. I think I've decided on my consequences

    When he relapses and watches porn, or masturbates to pictures of other women, he has to sleep in the guest room. His phone will be in our room with me so he can't further relapse. I won't want to be around him. 1 night in the gueat room if im notified within 24 hours. 1 week in the guest room if he's caught.

    If he refuses to block toxic friends. Then he will get no intimacy or touching at all from me until he does.

    If he hangs around with his single friend when that young girl is around and doesn't invite Me, or rwmove himself from the situation, then I guess this friend is now a toxic friend and he does not need to have this person in our lives anymore as long as he's hanging out with young.women.
     
  19. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,837
    3,596
    143
    You want to rethink this? This is, in effect, punishing him for following YOUR Boundary. It says "If I have any form or relapse, and I notify you within 24 hours, I'm going to get punished anyway?" I can assure you, he WILL see this as a punishment and not as a consequence. I would, and therefore would be apprehensive to tell you within 24 hours. You want this to be an incentive, not a punishment. The consequence should be if he does NOT tell you within 24 hours. BTW, I can also assure you with a very high degree of certainty, he WILL relapse. I don't know anyone who is honest with themselves and honest with those around them that hasn't.
    I think these are fair enough. If it works for you, then it works. Remember, these things? They are not set in stone. They are fluid, only you are the one who controls the fluid. That means you can change the Boundaries & Consequences at will. Just don't do it while he is living a consequence. I can guarantee you that these WILL change as you move through recovery.
    Concur.
     
  20. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    50
    50
    18
    Ok. So in the name of positive reinforcement, no consequences if he notifies me within 24 hours. Instead I will thank him for telling me and we will talk about how he is going to avoid triggers going forward and what his plan is to protect himself from future relapses.
     
    Jennica and Jon_Stark like this.

Share This Page