”I'm an inherently unpleasant person and a burden.” ”Everyone I love secretly hates me and don't want me in their lives.” ”I deserve my unhappiness because ultimately, I'm to blame for everything.” ”I'm ugly and a worthless human being” These are the beliefs that I have carried with me for the larger part of our ten-year relationship. But no one has known until now and I've never told anyone the ugly truth about what happens behind the closed doors. I've been walking around with a mask on so that everyone would think that I'm strong and that I have my life together. ...so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain. I surrender. I have to. I haven't been around nofap for some months. The place annoyed me because I wasn't ready to accept this brokenness and confusion. But I am where I am and there's no way around it. I'm ashamed to admit that I can't manage right now. Ashamed, because I should be studying. I should be taking care of my friendships. I should be eating healthy and exercising like a normal person. And since I'm not managing I should try to get better so I could manage. I'm ashamed that I can't manage even that. But there's a big difference between saying ”I might have suffered because of my husband's PA but other people have had it so much worse than me” and ”As an attempt to protect his addiction my husband has emotionally manipulated me for years to a point where I'm convinced that I'm a disgrace to my loved ones. I'm experiencing crippling anxiety and sorrow daily and I'm having difficulties coping with my everyday life.” This is me trying to expose the full truth of my situation to myself. and the next step is to try to feel the feelings that follow. This seems like a good place to start a new chapter. No more over-rationalizing my emotions. No more taking on fault and responsibility that's not mine to own. No more shutting myself down.