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My Biggest Trigger: Being By Myself

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by striving for the best, Jun 20, 2017.

  1. striving for the best

    striving for the best Fapstronaut

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    The biggest trigger I have is being by myself. Typically when I was alone I watching P at the very least, mostly PMO. It still proves to be my biggest hurdle. I have been traveling on business and stuck in my hotel at night when I'm not working. The trip before last (gone for 5 days) went fairly well. I still thought about it and struggled, but I did not PMO.

    the last time I went out on business, I was watching TV and like a dumbass looked at what was on demand. then I landed on a page that had an adult section. I struggled with it, knew it was wrong but still looked at it. I MO'ed to the title pictures, felt like complete shit after I finished. Then the next night I struggled again because I knew it was there. I couldn't take my mind off it, I did push ups, took a cold shower, I even called my wife.

    I called my wife to tell her that I was struggling and wanted to see if she would face time me to take care of ourselves. In my mind it seemed healthier than PMO, but she thought it was too much of a trigger. I know she is right, I ended up winning that night and just going to sleep with blue balls.

    The thing that pissed me off is that I know the shits wrong, I know its flirting with disaster , but I just could not shake it. I WAS doing good, thought I had a good plan, things with my wife were going great.

    From this I have learned I cannot let my guard down for a second. Zero addict compromise, I cannot itch that mother f*ckers scratch anymore no matter how it will rationalize in my mind.

    Just makes me feel so F*cking WEAK....

    I need to have a plan in place, I don't know what else to do.... frustrated with myself.....
     
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Being alone is incredibly triggering. Urges plus opportunity equals a very difficult situation. It's good that you have high standards and want to do better the next time you are alone. However, be balanced with how you treat a setback. No reboot is perfect. Don't beat yourself up. Just be resolved to do better.

    Being prepared is the best way to avoid a relapse while alone. Try to be in the hotel room as little as possible. Go to the pool (if it has one). Go to the gym (if it has one). Hang out in the lobby. Go out to eat. Go shopping. Avoid using your device of choice when accessing porn. If you need to go on the computer consider using the guest office (if it has one). Buy an old fashioned paper book.

    Keep in mind that a relapse starts with one single, small compromise. Be resolved to not make that first compromise and you should have success.
     
  3. striving for the best

    striving for the best Fapstronaut

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    That's a good point, I will do a better job of limiting the time in my room and definitely working out harder.

    I let me self down, got depressed about it then I got mad because I had put in so much work. I threw it away for a brief moment of comfort. that makes me feel incredibly vulnerable and weak that I was not able to control what controls me.

    It reminds me I'm addicted. It reminds me that I still have a lot of work to do.

    your absolutely right, you only need to provide a small opportunity for the addiction to manifest. the sooner I recognize that, the better I can recognize and avoid triggers/relapses.

    I appreciate your input Iwannabebetter, you seem like a very level headed, tactful person.
     
  4. Brandon292

    Brandon292 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, reading your message felt like it was me writing it. I'm dealing with the exact same problem. When I'm alone suddenly the urge to PMO or just MO is crazy strong. It's like something takes over my brain and although I know I'm not supposed to do it, it's like swimming against a tidal wave - I just can't fight it because at some point it's too late.

    I really appreciate the fact that your wife knows about your addiction and that she's supporting you. I'm hiding my problem from my wife because I broke her trust too many times in the past to bring up the GIANT thing I've been hiding from her for so many years.

    I'm still thinking of what I should do when I'm alone. I don't work out (at the moment) and I have an online business so being on my computer is something I do a lot and that also makes it harder to fight the urges.

    I would love to read, write, meditate or talk to a friend but I just can't help myself sometimes. Even if it's just a 10 minute PMO session I feel so bad about myself afterwards that I feel like I don't deserve to do something goof for myself.

    I really wish you a lot of success and happy to chat here or on PM if you'd like to share more. I feel like we a lot in common.

    Best,
    B
     
  5. striving for the best

    striving for the best Fapstronaut

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    That is exactly how I felt! Like no matter what conversation I had in my head, it didn't matter my addiction knew that it was going to happen. No matter how I tried to divert my attention to other things, it layed low and waited patiently. In retrospect I feel like I had a choice, but at the time I felt like I didn't.

    Since your wife does not know I would suggest at the very least, you tell someone you trust. An accountability partner of sorts. I had my wife put web filters on our computers and my phone that report to her what I am looking at. That helps take away the temptation, that does not eliminate all temptation but for me it was a majority.

    I really hope that at some point you can have that conversation with your wife. I think there is a tremendous amount of self healing in a clean conscience. It was extremely hard for me to admit to my wife my problems, but I'm glad I did.
     
    WifeInTheDark and Brandon292 like this.
  6. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    One component of addiction is compulsion to engage in behavior we know to be harmful. We have literally rewired our brains to crave this stuff all time and to turn to PMO when we are triggered. In the beginning minor attempts to not relapse don't work. When we are in the grips of the worst urges we need to literally run away from the situation. When I was rebooting and a strong urge would start growing I would immediately shut off my computer and take the dog for a walk. I had to put myself in a situation that where I couldn't relapse. I had to take MAJOR action to avoid a relapse. After a few weeks and after I got through my detox phase the urges weren't as strong and I didn't have to take such drastic actions anymore. Think of ways you can remove yourself from a situation before it gets too intense and you will have better success.
     

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