My bed feels symbolically dirty and I can't get over it

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by saywhaat, Aug 15, 2019.

  1. saywhaat

    saywhaat Fapstronaut

    Okay, so, I feel like I need somebody's clear voice on this to tell me things are fine, please, "lol".
    Some few days ago I flicked the bean to some really disgusting and unhumane thoughts and after I climaxed, I was immadiately revolted and started crying when I realized what I had done. The problem is, I feel like my bed on the whole has been stained by impurities. I feel like all my sheets and my mattress are dirty, just because I happened to be lying in bed whilst getting off to some nasty shit. And I can't seem to get over it. Obviously I am not going to throw out my mattress and sheets (even if I wanted to, thanks to the anxiety), so I would just like someone's help convincing me everything's ok.

    I know it sounds ridiculous, but my mind just can't get around it. I hope nobody else creates a problem out of this for themselves :/
  2. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    I know your feeling, i feel not good in my bed too. I change the sheets, clean the room. Let fresh air in and finish it with febreeze, then i feel clean.
  3. saywhaat

    saywhaat Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I just try to think I can't change the past and it's not the end of the world, but it just keeps reminding me of itself and makes me feel like the worst person on planet.
  4. White Sheep

    White Sheep Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    I have never experienced that before. Everything will be okay. You have to think that the nasty stuff (PMO) is what is bad, but not the place. I have felt like that, but with my own body. I felt dirty. But learned to forgive my own mistakes, and move on. Know that the bed is not what is dirty, think that you did things there that you regret about, but you want to change that and now it will be different.
    ;) Wish you the best
    Coffee Candy and saywhaat like this.
  5. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

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  6. saywhaat

    saywhaat Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I will try to think this way. Thank you!

    Indeed, I got it diagnosed about 5 years ago, it sure does make everything worse and makes you overthink :x
    White Sheep, PeterJL and Coffee Candy like this.
  7. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I can really resonate with you. I feel like changing my clothes after I put them on after doing the deed, taking a shower, and always feel bad that I have to sleep in my dirty , beyond just the germs, sheets. But we can use this to our advantage you see, before we do the deed, think about how it's not even laundry day yet..or the effort it will take to remake the bed especially if we relapse again on the newly changed sheets! Ahh. @[email protected]

    We're not dirty though as long as we never give up I guess..and the feeling passes when we stop and make everything clean..but even when we dont stop or arent clean..we're just fallible..we make mistakes..and its ok. Its gonna be ok.
    +TenPercent, saywhaat and White Sheep like this.
  8. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

    Your mind needs cleaning not your bed. It didn’t do anything bad. LOL
    Feel better? Especially since most of us here are trying to clean our minds. You’re in good company.
    Headspace, Roady, +TenPercent and 3 others like this.
  9. CatRock96

    CatRock96 Fapstronaut

    I also have that problem with my clothes, it brings me very bad memories but I still use it.
  10. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    You are symbolically overreacting. You made a mess get over it. I've also done it had some moment of concern and then thought- so what it's mine. Unless you shit the bed I don't see it as a problem.
    White Sheep and saywhaat like this.
  11. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing this - it really helps me to feel less alone with similar feelings that I have and to read the supportive responses of others.

    I feel ashamed sometimes for what I wear to bed, what I think in bed, what I dream about and whatever else happens when I'm half asleep. But reading this post helps me to remind myself to focus on what we are doing right. If we keep trying, and keep getting up when we fall, we get better. And eventually the shame becomes less powerful. The shame (just like some of my worst fantasies) might never go away completely, but it really does get better.

    As you said in the original post, it's symbolic. It's not about the actual cleanliness of the sheets, it's about shame. You masturbated to thoughts that you are ashamed of. We all have. Let it go. You are doing great. You're on NoFap now, trying to get better, and you will if you just keep trying.
  12. saywhaat

    saywhaat Fapstronaut

    I thank you all so much who have replied so far. It's truly terrible how much the mind will start playing tricks with you and try to put you down - it's easier to fall into self loathing than trying to convince yourself that you're worthy of love especially if you've succeeded in going forward...
    Sending support to those that are suffering of the same thing (and overall), it's really annoying to think the shame spreads like a disease to everything you've touched and doesn't leave unless you get rid of the said item . _. But I try to think that afterall it's all just in the head and the items are just poor victims of mental hate lol
  13. seekingabetterlife

    seekingabetterlife Fapstronaut

    So... I stumbled on here somehow and wanted to chime in.

    Just paused the final episode of True Detective to write this up so this thread did feel important :D

    Reading about how your mind can't stop thinking about how dirty it was what you did in bed, and specifically about how your bed is this forever "sullied", it reminds me of my OCD I have with my addiction. And let me tell you something..... it's a bad case of OCD.

    Every time I'm in the act of viewing porn and masturbating, I have to say things in my head as I climax. These words have to be a certain order. Then, there are other rules I have to follow: look in the mirror saying a phrase without saying a word in my head, have to make sure that the time is not on anything too "symbolic" like 4:00 or 3:33, must not have anything with sentimental value on my computer desk while in the act, must not remember the words spoken by the people in the video I climaxed too etc... It's all very maddening. My mind "WILL NOT" cease to stop thinking about the incident unless I pass all the rituals. One other part of the ritual process is cleaning down my keyboard, mouse, desk, desk chair, and other objects I touched during the act. This last part of the ritual is similar to what you're thinking. Just like you view your bed and sheets as defiled, I view my desk, chair, and mouse as tainted. If I do not wash them down with soap (I literally lost about 4 keyboards to this), these objects are considered tainted and if someone uses my computer in the future.... I'm cursed to think about my act and must PMO again to undo the last attempt.

    Now, talking technicalities of the acts out of the picture, there's something else very similar to our situations. The mind acts very strangely when being an "OBSESSIVE" and "COMPULSIVE" and "DISORDERED" (OCD)... It will not allow you to stop thinking about the thing you do not want to focus on. The fear is in the "not being able to stop". There's something scary about it "never" going away. You think that you'll obsess about it forever. For you, it might be thinking about it constantly when you are at home. Or, perhaps only when in your room. For me, my OCD comes in many different intrusive thoughts. I mean... even when I slay the rituals and move forward, my mind still says words and phrases that I do not want uttered in my head.... practically daily. Some days are better than others but most days the words and/or thoughts are there. Many of the thoughts have to do with my ex girlfriend and things that happened with her.

    Maybe I REALLY was meant to look at this thread. I just looked up some stuff on this and ties OCD to PTSD. I think that's what happened to me here.... some negative things happened with my ex that kinda triggered this whole thing in my life. I often go back to memories of these things. They're pretty hurtful. But, when I stop to think about it all..... really stop and think why my brain is doing what it does.... I know it's just being a brain. It's just going through a difficult disorder that can be treated. So, I don't freak out.

    You need to do the same. Try not to get into a mental spiral where you're obsessing over how "you can't stop" and "I can't believe I did that nasty thing" or whatever. Understand that you are not alone.... It's a "HUMAN" thing that happens to many others. It's just your brain tripping up over the situation but it does not have to become this defining thing in your life.

    Here's the great article I came across in case you want to look it over:

    Gonna head back to my final episode of True Detective now :) Just always keep in your mind that it's just your mind overthinking something.... and it's no uncommon for many people to do this.
    saywhaat, Breadman and Ges852 like this.
  14. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut


    Wow, though! If I had to go through all that to watch porn I don’t think I’d ever do it again. It sounds exhausting.
  15. seekingabetterlife

    seekingabetterlife Fapstronaut

    I know... In some way I'm thankful for it because it helps keep me from acting out.

    I do consider the hell I have to put myself through at times before a relapse. Most of the time it doesn't help enough... hence why I'm 20 days sober. But, I'll take all the help I can get and can remember a few occasions where it did prevent me from acting out.

    And yes... IT'S VERY VERY EXHAUSTING AND FRUSTRATING when trying to satisfy the ritual. The fact that I still relapse anyway shows just how strong the addiction really can be.

    I once brought this stuff up to a therapist but I did not go into the details. I didn't feel comfortable yet with the therapist to reveal all this.

    Well, on a positive note, I'll be 21 days free from my addition tomorrow afternoon. Very grateful for that.
  16. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

    Good on you. Wishing you well in your recovery. And God bless you on this journey.
  17. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    I know the feeling. Our bed is a very intimate place.
    As a Christian I believe in a loving and righteous God. When I committed porn, I sin against a holy God. That's the reason I don't feel so well after doing it.
    My believe that Christ has brought away all my sins on the cross, makes it possible to get free from my sins, and receive pureness.

    I've done it more than once that I clean my bed and my house with the blood of Jesus. That blood symbolizes the purity and holiness I believe in. In reality I clean my bed and house from the impure spirits that always comes with committing pornography or masturbating. That's what helps me.
    White Sheep and saywhaat like this.
  18. im’possible

    im’possible Fapstronaut

    I washed everything after each time done; pillow, sheets, not mattress though. But I forgot to wash my mind. So it continued until I can barely stand up and walk.

    Everything will be okay. Just wash out the thoughts too. And consistently.
    Coffee Candy, saywhaat, Roady and 2 others like this.
  19. Big Lebowski

    Big Lebowski Fapstronaut

    I know what you mean I think it's about time to buy a whole new bed for me
  20. primaljade

    primaljade Fapstronaut

    Dude, it's a bed, not a magic purity device.

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