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Mermaid’s Joural 2

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by BetrayedMermaid, May 28, 2018.

  1. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    HEALING

    I just finished reading Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Kevin Skinner LMFT, CSAT-S
    It’s pretty good.

    I’m going to try this bloom for women. I learn really well from online courses And I am in a point of my healing where I don’t even like to go out of the house except to connect with nature so this works very well For me right now.

    If any other SO’s are interested:

    www.bloomforwomen.com (Online programs and expert help for healing from crisis and trauma.)

    It’s 10$/month to work through your trauma... I will try it and then let you guys know how it is.

    Here are some other websites that i’m planning on exploring that probably other SO’s have already discovered but I’m putting them here in my journal so that I can refer to them:

    www.discoverandchange.com (Online assessments and support for individuals and couples looking to heal)

    www.addorecovery.com (Outpatient clinics for treating sexual compulsivity and sexual betrayal)

    www.rootwellness.co (Yoga and Mindfulness classes)

    www.sexhelp.com (Find a certified sexual addiction therapist)

    www.self-compassion.org (Self-Compasion)

    www.brenebrown.com (Vulnerability)

    www.tarabrach.com (Powerful meditation)

    February 5 was my DDay. I have been dealing with emotional first aid since then. Trying to keep my head above water: keeping from making mistakes at work, forcing myself to eat, forcing myself to get out of bed, trying to get counseling, trying to keep my kids stable, trying to manage my anger attacks, trying to manage my panic attacks, Avoiding triggers, which means avoiding people, places, avoiding watching shows, pretty much avoiding everything. So now I’m tired of avoiding.... trying To doggy paddle just keep my head above water.

    Today is going to mark the new era of healing. I feel a bit stronger. These triggers are only in my head. The Beautiful girls were always there…and there were always places with them there before my heart was broken. And they are places that I love. Like the beach.
    It’s only my perspective that’s changed. It’s all in my head.

    My goal is to be confident woman walking down the street that doesn’t have a physical reaction to every beautiful woman I come in contact with. I mean most of my friends are beautiful… I’m tired of avoiding everything. And I think I’m ready to face it head on. Hopefully I don’t fall smack down on my face.

    I hope this online course will bring me into that place.
     
  2. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Most my friends are beautiful... LOL I’m making myself laugh… That was really rude of me. That implies that some of my friends are not beautiful. And they all are beautiful.
     
  3. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    This is my first assignment in Bloom for women and it's very personal. I'm doing the "WORK".



    “Healing Trauma From Sexual Betrayal”

    Dr. Kevin Skinner

    Your Story of Trauma

    Every trauma has a story. In order to understand the pain you feel today, you must first understand where the trauma all began.

    Think of your trauma. Is there anything from your past that affects the trauma you face with your relationship today? Write the story of your trauma below:

    My trauma from my past shows me that my self views are that “I’m NOT worth being loved in a virtuous way and that my value is only sexual based”:


    I’m not worth it from FIRST HUSBAND- in the fact that I gave him chance after chance to “prove his love and treat me with respect without abuse and he could not.” I was a “hole” to him, the kids were “my hobbies”. I felt like I was just a pet or an object to him.


    I’m not worth it from MY DAD- and my dad chose sexual pleasure over my mother and being a father to me. I’m not worth it because the type of woman my dad deemed beautiful was not like me… I’m not petite, I have a thick bridge of nose, I have brown hair and brown eyes.


    Betrayed by my UNCLE in the fact that I looked at him as a father figure and he twisted me into sexual object. He knew me since I was 4 and watched me grow into a “voluptuous" woman” and taught me that me and my mother’s sexuality is more important than his family by the risks he took in molesting us.


    Betrayed by MY MOM- in the fact that protecting sister’s feeling were more important than with of our virtues. Also my virtue was not valued more that her sexual pleasure when she chose to have Bruce in her life off and on for years since Bruce was a child molester and did molest me. (I'm not protecting Bruces anonymity- he is in prison for molesting other children).


    I remember thinking that I was “special” that Bruce chose me instead of the other cousins to molest and that I had something special sexually. Same with UNCLE. I think this reinforced the way I see my value to men sexually. sick, huh?


    Maybe something sexual happened to me very young. I realized at age 3 or 4 that showing my body parts got me attention that I thrived on. I remember showing my butt crack in the back of a car window to strangers and watching their reaction…. which was thrilling to me.


    CURRENT HUSBAND Betraying me reinforces that women are only valued for sexual pleasure from men… and that I used to be valued sexually from Husband but now I realize that I wasn’t even valued sexually since he sought many many others in porn and real women/girls to give him sexual pleasure. I was not special.


    My history of getting men’s attention sexually for the “dopamine hit” is a symptom of my earlier self conception and trauma. (Funny thing is, I never wanted sex from the men, only the feeling that they want me sexually).


    Now my value is stripped from me. (Because it was primarily a sexual value).


    So- I can write it down. I can see it from here, but it doesn’t change how I view myself…. yet.
     
  4. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    That is awesome!! I hope bloom is really helpful for you.

    The world is your oyster--you've got this!
     
  5. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I don't want to be stuck here in trauma mode any longer than I HAVE to... thanks friend!!
     
  6. :D:D:D:D
    Well happens with me often times... But I am a cheerful fellow and often escape with a pat on my back that's intended to hurt as well...
    By the way... Good job on an awesome streak... Which I think you'll make even awesomer :)
     
  7. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I admire your courage to dig this deep and share your experiences so candidly. I'm interested on hearing how this bloom for women works for you. *staying tuned*
     
    Trappist, Kenzi and BetrayedMermaid like this.
  8. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Trappist

    You made my day! I love the clip and relate to it completely!

    Thanks for opening up- I had early sibling/ cousin boundaries crossed as well- I’m not really doing a sexual history because I’m not the PA, but I definately have issues... and maybe I should.

    Have a great day!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Going through a Betrayal Trauma course with Bloom for women:

    This is a small sample of questions I'm supposed to journal after taking trauma assessments.


    Responding With Purpose

    Questions to ponder:




    What images/memories are running through my mind, as a result of this experience?


    * Many images/memories went through my mind while taking this assessment… too many sexual advances on me by men as a child. I mean… one is too many right? There were too many to count... I didn’t feel safe. I wasn’t protected. My mom was distracted and in pain herself from sexual betrayal from my father. I watched too many acts of physical abuse, my father throwing a chair at my mother when I was 3, this is one of my first memories. Too many uncontrolled yelling/screaming and mental breakdowns from my mother. I was seeking sexual attention from a very early age. (makes me wonder what my experiences were before I can actually remember).

    * I am thinking that everyone has childhood trauma in their life… its called LIFE> and I don’t really feel like it’s an excuse to be unhealthy… so I guess I’m having a negative attitude.


    What have I come to believe about myself as a result of this experience?


    * I’m not going to let an assessment determine how healthy I am based on childhood trauma… shit happened… happens to all….



    How has this experience influence my health? Am I storing the stress in my body?



    * My mental health is suffering, anxiety, panic attacks and depression, diagnosed now with Major Depressive Disorder- recurrent episode. I’m on medication or I’d really be in trouble. Had some “death wish” thoughts. Some suicidal thoughts but really just cool ways to die… not plans or anything.


    * My knees are not doing well, I’m wearing a brace on the left side. It’s swollen. I have overworked my body for 4 months now since Dday, walking/hiking/biking/jogging the stress off and although the exercise is good for my mental health, I’m wearing down. I’ll give it this weekend to rest.


    * Also my neck was not doing well, I went to chiropractor and they did their weird mumbo jumbo on it and it is doing better. I’m getting regular massages every month now for self care.


    * Other than that I’m pretty healthy. I lost about 15 pounds, and that isn’t really a bad thing. I’m going to try to keep it off.


    The link between my early childhood experiences and my relationship now:


    I think I craved the comfort of a man (my PA husband) that would sexually exploit me. Why? I have yet to learn... is it because it's all I know?


    I also think that my first husband had a porn addiction, I am now seeing the signs of the addiction, learning about it from this husband.


    I'm doing the work, it's not fun and I get irritated with doing it. I think to myself I'd rather be doing something fun with my time... learning something new, reading enjoyable things... this sucks. I HATE it! But I'm just wanting to get through it so I can get my life back.
     
  10. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Also, my husband (if he is being honest) and I can't tell because he is "expert" in lying... IF he's being honest, I'm really proud of his progress... I've been told that I will be able to tell if he's really recovering, but I don't trust my gut, it's all screwed up because when my gut did tell me something was off, I'd go to my husband and he'd shush my fears with hugs and lies... "I'm protecting us and our relationship"... he'd say... then I'd chalk up my "gut" feelings to just being paranoid... so I need to calibrate my gut so as to trust myself.
     
  11. Archangel 77

    Archangel 77 Fapstronaut

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    You’re doing the work that it takes. Healing from abuse and trauma is so hard, but I promise you from experience, it is so worthwhile. I would never want to go back to the person I was before my abuse counseling. I know my sister wouldn’t either.

    You can do this!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I had a bad day that started with me waking up from a dream:

    Short version: We were on a cruise together and I'm getting my bikini on to go out to the deck. He isn't looking at me getting ready but is on his phone. I grab the phone and sure enough, he's looking at porn with girls in bikinis. I throw his phone and go to the bar where men are ogling me so I got up and left, got lost on the cruise ship and couldn't find my way back to the room, but when I finally did, his friend was with him and they were trying to show me the device on his penis that would shock him if he looked at porn.. I said "I DON'T CARE!" very angrily. "It's UP HERE!!!" and I poked him in the head really hard and left again,... then I woke up.

    So my feelings when I woke up were that I wasn't pretty enough to keep his attention in a bikini and even though it was a dream I was PISSED at him. Then I started thinking about our Hawaii trip that we took with my kids for spring break and all the scenes with him and my daughter played back in my head. Them swimming out far together while I was sitting manning the stuff on the beach, them hiking side by side in front of me. Them sitting on the beach watching the sunset beside each other while my son and I boogie boarded in the ocean... it was definitely a form of PTSD I was experiencing... I mean this is HAWAII, supposed to be a beautiful paradise, and is now turned into HELL for me to remember.

    Another thing that has happened that is absolutely wrong and seriously disturbing is that I have jealousy triggered feelings when I'm with my daughter. It's not the first time I've been triggered by her, in fact every time we are first together, I get seriously uncomfortable. She is absolutely innocent in all of this, but I snapped at her when we were putting on make up together in front of the mirror because of my insane insecurities and my fucked up mind and it's effecting mine and her relationship. She was confused and I couldn't explain it to her....I fucking hate this so bad.

    Husband... what have you done to me?



    Here's my assignment I did today:

    Understanding Your Fears


    Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk’s research has shown that “for real change to take place, the body needs to learn that the danger has passed and to live in the reality of the present.”






    Here are some questions that we would ask you to consider as you try to understand your fears. These questions should help you put a voice to what you’re afraid of.



    Has the danger passed?



    No. The danger is ever present. Every day I feel like there is more he’s not telling me, more that he will have to admit or remember that will hurt me. Every day I wonder if this is the day he relapses. With only 5-6% of recovering addicts succeeding over one year, I’m just waiting every day for him to tell me he fucked up. Or worse, for him to fuck up and NOT tell me. I’m in danger every moment of my life, ready for the blade to cut me through my gut again.



    How would I know the danger has passed?


    I dont’ know. I didn’t have any clue I was in danger before, I was bludgeoned from the back. Aside from me constantly looking “behind” me… metaphorically speaking… I have no idea how I will know the danger has passed. His counselor says “You can’t fake recovery. You will see him be unselfish” Bullshit… my husband acted the part… he was not selfish. He was service minded. No one in the family would have accused him of being selfish. I felt connected to him, I felt intimate with him. I was “one” with him. It felt like a healthy beautiful marriage.




    How would I know I’m safe in this relationship?


    I dont’ know. He was too good at making me feel safe when I wasn’t.



    What would I need to feel safe again?



    For me to know without a doubt that I’m the only woman he lusts/wants and that he will never cheat or leave me.



    What is short term danger?

    Him to relapse, me to feel that sharp pain again. For him to damage my daughter or his daughter.


    What is long-term danger?

    Sustained pain that doesn’t end and the stress it causes puts my body into disease and deterioration so that I cannot enjoy the things I love that I need my body for, like hiking.
     
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  13. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Ok, I’ll look into that. I can’t let this affect mine and her relationship. We are very close but I feel a distance now.
     
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  14. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Today was our anniversary. I called in “sick”... I was afraid I’d be distracted and can’t be making mistakes at work- and yesterday I had to take 2 crying breaks because of songs triggering me so I figured it would’ve best to skip at work- I have only taken one other day besides today off since DDay 4.3 months ago. I made an appointment this morning for a hair cut and I cut 10 inches off! I had kept my hair long for my husband- but I think it was kind of a “screw you”.. to him and also- it didn’t matter if my hair was long and pretty like he said he liked it- didn’t keep him from tearing my heart out. Anyway- he saw it and said he really liked it- but I’m not sure I believe him. I like it though and that is what matters, right? I also went shopping with my daughter and we indulged!!! I’ve lost weight enough now that we wear the same size so we can share clothing- double the outfits!! Tomorrow I’m going to the beach for the weekend and I thought I was going by myself (I originally invited my daughter but she declined) I kind of wanted to be by myself but my daughter decided to come after all... she’s a trigger for me- not all the time but I have to get over that so maybe being with her will desensitize me... I’ve been avoiding her which is really sad.
    My husband and I both expressed that we miss each other today. We spent some time together but not celebrating our anniversary.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
  15. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Absolutely!!

    Have a wonderful, relaxing time at the beach this weekend with your daughter.
     
    hope4healing and BetrayedMermaid like this.
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Spending the day...
    Doing what made you happy?
    I'm glad you like your hair.
    I found I was always changing my hair, purple, pink, green.... Until I found out my PA girlfriend dyed her hair and her eyes matched mine.
    Now, I'm growing it out to my natural color.... Whether he likes brunettes or not.
    Funny how we go against "the system" like that, right?
    Like us or don't?
    It's almost like a physical silent scream of screw you at them.
    Well I hope you have a good weekend.
     
  17. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Yeah- and all these years trying to please him keeping it long- It didn’t matter.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  18. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I’m really disappointed today. I was sent to a different counselor- one who was able to see me more often who could prepare me for full disclosure. He was supposed to be more qualified than my last one who I feel was naive to this whole sex addiction/betrayal trauma. This new guy didn’t even know what a “full disclosure” is- I felt like I was actually educating HIM on betrayal trauma- this is not going to work. My disclosure is in July and I guess I’m not going to be properly prepped for it- whatever... I’m ready. Bring it on. I don’t need no stinkin counselor by my side. I’m a little drunk tonight with my bottle of wine but I’m having a good time with my daughter at the beach. Not too triggered.
     
  19. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Today: 2nd day of beach trip.
    My daughter is going through some big changes. She dropped out of the full scholarship with the ROTC program to for Nursing, dyed her hair pink, got on TINDER!!!! Ugh and is now going to meet up with a girl... she has never been in a relationship and has only kissed one girl and one boy. She tells me she’s leaning towards girls because “most guys seem to be dicks” and she said every guy in her life has let her down. Hmmmm. That sounds familiar. (I’ve said it).
    She showed me the picture of the girl she’s interested in and going to meet. She’s really cute and immediately I thought- how will my husband see this little cute little lesbian couple all in love and being affectionate with each other?
    How is this ever going to work? I was totally triggered at the thought of the future with my husband and my daughter both in my life and spent the rest of the day at a hieghtened sensitivity level and when we went shopping at the outlet stores, i turned absolutely antisocial and left my daughter in the stores to come outside and breathe. My world has changed so much. I tried on some sports bras and looked in the mirror just hating my body. The words that came to my head are “you are pathetic, fat and ugly”. I didn’t look or talk to people and cringed when anyone engaged me and avoided eye contact. My daughter noticed I wasn’t being my friendly self and was not enjoying shopping like I usually do. I had to tell her I was having some self image problems. She gets really uncomfortable when I cry so I kept it bottled. We are our way home from our beach trip.
     
  20. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I am so, so, so, so sorry.

    Porn addition sucks.
    Life is not fair.
    You deserve better.
    You. Will. Get. Through. This.

    Sorry your trip got cut short / sorry this life-of-recovery is as difficult and painful as it is.

    You CANNOT believe the internal lies of "you are pathetic, fat and ugly" -- that is simply not true..you are working through so much pain and betrayal and chaos. You have to shew those lies / that "stinkin thinking" away. I know it's hard to do .. I know it's easy to get triggered. But you are stronger than this ... You. Can. Beat. This.
     
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