Meditations in an Emergency - Don Draper's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by DonDraper, Oct 6, 2016.

  1. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    I have struggled with an addiction to online pornography and masturbation for about 8 years.
    - This is my story -

    Before you delve into the my personal online journal I would like to point out that throughout my childhood I grew up in an abusive household that has left me scars both physically and mentally that I do not wish to go into detail. During this time period and after, I have used many vices: namely video games, pornography, masturbation to escape into a world where I am loved and in control. But as I grew older I realized that I cannot keep living like this and that I must let go off my past self and forge my ideal self. This is my journal, an account of my daily life since I began this journey several years back. I must let you know in advance that many of these journal postings are just about my day, thoughts that I have pondered, things that I have done, and occasional rants about myself and society. This is a personal journal which reflects my thoughts throughout the rebooting process. By rebooting process, I want to leave pornography and masturbation behind forever. Take it as you wish, but if there is anything you wish to take away from this know this: things will always get better but you have to work for it...

    Some day I wish to re-read this journal and visit my entire life starting from this change. One must know where one comes from, what one has done, and what one has left to do in order to live a purposeful life. Believe in a better future for yourself and realize that this pain you suffer now will pass and only make you stronger for tomorrow.

    How could I be so optimistic? Maybe it is just a way for me to survive and not end it all.

    After close to 8 years of being addicted to pornography and masturbation, I have finally managed to go on a successful streak. Although this current streak that I am on may seem like a lot, I have a long way to go in terms of recovery. Life is finally getting better for me, and this is merely a stepping stone to becoming my ideal self. Now I must develop who I am by building strong habits so that I can survive in the unforgiving adult world. Below are some of the things I have managed to accomplish during this journey. If there is a bit of wisdom I want to pass to you about life it would probably be this: there is only one direction in your life and it is forward. Keep pushing. Now that I understand the consequences of this addiction on myself and others, I am determined to stop this destructive habit and move forward in my life. This is a personal journal which reflects my thoughts throughout the rebooting process. By rebooting process, I want to leave pornography and masturbation behind forever.

    Things that I have accomplished thus far

    Stopped Playing Video Games

    Not sure if you want to quit such a destructive habit? Here are my reasons...

    Emergency: You are about to PMO

    Here are several reasons why you need to STOP
    • Because you PMO, you have PORN INDUCED ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
    • Because you PMO, women are able to tell and are repulsed/unattracted to you.
    • Because you PMO, you have neglected your studies and have fallen behind academically.
    • Because you PMO, you are not able to concentration for long periods of time like your peers.
    • Because you PMO, you are unable to maintain any meaningful relationships with others and this has led you to feel complete loneliness.
    • Because you PMO, you will never have a girlfriend or have sex as long as this habit keeps continuing.
    • Because you PMO, you are losing a lot of hair resulting in a balding appearance.
    Benefits of Nofap
    • While on no PMO, you have more confidence in your body and abilities.
    • While on no PMO, you are more productive and smarter.
    My Life
    It's very hard to understand who I am. Even when I think I have myself all figured out, I turn around and do something that leaves me and the audience blindsided. I have a tendency to isolate myself and hide who I really am. Although others view me as mysterious and interesting, telling me quite literally that I have it all, no one knows the true me who sits in his room scared and alone. I am a victim of child abuse and I have been abused physically and mentally by my parents growing up. I was also forced into isolation at an early age and was refrained from socializing with others, for the fear of gaining negative influences. From this, the lack of companionship, love, and family in my life lead me to view pornography and masturbate frequently. It was the only thing that kept me afloat and relieve that pain I faced everyday. Thankfully, I never had any serious issues regarding pornography and masturbation. I would at most PMO twice a day everyday, and what I viewed never escalated past straight vanilla. I prefered the slowness and peacefulness mainly because I had hope that someday I would experience such love and compassion. Well, turns it out is fake and staged, and what would a growing teenager know about life at this stage?

    As I grew up, I slowly was treated differently by others. The bullying that took place in school turned me into someone quite popular. My parents backed off and now remain in their own self-imposed isolation as they realize their only son hates them, and they live in despair knowing that they raised a monster. Pair that with becoming somewhat attractive and somewhat smart, you would say life turned out alright for me. On the surface that is. Deep down was a huge crater left from my childhood. It was filled with negative thoughts, extremely low self esteem, lack of trust in anyone, and profound sociopathic behavior. Through in pornography and masturbation and no one will know will they?

    It wasn't until towards the second year of my college I realized that I cannot live like this anymore. I wanted to let go of the past, no matter how painful it was and I wanted to become my ideal self. I'm at the very end of removing all these self destructive behaviors but one remains. One that has plagued me for 8 years of my life. The last crux and personality flaw that no one is aware of. I need to beat this and I need to beat this alone. Over the years I have significantly cut back on my addiction, but it keeps popping its head here and there.

    As Don Draper would say, "I'm not finished yet."
     

    Attached Files:

    Last edited: Dec 22, 2018
  2. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    Day 1: I relapsed today after a long break. My triggers were largely due to Youtube videos and thinking about random issues from my past. I relapsed three times over the course of the day, so I will not be able to relapse again. I'm going to try to acknowledge my urges this time and instead of acting on them, understand why they came about and reason with them as to why they provoke me in such a way.

    New Rule: I'm going to need to cut out two individuals from my life. They have betrayed my trust by reading my journal: which is clearly marked private on my computer. It's a shame to see such individuals go, but you don't do that to someone, no matter how close you are with them. Some secrets are better left buried.


    Update 2 years later:
    Ah yes, the past binges over loneliness, boredom, and struggles with my identity. If I can go back to this time period, I will inform my past about why loneliness is a universal experience and not something that only you experience. The issues I was struggling with was trying to understand how everyone was having so much fun and why I was doing nothing but sitting at home. During this time, I never went to parties or got invited to go anywhere. In retrospect, I didn't miss much. In fact, I had more of a benefit staying at home and studying.

    The two individuals mentioned in this post have long since left college, and my memories. One individual dropped out of college and ended up retreating home. He spends his days, from what I assume, playing video games, smoking weed, and PMO'ing constantly. He's now at home - in his basement - taking community college classes here and there. I pity him now more than I hate him. I feel bad for his mother whom coddled him and tries to help him. One story I remember is how he "fell" for a girl back in the day. This girl knows that he likes her and actually plays with his emotions. He admits that this "ruins" him. Such a sad state. The other person also dropped off the map. He did graduate college and is back at home, but he doesn't do much anymore. A dead end academic job. I don't worry much for him; I hardly think about this person at all. People come and go in lives, the best thing to do is to learn from them. Learn their mistakes, their strengths, their weaknesses, and pray that you don't make these mistakes down the road.
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2018
  3. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

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    Best of luck to you. . .
     
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  4. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    Day 2: I have relapsed twice in the past 24 hours. Hopefully I can go the rest of the day without any need for it.

    Update 2 years later:
    There was a period in my life where I would PMO twice a day everyday. Once in the morning and once late at night to go to sleep. The only thing I ever did was go to class, come home and study, then sit and do nothing. I never even ate with others - I brought most food home and ate in my dorm. I pity my past self because of this, but at least now I don't PMO every day or so. I PMO maybe once every week or two weeks. It's still more than I want, as I'd like to be completely rid of it by now.

    In the future while in _______ school, I would like to spend more time with others and actually have people to hang out with. I won't be as private or as independent as I normally would. I'm currently reading Harry Potter, and my favorite thing about the book is how Harry waits to joins his friends once school starts. I'd love to meet people like Ron and Hermione in the future. I've met great people in college, but times change, people go to different places, etc. At least I have people now in my life that I can communicate to and relate to. I'm not a total loner as I once was.
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2018
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  5. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    Day 3: Feeling lonely and depressed all day. Relapsed twice. What triggered me was youtube thumbnails. I'm now going to spend less time browsing youtube and using it as a supplement to turn myself on. Basically, I'm living like a hermit now without any form of technology or communication. I think there is something about this specific relapse. It wasn't like the others. I feel like it will be my last one that involves P. I'm going to fight this now. It's time to stop feeling this way.

    In order to do this, I'm going to have to risk this all. My PMO addiction has finally reached its peak.
     
  6. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    Day 4: I felt depressed all day, up until about my nap around 4:45. Afterwards, I studied up on my pornography addiction, did yoga + meditation, and played violin. Once I completed those tasks, I chatted up with three different individuals. It was quite interesting because throughout the day I felt like no one cared much about me. Then, I ate dinner with a friend and we went around people watching. I maintained strong eye-contact with several attractive women and spoke with a girl that rejected me earlier last semester. It was cool to see some strong displays of confidence and I did receive looks from numerous women whom passed by. It felt great to go a day without pornography and masturbation but I know I am far from seeing any long term progress.

    I also had
    a strong urge to masturbation with porn this afternoon. I managed to fight the urge and I believe the possible trigger was me merely observing my genitalia. I think that in order to avoid this trigger I should avoid observing/feeling it. I've noticed that it is a common thing I do in the mornings and nights (sometimes middle of the nights).

    New Rule: I'm going to go to bed at around 10:00pm every night and wake up around 5:00am. This gives me a
    total of seven hours of sleep plus I get to utilize the mornings for both exercise and studying. Alright, time is approaching. I'm going to continue reading my books on PMO and get to bed. Since this week will be busy, I'll hopefully not have so much alone time.
     
  7. SolidSoldier

    SolidSoldier Guest

    Keep going and don't stop working hard at this. Every time you beat an urge is another synapse rewired in your brain and making a new way of thinking.

    We are in this together and I know you can succeed because I succeeded. Keep busy and don't look back. Stay close to the soldiers on here and start helping others.


    Solidstance, Fleet Admiral for Heirs of the Sun, In honor of Operation F.S.
     
  8. Lucid Kazekuro

    Lucid Kazekuro Fapstronaut

    I see you putting consistent effort into this mate. Keep on sailing this storm, Life, naturally, isn't linear. Be prepared for sudden swings.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2018
  9. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    Day 5: I have been experience several mood swings throughout the day. My thoughts constantly fluctuate between feelings of nothing being good enough to feeling on top of the world. I am aware that these are common symptoms during the first couple days of no PMO. I must constantly remind myself that things will get better. My mind keeps alternating between states of utter despair and brief euphoria. One of the greatest worries I am currently suffering is when am I going to be feel loved. Why is it that I have never received love beyond friendship? Even my two weird flatmates have had girlfriends. How?

    No matter, I must fight this addiction first and
    learn to love myself before I can give love to others.

    New Rule: From now on I will no longer talk about academics with other people. Why? Because I am much more than an individual who merely takes courses. I'm Don Draper. I'm not just someone who shows up, takes exams, and get straight A's. There is certainly more to life than academics. Also, the mere act of talking about academics is
    basically me trying to compare myself to others. I immediately recognized that this is not a healthy thing to do. From now on, I shall not talk about academics nor compare myself to others. First of all, if my academics were so good it surely isn't help me attract women.

    As of right now I have three good rules: Wake up early, Cut off Contact with those whom betrayed my trust, and No longer focus solely on academics. If you think about it, even though
    I am doing excellent academically it has brought me no joy or happiness. In fact, my only regret is that I missed out on making friends, establishing relationships, but most of all enjoying the first two years of college.
     
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  10. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

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    OK. Keep fighting.
     
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  11. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    Day 5: It's been three days so far and I've decided to place my room on lockdown. This should hopefully clear up my name for the time being. I want to emerge out of this lockdown as a changed individual, a prisoner who has escaped, and has managed to fight through.

    I have noticed women checking me out now. I'm beginning to see results of my nofap streak.
     
  12. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

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    That's great. A female employee smelled me at CVS today; asking what perfume I was wearing. I don't know if that counts as her checking me out -- but later she did actually check me out because she was the cashier.

    So, that counts for something, right?;)
     
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  13. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    Dude I noticed that when I go on my nofap streaks, I tend to get noticed a lot more.
     
  14. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

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    Yeah. That's the only time I've seen myself being checked out in a long time, though. You must be more handsome than me. :p
     
  15. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    It's been four days now since my last relapse. I've had some urges today and experienced some triggers when watching movies but I managed to fight through them. My moods have been swinging up and down and I have been acting strangely to everyone else in my flat. In addition to that, I've been secluded all day. I'm going to force myself to go to a yoga class today, maybe pick up some chicks. I realize that I should be bogged down by my virginity or the feeling of being unloved. I'm going to fight this, believe me. This is the greatest battle I will ever face, I'm not going to let this get the better of me.


    Tomorrow I will wake up at 6:00 am and resume my studies. I've taken a couple days off because my addiction was really bothering me. I have moved all my furniture into my room and I've cut ties. I'm gonna win this. I've been also seeing myself get slowly more and more attractive each day. It may be just confidence, I don't know but as long as it works.
    Gives me all the more reason to quit.

    Yesterdays yoga session was very beneficial to me. I felt a great release of tension in my lower back once I completed the class. I really feel more confident about my looks more though. I studied about three hours this morning. I was thinking of chilling until class at 11:40.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2016
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  16. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

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    Picking up chicks from yoga - what the fuck? Haven't heard that one before. (But it sounds like a good idea. Good luck!)
     
  17. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    The goal is to stir their curiosity. Does this guy actually know how to do yoga or is he just here to check us out? Maybe he's gay?

    Lol, hey it works. As an indian guy who is pretty good at yoga, it's the perfect hunting grounds for women who want to embrace their spiritual side.
     
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  18. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

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    lmao :D

    My man.
     
  19. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    Whoa that was a close call, almost relapsed. So I guess from now on, no more youtube. Jesus, my life just got infinitely boring.

    I want to stop going on youtube unless I for educational purposes. I often catch myself spending several hours a day on youtube. This time could be used to study instead. It is also a significant source of triggers. Many compilation videos with click-bait thumbnails. I almost felt victim to one today and ended my almost 5 day streak. From now on no youtube.


    Wait a minute, I don't use facebook, I don't use youtube, I don't even listen to music? Wait am the most boring person ever, or am I free?
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2016
  20. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    October 12, 2016
    I almost relapsed today but caught myself. I managed to just exit out of the website and go for a run outside. It was very tempting but I've identified another possible trigger. The trigger is youtube, especially due to the click-bait thumbnails that most videos are posted under. I have decided that I will no long go on youtube anymore, unless for educational purposes. I feel very tempted to use porn one more time, especially when I wondered on a site today. It wasn't completely porn but it was very suggestive models. Anyway, I've managed to take a step back and collect myself. It felt pretty good that I can turn away from such a trigger without any hesitation. I have approached 5 days where I haven't masturbated or watched porn. On a side note, my behaviors have been very strange for the past couple of days, even to my flatmates. I seem to be acting very suspicious and vampiric. I seem to be locked up in my room, refusing to answer questions, and overall being a general weirdo. Hopefully I can turn these behaviors around as my brain returns to normalcy. I've installed my website blocker extension and have blocked youtube and facebook. One thing I have noticed is that girls are actually beginning to check me out.

    I need to take better care of myself now. This means I need to starting wearing good clothes and not the same thing everyday. In addition, I need to wash my hair more and shave. I basically look like a bum. Maybe I'll buy some clothes this week or next week? I really only wear one pair of jeans and one shirt with a NorthFace jacket. I need to diversify my wardrobe into my more formal attire from High School. Remember those days?

    But yeah, I think I caught several girls today checking me out. Now I need to work on building social intelligence if I want to succeed. I think it came to the conclusion that humans are a collective species and that we prefer to be in the company of others and it is how we learn, grow, and be happy. Why would I isolate myself in an attempt to be mysterious or cool? I'll do that naturally, but first I need to act cool, calm, and collected.
     
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