I have struggled with an addiction to online pornography and masturbation for about 8 years. - This is my story - Before you delve into the my personal online journal I would like to point out that throughout my childhood I grew up in an abusive household that has left me scars both physically and mentally that I do not wish to go into detail. During this time period and after, I have used many vices: namely video games, pornography, masturbation to escape into a world where I am loved and in control. But as I grew older I realized that I cannot keep living like this and that I must let go off my past self and forge my ideal self. This is my journal, an account of my daily life since I began this journey several years back. I must let you know in advance that many of these journal postings are just about my day, thoughts that I have pondered, things that I have done, and occasional rants about myself and society. This is a personal journal which reflects my thoughts throughout the rebooting process. By rebooting process, I want to leave pornography and masturbation behind forever. Take it as you wish, but if there is anything you wish to take away from this know this: things will always get better but you have to work for it... Some day I wish to re-read this journal and visit my entire life starting from this change. One must know where one comes from, what one has done, and what one has left to do in order to live a purposeful life. Believe in a better future for yourself and realize that this pain you suffer now will pass and only make you stronger for tomorrow. How could I be so optimistic? Maybe it is just a way for me to survive and not end it all. After close to 8 years of being addicted to pornography and masturbation, I have finally managed to go on a successful streak. Although this current streak that I am on may seem like a lot, I have a long way to go in terms of recovery. Life is finally getting better for me, and this is merely a stepping stone to becoming my ideal self. Now I must develop who I am by building strong habits so that I can survive in the unforgiving adult world. Below are some of the things I have managed to accomplish during this journey. If there is a bit of wisdom I want to pass to you about life it would probably be this: there is only one direction in your life and it is forward. Keep pushing. Now that I understand the consequences of this addiction on myself and others, I am determined to stop this destructive habit and move forward in my life. This is a personal journal which reflects my thoughts throughout the rebooting process. By rebooting process, I want to leave pornography and masturbation behind forever. Things that I have accomplished thus far Stopped Playing Video Games Not sure if you want to quit such a destructive habit? Here are my reasons... Emergency: You are about to PMO Here are several reasons why you need to STOP Because you PMO, you have PORN INDUCED ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. Because you PMO, women are able to tell and are repulsed/unattracted to you. Because you PMO, you have neglected your studies and have fallen behind academically. Because you PMO, you are not able to concentration for long periods of time like your peers. Because you PMO, you are unable to maintain any meaningful relationships with others and this has led you to feel complete loneliness. Because you PMO, you will never have a girlfriend or have sex as long as this habit keeps continuing. Because you PMO, you are losing a lot of hair resulting in a balding appearance. Benefits of Nofap While on no PMO, you have more confidence in your body and abilities. While on no PMO, you are more productive and smarter. My Life It's very hard to understand who I am. Even when I think I have myself all figured out, I turn around and do something that leaves me and the audience blindsided. I have a tendency to isolate myself and hide who I really am. Although others view me as mysterious and interesting, telling me quite literally that I have it all, no one knows the true me who sits in his room scared and alone. I am a victim of child abuse and I have been abused physically and mentally by my parents growing up. I was also forced into isolation at an early age and was refrained from socializing with others, for the fear of gaining negative influences. From this, the lack of companionship, love, and family in my life lead me to view pornography and masturbate frequently. It was the only thing that kept me afloat and relieve that pain I faced everyday. Thankfully, I never had any serious issues regarding pornography and masturbation. I would at most PMO twice a day everyday, and what I viewed never escalated past straight vanilla. I prefered the slowness and peacefulness mainly because I had hope that someday I would experience such love and compassion. Well, turns it out is fake and staged, and what would a growing teenager know about life at this stage? As I grew up, I slowly was treated differently by others. The bullying that took place in school turned me into someone quite popular. My parents backed off and now remain in their own self-imposed isolation as they realize their only son hates them, and they live in despair knowing that they raised a monster. Pair that with becoming somewhat attractive and somewhat smart, you would say life turned out alright for me. On the surface that is. Deep down was a huge crater left from my childhood. It was filled with negative thoughts, extremely low self esteem, lack of trust in anyone, and profound sociopathic behavior. Through in pornography and masturbation and no one will know will they? It wasn't until towards the second year of my college I realized that I cannot live like this anymore. I wanted to let go of the past, no matter how painful it was and I wanted to become my ideal self. I'm at the very end of removing all these self destructive behaviors but one remains. One that has plagued me for 8 years of my life. The last crux and personality flaw that no one is aware of. I need to beat this and I need to beat this alone. Over the years I have significantly cut back on my addiction, but it keeps popping its head here and there. As Don Draper would say, "I'm not finished yet."