Me, Myself and a New Man

I have appreciated this forum for the insights and support that it has given me and other PA's. As I have said before we must also look to other sources to help us claim victory over our addiction and reclaim a healthy life. As part of our journeys we need to share what has helped us make strides in our recovery. So in my wanderings of podcasts I have across tools and insights that have help me renovate my life. This podcast called "Love People Use Things" has been a great source of learning to lead a porn free life. In my recovery and rebuilding of my life I have learned that I must heal myself and get to the point where I can lead a healthy life before I work on a relationship with my SO. When I try to focus on or put energy into my SO it takes away time and energy from my own recovery. This then makes the process longer for my recovery which hinders our rebuilding of the relationship. Does this mean separation, no, it means that you must get to a healthy place before you can restore your relationship. A pause button in a sense. This podcast deals with learning things that help us as PA's recover and build a healthy life. There was an episode that the speaker wrote a statement for a porn free mindset. He encouraged the listeners to adapt it for their own which I have done. I hope this can be a tool of encouragement and growth. Keep up the fight and never give up.

Renovating Myself Into the Man I’m Meant to Be.
I am a porn addict which I now acknowledge that it is harmful to me despite my past illusions and I will always be an addict. This doesn't mean I cannot live a lesser life but it does mean that I cannot ever go back to pornography because of all the problems, pain and destruction it brought me to this point. Even with the lure of temporary pleasure that comes with porn it has taken more from me then it has ever given to me. I have lost my family and loved ones because of my addiction. It has taken my ability to be honestly intimate with my wife, my relationship with my children, my self-respect, my dreams, my love and respect for others not just using them as sexual objects, it has stolen my time, joy from my life, and stripped my soul of light. I am taking my life back from pornography and rebuilding a life that I am meant to lead and was designed for. This is what I want and I will do whatever it takes to renovate myself and I am absolutely committed to this.

This will not be an easy journey but a difficult one filled with pain, loneliness, hurt and many challenges. There will be times when the fight will be wearisome but I know who I want to be and I will keep moving forward. Pornography kept me from knowing and dealing with my true feelings of being abandoned, unloved, shame and not worthy to be accepted. This drove me further into the cycle of medicating myself which removed me from the ones that loved me the most. I will no longer hide or be distracted by using porn because it kept me from living my life that I was created to live. I will accept the pain of my emotions and face them because they point to my true need of connection, love, purpose, self-esteem, intimacy, and fullness of life. If I fail and relapse or slip in my journey, I will not seek shame, hide it from others or hate myself for it. Addiction is a disease of impaired self-control. I am not to blame for becoming an addict, but I am responsible now for learning how to live porn free. I will learn from every slip and relapse so I can apply that knowledge to make changes so I can continue to rebuild my life.

I understand that my addiction grew in secrecy, selfishness, pride, and isolation. For me to carry on in my journey, I will make connections with people that I will be open and truthful with, and ones who know my faults. I must lay down my pride so I can accept their help and guidance. Everyone has faults but I deserve love and acceptance as much as anyone, not just from my loved ones but also myself. By fully accepting who I am now and what I did to get here I can start to rebuild upon this foundation given to me. I am a child of God who is loved, cherished, honored, accepted and free. Through the strength that has been given to me by His love, through the guidance of the voice within me and the promises that He bestowed on me, I will succeed. I am ready for this journey, to seize my own life and build a life that shines forth love, respect, honor, acceptance, forgiveness, and joy. This will create some of the most real, intimate, joyful and sincere moments in my life. I will not seek alternative ways to sedate myself such as shows, food, money, adventures or work. I will discover ways to learn, to grow, build deep connections, give to others and enjoy life to the abundant.

I am ready for my life to be rebuilt, I will not give up on myself, and I will do whatever it takes. No matter what lies before me or how long this journey may take I will fight on because I am worth it. This is my time.

@BetrayedMermaid

 

I slipped and then lied to my wife. She told me that I needed to be honest with her about everything and not lie. She caught me in a lie that I told her about my slip and now she wants out. How deep the pain must be for her to experience the old me after months of my recovery. She was looking forward to something new but I ruined it because the old me came through. What a nightmare for her to see that ugly face that brought so much trauma and destruction. I pray for healing and relief for her from this renewed pain she must walk through. I am so sorry for what I have done. I will learn and keep fighting for the life I want.