Married and in it to win it together

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Foxislander, May 6, 2018.

  1. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Day 45 towards 60 towards 90 towards 120 doing this together me and my wife give this to your spouse
    Elke Bill of Rights:
    1. I have the right to a husband who honors his covenants and commitments.
    2. I have the right to a marriage with complete honesty, openness and transparency.
    3. I have the right to a home that is filled with and inviting to the Spirit. I have the right to walk away from, turn off, get rid of, or change any media, activity or interaction that I feel is inappropriate in my home- or makes me feel afraid oruncomfortable- regardless of the situation that I am in and/or the way other people around me feel.
    4. I have the right for the intimacy in my marriage to be wholesome and free of lust.
    5. I have the right to feel safe.
    6. I have the right to personal preferences and opinions.
    7. I have the right to find support in whatever way I feel necessary.
    8. I have the right to freely trust, love and forgive completely.
    Non-negotiable Boundaries:
    1. I have the right to have a partner who is committed to ongoing healing/improving/recovery by going to the weekly men’s group at church, staying on NOFAP, eating healthy, exercising,reading, journaling.
    Consequence: Paul will stay in another bedroom for theremainder of our abstinence contract or possible separate from the house and there will be no physical contact during this same time frame.
    2. I have the right to expect complete openness, honesty and transparency in my marriage. Examples: Show where debit transactions have been spent with receipt 100% Accountability.
    Consequence: If being dishonest and/or alcohol is purchased the bedroom is mine for two nights and I may choose to leave for the day.
    Boundaries:
    1. I have the right not to besubjected to “neediness”, “over-touchiness” in any and all situations
    Consequence: [1] Our bedroom is mine for 3 nights automatically.
    Consequence: [2] No touch will be in place for 1-2 days as decided by me (stated by me).
    2. I have the right to feel safe when any inappropriate touch as deemed by me occurs.
    Consequence: [1] No touch will be in place for 2 daysautomatically and our bedroom is mine for both nights.
    3. I have a right not to be “badgered” by repetitiveness when communicating.
    In person Consequence: I will give one warning. If not stopped, Paul will leave the area for 2 hours.
    On phone Consequence: Paul will stop calling/texting for the remainder of the day.
    4. I have a right to not be subjected to coercion or compulsive behavior (i.e. not accepting my input if not in line with his thoughts – see garage project)
    Consequence: Paul will leave the area for 2 hours and I maychoose to leave for the day.
    5. I have a right to “me” time (i.e. TV, reading, gardening, anything) without interruption.
    Consequence: I have the right to our family room or other space and will separate myself or ask him to leave.
    6. I have a right not to be overwhelmed with too much talk about this issue/subject designated times shall be setup (this includes anything related to sexual compulsion including the boundary list)
    Consequence: The bedroom will be mine for 2 nightsautomatically.
    7. I have the right to my own opinions (without recourse (i.e. anger, manipulation)
    Consequence: I have the right to walk away from, hang up or end the conversation and seek the support that I need elsewhere.
    8. I have the right not to be disturbed during my work time 9-5pm (phone calls or texts)
    Consequence: I have the right to block his calls until at least 6pm.
    9. I have the right to feel loved and cherished without disrespect, disregard, or objectification.
    Consequence: Dependent on severity, our bedroom is mine for the night or until I feel safe again and there will be no touch for the same period of time.
    10. I have the right to total physical privacy, including any and all attempts to see me nude.
    Consequence: Our bedroom is mine for the night automatically or until further notice.
    11. I have the right during cooldown period and longer if needed, to no sexual innuendo, suggestions, asking of spooning.
    Consequence: Our bedroom is mine for the night automatically or until further notice.
    12. I have the right not to be “asked” or “pestered” about when or what will happen after our abstinence time.
    Consequence: Our bedroom is mine for the night automatically or until further notice.
    13. I have the right to a healthy, loving and intimate sexual relationship (without blame,manipulation)
    Response: I have the right to remove myself from the blame and fear by a period of abstinence and/or sleeping in separate rooms until I can once again feel safe in our sexual relationship.
    14. I have the right to no profanity when communicating. There will be one warning.
    Consequence: I have the right to “me” time in the Family room (1 or 2 hours based on my choosing).
    15. I have the right to receive my own spiritual inspiration and act on it.
    Consequence: I have the right to listen to, discern and act on the inspiration I receive regardless of his support and preference.
    Separation times will be determined by Elke based on action by Paul. Time is to be spend by Paul being constructive, i.e. work-out, journal, read (bible, book), research home improvement projects, video games, meditation, call a friend/support group, play with dogs, go outside and work in yard, go for a walk, watch Caroline Leaf, etc.
    ___________________________ _____________________________

    Here are some tips for setting healthy boundaries:
    • When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Do not argue! Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.
    • You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner. If others get upset with you, that is their problem. If they no longer want your friendship, then you are probably better off without them. You do not need "friends" who disrespect your boundaries.
    • At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway, and tell yourself you have a right to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don't let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
    • When you feel anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to do or say. Then communicate your boundary assertively. When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.
    • When you set boundaries, you might be tested, especially by those accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you. Plan on it, expect it, but be firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You can not establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing so. Be firm, clear, and respectful.
    • Most people are willing to respect your boundaries, but some are not. Be prepared to be firm about your boundaries when they are not being respected. If necessary, put up a wall by ending the relationship. In extreme cases, you might have to involve the police or judicial system by sending a no-contact letter or obtaining a restraining order.
    • Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. You will set boundaries when you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you. Let your counselor or support group help you with pace and process.
    • Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life - those who want to manipulate you, abuse you, and control you.
    • Setting healthy boundaries allows your true self to emerge – and what an exciting journey that is.
    Why are Boundaries so Important?
    Boundaries created by wives are not only crucial for them, but also for the addict husbands. Boundaries keep us and our children SAFE. Without them, we usually live in an endless loop of torment, fear, and wo'-----aka PTSD/Betrayal Trauma.
    • For the addict, a wives Boundaries can produce much needed consequences, and NO addict can truly get better without feeling the consequences to their actions. Consequences are goooood. Holding an addict husband accountable and not putting up with their crap is the most loving thing any wife could ever do for them. Addiction thrives wherever there's enabling.
    Step By Step Boundaries
    Tolerate:"To allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of without interference; To accept or endure"
    First, you need to figure out how much crap you are willing to put up with. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF. Its tricky figuring out what we are willing or not willing to tolerate in or lives with our addict husbands. It may even help to discover a few of our Personal Bill of Rights to have for our own use. Personal Boundaries are what protect our Personal Rights. (More info on Bill of Rights HERE. Or to view my personal boundaries
    HERE)
    Often boundaries arent only just things we simply want, they are actually things we NEED. They are literally things we emotionally need in our life in order for ourselves to function in a healthy progressive way so we can be the best "us". When first figuring out your Boundaries, it may be helpful to ask yourself these questions and write them down:
    * What behavior from your husband are you willing to tolerate in your home and life?
    * What behavior from your husband are you NOT willing to tolerate in your home and life?
    * What personally do YOU want out of your life? Are you able to achieve this living with an addict who's acting out in your home?
    * What are some essential emotional NEEDS you have in your life and marriage?
    * Are you willing to tolerate sleeping in the same bed, being intimate with, or living with an addict who is acting out, or lying? Aka "Addict Mode"?
    * Are you willing to tolerate free reign access to pornography (unfiltered or unmonitored Internet devices) in your home around you and your children?
    * Are you willing to tolerate being controlled, manipulated, or abused?
    * What are YOU willing to do in order to follow through on what you say? Its crucial to have a plan of what you are willing to do if your husband does something you are not willing to tolerate or put up with.
    * The most important question of all is: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO DO IN ORDER TO KEEP YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN SAFE FROM THE MOST DANGEROUS DRUG IN EXISTENCE?
    Second, after you figure out what you want and write down what you are willing to put up with in your life, its time to figure out what your going to do to achieve that. If your husband is not willing to be respectful and safe, what are you going to do to keep YOU safe? How can you show self respect to yourself?
    After writing everything down I highly suggest showing it to your therapist or a trusted friend who's already done boundaries to help proof read, and then giving a final copy to your husband. But when writing it down it's extremely helpful to write your boundaries in a way that not only YOU understand, but in a way your husband can easily understand. One method is to state what you NEED > Then state what you are not willing to tolerate > and then state what you are willing to DO to keep yourself safe (consequences) if your husband does not respect your safety Boundaries.
    Here are a variety of random different Boundary wording examples. A few of these are the boundaries/consequences I personally use, but everyone's situation is different so input consequences that would help YOU feel safe.
    - I am only willing to tolerate staying married to a man who is actively trying to get into recovery by going to meetings, counseling etc. If I do not see consistent recovery behaviors, ie. meetings, counseling, honesty etc, then I won't feel safe being married to you. (Other examples: sleeping in the same bed with you, being intimate with you, talking to you, etc etc.
    - For my safety, sanity, and mental health, I am not willing to tolerate living with a man who lies. If I am lied to, I will need distance myself and consider a separation.
    - In order for me to feel safe in this marriage I need all future slips/relapses etc. to be disclosed within 24 hours. If I receive disclosure after 24hrs , OR I discover it myself, then that puts me and the kids in danger and I will need a separation for an undisclosed amount of time.
    - For the safety of me and the children, I will not allow any unmonitored and unfiltered Internet device (computer, phone, TV etc) to enter this home. If I learn of any unprotected device you have brought into my home without my knowledge, I will need a separation for my safety.
    - I love you. I NEED to feel safe in this marriage. I NEED the kids to be safe. I am no longer willing to tolerate lies, If you lie to me without telling me within 24 hours etc, I will ______.
    - I'm not comfortable living with someone who's not trying to get into recovery by going to meetings, counseling, reaching out, full honesty/transparency etc. If I do not see these efforts in actions (not words), than I do not feel safe with you living here.
    - I don't feel safe sleeping in the same bed with someone who is not trying to get into recovery. If I do not see recovery type work by counseling, meetings, sponsor, full honestly/transparency etc, then I do not feel safe with you being in our bed.
    - I do not feel safe living with a man who is not working to get into recovery, if I do not see recovery type work by counseling, meetings, sponsor, honesty/transparency etc, then I will detach and cease contact (except directly about kids) so that i can feel safe.
    - I do not comfortable living with someone who's not trying to actively get into recovery by going to meetings, counseling, reaching out, full honesty/transparency etc etc, and if I do not see active recovery type actions by ______, then I will begin the divorce process for the safety of me and the kids.
    Third, be prepared to follow through with everything you say, otherwise you could prove yourself to be untrustworthy, and become "The Wife Who Cried Wolf". If you say you will not have sex, separate, or start divorce proceedings the next time he cheats or lies, etc., then you better be sure you are actually willing to do exactly what you said you would! Also be prepared for backlash from your husband. If your husband acts up, gets defensive/upset, or throws a tantrum, then you know it's working. Ignore it, and DO NOT engage. I repeat, DO NOT ENGAGE. It's just his addiction feeling threatened and is panicking and fighting to stay alive. If his negative behavior causes you to back down or not follow through on what you say, then it gives his addiction power and it encourage's him to continue using negative behavior to get what he wants. Stay firm. Stand your ground.
    Boundaries Are Not Ultimatums
    Boundaries and consequences are only for YOU and your children. They are NOT to punish or control your husband. Your husband has the agency to make any choice he wants. You aren't telling him what he can't do. Your simply saying "Yes, you can make the choice to act that way, and if that happens I will make the choice to keep myself safe". But they are NOT ultimatums. "Ultimatums shut down options. Boundaries open up choices." (Charlieglickman.com/boundaries-vs-ultimatums/) . "A good boundary is the result of knowing yourself and having standards for how you want to be treated in relationship. An ultimatum is the result of not setting boundaries to begin with; you find yourself unhappy with how you are being treated and you are focus on changing your partner’s behavior. The crucial difference is that boundaries come from a solid place inside of you, whereas an ultimatum comes from a wish about how things could be. It takes self-esteem to set a boundary, whereas most ultimatums come from a sense of desperation."
    http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?p=206
    My counselor once explained that its good to be clear about what I needed in my boundaries, but to remember that Boundaries are extremely personal, to make them my own, and to remember that in my written Boundaries I am speaking to my husband----someone I love very deeply----and that I needed to be sincere and open with what I NEED. And what I NEED and will always need, is to feel safe in my marriage and in my home. Safety is the biggest priority.
    Need Further Assistance? (Because this stuff is still so confusing your eyes are glazed over and you want to pound your head into the table)
    The number #1 book I recommend to everyone, EVERYONE, is Boundaries, or Boundaries in Marriage, by John Townsend. This is the Holy Grail of everything Boundary related.
    Read it. Read it now.
    Excerpt straight from the book Boundaries in Marriage:
    "Boundaries are about self-control....
    A client once said to me, "I set some boundaries on my husband. I told him that he could not talk to me that way anymore. And it did not work. What do i do now?"
    "What you have done is not Boundaries at all," I replied.
    "What do you mean?"
    "It was your feeble attempt at controlling your husband, and that never works." I went on to explain that boundaries are not something you "set on" another person. Boundaries are about yourself.
    My client could not say to her husband, "You can't speak to me that way." This demand is unenforceable. But she could say what she would or would not do if he spoke to her that way again. She could set a boundary "on herself". She COULD say "If you speak to me that way I will walk out of the room". This threat is totally enforceable because it has to do with her. She would be setting a boundary with the only person she could control: Herself
     
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  2. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Did day 46 and today's date 47 sometimes it gets harder mostly it stays soft I wish I could put my dick in a box and mail it forward a hundred 20th day
     
  3. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    48 out of 60 on a 90 120
     
  4. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

    1,885
    1,197
    143
    I’m on day 55 it’s starting to get more difficult. Starting to feel horny again.
     
  5. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Breath pray solutions not problems it's your penis dopamine crack pipe you control it it does not control you
     
  6. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    I'm on day 49 out of 60 90 hundred 20 booyah
     
  7. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Today's date 50 out of 60 towards 90 towards 120
     
  8. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Today is day 51 towards 60 90 and 120
    Kind of tired right now just kind of making it through the day if there was a very longday a lot of driving a lot of sitting in the vehicle lot of discussion with me and mywife ended up sleeping in my own room last night cuz I just might impulses are alittle too strong butcompulsive crap
     
  9. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Today is day 52 of 60 90 120 I would rather put Icy Hot on my testicles and slap them with a ping pong paddle, then start over again
     
  10. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    today is day 53 of 60 90 and 120 hopefully everything is going to start getting a little bit easier soon I have a tentative right now then swap 1 deal for another by drinking a little bit too much the agreement as we only have like one or two drinks I've been doing like 3 or 4 when I'm feeling antsy or whatever so I'm trying to avoid responding to the urges so I shouldn't be I got to conquer that orders to that's all it is the same thing as the dopamine in my brain is trying to cover up for me I'm trying to use alcohol the cover up for not having to feel certain things too I remember feeling is human and it's normal
     
  11. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

  12. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Today is day 55 I feel alive and I will drive to strive for 90 and 120 and 5 more days I have 60
     
  13. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

  14. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Today is 57 out of 60 also doing a 90-day challenge and 120 day challenge and me and my wife are doing it together it appears I have this challenge in the bag or should I say balls on so fellas the trick to this is stamina, self self-preservation, will power and determination, dedication, commitment, finding a way to put your extra energy into other things like treadmill, weight lifting, woodworking, yard work, ride the bike, anything else but pmo there's a lot of other choices out there.
     
  15. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Day 58 out of 60 towards 90 towards 120 feeling things I've never had to think about thinking things I've never had to feel about I take this is called Flatline
     
  16. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Me and my wife are in this together 59 towards 60 towards 90 towards 120 maybe longer we the only married couple here or what?
     
  17. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Today is day 60 of 90 towards 120 little hard today for the halfway point
     
  18. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

    1,885
    1,197
    143
  19. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Thanks we must rely on god and ourselves
     
  20. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Today is day 61 both me and my wife are doing hardmode pmo I guess I'm discovering now that a lot of people are just doing p.m. I was under the assumption that a lot of people here were doing the entire thing pmo and it's hard for me to understand or contemplate that you can still do p.m. and still have sex but think that you're going to fix yourself I'm having difficulty with that. Are the fact that people are doing just p.m. and the end they have relapses that that blows me away because the one thing that I'm striving for is to just have sex with my wife as God intended it to me I don't want to masturbate and I don't want to see porn and I really haven't had any desire to do either.
     

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