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Married 41 yr old and PM has led me into a spiral of more

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by mtnboy75, Jun 16, 2017.

  1. mtnboy75

    mtnboy75 New Fapstronaut

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    Not sure where I really go from here, over the past 15 years of looking at and masturbating to porn, I feel has created a sex additiction in me. I have tred quitting numerous times and over these years and fall right back into my struggle and each time I fall back, I spiral down another level of acting out. In the past 4 years my PM has led me to looking for hookups outside of my marriage with women that I find on craigslist, KIK, or even off of making friend and followers on porn sites. I often find myself masturbating numerous times a day, and almost daily at work for 45 minutes over lunch. When I am not directly looking at porn my mind is so consumed with sexual desires, my day is spent trying to find hookups, answering CL ads, or trying to get my next O. My phone on average will rack up 20gigs of data in a month because of Porn and trying to act out. This is all despite the fact that my wife is willing to satisfy my sexual desires a few times a week. In terms of my wife, she is very attractive, brilliant and caring, and the hookups that have resulted out of my meeting Porn site friends, and CL ads are nothing when compared to her. My wife and family have remained in the dark as I feed my desire and fuel it with my porn watching. Recently it all came to a head when a married woman I had met online and hooked up with across the country while on a business trip, started to become emotionally attached to me. Earlier this week her husband found out about me, and that we had been communicating with each other, and not that we had hooked up, and sent me a personal email. In it, he had said he tried to call me and had left numerous messages on phones he found of me on a person search. I freaked out as I realized he had probably called my wife. Sure enough he had and I had gotten to her phone before she noticed and deleted the call and subsequent voice mail.
    My head and heart are a mess right now. This garbage of porn and its influence in my being and desires for me to make it real are destroying me and currently have the potential to destroy my marriage, my amazing family and my life. I don't know what to do...
    I have stopped PMO for 3 days. The O will be tough as I am married. I need an accountability partner and possibly more. Your thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated.
    Nervous here
     
    Flyhigh and hope4healing like this.
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. All of us have a story that has led us to a rock-bottom moment where we start to get help. Many of us have been in your shoes... many of us have totally screwed up our lives and we wonder if we will ever recover. The road ahead will be long and painful but there lies a time in the future where you can be healthy again.

    The first thing you need to do at the earliest opportunity is to find a therapist. Specifically one that deals with sex addiction. You are going to need to do some deep soul searching and discovery why this lifestyle is so attractive to you. Addicts use images/events/objects to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape negative emotions. You will need to discover which ones you are trying to medicate and learn new coping skills. You are also going to have to have some very intense conversations with your wife and it might be best to do it in the safe environment of a therapist's office.

    You might not like to hear this but the entire truth will need to eventually come out. Long term recovery is based on truth... truth with yourself and honesty with others. Recovery cannot be based on hiding, avoiding, minimizing, omitting, deceit, shame, embarrassment, or guilt. Addiction thrives where there is secrecy and shame. Only by shining light on the dark corners of our lives are we able to purge ourselves of the misery in which we find ourselves. However, blurting out the truth in your circumstance will probably destroy everything. You will need the help of a therapist to help you disclose in a carefully controlled method.

    I empathize with the amount of fear and dread the thought of disclosing brings you. An addict needs to take responsibility for their own recovery and accept the consequences of their past actions. The sad truth is that some people wait too long to get help and have to experience the painful consequences of their actions. But here is where you need to have faith. Faith that telling the truth will bring you freedom. Honestly, there will be pain, but there will also be relief when you unburden yourself.

    In the meantime, start educating yourself on addiction. Start by reading this introduction and follow the links. Read about the science of porn/sex addiction here. Start a journal in the age group appropriate to your age. Make a request for an accountability partner or answer someone else's request. You can read about my success story here. You can also read my online journal here. You can also read some good books found in my signature. If you live in a bigger city you might want to consider going to a Sex Addicts Anonymous in your area. Also, go see your doctor and get tested for STDs.

    Many couples have managed to work their way through their problems and saved their marriages. We can assist but our job is to help you address the root causes of your addiction, not help you to avoid the negative consequences of the decisions you have made. Think of this like getting cancer... you have a lot of painful procedures and surgeries ahead of you but there is hope that you will be cancer-free or addiction-free at the end of this process. I hope you find the information, advice, and support you need to save you and your marriage.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2017
  3. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    I agree you need professional help asap! Maybe also see if there is a sexaholics anonymous meeting that you can attend.
     
  4. Oh, this is so true. I have told my PA BF numerous times, that I don't care about the P as much as I do about the lying and betrayal. It is so important, in fact, that I will not stay with him, if he continues to lie, even if he gets totally PM-free.
     
    Bel and hope4healing like this.
  5. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    I think for the OP (given the position he's put himself in), if he is completely honest with his wife (about the multiple counts of infidelity) it will most likely result in the end of his marriage. On the other hand, if he isn't honest it will be much harder to recover from his addiction.
     
    Bel and Deleted Account like this.
  6. All I'm going to say as a newbie myself who finds himself at his own bottom with depression - and hope i dont sink any further - that i agree you need to find a therapist - absolutely seek out SAA (Sex Addicts Anon) if you can find a local group - and stay here - talk it out - I think you'll find great support here.
    This work is so very hard - community is essential - and we can reengage with life.
    I wish you all the best - and hope we can support each other in the days and months ahead.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.

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