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Marriage Advice?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by OntheSurf4ce, Apr 26, 2018.

  1. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    Hi All,

    Just wanted to reach out and see if any fellow PA's or Spouse's have any advice on how to best deal with my ongoing addiction in marriage?

    I tie the knot in 9 days and i'm counting the days down. I have unfortunately reset my counter to 0, which means I did in fact relapse this morning. I must say, I made it to a 27 day streak before relapsing, which I'm patting myself on the back for, because that's the longest I've gone in about 3 months. My longest streak was 60 days but that was 7 months ago. I'm mostly down on myself because I relapsed so close to tying the knot.

    I know the reason why i relapsed, and it's a terrible excuse, but it's true. My Fiancee and i have been abstaining from sex for the past 30 days because we wanted our wedding night to be special. Before the abstinence, we usually had sex about 2 times, sometimes 3 times a week, which is a perfect amount for both of us. I think that I just couldn't take not having a release that I dove into P, which I knew was wrong. We have both been dealing with stress lately. We just moved into a house this past weekend and i think that, on top of finishing up wedding plans, I just kind of "snapped" if you will.

    I don't feel terrible BECAUSE of the relapse I know that since I made it 27 days without P, that I can do it again. I've made amazing progress from where I used to be. I'm feeling terrible because I did it SO CLOSE to tying the knot with her. Like, I REALLY COULDN'T WAIT 9 MORE DAYS!?
    My fiancee knows of my PA and is my AP and she already knows that I relapsed. She's a tad upset with me, which I can understand because i went 27 days and then relapsed. She's been more supportive than anyone i've ever told.

    I just want these next 9 days to be a clean slate for me and I want to start and continue my marriage off right. Any advice or insight from fellow PA's and Spouses?
     
  2. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    You need to ask yourself what caused your relapse, why you did it and what you are going to change in order to prevent it from happening again. You owe it to yourself. If you don’t come up with good corrective actions to follow up on, you need to continue asking why. Once or twice may not be enough. Sure moving and marriage can be stressful, ask yourself what you can do differently to relieve that stress in a healthy way. You have to find new ways to deal with the stress, new coping mechanisms that work for you. Keep trying new things until one or many stick, and keep doing those. Stop doing the things that don’t help your recovery, consider putting on restrictions to your browser and phone if you don’t have the willpower to fight your urges.
     
  3. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    pretty close to slamming the BS button on this...

    I think a lot of us use "release" as an excuse... maybe it is, maybe it's only 50% of the reason, maybe it's just an excuse. I havnt' decided yet.

    I am pretty sure though that there's almost always more going on. I'm encouraging you to dig deeper. don't stop the introspection at "needed release" and call it done. maybe you're worried about the wedding? worried about PE since it's been so long? maybe the commitment is causing you anxiety? maybe you're afraid your PMO will fuck up the marriage? maybe....

    I don't know you yet, so these are all just guesses, ideas at the sort of things that might be the real issue...

    Keep digging my friend!!!!

    HTH
     
  4. AliceIce

    AliceIce Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like your excusing your relapse like it isnt a big deal. Are you serious about over coming your problem or just white knuckling. Your abstaining from sex for the wedding and stress made you P, what happens when you have a baby on the way and your wife is on pelvic rest? Will it be okay then to relapse too?
     
  5. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I call BS too. Porn/masturbation/release is Not A Need. Sex is not a need as @SuperFan once said. You can control yourself and choose a different activity than your addiction. I second @phuck-porn! on looking deeper. Also, if you haven't ever made it 90 days... is it possible to postpone the wedding? Entering a marriage is one of the biggest decisions a person can make, and making it in the midst of addiction...when thinking isn't always clear might not be the best decision.

    Are you sure she is only a tad upset because I think that is down playing it. I am an oddball on this forum, I married my husband knowing about his addiction. But I married him knowing he was 1.5 years clean. If he wasn't at least 9 months clean I wouldn't have married him. It's good to know entering a marriage that the addict can achieve long-term sobriety. What if you guys get married and you're at this three years down the line? She is crushed and devastated because she thought you would change, you're depressed because you feel like a failure, etc.

    Just take a moment, reflect, think, and discuss with her openly and honestly about what happened, the deeper reason for relapse, and see her real feelings on this. I can't imagine a fiance who plans to get married in 9 days being a tad upset. I think she might be more disappointed than she may have let on. Just some things to think about. Not saying that is the case, but it's good to 100% make sure.
     
  6. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    miss him.....

    not in my book!!!!
     
  7. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    I did almost the exact same thing before I got married, I think it was 7 days though. And guess what, 3 years down the road as @AnonymousAnnaXOXO said, I was still dealing with it, my wife was depressed and devastated that I had betrayed her so much, she felt worthless, I felt like a pig, and I will never realize fully the pain that I caused her because of it. Don't take this lightly. This will literally ruin your marriage if you continue it. You must deal with it now. If you think of O as a need, you will always be a slave to it. You don't need it, you don't have to have it to live.

    Trust me, don't walk down the path I did. I wish I had someone back then to punch me in the face so I could straighten up, because the pain and damage PMO causes is truly awful.
     
  8. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Completely agree!

    @OntheSurf4ce my son is 4.5 months old. My husband and I had sex 4 months post birth. So 4 months of no sex (not no sexual activity) but no sex. Can you deal with months of no sex when a baby is born? The minimum waiting time of having no sex is 6 weeks postpartum.

    These are very real things that you will eventually face if you guys want kids. She shouldn't ever have to worry about you relapsing while she is pregnant or post.

    Again, just really think about this. Marriage is a HUGE decision and you don't want to regret it years down the line if you can't stay sober for more than 60 days -you'll feel defeated and your wife will be destroyed. Not how you want a marriage to go. Much better to wait until you've hit 90 days sobriety and kept that up and proven to yourself and your gf that you can achieve sobriety.
     
  9. I try to only give advice when asked and in this case you have asked. I mean this as constructive criticism and I hope you take it as such.

    This expectation of 2-3 times per week sounds like an entitlement. It also sounds like you are "forced teaming", making something that is just about you into something that is about the both of you. Also, if you are bringing this expectation into the bedroom, that is, if you consider the sex you have with your fiancee as satisfying a need of yours, you preventing true intimacy (not giving, not receiving, just taking). That is selfish.

    Like others have said, in marriage or any long-term relationship, there are dry spells. Partners get sick, stressed, go on work-trips, whatever. You must work through this entitlement or it will keep coming up again and will cause damage to yourself and the people close to you.

    Know this: every single action you take in life affects someone else. Learn how to think of the impact to others before you act. Also, learn the difference between wants and needs. Sex is not a need. It's great and all but it's not food or shelter. And finally, just remove the word "excuse" from your vocabulary. There are no excuses for acting out.

    I hope this helps. Peace to you in your recovery,
    -Quinn
     
  10. Quick follow-up. I also want to give you kudos for coming here and being honest and real about where you are, what you did, and the thinking behind it. It takes a lot of courage and willingness to come here and get the tough love smack down. It might not have been what you wanted or expected to hear but I hope you benefit from it. As I have said in other postings, every time I used to call my sponsor (that's how I worked recovery at first), he would lay me flat with a criticism that I just did not want to hear. I hated and loved him for it. I knew he was that way and that's why I picked him. Because I needed it.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    BS flag here too. This is your excuse today. What will it tomorrow? Or after you're married and having sex often? Chaser effect and she wasn't available? Or she doesn't want is often as you? Or she has a baby and can't? Or a medical issue and can't? Or your lives get busy ? Or, or, or....

    Dude, do your fiancee a huge favor and postpone the wedding until you get your head on straight. You are going to break her heart and wound her deeply. You are already sending the message that she is not good enough to wait for. If you love her, you will not marry her right now.
     
  12. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, i second this! Perfectly stated
     
    wontwatchpornanymore likes this.

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