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Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Saskia, Oct 20, 2016.
Loved reading this. Well done!
You are learning to reverence yourself and the dignity you hold as being made in the image of God. The realization that we would never take the altar chalice to the pub.
It's late, so a quick check in only. Busy day with the kids, as usual. Some strong urges in response to emotional distress. Had a mildly triggering situation occur which I will need to address. Just summoning the will, really. I was called on my rationalization, and will act. I just have to overcome some final reluctance.
My parenting is a struggle right now. I feel like a crazy, shouty mum all the time. We de-stressed at the beach this afternoon, but the evening was rushed following. Missing Mr S as part of the team..
Another day done. Yay me, yay us. Keep going, wherever you're at. The only way is forward.
Today is proving CHALLENGING. It's early and there is a bad energy in the house. I'm under slept and cranky. Mr S blew up before he left for work. Kids are antsy and unco-operative. I'm hiding elsewhere in the house.
This is my life. I have to live it. No one is going to rescue me. My responsibilities will wait, no matter how long I ignore them. And the longer I wait, the more urgent the demand when I finally face it.
So, I will say no to the option of escape into PMO. It's dirty and ugly today, but I commit to being present at the coal face.
“I want to run. To do what I always do, have always done, for the last five years of my life. Escape, flee into the shadows. But this time, I stand my ground. I'm tired of running.”
― Marie Lu, Prodigy
Stay Strong My Friend.
Don't give up guy we so much better than this
I am sorry, team. I fell in the pit. Mr S took the kids out in the late afternoon when he got home, and my self-control left me. I binged, twice. It wasn't the nice stuff I sought out either - I was after a big high, which I got. The crash was just as steep. I'm tired of myself, I really am.
Nvm dust yourself off success is close b positive
I'm going to write a few more things about today. One, I ate too much. Lots of carbs, leftovers from last night's dinner. Mindless, stupid eating. Physical comfort of another kind. Ugh.
Two, I feel very trapped during school holidays. When I am tired, managing my family feels very hard. I have people around me demanding things all day. I am very susceptible to escapist behaviors.
I don't write these things as excuse, but as analysis.
Hi Saskia, I pop into your log now and again, and i can see there is a lot of positivity and support in here which is nice to see. Sorry to see how your day unfolded. When i read your post my heart felt for you. Ive been through some rough times with it recently, but its the feeling of being tired of me and the support i see in this community that keeps picking me back up again. Hope you find some peace.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with escapism. Nothing at all. The only problem with escapism is the method.
You always seem so harassed and worn down. How much time do you truly have to yourself? If it isn't enough, is there anything you can do to schedule some healthy escapism?
I have a similar problem. I always feel like I'm running late for something.
Non judgemental hugs.
Hi Saskia. You have a better day tomorrow - I wont PMO with you! Being a parent and living in family I guess must be full on. I dont know If I can say anything meaningfully constructive. Though I was very moved when you and andy wrote on my wall the other day. Inspired.
Escapism is regarded negatively. One cant escape oneself - thats where the discomfort is I guess. There is freedom from the discomfort when we can disidentify which those thoughts feelings which upset us. Which I believe is possible. And Sane. Ach if thats just waffle Im sorry. I just wanted to voice sadness you were upset.
As you said Tomorrow is a new day
Saskia, after having fallen into it, the pit has but one reason of existence: To crawl out of it. Let's do that together. Don't give up. Better days ahead.
Nothing worthwhile is easy. The reward of something is measurable by the effort. We push on through whatever is blocking us or bringing us down, and we find ways to get on the other side. Then something happens that gives us a bit of a boost: a child's smile, a lover's caress, a bit of sunset through the trees on a lonely path. And in that moment, you realize it's enough to take some more steps along your personal path. We are made to suffer, but the bits in between suffering can be stunning in its beauty, and make it all the more worthwhile.
Take time to remember the meaning of life. And if you temporarily forget what that is, you have only to look around you. Oh, lucky you...such wonderfulness is all around! Such joy in the giving you have! The quiet moments of peace, the riotous mornings, the baby's hiccups, the feral's nightly cacophony! Joy of learning something new, and the re-reading of favorite books. Of time well-spent, and spent time well appreciated. Of sharing your thoughts and dreams with perfect strangers, and sharing to you in turn. These are all worthwhile, these are the kinds of things that bring you up, these are some of the things that offset life's trials.
Such a special person to so many people. Carpe diem, my friend...
I'm really touched by all of you who've visited and encouraged me. I'm sure my response will fall short of how grateful I am, but let me try..
@Bigballs @stop&see , thank you for reminding me that this is possible, and that as a community we are here for each other. Failure felt very different when I was on my own, now I have, and can give, support. It does pick me up, and help me continue.
@waterworld , you had me at ach. Thank you for reaching out to me and understanding that just acknowledging another person's story and situation is valuable and powerful.
@MyNameIsX , and @Bolivar - you guys are a tandem team, showing me two sides of the same coin. Motherhood is the very definition of harassed, and also a very great joy. I need to see and express the beauty of my life, too, and self-care is a big part of that.
And to have you return so fortuitously, @seventyniner , gives me a real boost. Thank you, for helping me as you always have x
Today has been pretty good. My AP has put me on to a new way of eating, which is helping me with focus and self control. I've had some urges today after sex last night where I failed to O. Not so much a failure, really, I just didn't want to "chase" the O and was happy just to enjoy the sensation.
So, another day with good and bad. But still going, for all that. Thanks, team
Oh, and @Tiny antelope and @Credo are on the same day count, I think. Let's push on together
Sounds good, time to roll up the sleeves and get to work. Lets do this
Its important to your children's development that you appear to be able to keep on top of things. If they spend their entire life seeing their mother falling apart and turning to self destruction just to barely keep it together, they're going to learn a lot from that and it isn't going to be good things they will learn.
That's the sort of subtle thing it can take a very, very long time for them to unpick if that's all they've ever known.
This forum is a great place to fall apart.
We can put everything out there, so we don't carry it around with us in our day to day lives.
I think you're doing a great job Saskia.