Making a Better Marriage

Thanks, man. Glad I'm not the only one. I even catch myself feeling covetous when I see posts on here about SO's having higher libidos than their PA partners. Gah! But I know that's bad thinking, and paints my wonderful wife in a bad way.

 

Yes, getting out of your own head and surrounding yourself with other people definitely helps. In my case, I was in the middle of work, so it wasn't really an option. Historically, it would have triggered me to self-soothe with PMO. I ended up texting my wife and telling her about it, and that helped. That and going on a prayer-walk helped me re-focus.

 

Day 18

Not much to report since yesterday's late post. I had an early start today, as I'll be leaving early for a long weekend getaway with the in-laws. Should be a nice time. I pretty much ruined the last vacation with them for myself due to my SA, so I'm looking forward to having a more healthy time not focused on that.

PT again yesterday. My back pain is mostly gone! On Monday, the therapist adjusted one of my ribs, and said something really got moving. I still have some persistent, chronic neck pain. Hopefully with more consistent exercise and strength training (part of my 'dailies' for my challenge), it will improve.

Went on a run solo first thing today. Tried to pray during it, but my thoughts were a bit muddled. I'm still holding on to something I think, perhaps the hope for a more fulfilling sex life in the future (after kids are more grown). I think the desire for that is OK and reasonable, just not helpful to me right now.

EDIT: Forgot about my 'feelings inventory':
I feel: slightly empty with hope for the future

 

Day 22

Been a few days, as I've been on a long weekend vacation. Nothing too special, just a weekend getaway with the in-laws to a cabin in the woods, near a lake. Lots of kids running around. It was a nice time, but a little cramped.

My attitude the first day of the weekend was awful. I was expecting a little more privacy with the bedroom arrangement, but as it was there was none (in a camper with kids above and to the side). Also, there was little comfortable furniture in the cabin. Finally, I had forgotten to bring any of the (several) books I had intended to read. All of this was manageable and not really a big deal in the end, but I refused to let it go. I didn't act out with any PMO, thank goodness, but I still sulked around like a big baby. By the second day, I was over it and managed to enjoy the rest of the weekend.

One thing I've been realizing in this journey is that one of the desires I had been attempting to satisfy with PMO is a desire for physical connection. Not necessarily sex, but touching & being touched. I am a very tactile person. My wife is NOT. She gets touched all day by kids and does not want to be touched when she is trying to sleep (both very reasonable results of childcare). However, this (in my mind) leaves me in the lurch with unsatisfied desires. I think I could go without sex for a long time even, as long as I could touch her and bring her to O. My mantra til now has been "I don't need sex to be happy", but maybe it needs to be "I don't need to be touched to be happy". Is that reasonable or even possible to believe? I'm thinking no, but I just am not sure. I'll talk about it with my therapist tonight, I think.

So far, still no desire to PMO. I think I've been smothering my wife with touching, though. So maybe need to dial it back somehow. I just don't know how long I can take it.

Also, I've managed to talk through most of the above with my wife, which previously I would have carried alone. It definitely felt good and helped my attitude improve to air it out with her, even though it makes me look rather pitiful.

I feel: Needy, unsatisfied, and pitiful/weak.

 

Day 23

Yesterday was a good day. It felt good to get back to the normal routine after vacation. Work went well and I had PT afterwards.

Last night I had my 2nd therapy/counseling session. I'm finding more respect for my counselor the more I meet with him. He's someone I would aspire to be like (or at least how he presents himself to be). I got my first homework assignment - to find alternatives to PMO for how I relax, reward myself, and escape (replacement behaviors). Somewhere I have a list that I had come up with before, but I definitely want to revisit this as I've had a lot of introspection and reflection time over the past 3 weeks.

One thing that my counselor said that rings truer the more I think about it is that "every pleasure has a price". The only good pleasures are those that you pay the price forward for. For example, the pain of resisting PA/SA is the price of future, undefiled pleasure with a spouse. Conversely, giving in to PA/SA results in a price you pay after the pleasure, which is even worse because you cannot control the price. Very interesting concept, as it can apply to many things in life.

I confirmed with my therapist that abstinence was a good approach to recovery, initially. I was wondering how long he would recommend, and he basically said until my SO is ready for it. He said it gives her back the control I have taken for myself. It seems like he is only considering how long it takes for her to heal, rather than how long it would take for my brain to 'reset'. But I guess there's not great science behind the '90 day' concept anyways. I hear some people throw around even longer time periods. As before, I'm still somewhat up in the air for how long I want this to go on. I'll be happy with 30 days minimum.

My SO and I took a love language quiz, just to see where we land. Mine is physical touch (go figure), and hers is quality time. Nothing surprising there. But it's definitely something I have a lot to work on.

I feel: resolved to love selflessly

 

Most of the bad things we do are done to try to satisfy otherwise good desires. I'll look into reading this book, it seems to address a lot of the areas I would like to grow in.

I realize that I do this a lot, without thinking about it. Maybe it would help, but it's never the same as someone else touching you.

Good words. When I brought this up with my wife, she wanted me to decide when that would be, based on my progress. But I think you're right.

Haha, thanks. It feels like a mess. But I definitely feel like I'm moving forward.

 

Day 24

I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I had a high point on Monday after meeting with my counselor and feeling like I could tackle the rest of my life. Yesterday I felt motivated to love my wife & kids without regard for my own pleasure. Then last night, the old familiar feelings of discontentment started creeping back in. I tried to sleep despite it, but couldn't, so I played some video games for a couple hours. It didn't really solve anything (I didn't expect it to), except to make me tired and postpone the feelings. I slept, somewhat fitfully, then awoke to a generally better mood, but still melancholic.

I know these feelings are a direct result of the years of PA/SA, and I cannot trust them or allow them to take root. My fear is that they already have, and I really need to be rooting them out. The other twist of this is that I feel bad revealing these struggles to my SO, as it just makes her feel helpless and inadequate. I think I need to come up with a more helpful way of sharing this with her, rather than just saying, "I'm struggling with feelings of discontentment". Brutal honesty is a bitch.

Yesterday went pretty well otherwise; I went on a run in the morning, which always makes me feel great during the day. I don't know why it's taken me so long to make this a regular habit. Anyway, work went well, got lots done and stayed on task most of the day. I had a nice time drawing with the kids after dinner; another activity that I enjoyed earlier in life that I never really kept up (thanks, computers, and #adulting I guess). Bible study in the evening went well. I always enjoy intellectual stimulation like that, but I don't know how much it actually helps me in my life; application almost always eludes me.

Last night I intentionally spent a lot of time listening to, and looking at my SO. I'm trying to improve the way I try to love her via 'quality time'. Nothing much so far, just keeping devices out of the way and trying to make her feel the center of my attention. I actually enjoyed doing this; whereas in the past I've felt 'itchy' to go do something else (escape on my phone, have sex, etc.).

I think the discontent feelings were stirred up by some posts I read yesterday here on the forums. There are so many people here that have SOs with higher sex drives than my wife, and it's something I really struggle with jealousy and discontentment over. I read some posts about how much sex people are having and how awesome it is when you aren't fapping. That's great and all, but I'm not getting much myself (well, hard mode and all for now, but after that...what?). I know it's totally selfish, and looking at it that way diminishes the gift that sex is, as well as reduces my wife to an object. But that's how I feel, and I need better ways to both guard myself from those feelings as well as deal with the feelings (rather than just escaping). I think I need to be more careful here on the forums about what I choose to read. I want to be helpful, but don't want to steer myself down roads that aren't worth it, both for me and my SO.

I feel: struggling for contentment

 

Watching a video posted here. This speaks directly to my struggles with discontentment. I think I'll need to listen to it a few times. I love how universal and profound this is, and fits right in with a Christian worldview.

 

According to the quiz, my top three were pretty closely scored: physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time. Hers are quality time (by a large margin), words of affirmation, and acts of service. I found the verbal affirmation for myself to be somewhat surprising, as I don't tend to offer that to others (usually we love the way we want to be loved). But I do love it when people complement me (even though it does make me socially uncomfortable receiving it).

We both enjoy quality time, and that has been something we've more consistently connected via over the years (even through my PA/SA, despite being an obvious barrier), so that will (continue to) be our go-to for the time being. I can only hope that as my recovery progresses that I will have less dependency on feeling loved through physical touch. Maybe she will find desire at some point to increase her "output", but I neither want to depend on that hope nor objectify her by seeking it.

Thanks for your input! One of the things I've appreciated most about this community is the intermixing of PA/SA and SOs. There's really nothing like it IRL (except perhaps small support groups), and really wouldn't be appropriate in most cases.

We have a date tonight (first since DDay), so with plenty to talk about I hope it goes well and we don't get bogged down in some of the negatives of the past few weeks.

 

Yes! I've directly asked her to do this more, and she's much more comfortable doing that than outright sex. It definitely fits the bill for me, even though I still desire more. There was very little cuddling last night, so that perhaps exacerbated my bout of resentment (not her fault, by any means!).

 

Good points - love goes both ways. However, my ideal for love is to be able to love independently of the other. This is a much more difficult thing to attain (if even possible, which I don't think it is, but something we can strive for). In other words, if a hurt is done, it does not cause you to inflict more hurt. And an increase in love can and should spur better love in the partner, but this can also be built up independently through self-sacrifice.

 

Day 25 (PMO), Day 30 (PM)!!

My SO and I think that 30 days will be enough of a reboot for me. We'll see how my 'rollercoaster' goes in the next few days. If it goes well without any red flags, I'll change my counter back to the PM/sobriety counter. I think that my PMO addiction may not have been as severe as some others here, in terms of intensity (2-3 times a week, on average; at it's worst it was 1x a day).

Work went fast yesterday, and I was very on-task. It's always nice to leave work right after finishing a task and passing it off (clean-cut). I was also looking forward all day to the evening dinner date. PT after work also went fast; neck has been more aggravated over the last two days, not sure why. Maybe I've been too focused at work and not getting up enough.

Dinner was great! We were at a busy taco place with a bar and loud music, but were still able to hold a conversation and had 'quality time'. Maybe drank a little too much, but we were able to walk it off afterwards. Came home right at kids' bedtime and had more conversation before bed.

Nothing much more to report. I'm feeling in a good place, like I can handle life even if my every craving isn't satisfied.

I feel: content