Major anxiety about self and performance

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Orpheus12, Jul 2, 2019.

  1. Orpheus12

    Orpheus12 Fapstronaut

    Hi all. I’m 25 and have never had sex, nor have I had any significant relationships with girls. I worry now, admitting to myself that I have a porn addiction (albeit one I think I can control) and unwanted sexual desires and fetishes along with a good 9 years of being used to masturbation as my only means of getting off, that I physically won’t be able to have sex with a girl, even if the opportunity arises. Put it together with depression, general lack of self-worth and social isolation (I haven’t had friends in about 9 years), I feel I have no future. I have done some nofap before. I managed a month, now I want to get back into it.

    Have I destroyed my chances of actually being able to have sex because of porn and remaining a virgin for too long. I also have this fear that people know I’m a virgin without me even saying it, and that girls will know it too. Maybe that’s a sign of mental illness. I don’t really know what else to do : (
    iwillbestrong123 likes this.
  2. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Hey there!

    A few things to clear up before moving on: no one but yourself cares that you are still a virgin. It's not that important, it's not a sign of maturity or of immaturity, it's just a life situation that can change at any time. And, just as you can't identify what's in a girls head, also the girl cannot identify that you are a virgin; that stays in your head. That doesn't mean that it's a shameful thing, on the contrary, it's just a situation. It doesn't say anything, in itself, about your character.

    Depression, PMO and lack of self worth/social isolation are all intertwined. You probably developed depression before PMO, lack of self worth is a manifestation of the depression, just like social isolation.

    Emotional pain and disconnection from society/people/self are the leading cause of depression. Disconnection from society can happen when you're no longer mentally involved in your social activities, such as school/work. Disconnection from people occurs mostly because of social media nowadays (I'd call it anti-social media, because it only makes us envy others and gives us mental anguish). Disconnection from self occurs when you no longer pay attention to your feelings/bodily sensations/emotions - this is the worst disconnection, because you may end up doing what you believe other people want, instead of doing what you feel you should do (the gut feeling).

    What you describe is not a mental illness, it's a life situation from which you can get out. It cannot be done overnight, it will take months, but it can be done :) - said the 37 year old that has been PMO-ing for 20+ years and is currently trying to solve his depression. You're young, you have future, listen to your gut more than to other people; if it feels right, it is right.
  3. DoppoOrochi4

    DoppoOrochi4 Fapstronaut

    You're in a tough spot not having any friends. The first thing you should do is hit up old contacts and become friends once again. It's only through group outings your chances of meeting a girl are doubled compared to just being alone in your room.
    iwillbestrong123 likes this.
  4. Orpheus12

    Orpheus12 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the responses. I have tried to renew ties to old friends, but unfortunately it left me bitter. We have both changed a lot in the intervening time and now have virtually nothing in common.

    I am off social media and that is good advice (I hated looking at it), but I don’t have actual social stuff to replace it. I lack hobbies. I’ve been considering doing something really random like a language class or browsing art galleries so that could be something.

    A big problem is that I cannot go on anti-depressants because one of the symptoms is ED and ED is exactly what has me so anxiety-ridden. I know you are saying I shouldn’t worry about sex so much, but I get the sense I’m losing my youth here.
  5. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Warning: long post

    That is a belief, and it's a very limiting one; this is not reality. It keeps you locked in overthinking today about losing your tomorrow and, since you can't get out of the overthinking, you will lose both today and tomorrow in your head with thoughts. You're very much in your head, it's not a criticism, but you should be more with your emotions; we are emotional creatures. I'm guilty of the same.

    You don't necessarily need to replace this with that. I dislike entirely the idea that we have to do something at all times or else we're failures; this is a belief instilled by society, that you're lazy and will ruin your future if you don't act now. This is the social media and the advertising conditioning: "feeling unhappy? buy my product". 10 most beautiful places to visit - what on Earth is that?!

    You are bored and feel lonely. These are normal feelings and they don't mean to say that there's something wrong with you. What society taught you is that these are not normal feelings, so you should seek to do something not to feel lonely and bored. Why? Blaise Pascal, a frenchman, once said that "all of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone."

    When you feel bored and/or lonely, just sit with that emotion. Notice how you feel, what is going through your body. I made a separate post a while ago on how to deal with negative emotions:

    Many of us are used to see the world through other people's eyes, to do things that we believe might make them like us. If the girl says she wants to go ride a bicycle, then I'd better learn to ride a bicycle! Why?! What if I don't enjoy riding a bicycle, do I have to ride it for that girl just to be accepted? Can't she accept me otherwise? What does my gut say about this?

    As example from my life, I only learnt to ride a bicycle this year (again, at 37); I felt it would bring me joy, never gave it the possibility in the past, it was a gut feeling (visceral), not the logical brain calculating the odds of getting laid.

    I'm pretty certain in your recent past you had some feelings about what might bring you joy; you saw something that made you pause and dream for a brief moment. Whether learning new stuff or doing stuff (hiking?). Think about those potential likes, let yourself feel the sensations coming from imagining doing that thing and see whether your body overall feels like it's expecting, wanting, desiring that thing.

    Again, as example from my life, my next hope is to pick up playing the violin. A long while ago I bought a CD with Mozart's music and fell in love with the sound. The violin concertos pacify me so much. One evening I imagined myself trying to play one of those concertos and I was surprised that my body became even more relaxed and I was, not so secretly, smiling. Maybe the neighbours will have to pay me to stop playing the instrument, but my gut says "this might be joyful!".
  6. Torace

    Torace Fapstronaut

    No, of course strangers can't know you are a virgin.
    However they definitely CAN read that you are desperate. Especially girls with the "women's intuition" and whatnot. This in turn make you more insecure and cause you to be even more desperate. This is called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
    The only way for you to stop it, is to acknowledge this cycle of irony and find the motivation to stop the evil conspiracy of your own brain against you.

    Only shallow people (bullies) will judge you for your virginity if you are not desperate. Look at monks (the type that doesn't have family). They can be virgins but still be respectable because each of them is good as a person.
    The only way to end this insecurity is not going out of your way to have sex. The negative part of your brain can simply find another excuse to make you miserable, believe me.

    THE WAY is to go out there and look for things that truly sastisfy you at-the-present.
    Cease overthinking and being scared of the future. I must tell you the truth that right now your brain is absolutely not qualified to have a valid vision for your future that is not yet another negative self-fulfilling prophecy.
    Desperation comes for thinking that you have explored ALL the solutions and they all don't work.
    You are desperate because you don't know nothing.

    An useful metaphor: You are like a noob gamer jumping right into Ultra Hardcore Mode. You are late to playing the game and want to catch up to your friends' skill levels, but really you are setting yourself for failure.
    Instead of making up ridiculous schemes to try to solve all of your problems at once, you should go out there and explore the "game of life" with a healthy curiosity and a little impulsivity.
    Only when you think you leveled up enough, do come back and start trying to get laid again, with your newfound experience.
  7. shamrock19

    shamrock19 Fapstronaut

    Hey man, in regards to you being a virgin, listen, the girl you end up with will love the fact you are a virgin, it really is not a big deal! The main thing you should be focused on now is recovering from this addiction, re-balancing all of your hormones and developing a quality mind set.. your 25, still young and there is time to beat this thing and your create the life you want to live! Say to yourself you will never pmo again and start implementing positive habits into your life. Decide where you would like to be in a years time, 2 years, 10 years.. and begin to make it happen my friend. if your social circle is limited, there is 8 billion or however many human beings on this planet (many of them in the same spiritual/life predicament as you/us) get out there and meet them, if you cant, there is plenty of people on this site including me who want you to succeed , speak to them... The main point is to begin creating the life you want to live... get to it mate! if you need a talk, give me a message.

    A fellow warrior.
  8. Orpheus12

    Orpheus12 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the encouragement. Straight up cold turkey is hard to make a reality. I would say since I signed up I am definitely masturbating less. (There have been low points where at least one a day is norm) but for about three weeks now it’s maybe been one every 3-4 days. I want to aim for only one a week as my next step and ensuring when it does happen, I’m thinking about normal sex with a woman, not something perverted.
  9. Yea, that all is pretty much me. I'm 28 right now. Virgin, haven't dated or even kissed a girl. Also been dealing with depression and social anxiety. Isolated myself from all the friends. Kind of feel like I have been wasting, and still am, my youth. Only difference is my worry of performance is not about ED but PE.

    I don't really have any advice for you, I'm still trying to figure this all out myself. Just wanted to say that you are not alone in this situation. For me I realize it's mostly mental thing; all the anxiety and fear. Maybe none of it is real, just in our heads? But it sure feels real! But I'm confident eventually we gonna get out of it. Cheer up man.
  10. Orpheus12

    Orpheus12 Fapstronaut

    It’s weird how two completely opposite problems can be caused by the same thing. Not only do I fear ED, but perhaps more I fear anorgasmia. Not sure what would be worse. Unable to even put it in or just humping away for 30 minutes unable to finish.
  11. Not being able to put it in seems awful, just as awful as being able to put it in but having to take it out again too soon...

    But that other part, for me it does not sound bad at all. In fact, I would like to have that! I am into semen retention, sexual energy transmutation and things like Karezza; that's the type of sex I would ultimately like to do.

    It's funny, because your fear is for me the ultimate goal that I am striving for; to be able to last long time and then choose to not finish and retain my seed for spiritual end energetic benefits. So that way I could practice nofap "Hard Mode" and still have all the benefits of it, while also having all the fun of sex. It's like having your cake and eat it too for me. Best of both worlds.

    I assume the fear of anorgasmia for you is shame, right? Well for me shame comes from not being able to satisfy her. Cos that's our job as men. But as long as that job is done (and for it to be done what is required are two things - erection and ability to last), the way I see it, she is not entitled to anything more. You don't have to explain why you did not finish. Maybe you choose to. If she is freaking out about somebody not being able to get it up or last long enough that's legit, cos her pleasure depends from it. But if she is freaking out about you not finishing, at that point it's about her insecurities, nothing to do with you.

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