Love Languages

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by BakJo, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. BakJo

    BakJo Fapstronaut

    My top love language is Loving Touch, with Quality Time being a little behind that. My girlfriend said hers are Acts of Service as well as Quality Time. We have a non-sexual relationship and don't live together, we're waiting for our wedding day to even kiss on the lips. We've been together for over 2 years.
    She is not much of a touchy person so that one is hard, but she's trying to work on giving me more hugs and not shying away when I initiate touch (It feels really bad to me when she does, which I have told her).
    We spend a good bit of time together, but it doesn't really count as quality time to me if she's on her phone a lot. I have asked her to be on it less when she's with people, not even just myself. When I ask her to put it away she just makes noises at me (which I find cute, but it's hard to have real conversations when she's distracted texting on her phone).

    What are some ideas for both of us?
    1. I'm having trouble thinking of Acts of Service that I can do for her since we don't live together. I do try to make her dinner sometimes when she comes over and pick things up from the store on my way to her house.
    2. How to bring up the put-the-phone-away topic again without sounding like whining/complaining? I'm not sure how it counts as quality time to her but it really doesn't to me. She did delete Facebook from her phone because she realized she spent a lot of time on it, which she didn't tell me before doing that and I was really proud of her for, it made me feel great when I found out.
    3. She did recently start taking hormonal birth control (To reduce the pain of endometriosis), and I've been in the flatline for a while, so both of our emotions have definitely been wonked out.

    (PS. I have a ring and plan on proposing soon. She expects to be more touchy once we are married. I don't think it will happen right away but I'm trying to learn to live with less)
     
  2. MonkMode [1Cor7:31]

    MonkMode [1Cor7:31] Fapstronaut

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    Hey man,
    I just want to say, I think it is excellent to approach Love the way you are doing it.
    Many of us have (being in secular culture) had lots of causal sex without love, and I honestly think it sort of damages us to do that. So props to you, and I hope your engagement and marriage works out, and when the physical stuff comes along it will be wonderful.

    1. Acts of Service: just a quick idea, does she own a car or bicycle? Maybe you can change the oil on it, or fill up the tank. Also, maybe just get her something like flowers or a treat (maybe that doesn't count.

    2. Smartphone addiction: if she can handle serious conversation, bring up that smartphones weren't in our lives until like 15 years ago. They offer lots of content that is designed to be addicting. So say that you understand that she wants to be on it, and look at all that content, but that it is getting in the way of your relationship. Maybe tell her about your addiction to Internet content (IDK if you've told her about your PMO stuff or this forum, kind of a big topic, tread lightly), and say "hey we need to keep eachother accountable, because this stuff will hijack our brains, and we need to fight this together."

    3. Good job putting yourself in her shoes, and realizing she might be having a tough time with the pill. Women I know say its a trip. With that context in mind, start slow and implement slow solutions. Maybe don't have any big conversations/acts of service until a few weeks from now.
     
  3. BakJo

    BakJo Fapstronaut

    Thanks MonkMode, both of us were raised in Christian homes and knew that's the kind of relationship we wanted even before we met each other. It's hard sometimes in the current culture but I know we can do it and have a deeper relationship because of that. It does make it hard sometimes because she doesn't like to have too much physical touch so we don't get too tempted, and I need that physical contact to feel really loved.

    I've seen a lot of people suggest gassing up vehicles, but there's not much of a chance to do so. I do woodworking as a hobby and make things for her every so often, but that seems more like gifts to me than an act of service. Maybe not though?

    I like your wording on that, I'm not that great with words haha.
    And I have told her about my PMO struggles, before I asked her out even. She's been very supportive of me working through it

    I try to understand things from her side as much as possible instead of trying to blame her for problems. She went on the pill to "try it" and see if it helped with endometriosis, and thinking back that's about when I first started noticing the issues I listed becoming a problem. It's also right about when she kicked me in the nose and gave me a concussion (long story, not her fault) and my brain has felt weird since. She probably won't be on it more than a month or so longer, then if the pain comes back when she stops taking it she'll have to have surgery.

    Thanks for the suggestions and taking time to reply!
     
  4. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

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    Forgive my ignorance but I see this term love language quite often - please can you explain what is meant it?
     
  5. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

  6. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Really encouraged by this post. You are doing it well to be thinking of this before marriage. One other recommendation: Learn on another's conflict management styles. You will have conflict; knowing this about one another will help you navigate it productively. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conflict_management_style

    I am an Acts of Service person myself. It does not need to be anything big. (And, no, gifts do not count. I loathe stuff and do not want more of it given to me! :) ) Anything she expresses needing help on, help! Better yet, ask her what you can help with or how you can be of service. She will very likely have some suggestions. :)

    If one of her languages is Quality Time, ask her what that looks like to her re: the phone usage. If you two are together a lot, maybe she just needs some wind down time on her phone and you are seeing her do that. My wife is on FB on her phone on and off all the time. If I think it's too much, I let her know and we discuss.

    I am not a Touch person, but my wife is. It has been challenging at times to honor her in this way, but it really does mean so much to get it right. Marriage will not be a cure for that, so be sure your SO knows this and adjusts her expectations accordingly. But I am hopeful that she will rise to the challenge just as you appear to be doing.

    Best wishes to you both! I pray for God to remain at the center of your relationship so that it will endure the tests of time.
     
  7. BakJo

    BakJo Fapstronaut

    I just recently found out about this and I'm hoping that we can each do the test for it and learn what each other's are.

    I try to make dinner for her or grab her snacks (she eats chips, I rarely do) when I can, but I'd like to find other ways that I can make her feel loved like this. It probably depends a lot on the person though which I'm trying to figure her out still! I'll be sure to ask her more often.
    I think Gifts might be a secondary one of hers, she seems to really appreciate the things I make for her.

    Since you're on the opposite side of this, what are some things you'd recommend? Are there certain things that are just TOO MUCH TOUCHING? A good way to tell her when I need more?

    Thank you! We have had Him as the focus even when we were just friends
     
  8. BakJo

    BakJo Fapstronaut

    The 5 Love Languages define the different ways people feel and express love best. Some people feel more loved when you clean the bathroom than when you give them a big hug.
    It can really help to be able to know how to show love to the people in your life (not even just significant others).

    Here's a good quiz I that can help you find out what yours are:
    https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
     
  9. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    You just have to ask or initiate. My wife will grab my hand to hold it when we sit on the couch together or lean over to snuggle. Or she will ask me to rub her sore back or her sore feet (she is a martial artist and has muscle aches from her workouts sometimes!). Unless I have a very good reason to say no, I say yes to any such requests or initiations, even though my natural inclination is to shy away from such contact. (Yes, even with my wife and even after 19 years of marriage. I am a cold fish, I guess. :) ) And she can do the same for you with her Acts of Service.

    If it gets to be too much, I gently disengage. If she thinks I am too disengaged, she asks me about it. Communication is key.

    We learned early on that neither of us make very good mind readers. So, if you want something, say something!
     
  10. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. Is this also a book? I think I have seen a few with this title on Amazon.
     
  11. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

  12. dustyastronaut

    dustyastronaut Fapstronaut

    Hey @BakJo !

    Just wanted to encourage you and say that I'm also waiting for marriage to have sex with my gf and we are still waiting to kiss. I was also raised Christian so I totally get your situation. As for me, I'm pretty lucky since my love language is words of encouragement, then physical touch and my gf's is physical touch so it isn't hard to provide that to her and she does the same which is great.

    As far as trying to do acts of service to her, I think you are doing great by even asking yourself how you can give that to her. Great initiative on making dinner and picking things up. Like you said, since you don't live together yet, there is a limit to what you can do but I would just keep up what you've done so far.

    I would just be honest with her about the phone. Don't sound pushy or whiny, but be firm in what you say, since that is how you really feel. I know it's hard, since it is so easy to just automatically default to going on the phone. I do this too. The thing I've learned about NoFap is that the dopamine reward system works with all kinds of activities, not just pleasure from sex or PMO. Dopamine is released all the time when playing videogames, watching tv/movies, and especially social media. This made me realize I need to watch out for all kinds of excesses in dopamine.

    Godspeed!
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  13. wheelgauge

    wheelgauge Fapstronaut

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    Just commenting here to say that I hope she will say "yes" to the proposing. It's hard to find someone that still wants to stay with one girl, since all people want to do nowadays is having countless sexual encounters. Good luck, man!
     
  14. BakJo

    BakJo Fapstronaut

    I'm glad there's others waiting too! I feel like a unicorn for it sometimes haha especially not kissing
    I know we can work with each other, we've always been good at communication
     
    dustyastronaut likes this.
  15. BakJo

    BakJo Fapstronaut

    Thanks, I'm pretty dern sure she will!
     
    wheelgauge likes this.

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