lost...i just don't know what to do

BrokenFlower · Nov 2, 2018

My boyfriend and i have been together for about 3 years now. He had had a PA since he started puberty. it was around the 2 year mark that i let him know how the P made me feel and that things needed to change. at first he claimed it was not a big issue, but eventually he agreed to change his habits. this didn't work and i constantly woke up to him using P on the computer for months. So i talked to him again, this time i shared a website with him that delved into the dangers of porn and how it effects your brain and all that. He finally told me that he understood that he had a problem and that he understood how it effected me. so at this point he tells me he will try to quit. come 2 weeks later and we have a bit of an argument because he is still watching P. we make up and start making love...and in that moment he reveals to me that through our entire relationship he has rarely ever just thought of the 2 of us while we were intimate. i had put all of my trust in him and this really tore me apart.

There is really so much more to it honestly. it has been months since it happened and he was even 'clean' for about 2 months after some relapses. but at this point, i don't feel like i can trust him. i have given him all the support in the world and managed to gather all the love and understanding in my soul that i can. despite this, he refuses to seek any serious help and tends to rely on himself alone. our relationship is steeped in lies and it's honestly killing it for me. he has fed me promise after promise that he hasn't done this or that, and even though i have that gut feeling, i believe him because i want him to heal and have that support. in the end it's all lies. lately we got in a huge argument over the lies and he was somehow 'convinced' our relationship was over even though we did not communicate that. he ended up relapsing hard and even contacted someone to hook up. and then today he said he had urges and needed to talk to someone. i told him that was good and asked what site he used (i thought it was nofap) but he told me he was using a site that has a lot of sexual content that he frequently used to hook up with men. this makes no sense to me and i can't help but feel like a stupid girl that wants something that will never happen.

i love this man. i want this man. he is a good man...i just don't know if it is worth the pain anymore. what is a relationship if you can't even trust the person beside you? i want this to work, but i am running out of steam fast. I'm just wondering if i should move on? when and how do i know it's time to move on? i wanted kids with this man...i want to love and learn and grow with him. but i feel like i don't even know who he is...and i just can't trust him fully. it rips me apart at night.

any advice is appreciated.

BrokenFlower · Nov 2, 2018

GhostWriter said: ↑

First of all, I would encourage you to solicit the Moderators and respectfully ask them to move your thread over to the “Partner Support” forum where it will receive better visibility and much more feedback conducive to your needs.

Yes, this is typically the case, and also it is most difficult to turn this around on a dime. It’s going to take a lot energy, patience, and time.

And we should always be careful of promises we cannot keep. It’s a lot easier to say we’ll quit than it actually is to quit.

OK, you need to understand that this is not about you. You had nothing to do with this. This is all addiction. I know it hurts like hell, but you have to remember, it has never, isn’t, and never will be about you.

There always is.

Follow your “gut instincts”. If it is telling you something isn’t right, it probably, it likely, isn’t.

I rarely say “never”, and I definitely don’t say “impossible”, but it is very highly unlikely that he can do this on his own. I give it a less than 0.1% chance of success.

You’re certainly not stupid. If you were, you wouldn’t have had the wherewithal to come here and tell your story. All this is indicative of someone who hasn’t made any recovery progress at all. But that’s no surprise considering he hasn’t yet reached out for anything that resembles legitimate support.

You can’t.

Only you can answer that. Logically, anyone will tell you to cut your losses and walk away. He is a boyfriend; not a spouse. Realistically, you have invested in this man.

DDay starts the clock. Generally accepted practice is not to make any major life decision for a full year post DDay.

Create your Boundaries & Consequences and execute them. If you need help with those, I’ll be happy to help you. This is crucial to setting the stage for your health and happiness and his recovery. You have to do this. It is that important. Note: These are not punishments or attempts to control him. These are rules you yourself must live by to maintain a level of safety and security in your environment. He can follow them or not. That is entirely up to him. You control the things only you can control. It is up to him to take ownership of his addiction and control his own. Focus on yourself and not on him.

Also, if you haven’t heard this before, this is so very important. You need to know that you are beautiful in body, mind, and spirit. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, you have done has contributed to his inappropriate behavior and actions. This is all on him. If you don’t remember anything else, remember that.

Let me know how I can help you. Please also go look up @AnonymousAnnaXOXO. She is a real intellectual powerhouse with lots of resources at her disposal.
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Thank you so very much. This means a lot to me that you replied. Thank you for your words.

Queen_Of_Hearts_13 · Nov 2, 2018

In my signature is a resources thread, and I made it for anyone who is new in this whether an SO or PA. I hope you find the resources helpful. This is a painful journey I would wish upon no one, and just know that you have Ghostwriter, me, and NoFap's community here to help, support, and encourage you!

Blacky's · Nov 2, 2018

Hey Broken Flower,
I wanted to share some thoughts about this:
First of all, the lack of love and appreciation you get from a PA Boyfriend has nothing to do with how you are or what you look like. That's just a fact. Nobody sticks to P because he/she finds something more fullfilling in it but because tha addiction pushes him/her torwards it. And those pushes are mighty, I do not believe that somebody can handle them on his own. I've tried lotsa different things, some worked, some diddnt, but doing nothing about it never helped at all.

So here's what: if he is not willin to do something about it, it will not change. If it wont change, your heart will break and you will have to live with that. I would not recomend you to pursue a relationship to somebody who is not working for it. But that's a very manipulative thing to say, in the end Ghotswriter is right and you gotta make your choices. Also I think changes can come with time and Relapses are normal, so falling back into habits doesnt necesarily mean that the battle is lost. If there are small steps, they are valuable, cause they are making a way. If there are no steps, there's isn't a way either.

I hope I was helpfull somehow.

Feel it, Sister.

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lost...i just don't know what to do

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