Lost Everything

I am 23 and was addicted to porn for 10 years. I was molested and raped by a family member at age 5. Though a lot is suppressed I remember a fair amount. I came to realize that it started innocently enough but quickly became a crutch to medicate sexual guilt and shame, feelings of worthlessness as a result of what happened to me a myriad of abuse and neglect from my step father and my peers. I lost my virginity at age 18 (almost 19) and knew immediately why I didn't enjoy it and why I couldn't finish. Unfortunately in my young mind this realization fueled my unresolved feelings and I wasn't able to kick it. A week later I slept with someone else who I fell in love with. We dated long distance for a time and moved in together. I hid this and many despicable details of my behavior for 3 years while we tried to figure out life together and grew even closer. She was the mother of my future children in my mind and the only one for me. When I was caught I minimized it, but attributed it to what I knew was the real problem all along and agreed to go to therapy. Still had my secret issue while getting therapy and didn't address it and wasn't fully honest. One day I broke down and told her a version of the truth. She told me she knows that I have been suffering and that I am not entirely to blame. She was there for me while I tried to kick the habit and explored myself more fully in therapy. I was a wonderful boyfriend and it was obvious I loved her deeply. I was wracked with guilt and disbelief about my situation and was angry my addiction-related thoughts were still present. It made me feel like I didn't deserve her love. So I became hyper-vigilant and turned my molehill into a mountain of even more shame by telling her every detail that popped into my head because I needed to be honest and needed to believe that I deserved to be loved and looked to her to accept me for all of my fucked up shit. I've become a part of her family and they were all supportive, especially her father. When I told her things she would assure me it was ok and that I was a good person and that I just needed to see it. I wish I had listened. She lost hope because I was basically a zombie for 8 months. She gave up and broke it off, saying the relationship has become toxic and unrepairable. I never would have given up. I told her that real love is not about feeling like you're " in a relationship " all the time and always being happy, that sometimes it's being there through the hardest times in someone's life. But she is now moving on and I can't. I still love her with my entire being. She didn't feel wanted or attractive or loved. Now I'm trying desperately to get her to see I do love her and always have, but she insists we need to move on. She told me yesterday when I tried to get her back that she feels fucked up from everything like I damaged her. It hurts to see her think this way of me when I thought she understood. The worst part is that she has every right to leave me and anyone could see it. I haven't eaten in days and can't stop smoking. I don't know what to do. I am staying on a couch at my friends house. Every day I wake up and my world crashes down all over again. I've lost everything. I'm not sure why I did this but I needed to share this story. The story I never wanted in my life but is here regardless.