Losing a Battle

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Drowning, Jan 12, 2017.

  1. Drowning

    Drowning Fapstronaut

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    I understand that this space intends to address issues regarding porn/masturbation addictions but I hope I can still post about my struggle with losing a battle to escorts.

    We are not a couple, yet or maybe never. However, I am deeply in love with this man for many reasons. He says he truly loves me too... and the only thing stopping him from committing to me is because he still hadn't gotten over his ex-wife. But was that really the reason..? (Summer 2016)

    One day, I was trying to checking my email on his computer. Normally, I switch to guest on his computer but I was groggy and irritated that my own laptop hadn't charged overnight. Before I finished typing in "gmail", the search bar immediately suggested 3 links. The links had led to a website called *name of website redacted* and I clicked on them all and they were escorts that he had hired within the past 3 months (since Aug 2016). Subsequently, I found myself looking through history since we met, since I visited him for a week and while I was living with him for a month... I don't care if any of you judge me for prying. He frequents the local backpages, other escort sites, porn sites, sugar dating sites, and the site mentioned above.

    The women he searches for are another race. He likes... big/nice butts. He tells me I have a nice ass but mine are nowhere near as... nice or big as the ones he hires. It broke me when I found out, and I still am broken about this. I didn't even know escorts existed up until this point... I was able to conclude that he is a hobbyist and regularly spends almost his entire paychecks on this. He always says he's broke but I never understood why, considering his hourly pay, work hours and not having to contribute to rent/utilities at home. He also complains that his life goes nowhere, crappy job, no new car, seems to be going nowhere in life... I wonder why??

    I believe his addiction to escorts is the true reason why he hesitates to date me and can't seem to move forward in life. However, I don't know how to deal with this any further. For 6 months, I find myself still in love with him, truly. Also, as a friend, I can't stand to know that he squanders his life like this. I've spent those 6 months with him normally, showing him that I love and care for him deeply while pretending I am completely ignorant to his secret life. However, I don't want to keep doing this. I want him to commit to me... I want him to move forward in life.

    5 days ago... I approached him about dating me once more. And once more he had yet another excuse, my depression. I will not elaborate further but deep down I keep telling myself its because of his secret addiction. I can't win. I'm terrified, he'll give me some grand excuse or just keep biding his time until I give up on him...

    I can't win, I want to save him... but I really don't know what to do, at all.

    Thanks for reading... Any insight, criticism or whatever would be appreciated.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2017
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  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    This is not going to easy for me to respond to. Unfortunately, this person is NOT boyfriend material. I understand that there are things about him that are desirable and lovable. But this man is a deeply flawed individual. It is not possible to have a healthy relationship with an addict... and it is recommended that people in recovery not pursue a relationship for many months after seeking treatment.

    You have already tried to get close to him and he repeatedly pushes you away. He knows he's not in a position to start a relationship. He knows he's sick and out of control. He uses lame excuses to keep you at arms length... don't take it personally, it's NOT you that's the problem... it's him and HIS addiction.

    I hear what you are saying: how can I fix him so that we can be together? Right? I'm sorry but there is no path that gets you from where you are now to where you want to be. Some of our suggestions would work on a husband or boyfriend but you do not have the leverage needed to move him to get help.

    You mention you've spent 6 months getting to know him and showing him you care for him. Normally, relationships start from small beginnings like this. But addicts are used to taking what is given to them for free and not giving back. Addicts only respond to the pain of withdrawal or the possibility of withdrawal. Addition steals the good parts from a person. The good things that are left will slowly fade away and leave you with only memories of what he used to be.

    A person who has gone through recovery possesses the skills needed to live a healthy life. You are in love with his potential... not who he currently is. In fact, he is hurting you by exposing you any STD's he might be picking up from these escorts. He is stringing you along because of the good feelings you inspire in him, but it doesn't motivate him to want to change. Right now he has the best of both worlds... you AND the escorts.

    Many times women show up here and they thought they could tolerate a little porn use by their husbands. But eventually they end up trapped in a relationship they cannot escape from. They have little or no family to rely on. They do not have any financial independence. They have children together. And there is no hope of things getting better. I know it will hurt to move on from someone you love, but if you can save yourself from a lifetime of potential heartache then now is the time to end it. If he had a desire to get better then we would have a ton of advice to give.

    One more thing, please do not take to heart the kinds of things he looks at online or whom he picks as an escort. You are a beautiful person with great qualities. That should be enough for anyone. Do not compare yourself to the fantasy. Many times even the escorts do not live up to the expectations addicts create within their own minds. If you compare yourself to the images that this mental illness creates then it will destroy your self confidence. Take it from us - you are enough for any man.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2017
  3. Drowning

    Drowning Fapstronaut

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    i_wanna_get_better1, thank you for your wisdom and insight. You are right, I am in love with his potential. He can be greater than what he is now... I know he can...

    What you said about withdrawal sort of made me understand his behavior a little better. He appears to get angry when I bring up a relationship because it would mean having to give up his addiction. I guess it hurts a lot to admit that his addiction is more important to him than I am... :/ my self confidence is already rock bottom because of this though.

    Despite what you say though, do you mind elaborating on what leverage would attribute to helping him get help? His mother wants to see him get somewhere in life, as do I so I genuinely want to help him regardless, but if its truly out of my power... then I will let it be.
     
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  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Most women come here and ask, "How can I get my husband/boyfriend to stop watching porn and be more invested in our relationship?" By this point the addict has totally taken their partner for granted. They give their SO the emotional crumbs leftover from their addiction. Addicts often do not respond to reason or logic. They will agree to anything, promise everything, and deliver nothing. It is all a ploy to make you go away so they can be with their addiction. Often SO's have tried to be more loving, more understanding, and more patient but without success.

    Loved ones will often try to stage an intervention if it was drugs or alcohol. They will often say how they feel, establish boundaries, and list consequences if they don't live up to them. They are fully prepared to carry through on their threats. Unfortunately, this addiction has been kept so hidden that only one or two people even know the person has a problem. An addict can easily fend off one person by tuning out, minimizing, shifting blame, shouting, arguing, etc. So it becomes even more difficult for an SO to clearly state that the status quo is no longer acceptable, that the addict needs to address their problem and be more present in the relationship, and list the consequences for non-compliance. Addicts surround themselves with a bubble of delusional thinking. Something shocking needs to happen to penetrate that bubble and wake them up to the seriousness of the situation. Addictions never go away on their own.. they always get worse.

    My wife threatened to move out, take our children with her, and tell everyone who asked the real reason why she moved out. That got my attention. Fear of losing everything can be a powerful motivator.

    Unfortunately, you possess very little leverage. He doesn't have that much to lose. He may even prefer going deeper into his bubble of delusion for comfort. All that's left is to talk directly and honestly with him. He may allow himself to be vulnerable and talk about his problems which might give you an opening to suggest his problem is not merely a bad habit but a full blow sex addiction. Emphasize that he is not alone and that there are lots of men going through his exact situation. Explain to him that the path he is taking does not lead to happiness and that his actions are compounding the situation. At this point, you got nothing to lose. If he continues then there is no hope for a relationship. So maybe the only chance you have to to stop being a friend with benefits and try to be just a friend who is interested in him getting the help he needs. Think about what you would say to a friend who is an alcoholic but substitute his addiction in it's place.

    Some people have chosen to write a letter because it is less confrontational. Some people do not like to argue and need to carefully pick their words. A conversation can quickly get out of hand but a letter can be saved and re-read later after things have calmed down.

    That's all the ideas I have for tonight. Maybe someone else can chime in with another approach.
     
  5. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    I'm going to defer this to someone who has experience. I will private message her and see if she'll reach out to you. She often comments in the SOS: Significant Others Support. That is a group I recommend to you. Not sure if her story is on the public forum so I don't want to speak out of turn. Try joining the group while I send her your story. Best wishes regardless!

    Group link: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?groups/

    You can request joining the group on this page.
     
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  6. Sojourner

    Sojourner Fapstronaut

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    Run like the wind. The ONLY person you can change is yourself.

    You have to ask yourself whether you are good enough to date a good man. If the answer is 'no', stop everything and work on yourself until the answer is truly 'yes'. Only then are you really ready for a great relationship. Sounds draconian but I wish someone had given me that advice decades ago. Might have significantly altered my life for the better. Good luck.
     
  7. Drowning

    Drowning Fapstronaut

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    i_wanna_get_better1, though I do not know what you and your family have been through... I truly commend you for doing what's right.

    Maybe when I am 100% fed up and devoid of hope, I will write a letter being as honest as I can... at that point, what have I got to lose? I'm terrified of confronting because I fear exactly what you said: "He may even prefer going deeper into his bubble of delusion for comfort".
     
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  8. Drowning

    Drowning Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! I will
     
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  9. Drowning

    Drowning Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, but what about a bad man? :/ he always says he's not a good person.... *sigh*
     
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  10. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    I_wanna_get_better always has amazing responses. Very true to the core and every time I read his post, it smacks me right in the face as a wake up call so thanks I_wana_get_better!
    @Drowning, my bf had problems with escorts and parlors too, it's what happens with sex addiction, porn alone can no longer fulfill their need for a high.
    I read what you wrote and I see myself in you, the desire to find love can blind us to the truths of our own reality. Reread what you wrote, if your sister, mom, friend was dating this guy, what would you say to them? Run as fast as you can!! The truth might be that you most likely have issues within yourself that you are unaware of (past trauma or codepency in your life?) and dating someone with issues makes you forget your own and feel needed and his hollow words makes you feel loved? Why else would you allow yourself to be treated this way? I'm sure you know in your heart you deserve better. Trying to save someone, bring them to the light, "if only he can see how much i love him because i do everything for him", it doesnt work that way with addicts, they are programmed to use people and things to satisfy their own selfish addictive needs. I don't believe addicts are bad people I believe because something bad may have happened along the way in their life they turned to bad things to cope and are stuck in this cycle. Staying with him, allowing this behavior, pretending it's not there is only fueling his addiction and keeping him in a fog. Why would he change If you are accepting it and he can continue to have his addiction and you. He has told you that he doesn't want to commit to you , does this mean your just a piece of as* that he claims to "truly love"? Is that the love you think you deserve?. He told you that you are not attractive like some of the escorts he's had, Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Someone who thinks of women as as* and boobs? And please do not take it personal, as hard as it is not to because no woman, amount of sex, nice as* or boobs will ever fulfill a person who's soul is lost. Sex addiction only escalates and it only leads to darker more extremes to get that same high.
    Try to think of why you love this man and if it's worth living a life like this, pretending the elephant is not in the room, living the way he is living, in denial. Before I can say more about him and his intentions I would have to say that I recommend if you decide to stay to let him know you know about his addiction, see what he says, more importantly, see what he does. Maybe he does want help?
    I can hear in your words how you want to save this man but you should save yourself first. I have tried your route and I know it only keeps the addictive cycle alive, for both of you. Until you can stop obsessing on how you can "help or change" him, he can not help or save himself because he knows he has you to fall back on. You said it, he has no job, no goals, complains of a crappy life and "no new car"? Really? a new car is going to clear up the rest of the less important things in his life like frequenting escorts?
    These are just my opinions on your situation based on my own experience and I see someone with a good heart that means well but is only going to get hurt. Try to read up on addiction, coaddiction and more importantly stay in contact with others, through this site or other support groups. Share your story, journal, go back and read what you wrote about what you been through or going through and maybe you will see your reality differently, you may see that you need to save and love yourself first before you can ever be in a healthy relationship because right now you are putting him before your own needs and he's taking advantage of it to keep his addiction alive. This man you are involved with sounds more like an opportunist and he has struck gold with you. Don't allow yourself to be one of his things to use. Be honest to yourself and him on the reality of what he's doing, how it makes you feel. If I were you I would run as far away from someone who has told you blatantly that he uses hookers and you don't compare to them, is still in love with his ex and he does not want to commit to you. How much more of a reality check is that?
    Feel free to inbox me or join the SOS group here, there's alot of strength, advice encouragement and support that can be given to you. I've lived in your shoes and I'm in a better place today but not quite out the woods. I can share more my story with you if you want and make suggestions. And as far as snooping goes, don't feel guilty, you came across something innocently that you are aware can endanger your own safety. But now you need to be open and honest with what you know or you have no one to blame but yourself for the continued dangerous, bad behavior and your living in this situation.
    Best of luck, hope you see you in the SOS group, feel free to reach out.
     
  11. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    Addicts use words to manipulate, especially when they know you will feel sorry for them and probably let them off the hook for whatever they just did that they feel guilty for . If he truly felt he was a bad person, why wouldn't he get help for himself? Or does he like being the bad person he is claiming to you. It's a manipulation strategy, I heard that song and dance before. Tough love is what most need beause they tend to play the victim card, the only victim in yiur relationship with him is you unfortunately 8 (
     
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  12. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    When you have to live in fear of being honest in a relationship because you fear the response it's not a healthy relationship. You are doing the very same thing the addict is doing, avoiding your true feelings to avoid conflict and change and burying your true self. Eventually the resentment and anger will burst and you will find yourself bitter for feeling used and hurt and it will be part your fault for not sharing the truth, just like he is not. Being with an active addict tends to make you become part of what they are to cope, as sad as that sounds, it's true.
     
  13. Drowning

    Drowning Fapstronaut

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  14. Drowning

    Drowning Fapstronaut

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    1/30 update: My birthday had been a few days ago, I had hoped that due to a certain website being censored, he'd limit his activities. I had also foolishly prayed and hoped he'd thought about us being together... because I'm an idiot, to hope for the impossible.

    However, he did decide to build a PC, where I hope the majority of his money is going. Again, nope. While spending the night, he left his phone on and went to the bathroom, I glanced over and I saw many random local number in the area, looks like brief correspondence trying to hire an escort, it was on the day he supposed was supposed to be visit his aunt and couldn't let me come over... that hurts to know... he's also talking to female coworkers and someone he simply named "Movie Gurl".

    I had spoken to another member and decided it might be best to talk about the "pink elephant" in the room, but I must wait until after we both take a trip to Boston in March, because we will be with mutual friends and I don't want to ruin any friendships before this trip happens. Afterwards, I will have to be prepared to risk losing him... and possibly being shunned from our group of mutual friends.

    In the meantime, I am trying to figure out the best way to approach the subject and whether I should talk to his mother.

    If I do talk to his mother however, I will directly tell her what he does... Instead, I just want her to give me an honest opinion on whether I should continue to try and date her son.
     
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  15. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    If those folks are your real friends they won't be picking sides and if they turn their cheek and think what he's doing is right, that would be questionable friends. Learn that you should be treated well by all the people in your life, him included. I'm glad you are finding some strength and some guidance with others on here. I know it's very hard to think of letting go of someone you feel such attachment to but you should protect yourself first, addictions are not an easy or safe thing to deal with, people who are in active addiction can do horrendous things sometimes, even if they may not mean to hurt you, they sadly do. But in fairness to him he has not been approached by this topic by you and maybe no one else so maybe he will be honest to himself about this issue now that he knows someone else knows and he may want to get help or he may just blow you offend continue. Either way, it is not your responsibility to decide for him, it will not work ultimately as much as you want to take care of him. Addicts only falter when they have someone enabling them and there is no real consequences. As for telling his mom, I'm not sure that's a good idea, your not his gf, will she trust you, can you really trust her? That's her son, she enables him now as is, will she make things better or worse, not sure if you know her enough to determine that?. And honestly, I don't think you should depend on her honesty to you on if you should stay with him, that is her son she will always pick what's best for him and not you.
    I wish you luck on what you decide, try to read up on addiction, it might help you better make a choice on what to do.
     
  16. WarRoom

    WarRoom Guest

    I am so sorry Drowning you are going this. From what I am reading, it appears you may have your own struggles with codependency. I would like to recommend the book "Codependent No More" for you by Melody Beattie. And a piece of adice...DONT put the book down infrustration and anger, it is NOT an easy read, especially for an active codependent (not saying you are, just know how I reacted at first and I am a recovering codependent). You have been added to my War Room prayers!
     
  17. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    I recently learned I am one too and recommended that book too!! I'm glad you're recovering yourself - amen to that sista! I find reading on the codependent helps as much as the addiction stuff.
     
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  18. WarRoom

    WarRoom Guest

    [QUOTE "]I recently learned I am one too and recommended that book too!! I'm glad you're recovering yourself - amen to that sista! I find reading on the codependent helps as much as the addiction stuff.[/QUOTE]

    AMEN Hanging by a thread! After 22 years with a porn addict, there is NO WAY on this green earth I would have survived without learning about my codependency. I shudder to think about it! An equal beast to the porn addiction. And I know from experience that until it is realized, whether you stay with the addict or not, rest assured you will pick another if you don't get a handle on it. Vicious, vicious, cycle.......
     
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  19. Drowning

    Drowning Fapstronaut

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    I am sure they are great friends, however the rift between me and the guy will be too obvious... He may tell them something else while I tell them the truth, why would they need to get dragged into this? There are so many concerns and it weighs heavily on my conscience

    Hey! Thanks for stopping by. I will see if my local library has it, if not I'll find a copy somehow... I will do my best to read it through. I am a student though, so time constraints may make it difficult. I'm not sure this is the best book to read will commuting on a crowded train lol. I have a feeling it will bring me to tears.
     
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  20. Once2Many

    Once2Many Fapstronaut

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    I agree with all of the comments about codependency. Although you say you love him, it is the ideal that you love. I realized that after I left my ex. I was so heartbroken and was telling my counselor that I miss my ex so much and he looked at me and asked what it was that I missed and listed off all the things that have hurt me. My counselor told me that if I actually miss him, then I also miss of the the horrible things that practically broke me. I never wanted to feel that way again and that was the reason why I left, because I deserve better and should never be put through all of that in the first place. My counselor made me realize that I was missing companionship, not the person so much. Yes I still care about him, but only after a couple of months of being on my own, I realize that I had an ideal, a potential, and expectation that I now had to mourn the loss of. No one deserves to give everything and receive very little to nothing in return, or to be insulted constantly by words and actions.
    You need to analyze why he is worth more than you? Because right now, you are showing that you believe you are not worth more than leftovers. Why do you feel you deserve this? Why do you think so little of yourself? These are some questions I asked myself from time to time to remind me of why I was leaving him. I am worth so much more than he could ever give me, and I never deserved any of the things he did to me and to our relationship. It's his fault, but it's your fault for staying and hurting yourself more. If you were in a marriage, I might have said to try to get him to see what's going on. But this is a life long addiction and it will be there years down the road. You aren't even "dating". Please ask yourself the tough questions about why he is more important than you and your emotional and physical well-being.
     

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