Looks like I misread the signals from her?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by 1978, Mar 14, 2019 at 3:49 PM.

  1. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Back in November I started going to an improv group once a week, and it's turned into one of the most fun things I do each week.

    There is a woman there who helps run it, and she is a lot of fun, with a lot of energy. The 2nd time I met her there (in January), she was touching me a lot on the arm and seemed to be being very friendly towards me.

    Anyway, I didn't ask her out or anything back then. I wasn't sure about her, and I wasn't sure whether she was just the kind of person who tends to be very friendly towards people. As I observed over the weeks that followed, it turns out that yes, she probably is just a very friendly, touchy-feely person.

    So anyway, the weeks went by, and I kept going to improv and having a great time, and she was having a great time too. Everyone was having a great time.

    About a month ago she added me on Facebook. We have exchanged some friendly messages, and over the past few weeks I did drop some hints that I might be interested in her. In fact, there was one particular bit of online banter in the improv Facebook group in which I posted a comment which I think made it quite clear that I was interested in her.

    Anyway, at the end of each improv evening, some of the people go downstairs to the pub to have a social drink together. I'd never joined them, partly because I have to drive some distance to get back home, and partly because noisy social situations don't suit me.

    But at the end of the last improv evening, when I went to thank her for another fun imrov session and say goodbye, she said to me, "Are you staying for a drink?" When I said no, she made a sad face, so I changed my mind and joined them in the pub.

    I almost instantly regretted it because I just don't enjoy those kinds of noisy social gatherings. But I stuck it out for half an hour and really made an effort to chat, etc.

    Then I said I should really get going, so I said goodbye to them and went.

    The next day she sent me this message.

    To which I later replied.

    To which she replied.

    To which I replied.

    Then a couple of days later I sent her this.

    To which she replied.

    To which I replied.

    To which she hasn't replied yet.

    Oh well, looks like maybe I misread the situation. It's a bit of a disappointment, but I had told myself that if she rejected me I would just continue on with my online dating efforts as I have been doing anyway.

    Also, I'm glad I know now. If I hadn't have asked her, I would have kept wondering and guessing. It was time to ask her and find out for sure. So now I can move on...
     
    IDabbleInPoetry likes this.
  2. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    One thing I did wonder about was whether she was put off by what I said about me not getting on well with noisy social situations. She seemed really at home in that busy social environment, and maybe she just wanted to get to know me socially in that environment. So, with that option off the table, maybe she was no longer interested?

    Or perhaps she genuinely is just going through difficult times and feels like she wouldn't be able to handle dating?

    Or maybe she just wasn't interested in me anyway?
     
    IDabbleInPoetry likes this.
  3. BravelyKegger

    BravelyKegger Fapstronaut

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    hmm you made it sound cringy when you said i am glad your glad, that sounds like something my middle school self would have said, when your texting dont put to much into it, and honestly texting is an awful place to ask that stuff, get to know her better and dont show any interest in her, just be yourself and be friendly, but do not have the intention of dating her, you kinda messed up a little bit so dont try anything else, just keep attending the thing and like i said, dont try being her boyfriend, stuff like that takes time.
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2019 at 5:48 PM
    IDabbleInPoetry and 1978 like this.
  4. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your thoughts, BravelyKegger.

    It's difficult to know how we come across sometimes isn't it? I think it can also be easy to get carried away.

    But at the same time, I do wonder whether if she had genuinely been interested then it wouldn't have mattered quite so much that I messed up a bit?

    Also, after thinking about it some more afterwards, I started to think that maybe we weren't suited to each other anyway. Sometimes we get interested in someone because we think they are interested in us, but actually they might not be a good match anyway.

    But yes, my intention now is to keep going to the improv group every week and pretend like this never even happened.
     
  5. IDabbleInPoetry

    IDabbleInPoetry Fapstronaut

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    She might still be interested in you and genuinely be going through a rough patch. If I were you I would let her know that if she changes her mind about going out on a Date (It's just a word be confident with it) then she should let you know, but of course until then you will respect her boundaries. Don't stop flirting with her and being friendly either, if she does like you it's important you stay the way you were before around her :) I wish you all the best with it my friend. Try to talk in person with her more often :)
     
    1978 and Starseeker like this.
  6. BravelyKegger

    BravelyKegger Fapstronaut

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    thats a solid plan, and i do understand what you are saying, good luck.
     
  7. Alaiza

    Alaiza Fapstronaut

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    It is possible that she likes you but she is not ready for starting something new. It is also possible that she likes you very much as a person but if she is going through a hard time it may be difficult for her to think about relationships.
     
    1978 likes this.
  8. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Don't play games or participate in other people's games. Don't try to decipher hidden signals. She might not even know what she's doing or even know what she really wants.

    What does it mean when she does this or that? What does it mean when she says this, but not that? Why did she do that when I said this? Why did she say this when I did that? Should I say this in order to get her to say that? Should I do this in order to get her to do that? Maybe I should pretend to not be interested, but actually be interested? Maybe I should hold back because she seems uninterested?

    None of that shit matters. All of that is walking on egg shells, playing it safe, and trying to convince her to be interested.

    What matters is what you want to do or say. She's either interested or she isn't. The more bold and clear you are with your intentions, the more clear she'll be with her level of interest towards you. If you want to play not to lose, hesitate, don't take risks, and only take action when you've secured some magical signal that guarantees success, then you'll be playing the guessing game for a long time with her.

    Do yourself a favor and don't waste your time with immature "I like you, but I won't really show you unless you show me first" type of bullshit. People waste so many hours / days / weeks / months / years trying to decipher signals waiting for a clear signal for them to take action, but that clear signal doesn't happen without you taking a risk and being clear with your intentions as well.

    She either wants to or she doesn't. If she does, then show her that she better step up and show it or you're moving on. If she doesn't, then show her that you're not the type of person who wastes time with people who are flaky with their intentions. Don't waste time on convincing unavailable people to be with you. I personally only invest in people that are excited to receive what I have to give and are excited to give what I want to have. You can't have that without expressing yourself honestly and doing / saying what you want without waiting for guarantees.
     
  9. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it :)
     
  10. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Excellent advice! Thank you very much indeed! :)
     
  11. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    The ironic thing is, since I've had time to reflect on this, I have started to feel a bit like I dodged a bullet.

    I started to get a bit interested in her because I thought she was interested in me. After all, I am single and doing NoFap, so when I sensed there was the possibility of some man-on-lady action, I took interest. But actually, the more I think about it, the more I realise we're probably not suited to each other.

    She's much more extroverted than me, to the point where it could actually become annoying if I was around her too much. I want someone who's a bit quieter and more relaxed. There are some other little things too, and I don't actually think she's particularly pretty really. Plus I don't really want someone who's got problems. And she's from another country and may need to go back there in the near future. The more I look at it, the more I realise she's probably not what I'm looking for.

    But this was a good bit of experience of trying all this. Better to make these mistakes with someone whose not an ideal match, right?
     

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