Looks like I misread the signals from her?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by 1978, Mar 14, 2019.

  1. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Back in November I started going to an improv group once a week, and it's turned into one of the most fun things I do each week.

    There is a woman there who helps run it, and she is a lot of fun, with a lot of energy. The 2nd time I met her there (in January), she was touching me a lot on the arm and seemed to be being very friendly towards me.

    Anyway, I didn't ask her out or anything back then. I wasn't sure about her, and I wasn't sure whether she was just the kind of person who tends to be very friendly towards people. As I observed over the weeks that followed, it turns out that yes, she probably is just a very friendly, touchy-feely person.

    So anyway, the weeks went by, and I kept going to improv and having a great time, and she was having a great time too. Everyone was having a great time.

    About a month ago she added me on Facebook. We have exchanged some friendly messages, and over the past few weeks I did drop some hints that I might be interested in her. In fact, there was one particular bit of online banter in the improv Facebook group in which I posted a comment which I think made it quite clear that I was interested in her.

    Anyway, at the end of each improv evening, some of the people go downstairs to the pub to have a social drink together. I'd never joined them, partly because I have to drive some distance to get back home, and partly because noisy social situations don't suit me.

    But at the end of the last improv evening, when I went to thank her for another fun imrov session and say goodbye, she said to me, "Are you staying for a drink?" When I said no, she made a sad face, so I changed my mind and joined them in the pub.

    I almost instantly regretted it because I just don't enjoy those kinds of noisy social gatherings. But I stuck it out for half an hour and really made an effort to chat, etc.

    Then I said I should really get going, so I said goodbye to them and went.

    The next day she sent me this message.

    To which I later replied.

    To which she replied.

    To which I replied.

    Then a couple of days later I sent her this.

    To which she replied.

    To which I replied.

    To which she hasn't replied yet.

    Oh well, looks like maybe I misread the situation. It's a bit of a disappointment, but I had told myself that if she rejected me I would just continue on with my online dating efforts as I have been doing anyway.

    Also, I'm glad I know now. If I hadn't have asked her, I would have kept wondering and guessing. It was time to ask her and find out for sure. So now I can move on...
     
  2. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    One thing I did wonder about was whether she was put off by what I said about me not getting on well with noisy social situations. She seemed really at home in that busy social environment, and maybe she just wanted to get to know me socially in that environment. So, with that option off the table, maybe she was no longer interested?

    Or perhaps she genuinely is just going through difficult times and feels like she wouldn't be able to handle dating?

    Or maybe she just wasn't interested in me anyway?
     
    IDabbleInPoetry likes this.
  3. BravelyKegger

    BravelyKegger Fapstronaut

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    hmm you made it sound cringy when you said i am glad your glad, that sounds like something my middle school self would have said, when your texting dont put to much into it, and honestly texting is an awful place to ask that stuff, get to know her better and dont show any interest in her, just be yourself and be friendly, but do not have the intention of dating her, you kinda messed up a little bit so dont try anything else, just keep attending the thing and like i said, dont try being her boyfriend, stuff like that takes time.
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2019
    Roffelaar, IDabbleInPoetry and 1978 like this.
  4. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your thoughts, BravelyKegger.

    It's difficult to know how we come across sometimes isn't it? I think it can also be easy to get carried away.

    But at the same time, I do wonder whether if she had genuinely been interested then it wouldn't have mattered quite so much that I messed up a bit?

    Also, after thinking about it some more afterwards, I started to think that maybe we weren't suited to each other anyway. Sometimes we get interested in someone because we think they are interested in us, but actually they might not be a good match anyway.

    But yes, my intention now is to keep going to the improv group every week and pretend like this never even happened.
     
  5. IDabbleInPoetry

    IDabbleInPoetry Fapstronaut

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    She might still be interested in you and genuinely be going through a rough patch. If I were you I would let her know that if she changes her mind about going out on a Date (It's just a word be confident with it) then she should let you know, but of course until then you will respect her boundaries. Don't stop flirting with her and being friendly either, if she does like you it's important you stay the way you were before around her :) I wish you all the best with it my friend. Try to talk in person with her more often :)
     
    Issah, 1978 and Starseeker like this.
  6. BravelyKegger

    BravelyKegger Fapstronaut

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    thats a solid plan, and i do understand what you are saying, good luck.
     
  7. Alaiza

    Alaiza Fapstronaut

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    It is possible that she likes you but she is not ready for starting something new. It is also possible that she likes you very much as a person but if she is going through a hard time it may be difficult for her to think about relationships.
     
    1978 likes this.
  8. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Don't play games or participate in other people's games. Don't try to decipher hidden signals. She might not even know what she's doing or even know what she really wants.

    What does it mean when she does this or that? What does it mean when she says this, but not that? Why did she do that when I said this? Why did she say this when I did that? Should I say this in order to get her to say that? Should I do this in order to get her to do that? Maybe I should pretend to not be interested, but actually be interested? Maybe I should hold back because she seems uninterested?

    None of that shit matters. All of that is walking on egg shells, playing it safe, and trying to convince her to be interested.

    What matters is what you want to do or say. She's either interested or she isn't. The more bold and clear you are with your intentions, the more clear she'll be with her level of interest towards you. If you want to play not to lose, hesitate, don't take risks, and only take action when you've secured some magical signal that guarantees success, then you'll be playing the guessing game for a long time with her.

    Do yourself a favor and don't waste your time with immature "I like you, but I won't really show you unless you show me first" type of bullshit. People waste so many hours / days / weeks / months / years trying to decipher signals waiting for a clear signal for them to take action, but that clear signal doesn't happen without you taking a risk and being clear with your intentions as well.

    She either wants to or she doesn't. If she does, then show her that she better step up and show it or you're moving on. If she doesn't, then show her that you're not the type of person who wastes time with people who are flaky with their intentions. Don't waste time on convincing unavailable people to be with you. I personally only invest in people that are excited to receive what I have to give and are excited to give what I want to have. You can't have that without expressing yourself honestly and doing / saying what you want without waiting for guarantees.
     
  9. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it :)
     
  10. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Excellent advice! Thank you very much indeed! :)
     
  11. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    The ironic thing is, since I've had time to reflect on this, I have started to feel a bit like I dodged a bullet.

    I started to get a bit interested in her because I thought she was interested in me. After all, I am single and doing NoFap, so when I sensed there was the possibility of some man-on-lady action, I took interest. But actually, the more I think about it, the more I realise we're probably not suited to each other.

    She's much more extroverted than me, to the point where it could actually become annoying if I was around her too much. I want someone who's a bit quieter and more relaxed. There are some other little things too, and I don't actually think she's particularly pretty really. Plus I don't really want someone who's got problems. And she's from another country and may need to go back there in the near future. The more I look at it, the more I realise she's probably not what I'm looking for.

    But this was a good bit of experience of trying all this. Better to make these mistakes with someone whose not an ideal match, right?
     
    JB333 likes this.
  12. ApprenticeInWar

    ApprenticeInWar Fapstronaut

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    I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend a couple of months ago, and I was going against your advice. To cut a long story short, she was being flaky, and I was trying to read the signals.

    "Does she still like me? Just in case, I should tell her that I'll be here to support her if she needs me. I'll also going to keep being friends with her on social media."

    As you said, this is a terrible thing to do. We can spend a lot of time on that. I could've moved on 2 months ago, but I'm only doing that now, after she's made up her mind.
    Anyway, thank you very much for writing down what I should've rationalised much earlier. I'll remember your useful advice :)
     
  13. Issah

    Issah Fapstronaut

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    Love this, a woman really appreciates it when someone puts in an effort, next time - even though it's not easy - rather ask something like that face to face. You'll be able to see her reaction and you'll also portray yourself as someone confident and proactive. Good advise to remember for next time.

    All the best, i hope you continue enjoying improv and this doesnt taint what sounds like a really fun activity.
     
    1978 and BravelyKegger like this.
  14. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    If they want to be with you / make things work with you, they will. Don't let things be one sided. It's mentally and physically exhausting. It's not healthy and it's not fair to you. Respect and value yourself more. Find others that respect and value you. Don't try to convince people to be interested in you.
     
  15. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, that's good advice, but the reason I said it via Facebook message was because she messaged me first, so I was just responding to her.

    On the positive side, it doesn't seem to have changed things at improv. I have since seen her once at improv, and everything was fine and we all had fun just like we always do.
     
    Issah likes this.
  16. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    This is really solid advice. Women often come out with excuses as to why they don't want to date a guy, but they are just excuses. If a woman is into a guy, she will date him. It doesn't matter if she is really busy, going through a rough time in her life, or just got out of another relationship, if she's into you she will date you.
     
  17. Marik757

    Marik757 Fapstronaut

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    ^ this

    If an person is interested in you there is no need to tell them you like them. The signals and body language will be there.

    Dont think with your emotions if she likes you or not. Instead just be confident and ask her out. If she gives you her #, says yes for an date, and shows up. Then her interest level in you was high enough to warrant you not needing to say "I like you."
     
  18. Kevin Saputra

    Kevin Saputra Fapstronaut

    I have a crush with this girl who is come from a broken family. We are very close back then. We usually playing games till 3 A.M and things goes well at the time. She told me many things that she doesn't tell to her other friends, like how she hate her abusive father after the divorce, how her college assignments stressed her out, how she want to be an illustration artist, and so on. One day, we got huge argument going on (I can't recall why it happened, but it has something to do with the we are playing) and I texted mean things to her. She hated me since and she blocked me from all of social medias. Somehow, she also convinced her family and her friends to do it as well. It's been 3 years now.

    The thing is, I can't really blame her for that. Her father was very abusive and she got traumatized by anything about violence and anger. It's also my fault for getting so angry, for not remembering her trauma. Shall I still go for her after all this year? We had a great time before that incident happened.
     
  19. StarvingSparrow

    StarvingSparrow Fapstronaut

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    It seems like she kinda picked up on you trying to ask her for a date and she said she's not really in the right mental space for a date but then you didn't pick up on it. The smiley face isn't the only emoji btw bruh. Use the Santa Claus emoji as much as possible. Major panty dropper.
    P.S. extra points if his skin is brown... dolphin emoji is a close second
     
  20. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Some of us struggle with picking up on body language.
     

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