Looking forward to change my life

Hi,

I am here because I want to overcome my compulsive sexual behaviour.

I watched pornography for the first time at about 8 years old. I found by chance some material in my parents house. Both parents used to work so I had all the afternoons to myself. Since then I got hooked.

The first stuff I found were magazines, and then dvds with strong material, by strong I mean 1 girls and 3 guys and orgies, at least strong for an 8 year old child.

In any case at the beginning I didn't even know how to masturbate. Which then I learnt and I didn't even ejaculate for a while, since I was far too young. I still can recall -how after some years- for the first time something came out and I was surprised.

The point is this has been an issue I've had many years now. I became addict and with the access to computers and internet, I got access to everything. Porn and chat rooms. The type of things I used to see became less interesting, and I move on to more kinky stuff, and so on and so on. Also the desire to actually meet with people and strangers increased and that has been an issue an issue a few times.

I am fed up with this. A few years ago I got an economic issue as my credit card was somehow used by someone behind these hideous websites, and lost a big amount on money. I promised myself not to watch porn ever again, just to relapse later. More recently I've started to go to shops and buy stuff, and then get rid of it, to weeks later get some more, which also affects my economy. I am sure this is an addiction and I need to gain control over this compulsive behaviour.

I am seeking help. I worry I would fall again if I don't do something different this time.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Best

 

Thanks for your message. It is good to have an idea of how far one is in this addiction. Since this is a topic nobody talks about, its difficult to know by oneself.

Yesterday I requested an appointment with a counsellor, who hopefully would be able to confirm that this is an addiction (which I'm sure it is, though I am not qualified to affirm it) instead of a bad habit. Then I hope the counsellor would refer me to a therapist.

I also bought the book "Understanding and treating sex addiction" by Paula Hall from amazon, which will arrive today.

I have a question for you, I am for the first time talking serious steps and seeking external professional help, it seemed to me that nofap was kind of that, but is nofap just an accountability platform or I could find more things that could help me? And why do you think nofap would not be enough in my situation? There's also this rebbot camp, but I mean I cannot afford everything, so I have to be wise in which things will be useful particularly if I pay for them.

Thanks

 

Do you know how to create a journal? Also since you joined yesterday, as me, how about being accountability partners or whatever its called?

Best wishes,

 

Hi, thanks for your advice...

I should say I feel this thing is deep inside my mind, and I just relapsed. Do you or anyone else here know of a software that would block all pornographic/sexual material? I have K9 the problem is, I know the password!

I'm just fooling myself.

I am writing this now because I just relapsed so my brain is clear, when the urge starts to come up again I start to think about ways to erotism until it just explodes. Like today.

The other problem is if I don't release often through masturbation and orgasm I start to think in trying to do the things I used to see in porn... So I worry that blocking my internet and not fapping would release another beast... which already started to happen.

The university council service will take at least 4 weeks to give an appointment or so they say.

I bought a book about sexual addiction, and so far I'm in the part saying that sexual addiction is real, and that people suffering from it, don't really find pleasure in doing what they do, but is a compulsive behaviour.

I kind to relate to that. I'm full of fantasies and things I could do, but I don't really feel fulfilment in them, yet when I am doing it, I feel like intoxicated, like I am enjoying it, (indeed the book uses a very good description: my behaviour on that state is "anaesthetising, a way of numbing out the world") but does not really fit into what I want for my life.

Also it is time/money consuming, and energy draining.

So the bottom line is, so far if I don't masturbate, my mind starts to get cloudy and I start to do things otherwise I would have not done, because I would have removed the urge. But if I keep masturbating, then after a while I want more, and more, it gets into porn, and then doing the weird things.

The obvious answer would be to avoid every single thing related to sex/porn/fap/orgasm/erotism and distract myself... I have tried many times already to just relapse. But I will keep trying, but I have to do something different otherwise I'll get the same result.

I will come here every day and report my progress, that should be one change...

Another thing is, a priest told me, if I try and try, perhaps the periods of abstinence become longer and longer... so I will keep trying, but this time with nothing, and I mean NOTHING sex related.

I'll post tomorrow about my day progress. Right now I just cancel something I order on the internet (I feel shame of myself)... Amazon said it maybe too late, but they will try to cancel it. To be honest I feel like I want it to be cancelled but a small part of me already is saying, well maybe it cannot and you'll get it... I wish I could just remove all my sexual desire at once.

 

Ok, day 1 after my last relapse.

I'm starting to have thoughts again. Fortunately the thing I ordered on internet was successfully cancelled.

Nevertheless I'm starting to have thoughts again. I'll stick to no fapping, no porn, no orgasm tonight. Just go to sleep. I'll read a bit of the book about sex addiction and go to sleep.

 

I relapsed again yesterday morning and then evening. It is great struggle within myself.

I went to confession yesterday, and now I felt better, but the thoughts came every now and then during the day. I managed to stay away from pmo after confession, until the evening.

During the day I had thoughts about watching again, but instead I came here and read some stuff. I slept during the day because I was very tired due to work and pmo during the week. After sleeping I started to do some chores, my room is a mess partly because this week after work I've been indulging with pmo a few days.

I tried to re-focus my energy and attention to tidy my room, do the laundry, etc, but then I had a short relapse time at night.

Thanks @StopTheMusic for your support, your words are really encouraging.

I did the OpenDNS but I'm not sure it is working. In any case, today I changed the K9 password to a random sequence of characters and sent it to an email. I will send it to a my parter, just have to talk to her first. Then I'll delete the email I sent to myself. At least now I don't know the password by heart.

Thanks, I will. One thing that confused me a bit a few days ago is that, last week I talked to a colleague about this problem because he asked me everything was OK. He is in his 40s, he is gay, and lives with his partner. He said he thinks I don't have a problem, that most men do this, and as long as I don't get into illegal stuff, I establish my limits like how much I want to spend with pmo, and what things to do or not, and if I do things he says, do them far away from your work place, he says it would be fine.

Now it seemed reasonable to me at the beginning, and in a way made me feel like I'm not a monster, which is good. However, I think what he says would apply to someone who doesn't have a sexual addiction, which now I know I have (after doing a test in a book). Also, even though I don't do any illegal stuff, my behaviour damages my mental health, can damage my physical health (if I get too turned on and meet someone for example, and catch something... not that happens often but I done it in the past and I think about it sometimes), it also affects my economy, it affects my relationship with my parter, it affects the own image I have of myself (self-steem), it goes against my own values, it affects my relationship with God.

On the other hand, he says, that I'm living in an odd situation for a man with my age. I live far far away from my family and partner, I managed to see my partner once a year, I live alone, I work, go to Church, some exercise now and then. My work is very competitive, and I have to save money so that's why I don't do so much travelling, vacation, or pretty much any other activity other than work, house chores, and go to Church, meet friends from Church. And I don't mind, I like it, but the issue is that due to the fact that I'm alone, and I have a computer, I can search and find sexual pleasure any time. The desire hunts me usually after work, before going to sleep, on weekends, and whenever I'm travelling, as I see an opportunity to do stuff and forget about it while I'm away. I don't want to keep living this double life, is like being two different people.

This web site is helping me, and i like it, because writing this reflexions help me to calm my mind and think more deeply on what I am doing. It somehow brings me some peace, maybe just the fact that I can say what bothers me, and get support and encouragement from other members. That's great. I'll keep posting.

Also I got a new calendar which is in front of my bed now, it has images of what I value the most in my life, and I started to put an X if that day I p and/or mo, if I don't I'll put a tick, so far I have 3 Xs . I hope to little by little get more ticks than Xs and more spaced Xs with time. I hope to get my first tick of the month today.

I like a lot the way you see relapse. It's encouraging, otherwise I feel I'm just stuck, so why even try if I will relapse, which is a self consuming thought. I really like the way you put it, how to learn from relapses.

So again, yesterday night I was trying the openDNS, which didn't work so well, and pum, again I saw a bit of craigslist personal ads, and then mo. I changed now my K9 password and I will ask my partner if she minds having the password with her. This will be a fire test to me, but I know its the only way.

Thanks

 

Today its being a bit difficult, but thankfully the internet protection is helping, I cannot access any p material.

I feel very tired today and I'll go to sleep.

I should say that, for some reason I feel that, pmo and the whole thing somehow made me feel that there was something exciting going on, you know. So for example, today I did some exercise in the morning, then went to work, had lunch, got some results, came back home, cooked, dinner, and now I just want to go to sleep because I do feel tired. But that's it. That was my day. I know it's not good but somehow pmo added some exciting stuff... It's wrong what I am saying, because I know pmo just creates too much pain, but I am just self-reflecting why in a day like today, I would just go and spend the whole evening getting to look at p and chat kinky stuff, while having weird fantasies.

But I won't do that today. Just go to sleep.

 

I see, however, think about it. Suppose you set K9 when you are sober. Like now. Then you get the desire one day and uninstall it, and relapse. Then you install K9 again when you're sober. Uninstalling K9 would take a while, and then perhaps next time you try to uninstall it, that gives you time to think and say "do I really want to do this?", then you can think "I'm bored, and want something exciting but I know p will just waste my time". Then you can try nofap.com instead, do not delete K9 and distract your thought writing here.

You can even write a sentence in your journal saying "I feel a lot of temptation now, help!" and someone will give you strength.

Meditation/pray also helps a lot, actually that would be even better than K9, but together + nofap.com they synergise, I think.

 

Somehow today I feel better, today I haven't thought about pmo, until now haha. But because I'm NoFap

It helped that I found some people in nofap with similar/same fetishes who have overcome them, and for the first time I think it's possible to overcome them. Before I used to think that since my issue was brought through opportunity in childhood I was marked for life to struggle with this. But now I am an adult, and for the first time I feel I can fight against those desires, which may have a bit of hereditary component, but for sure have been increased or twisted during my early encounter with p, and then reinforced through my 20 years of constant regular pmo and sexual activities/fetishes...

So I have to go back step by step. Even though I may enjoy unconventional things, they do not align with the type of life I strive to live. They do not align to my values, to what I care the most, to my inner real self. So I have to go back one step at a time.

The first step I realise now, is to reboot, at least 90 day without pmo. (3 days and counting).

I should not indulge myself in any sexual activity or thought for these 90 days. That should strip a bit the reinforced conditioning I got through p.

Then, and only then I should think again, what is what I want for my life (sexually) and introspectively evaluate how much desire/crave I still have for those fetishes and p tastes I have now. Let's see how it goes.

Thanks to all for your help and support, you have really made a change at least in stop me from feeling alone, discovering that others have overcome pmo and fetishes, so I should be able too, and also really feeling in the pain of others the pain I also have but I try to forget when I sober, or indulging, essentially when I am not sharply suffering.

 

How about friendship? Do you have an accounting partner? Seeing that others can do it, and that you have some sort of commitment with them as you are in the same battle can help. Think about it, one problem is the accessibility, which is where software could help (but could be hacked) but the source of the problem is not accessibility, the source of the problem is somewhere else, its in your mind. It could be loneliness, boredom, childhood trauma, etc... but it's in your mind, so if you target the mind and help a bit with the software that should be even better.

In my case, if I only block p from my computer, that does not help, because I have a sexual addiction, so I may well go to a club or a red zone and see what happens. Fortunately I haven't got that far often, but I know I am capable of such a thing, because my problem is in my mind. Indeed pmo would help to keep those wilder desires to keep calm... for a while. But doing everything together (K9+nofap+book+pray+exercise) seems to be working.

Again, the whole package should work. See, we have been writing to each other for an hour already, that's an hour we could have been struggling with the temptation of pmoing, or even pmoing. Now I start to feel like going to sleep, but also, all I have written reassures what I really want and feedbacks into my mind, instead of giving crap that I don't really want to, to my mind, just by receiving some stuff others with my same problem or worse have created.

Let's keep NoFap

 

By friends I meant nofap friends

Here you can have an accountability partner, like another guy who is struggling as you, or some more experienced person who has already overcome the same problem you're facing at the moment.

You just have to write in the forum that you want an accountability partner and someone will write to you. or if you already have an idea of someone you think may help you, you can send a private message and ask for accountability. it's more private and you can open more ther if you want, but more importantly you try to commit with that person to no pmo for X amount of time, so you help each other.

Also, I really recommend starting your journal, just start one and write there whatever you want. Ideally what brought you to this site, what you expect from it, what you have tried, what has not worked, what has worked, etc. Then people will write every now and then.

Then every day, or every time you can, you just write how you're feeling that day, have you relapsed or not, etc. People will give you strength and suggestions as you can see in my journal. Also it's interesting to see how you were feeling days before, and you can see your progress, otherwise we don't notice and it's easier to relapse because it feels like you have not improved, because you still have the same old urge, but that's not the case, when you look back and you say, wow it's been 4 days since my last pmo and actually I feel fine, and then you read how you were feeling when you pmo, then that makes you think, do I want that crap again? Well this is my 4 days experience and I'm talking like an expert haha. Sorry this is me. But I just want to share my optimism, there are topic specific groups, so maybe there you can find something you feel closer to, and find someone with more experience who may help.

Feel free to contact me anytime, I'll try to help as much as I can, I know how depressing this can be and I don't want to suffer it again neither let others suffer it.

 

Hey, English is not my first language either! Your English is very good, I didn't and wouldn't notice at all your first language is not English. Do not worry about that, and worry less here, as long as your sentences are understandable that's more than enough, and as I said your English is really good, i haven't had any trouble reading you. Which brings me to another point, for not native English speakers this is also a good way of practising our written English. For example when I write quickly I use almost interchangeably "this" and "these" because they have the same sound, so my mind just writes whatever, then I have to edit and correct, but by writing/typing often, "these" issues can be polished.

 

Today I felt a bit tempted, but managed to stay away from pmo. Tomorrow will be a tough day, I'm travelling again and whenever I travel I feel temptations come stronger because my routine changes completely. Any suggestions will be welcome.

I will be posting here every day if I can.

I should say, today I din't pmo, but did something fetishi although its a mix of curiosity and exploration, no pmo at all, so I will keep my counter, though I hope every fetish/curiosity stuff will go away all together while and after rebooting.

 

I will follow your advice, I will resist temptation.

I should say I am more tempted to go to places like clubs, red zones and so on, to see how it is like. I don't do that often, and perhaps I shouldn't. I've been already searching on the internet, and since I say well this is not p, that's fine... but I am fooling myself, because I know it's sex related, it is not watching p, but it is indulging in the possibility of going there and feel the tension, the dopamine, the excitement.

When I think I should not go and stick to normal stuff I tend to think I'm so boring, and there is a voice telling me: "You may not be able to come to this place again, so why don't you go and explore the dark places, you don't have to do anything, just explore..." but then my other voice says: "it's dangerous man, what if something happens, and you are not supposed to be on those sites, and it's not good to be alone there, what would your family think, your friends, your gf, your co-workers? is this the kind of life you want to live? always having to follow that sexual desire? don't you see you're waisting precious time indulging in something worthless? you could go instead to nourishing places, learn, explore things that will make you a better person... you also have work to do, why don't you better focus on your stuff? and when you've finished then go and explore the city, the nice places, rivers, architecture, museums, and forget that crap that will only create problems if anything, It will get deeper into your behaviour, your sex-addiction, it could go really bad, and for what, for some dopamine or minutes of physical pleasure? waisting time, money, or even threatening your own life for that crap? There are better things in life than dopamine, you want to be free from this, you want to be able to decide yourself, not let your addiction decide for you. God wants you to be free, let him help you."

OK this was helpful, really helpful.

Voice 2 (freedom) has shut up voice 1 (addiction), for now, if i let them argue in my mind it gets very difficult.

Now I need a plan as I cannot type all the time.

I should avoid any temptation from here to my 1st hotel. I'll go straight to my hotel, otherwise I will reset my counter. Once I get there I will write again here. I feel so stupid, but addiction is so sad... :'(