I am a 51 YO Christian man who has been called to be single. I am happy with this. I have never been married but sex has always been an “in my face” reality. At 4 YO my father introduced me to porn, first in magazines and then movies. He didn’t do this outright but instead put it in my path to find. I always had a stream of hardcore porn available from this age. Also he daily exposed himself to me. He never touched me, which left him “guiltless,” but it really skewed my thoughts and sexuality. Weirdly this scenario made me the pursuant of his deviance. If I sought relationship with him, it became about his nakedness. We had no other real relationship or interaction but his exhibitionism. As a result I have struggled with USSA all my life. It whacked me out because I thought, “who lusts after their dad?” But unfortunately, if I wanted a relationship with my dad, it was with looking at his penis. It’s all so sorted. Before I was saved I did have sexual relationships with women, but in most of them I suffered with serious inferiority and anxiety. Often I would end up with ED for fear of not performing satisfactorily. The pedestal of porn expectations aren’t reality, and I feared not performing like what I had witnessed. I have done major work to forgive my dad and in my 20’s when he tried to expose himself to me, I forthrightly said, “Dad, put on some pants!” It was like the spell was broken and he has never done it again. This was great for the process of making our relationship better and proceeding towards normalcy but I am still trapped in the cycle. I want to be free and live my calling to singleness. I know this is a different scenario than typical. Many want to be free of porn to be whole in their marriage. I on the other hand am looking to be free to live focused, whole, and unsullied by shame as a single man. In this I would really like to find an AP to walk it out with. I am serious and determined to reach my goal but need the accountability both to give and receive. I don’t have a man in my life that I can do this with and am hoping to find one here.