Looking for advice on how to control the ogling on vacation

This is a great idea -- to put out a question like this.

I don't have any solid advice or particular ideas to help. The only idea I thought of is to literally practice, a lot. I think you have until July to cancel the cruise. So I assume outdoor pools in your area will be open for the month of June. Can you do some research (like putting out this question), gather up some ideas, come up with a non-ogling plan, and then go to the pool 2-3 times per week in June and work on it. See if @Jagliana can be comfortable with you and her walking around the pool deck with dozens of girls in bikinis.

 

We just came back from vacation in a high tourist / scantily clad area. There was a lot of temptation. It almost seemed like the airports were the worst. He would avert his eyes with something else by either getting busy doing something with the kids, positioning himself away from the temptation (turning around in a line to talk to one of us, sitting on a different side of a table, etc), pull out his phone to play a game or text his sponsor. At work he wears a rubber band on his wrist that he lightly snaps if he starts to get the feeling that he wants to look things up on the work computer that he shouldn't. It helps to bring his focus back. He didn't do that on our trip but he said later he wishes he had just to stay in the habit of wearing it.

 

My advice would be
Which I myself follow
That don't look at their any body part except their face

 

Avoid the game shows, comedy shows and 18+ shows. Anyone can play, made mostly to hook up people (players)... Audience members can get undressed and switch clothes right next to you, even if you aren't a contestant. Etc.
Go play bingo or sample wine instead.

 

@Wade W. Wilson, to be honest, I'd just say, "if in doubt, leave it out."

If you're not totally sure about if you can handle this without getting triggered or if you're worried about how @Jagliana will feel, please don't go. There's a difference between a difficult situation coming along unexpectedly, and going into a situation knowing that the odds are very much against you.

A lot of this battle is avoidance and sacrifice - avoid the situations where you really don't feel confident about your odds of staying sober. Sacrifice your right to do something, in order to keep sober. In the end, sobriety is what we're trying to achieve.

Sorry to sound a little negative. Your call, however.

 

I don’t know where you are in your recovery or your backstory, so I’ll keep it general.

Well the world isn’t hiding itself from you, so what you need is a framework for dealing with that.

You are going to see attractive women on the cruise, you can’t control that. It’s not wrong to see attractive women or even feel some attraction to them. It’s biologically hardwired and you can’t override it.

What you can control is what you do with what you see. If what you think is “Oh she’s hot, but she’s not for me.” And move on, then you are clear. If you follow the 3 second rule and just move on, you are clear. Now if you start fantasizing, or if those thoughts pop into your head and you don’t actively fight them and replace them with something good, you are now entering dangerous territory.

I see beautiful women all the time. I’m not looking for them. They just appear. When I see them I think “she’s beautiful/hot/whatever, but she’s not for me. I have the best already (my wife) and I’m not going to take from her that which is not mine to take.” I make sure my seeing them lasts 3 seconds or less, and I love on. No second looks. If I find myself automatically looking back on accident, I bounce eyes and mind away. I remind myself that boys take, and men give. So use the time to invest in your SO. Give to her and love on her; and don’t take from all the scantically clad women no matter how eagerly and cheaply they present themselves to the world. You don’t want to encourage these hurting girls in women’s bodies to treat themselves cheaply any way. Be a man, give. You got this!

 

Also if your woman isn’t comfortable with it, then don’t go. If she is, then go have and have an awesome time. You are totally capable of handling yourself properly while there.

 

I would also recommend staying away from alcohol. Even if you can normally hold your liquor well, on a relaxed, looser environment, it can be easier to let it impair your judgement or lower ypur inhibitions.

 

The rubber band is a great idea. I do the same thing with fidgeting with my wedding ring.

 

Rubber band trick is such a good recovery tool. Helped me break out of of some of my more compulsive looking habits.

 

You won't be surprised to hear that this topic comes up regularly on these forums. I'm keeping a list of all the useful threads I find. It's buried in my journal post here. Hopefully you'll find some useful stuff there @Wade W. Wilson, there are practical tips from guys and the threads by the women are illuminating.

 

Beyond the constant correction in the event of ogling, or making the conscious decision to see them as a real person (I.e. looking at them as a whole rather than parts or pieces), there is a new tactic that my wife and I agreed upon during one of our weekly retrospectives: grounding. The concept is simple, if I feel triggered or ogle, I take the time to touch her to ground myself, and reach out to what is really important to me and have contact with her. We decided on this as something to do, what seems like months ago, and never really had the opportunity to put it into practice.

This last week the opportunity presented itself to put it into play. We were at a bar having some social time with friends, and the bartender did what she was supposed to do, take our drinks. She was young, had multicolored hair (a trigger for me), and would have been considered attractive. I noticed her and of course had to talk to her, But it was more than noticing, and I had to take more than one look. I was able to catch myself, put my arm around my wife, and place my hand on her shoulder. This made me feel at peace rather than shame. The need to ogle, or take, and the addict immediately lost its hold on me. The bartender became insignificant and plain; trigger averted, and wife loved.

 

I know I private messaged you this but I thought I would share here too.

Something I did to distract myself was just look up and try to find street signs, cloud shapes during the day (I even took photos and sent funny ones to my wife), lights at night, just random stuff to focus on. Another thing that helped me when my wife was near by was squeezing her hand or grabbing her hip. (I told her it was to help control my ogling so she didn't object). After a while, not looking at all becomes the new normal, if I do slip up, it's not to look at "ass" or "breasts" but because of beautiful facial features but even that's rare now, my wife has so much of my attention now, when I mention a slip, she doesn't get triggered or mad.

Another little thing I did (on occasion), with my wife's permission, of course, was take a step back (behind her) and appreciate HER figure/shape. Just looking at her outline and appreciating HER beauty/body. Then putting my arm around her helped a lot.

But touching her hand, arm, hips or body helped me the most.

 

Always glad to help, you can beat this. It's just another bump to walk over in your recovery.

 

This oogling question is a good one. Since giving up PM I find myself noticing girls in the real world so much more. How to stop staring? Bloody good question.