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Looking at other girls

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by monkeyface, Aug 16, 2018.

  1. monkeyface

    monkeyface New Fapstronaut

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    Hello. I have never participated in a community like this and I am finding it really helpful to see that there are people going through the same as I am. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I found out about his porn addiction about 3 months ago and we had a conversation but he went back to it very soon after that. Last week i discovered he had been doing it again and also looking at pictures of girls on facebook. I have been reading a lot about addiction and i think i have come to terms with the fact that he has an addiction problem and that is the reason why he has been doing all of that stuff. However, (after talking a lot) it also came out that he has a problem with seeing attractive girls in real life too. The way he explains is that he notices them more than normal and that he gets the same dopamine hit or rush that he would from all the other stuff. Obviously this makes me feel terrible and this is the point where i am struggling to find someone going through the same in this forum.

    Since everything came out, my bf has given up his smartphone and got a burner phone, we have set new passwords to all his devices, he has found medical help and an accountability partner and today he is going to a SAA meeting for the first time. I do see how he is very committed to change and he is willing to make this relationship work and I do see he loves me. However, I am scared i will never get over the fact that he looks at other girls in a sexual way while he is out and I don't know if that can be controlled too. He is positive that behaviour is part of the addiction too and feels like things are different since he has acknowledge his problem but i am very hurt by this. I have panic attacks when trying to leave the house and feel helpless when i think about it. I am only 26 and would really really appreciate some advise from someone with similar experiences.
     
  2. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    DITTO DITTO DITTO DITTODITTO DITTODITTO DITTODITTO DITTO
    X1000
     
  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I agree that setting boundaries are the first thing you should do. Your PA may feel they are punishments but they are emotional, and sometimes physical, protections for you. Just be sure that whatever consequences you put in place, you are willing to keep. Here are some links to get you started. (For frame of reference, the term sex addict is often interchanged with the term porn addict.)

    http://suzannerucker.com/creating-boundaries-when-you-are-in-a-relaitonship-with-a-sex-addict/

    http://adammmoore.com/2014/06/12/defining-and-enforcing-boundaries-in-sexual-addiction-recovery/

    Before you jump into a book like Betrayal Bonds, I would highly suggest reading
    Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Dr. Barabara Steffens and Marsha Means, first. Betrayal Bonds makes the assumption that you picked your partner because there is something within you that is wrong and needs to be fixed. Dr. Patrick Carnes is the leading expert on sex/porn addiction for the addicts themselves. He is not so up to date on how to properly treat partners of addicts.

    The links in my signature have a lot more information about Betrayal Trauma that I'm sure will hit home for you, including interviews with Dr. Barabara Steffens. If you are on a mobile device, turn it sideways to see signatures.

    You are not alone! There are many of us partners/spouses/significant others of PAs that have been where you are and still are. We are all here to support you.
     
  4. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    I used to struggle with this a lot also. Just looking at other women and staring too long, sexual thoughts, etc. and I can say that after working against my addiction and fighting against it daily, the lust for other women that I see has been easier to avoid. Still difficult at times, but it does get easier. I think it's all a part of re-wiring. That's just from my experience. Hopefully that can give you something to look forward to.

    I agree with @GhostWriter though, don't move forward with the relationship until this is dealt with. My wife did, and I've given her years of disappointment because of that.
     
  5. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    You said "girls," but it sounds like it's adult women (or at least they look like they could be adults) he's looking at, right?

    I just want to check, because I would take different steps if I knew my SO was lusting after children, than him lusting after other adults.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  6. I agree with this 100%. I, too, have read Barbara Steffens book, and it is very helpful in understanding what you're feeling.
     
  7. monkeyface

    monkeyface New Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely, I did mean adult women. English is not my first language and that might have lead to confusion, sorry about that!
     
  8. monkeyface

    monkeyface New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I did find it very helpful to hear from someone who has recovered from this sort of behaviour. I did decide to stay in the relationship and to move on through mutual support, even if we are not planning on getting married any time soon. Should i distance myself more clearly? Do you think that would have been helpful in your situation? We have been sleeping in different rooms since it happened and we have agreed that that won't change until we feel like we are in a further step of recovery. Do you think this is helpful at all?
     
  9. monkeyface

    monkeyface New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your reply, just by the title i can tell it is exactly what i need. I feel like I could use with some guidance for my immediate next steps as I am completely overwhelmed by the situation and am dealing with panic attacks and anxiety since everything came out. Thank you again.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  10. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    I'm relieved to hear that it's adults. Your English is great! I wouldn't have guessed that you're not a native speaker. I'm sorry you're going through this difficult situation.

    My husband ogles too. One boundary I set back when it was really bad, was that I wouldn't go out in public with him. It just hurt me too much to see him looking at other women. At least with the porn, he did it in private so it wasn't staring me in the face.

    It was a tough boundary to uphold. We weren't sleeping together, we couldn't go out on dates - it was like I was married in name only. It was one of the lowest points of his recovery so far. I was seriously considering going out with other men. It only seemed fair. I didn't follow through on it, but I was close.

    It took awhile for him to get serious about stopping the ogling. It's a good thing that your SO recognizes that the ogling is an addictive behavior for him. My husband was denial about this for about 2 months, even though he was abstaining from PMO. It was so frustrating.

    Now, he wears a rubber band on his wrist, and snaps himself if he looks. The snap from the rubber band is supposed to tell your brain, "Hey, this activity that used to bring pleasure, now brings pain. So stop doing it." The rubber band also gives me a visual signal that my husband is doing something to keep our marriage alive. I can't say for certain that he never ogles anymore, but if he's doing it, it's much less obvious.
     

  11. Can I ask how long you’ve been in recovery?
     

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