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Look who's talking

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Br1 R1, Jan 7, 2019.

  1. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    I have to post this question as my SO is yelling and screaming at me because Look who's talking was on while we were cleaning up tonight. I was washing a pan and was not watching but she said "What are you watching, it's inappropriate!" I said as I was not watching it that its a PG film and no nudity or sex scenes. She the says they are rolling around the bed while she is in her negligee. I just said I am sure it cant be that bad, its just a PG movie, basically a kids movie. Next thing she's at me for defending a p-sub movie and that I should have turned i off. She was triggered and I was shocked at being attacked so did not handle it well. Yes I get her point if it triggered her but I was not watching and I was not defending the scene just that its a kids PG movie. So apparently this is the new standard for movies for me? Please advise what everyone else thinks.

    EDIT - So apparently it is a M movie in Australia, and I am a liar for saying it was PG even though when I showed her I got the info off my phone IMDB which is different to computer as I just found out. Just was told that and it was one of the kids who apparently said what is it that's on as well.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2019
  2. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you both could have handled it better. I rarely watch movies anymore because it seems no matter what the rating they have to have at least one scene I find either triggering or close to it. I haven't seen Look Who's Talking in years but did watch Look Who's Talking Now within the last few months and there are scenes that could be triggering to some people and I just looked away from. You can't hide from every possible trigger, she needs to come to terms with it. I don't expect my boyfriend to not watch anything because of it, but I do expect him to avoid certain movies or types of movies. I use to love sci fi B movies. But I don't watch them anymore because without a doubt they will trigger me. But it sounds like a deeper problem then a scene in a movie. You two need to sit down and talk calmly. Listen, don't defend. Don't minimize, which saying 'it's just a kids movie' or 'it's rated PG' is doing. It makes us feel like we need to defend ourselves. You are still in the early days of your recovery, expect a lot of these moment to happen. How you handle them will play a huge roll in how the next one will be. If you two are not talking or doing FANOS look into it.
     
  3. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    I know how these things can feel. You have to understand we have a behavioral addiction, and it’s those behaviors and reactions that can be triggering for our SOs. It can be something simple like a PG movie, or a simple comment made in passing. You’ll have to mindful of it, and learn to read between the lines and practice empathy.
    So if I were you, I break it down to its points, and learn to handle it better. First off it would be respectful to acknowledge how your SO felt about the movie. Bottom line, she wasn’t comfortable with it. It doesn’t matter the rating. Are you really trying to argue how she feels about it? Hopefully not.
    If you are trying to argue the rating or how she feels about it, you are practicing dismissiveness. Is the movie or it’s content more important to you than your SO and how she feels? Think about that one.
    Secondly, you can own your role in the movie being on. It is really simple enough to say you weren’t watching it, and you weren’t paying attention, and your actions can match up and you can turn it off. It shouldn’t be a big deal to do that.
    Lastly, looking up the movie on IMDB to prove to her the rating, and your point diminishes her immensely. Her feelings on it aren’t some fact that needs to be proven or disproven, she has her opinions and for whatever reason (namely she’s your wife) they are true to her. Finding facts to prove she is wrong not only diminishes her, but undermines her feelings and only drives the two of you apart. I hope you can see that.
    So now that you know a PG movie can be a source of contention between the two of you, and potentially trigger your SO, what are you going to do with that knowledge? It helps me to establish a happy path forward with these things, and talk with my SO about how we can handle a similar situation in the future. Put your pride away, talk in hypotheticals, don’t bring up this instance unless you are acknowledging her feelings, or if you are talking about your feelings. And when you do talk about those feelings, start with “I felt”, rather than the feeling. So when you say “ you attacked me!” It should be “ I felt like you attacked me!” There is a difference, even subtle, one is accusatory, the latter is how you felt about it, and opens discussion. Acknowledge your role in this, and practice ownership in how you can better handle it going forward.
     
  4. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Yes I do understand her triggering can be anything and do respect that. I was though not watching it and it was only on as it came on after the news. I did not check the rating and IMDB as I am supposed to do as it was only a comedy and playing in a kids movie time slot, I had seen it before years ago and didn't think anymore about it, it was just playing in the background mostly. The point is I was being yelled at and told I should have checked which is why I did then check and I should not have had it playing. Now what the argument was about is I am supposed to have known that scene was going to be in there and trigger her so i should have turned it off. I was saying even if I checked I would have let it play as the rating was ok and there was no nudity or sex scenes on the rating site. My argument is how am I supposed to know what is appropriate or not and how am I supposed to check everything that is on when they are just playing. My wife has watched and if you read my earlier posts has put movies and shows on with nudity and full on sex scenes knowing I am watching. This very tame movie which I didn't even put on it was playing in a kids movie time slot is now my responsibility and I am the worst PA ever for letting it be played and I should have turned it off knowing it would trigger her.
     
  5. PG is Parental Guidance,
    As you know.

    You both might need a review?

    Remember when these ratings came out. That used to mean IDs were checked and nobody under 12 or 13 got in w/o a parent or Guardian.

    Now on
    in the background,
    Like P. o_O


    Your post came on a slow day
    and like in the ER
    you got lots of good response.
    :)
     
    Br1 R1 likes this.
  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    To add to what @GhostWriter and @NF4L have said, I think there is a huge issue with not understanding betrayal trauma. sometimes it just doesn't make sense.

    My husband and I barely watch TV.. and even when we do, we could watch an episode with something triggering in it one day and I would be relatively fine and the next day continue watching that show with a trigger and break down crying. What changed? How safe I felt, how trusting I felt. If my husband did something within those 24 hours to make me feel unsafe/unloved/untrusting then my reaction to a trigger will be higher.


    Here is the thing. You are a porn addict. You gave your wife Betrayal Trauma. Learn about betrayal trauma. Ask her questions. Start to realize the more defensive you are, the more untrustworthy you appear and the more insensitive you appear.

    Simple formula for future
    1. Listen
    2. Don't get defensive
    3. Validate the emotions
    4. Ask what you can do to help/do differently in the future
    5. Ask her if she wants your comfort (like a hug)
    6. Ask if she feels safe/loved, and if not is there anything to do to change that.

    If you follow the above 6 things you will hopefully see her reaction deescalate and you guys will get through the trigger smoother. If you get defensive, her emotions will heighten because defensiveness is a sign of unsafe/untrustworthiness.

    Also, in the future maybe don't leave the TV on. Random shows and movies can come on and you never know what might be on the screen. For me and my husband we don't leave the TV on. The TV is on only when we are watching a pre-approved/vetted show.

    Just my thoughts.
     
  7. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    You (and I) have to accept this hard reality: we might do absolutely NOTHING wrong..and our hurt, betrayal-trauma-struggling wives might get triggered.

    What are you going to do? How are you going to react?

    ..

    Just last night, when I was leaving my house to go to my temporary house (I've been out of the house for 2 months now..my wife asked me to leave---our DDay was 18 months ago) -- I had been at the house for about 1.5 hours / tucking in the little kids / I knew my wife didn't want to see me, so I left quickly when I was done. I texted my wife a simple goodbye:
    "Kids are tucked in .. garage is shut and doors are locked .. I am headed out. Have a good week."


    My wife texted back:
    "Thanks for tucking them in.
    May I ask... when you say Have a good week... is that a general salutation or a sincere hope of yours?
    "

    ..

    I paused for a few minutes--thinking to myself that I wasn't sure what the best/right response was. I ended up replying saying:
    "Both. I hope you do have a good week...and it is just my goodbye salutation."

    ..

    Well, my wife ripped into me via text -- I won't go into all the details...but she had a HORRIBLE weekend dealing with betrayal trauma, she told me the upcoming week was going to be just as horrible or worse, in no way is it possible for her to have a "good week" and how presumptuous of me to say that.

    I didn't know what to say...all I replied with is: "I am sorry for my careless words. I will be more careful."

    About 20 minutes later...she texted and apologized -- I replied saying:
    "I appreciate you communicating your hurt. No need to apologize..really."

    ..

    Was there anything inherently wrong with those 4 words ("Have a good week.") ... No. But that is NOT the point. How we handle those triggered moments is an opportunity .. an opportunity to show compassion and empathy AND an opportunity for our wives to feel safe around us again IF we handle our hurt, betrayal-trauma-struggling wives with care.
     
    Acky31, Numb, Br1 R1 and 6 others like this.
  8. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I’m sorry for both of you. This is very difficult and I know it seems unfair. For an SO of a sex addict, it sometimes seems that the whole world is conspiring to put triggers in front of your SA’s face 24/7. And often, we have seen our SA get triggered by the most difficult to understand things. I posted elsewhere about an incident with my own husband where he became fixated on the blurry image of a woman in a newspaper photo. A normal-looking woman crossing a city street, dressed casually but not provocatively. He commented that there was a patch of sunlight shining on her breast and he could not look away. I cannot emphasize how small, blurry and completely “non-triggering” this photo was….except it WAS triggering for him. Would anyone else find it so? Probably not. My point is that addicts and their SOs are not living in a reasonable, normal, rational world and can’t be expected to behave as if they are all the time. I’m sure your wife would give anything to go back to the time and place where she wouldn’t think twice about a scene like that in a movie. Please try to be patient and understand that EVERYTHING probably feels like a threat to her and she needs to feel you are on her side working against the threats.
     
  9. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    I thank you all for taking the time to reply and give your opinions. Yes I did handle it wrong and I suppose I am just a mess with 50 + days of no PMO, doing hard mode has really played with my emotions and I snapped when I should have handled it better. I also have had hard times at work as this is a major issue for me and I am struggling to work out what to do. I dont have strong urges to look at P but I do have urges to escape from reality as I have a lot on. I suppose instead of letting this go before coming home I let it fester and it came out as we were already not getting on. I was in poor me mode and thought she was attacking me when if handled differently it would have been nothing. I know we all have good and bad days, it just seems when she has a bad day I have to wear it and when I have a bad day I have to wear it. I get a bit down sometimes and she is very supportive but sometimes I just want to be left alone and this was that time. So when I felt attacked I lashed back instead of thinking. I have looked at betrayal trauma and do understand she has triggers and is suffering, I do really try I just thought this was a bit over the top. I will in future try harder but I have never had the strong emotions I have at the moment, basically I am usually very laid back and nothing normally bothers me much. I know I will get there, have started to read the Gottman's guide to women so may get some good pointers there. Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate it!
     
  10. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    My husband and I just read this. AMAZING book and will very much help you understand more about women in general, but also understand why the porn was so devastating
     
    Br1 R1 and Trappist like this.

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