Long-winded Introduction!

Hey dudes.

This is gonna be a long recovery, but I need to start making it happen today. For I would say at least 10 years (from the age of 11!!!!), I've been masturbating/getting off multiple times a day. My introduction to porn was...sissy porn and sissy hypnosis, somehow? I don't remember, really. My interest in it waxed and waned.

Porn addiction has made itself manifest in a lot of different ways and fetishes/kinks, but within the last 5 years it's been especially rough. I fell into sissy porn again after abstaining from it for a long time due to absolutely no interest (which I attribute to having two different girls I was interested in at the time), and then found myself getting off to the idea of a guy using me. I remember even forcing myself to try and get off to the thought of two guys together, simply trying to chase the farthest and farthest extreme kink I could find.

The next part is a little embarrassing, really. I fell so enamored with this fetish, when I was around 16, I started thinking I was transgender. It became an escape, I didn't imagine myself as a woman unless I was aroused, I didn't want to be unless I was heavily in the mood. In high school, I only found myself romantically interested in women. I didn't and still don't find stereotypical men physically attractive, only feminine looking, 'girly' ones. I like looking like a man, too. I don't even know how to make sense of that little mental blip, it just feels silly.

Truthfully though, I don't find anything especially attractive in the real world. Not lately, anyway. I remember dreaming about cute girls, getting married, having a wife, kids, not about sex, which I equate to my porn addiction stifling my normal sex drive, but the romantic want and attraction was there. My sex drive is just friiiiiied. Ugh. I don't truthfully even know what I really like at this point. I know all of the porn I look at is female-oriented, staring at buff men doesn't do a thing for me.

Probably the hardest and most embarrassing thing about this is that, through those 5 years, I've been in an online relationship with someone, filling the 'role' of a woman. Falling deeper and deeper into the sissy stuff, I just...fell in love with it, until one day, a week ago, I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't know what made me snap, but it makes me sick to my stomach now. This isn't me, I suddenly know this isn't me, I've gotten a giant wake-up call.

I guess, just...how do I even start? I plan on breaking it off with this person today, even if it's a little gut-wrenching in that I think they're a coping mechanism for the real world for me. A very unhealthy one, but one I know it'll sting to have gone. That and I do care about their feelings, a lot. Either way, however, I need a clear head from all of these fantasies, fantasies that didn't even really manifest again until two different relationships with women, and have now just...crept in, I guess. Can anyone please give me a friendly bit of advice/also just say hello? Sorry for the massive wall of text, life is a bit of a struggle, but I feel a little better better typing it out, anyway.