Long thread, is there any hope of saving my marriage?

First off I would like to say welcome, and your not alone. I am in a very similar situation. My wife knew of my addiction years before I was able to admit to myself, and realize all the damage it had created. I had no idea it was at the root of all of our intimate/marriage problems.

It was to the point she was ready to leave with my 2 year old daughter that it smacked me in the face. I finally accept full responsibility for what I have done, and who I have become. that was the easy part, working through and dissecting all the issues and feelings has been the hardest things I have ever done. The more we work through the more I realize how deep she is hurt.

I killed her self confidence, self love, she has very bad anxiety now, and same thing she has such a sort temper because the anger and distrust from PMO fuels all the small things to make them explosive. sometimes everything is a fight, but I suck it up and stay patient.

Because IIII'm the one who PMO'ed over being intimate with her, mainly I am the one who destroyed my marriage, and I am the one who ignored her feelings and opinions. I realize I am the one who caused so much anger, and so much pain, to where she talks about how she has nothing left and talks about how she hates herself. I have never felt like a bigger piece of shit when I see her break down with such disappointment that I would choose PMO over her after she spent all day getting ready trying to feel pretty, trying to feel wanted. she was starving for connection, affection, and love. I thought we had it but she new it wasn't as real as it should be.

I will take everything she throws at me because I deserve it. I HAVE to PROVE to her that I will do whatever it takes to win her trust back, to make her feel safe now matter how long it takes.

I am starting therapy to get to the root of my addiction and to learn more about myself. she is also counseling to talk to someone outside our marriage about what she is going through. NoFap has been the a key component in our recovery.

I can HONESTLY say things are getting so much better! yes I have had to deal with every shit storm of resentment, because I stay patient and try to stay calm so we can talk through it. I give her space when she needs it and just stay open and willing to change.

Our sex life has been amazing! We wait about 10 days O free before we have sex and its not even sex so much as it is making love. PMO has created intimacy issues with me, because PMO had always been in my life up until now that I don't really know how to TRULY be intimate. I can say that sex that we have been having has been slow, sensual, and a deep connection.

We built that wall that they built to protect themselves, and we have help chip it down little by little. we owe it to them and our kids to be better, to work through it, to not give up, and to keep our families together.
I know for me its not going to be an easy road, but nothing in this life that's worth a shit is easy.

I would love to keep in contact I think it would be therapeutic for both of us.
I wish you the best of luck brother and I say don't give up, she didn't when she could of.

 

Also we have been together since we were 19 years old, 11 years now. I have been P free for 29 days, and it is more difficult than I thought I would be. But you are in good company here, everyone has been very open and supportive. so thank you for sharing and I hope to hear from you soon.

 

Welcome to the forum. I was in your situation a year and a half ago. After 17 years of marriage my wife threatened to move out, take our children with her, and tell whoever asked the real reason why she left me. I quit cold turkey that night. Addicts in a relationship have the additional burden of working on the relationship while working on their addiction. I was able to saved my marriage and it's possible for you to save yours.

In the beginning, actions will speak louder than words. The promises of an addict are worthless. It's time to make a change that they can see before they can believe the words that are coming out of your mouth. Start by taking concrete steps that she can see... go to a therapist, avoid being alone, start exercising, go on a diet, take up a new hobby, journal, etc.

Continue to be kind and patient. She has been betrayed and is entitled to all of the emotions she is experiencing. If she needs space then give her space. If she gives you a chance to speak then ask her how she is doing before explaining what you are doing. My wife and I talked every night for 30 days about my progress and how I hurt her. I would think about what I had done in the past and offer a sincere apology the next night we spoke. In everything you do and say take responsibility, accept blame, and validate her feelings.

She may not be open to communicating, but there are things you can do regardless. It is important to build qualities that make you the man you ought to be and the man she deserves. Be a man of integrity, honesty, humility, maturity, and transparency. Those qualities shine through even though words may not be exchanged.

The rebuilding of trust does not happen overnight or after one discussion or after one grand gesture. Trust is built after hundreds/thousands of kind acts. Trust is only extended when the other person feels safe in your presence. Think of yourself as a stranger and having to prove that you are worthy of trust. That is why many couples have to start off fresh, as if they were dating again. Many small acts of kindness may start to melt her hostility. If verbal communication is still a minefield and there are things you feel need to be said then consider writing her a letter.

Of course, this only works if she is receptive. Many have repaired their relationships. Others have not be able to and they have to accept that this is part of the consequences of waiting too long to get help. It's sad, but it's reality. The only thing you can control is how your recovery proceeds. Accept that the rest is out of your control. Work one day at a time at being the best person you can be and hopefully things will work out.

 

Then she has a lot of stuff going on that has nothing to do with you, in addition to stuff she has going on that DOES have to do with you. She clearly has trouble with commitment.

If you haven't been having affairs, you haven't spent your lives into destitution, you haven't become abusive to her or your children, and the problem centers only on the fact that you have a PMO addiction, then it has more to do with the weakness of her commitment to you and to your marriage than with the trouble in your brain.

I don't know whether your marriage can be salvaged, but unless you haven't told the whole story here, I would caution you not to take all the responsibility on yourself. A marriage always has two participants.

 

Yeow. Well there's the rest of the story, my dear new friend. Pick the little steps you're going to take because you can't remake your world all at once.

If you decide to work change in the marriage, then don't try it on your own. If you read my threads, then you'll know how highly I value truly competent sex and marriage therapists--if you can find one. My marriage, thanks be to God, has always been rock solid, although we've had many difficulties related to my depression and sex issues. It gave the doctor a lot to work with, and because our commitment has never wavered, we could take everything on eventually. But even that was in simple chunks at a time.

Lean on us here. You'll have a lot of voices telling you that, no, you're not crazy.

 

This thread is important to anyone with a wife and/or kids to read.
I am in the point of my journey where the shroud has finally been ripped from my eyes, and I can finally see the outrageous levels of pain and suffering that I have placed on her. That action was getting caught cheating on her after a PMO binge...
If nothing else it gives hope to those who need it for motivation to keep successfully attacking our ordeals.