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Lonely, not only no gf, but no bro's, real friends, deep bonds

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by MrSmith009, Dec 12, 2016.

  1. MrSmith009

    MrSmith009 Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys

    I have an abusive father that i finally cut contact with. My mom got cancer. Its a tough time, but on top of that, i discovered im almost alone. And this makes me really depressed.

    Im usually very positive and high energy, always with people around me, friends and family alike.
    I can make contact very easily. When I'm at the gym or just outside whatever. With guys and girls. I tried dating and can easily attract women. But im religious and have experienced that i would need a religious wife to be happy. So ill be patient untill i find her. And im not rushed to find her also.

    The thing is that I cannot find a real friend or bro.
    Whenever i start contact with a guy, this leads to laughs, phone exchange, hangouts, game etc. But it doesnt go more then that.
    When we chilled a couple of times and i start talking about deep shit, like what problems im facing and how i try dealing with it. Or showing interest in their deeper feelings.
    I get the feeling they get annoyed. They close up or change th e subject. They only want to chill and be shallow, not support each other like real friends/bros.


    Now i am struggling for two months with the aforementioned difficulties im facing and not one of the people around me ask me anything.
    I realised that i was the one organising the chill evenings with the friends. None of them contact me now that i dont take the initiative... Even my family cousins who i used to chill and have deep talks with, dont talk to me.

    I feel like all of my years were fake because they only had contact when i served it on a platter: arranged everything and they probably had nothing better to do.

    A gf is nice, but i feel mostly lonely because i have no real bonds with people except for my mom and one uncle.

    I keep relapsing because i feel like shit. i even spend 1000's on escorts to feel fucking cuddles.
    I don't even need a gf, i can have patience to find a good one to be my wife. But i can't go through without real bros...

    How the fuck do i deal with this?
     
    MontStar48 and D . J . like this.
  2. WarriorScarr

    WarriorScarr Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you just need to tackle one problem at a time. Focus on you right now man. Make some goals and work hard to achieve them. You said you can't seem to make real friendships. Keep at it. Continue putting yourself out there to make connections. I get that things aren't going good for your right now but you have to keep grinding at it. Keep a positive attitude and keep working on you. Maybe hit the gym or start a yoga class? When you feel good from within it's amazing how that attracts people to you.
     
    Pablo1, MontStar48 and D . J . like this.
  3. MrSmith009

    MrSmith009 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I've been doing that the past few years. I was happy and positive vibed. i was regular at th e gym and MMA? organised bbq's.
    Putting myself out there didnt seem to work mayn
     
    D . J . likes this.
  4. iwmsgan

    iwmsgan Fapstronaut

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    Bro's don't talk dude.

    Bro's bail you out of jail, help you move, and embarrass you in front of your date.

    You might not be able to count on a bro to lend an ear when your are feeling blue or offer words of encouragement. But you can sure as hell count on a bro to avenge your death and raise your children.
     
  5. Secondchanceatlife

    Secondchanceatlife Fapstronaut

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    Let's face it, most of us men were never taught to acknowledge or own feeling let alone process them and be comfortable talking about them. Shit most of us don't even understand the way we actually feel, it's just a mess of bottling up and coping mechanisms.
    I'm having a hard time looking for the same thing you are. The problem is your looking for a dude that is in touch with his emotions and comfortable talking about them. Here's the first clue, chances are those mofos are married cause the ladies scooped him up as soon as he said the words "I feel like". Lol.
    So yeah the dudes you're looking for are either feminine or married or some miracle happened and someone properly taught their kid how to deal with emotion and didn't try to beat it out of them. (I'm in the same boat)
     
    D . J . and MrSmith009 like this.
  6. douggie1962

    douggie1962 Fapstronaut

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    The rule for successful financial investing is to diversify your investments. The same applies to your emotional health. As men get married and become emotionally invested in their wife and family, they have very little reserves left over to share outside of the family. Other men really have never been taught the value of honesty, and quite frankly their advice is not worth a hoot anyways. So you learn to cultivate multiple resources, each able to shoulder a part of your needs, but never burden any one person with it all - they will crumble at the weight and flee.
    I have a few years under my belt, am religious, have dealt with cancer, etc. If you want to start a private conservation thread, I'd be open to it as well.

    Be Strong My Friend.
     
  7. Mattsfreedom

    Mattsfreedom Fapstronaut

    Anyone would if you only chilled a couple of times. It takes time to make real friends not overnight. I know what you mean about trying to find friends and being lonely I don't have many friends myself. You need someone to talk to message me ill listen.
     
  8. RedPillRebooter

    RedPillRebooter Fapstronaut

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    You don't need friends, they'll betray you eventually. Love yourself, serve yourself.
    I've been much happier ever since I stop caring about 'bros'. As no one has your best interest at heart except you.
     
    MrSmith009 likes this.
  9. Don't worry, just focus on the current journey of quitting. As the old adage goes, time heals. This can be applied here, and as we move forward in our journey, things will begin to fall into place.
     
    MrSmith009 and RedPillRebooter like this.
  10. SupBruh

    SupBruh Fapstronaut

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    Most people don't like to hear about others' problems. I mean, even a close relative, your own parents, or a spouse, nobody wants to listen to the depressing stuff.

    I'd accept that for the most part, you'll be facing challenges by yourself. And that you don't need anyone to support you. Step by step - drop the escorts, if you quit the gym - get back in, and keep focused on the no-PMO.
     
  11. Ruth Ellison

    Ruth Ellison Fapstronaut

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    I think you should take a long breathe and think whats going wrong. Slowly you'll get solutions and you'll be able to sort your problems.
     
  12. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    It is very difficult to find guys that want to discuss topics that are not surface. You are looking for a friend and not a variation of an acquaintance. Unfortunately men typically are taught to be emotional but are taught those who want to talk about emotions are weak or even gay. FALSE!
    Another issue is many don't care enough to know about others as much as they want to be known... the "it's all about me" mindset.
    Typically women are those who want to share but there are men who will do it. Look at all of the men who share on NoFap. Finding them IRL is more challenging but not impossible.

    Continue to move forward with your journey and pray. Ask God to bring those in your life you seek. In due time, God will do it.

    I relate to you in many ways. I was the primary caregiver for my mom before she died this past March and I didn't have a relationship with my day (before he died last year) and wish I had close friends I could talk to about serious things. Those who would are married. I haven't given up hope and neither should you.
     
    MrSmith009 and noFapToTheFuture like this.
  13. noFapToTheFuture

    noFapToTheFuture Fapstronaut

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    DJ above just gave the best advice. Im similar. I think we never learned how to keep friends. What I've learned as of late in finally keeping friends is there has to be many sides to a relationship including laughs, shallowness, day to day banter and then occasionally deep talks.

    Dealing with my depression was the biggest help. I was not attracting good people and only vultures who wanted to take advantage of my condition.

    I take medication for my mood disorder but I would try another route first.

    Best wishes my friend. You can always talk about your deep feelings with us on here :)
     
  14. MrSmith009

    MrSmith009 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks alot dear brothers, for your input. I am still struggling but i found myself to appreciate little things now and then more often.

    This is made possible because i reflected and prayed alot to God/Allah. And realised how many blessings are bestowed upon me.

    May God bless all of you and help us all to achieve peace of mind and sound character :)
     
    D . J . likes this.
  15. Lone_Wolf

    Lone_Wolf Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the way the world is now. Shallow is the name of the game and finding real friends can be a daunting task. I've found that the real ones just show up by chance without me even looking, but they are rare. In the interim, whenever I feel alone, I just rely on the man in the mirror. Ultimately, I'm the only one who's going to look out for myself when among most people. If you can handle being alone, it's not so bad. Independence and self-reliance are pretty strengthening.
     
    AndySky180 and Mitchell's Way like this.
  16. DustinK

    DustinK Fapstronaut

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    Good point. Most of the guys do not like to hear about other people's problems, in a way so that they do not get affected by your negative emotions so to make them depressed too. This distance yourselves away from them. There is also the mindset of 'what about me' so your talking about yourself kinda thing. The person being listened to feels like they are the ones that should be helped. They haven't being in your situation so it is hard for them to feel it. However they might be willing to help but just not showing it. You'd have to find someone who has been in your shoes before in order to connect. I'm sorry of all what you experienced, but you can PM me and I'll hopefully be someone you can talk to.
     
    Mitchell's Way and MrSmith009 like this.
  17. IGY

    IGY Guest

    The way your contact starts with new mates says a lot about the people you are hoping for some maturity and depth from. Laughs, phone exchange, hangouts, game etc is fine, nothing wrong with that. But a closer, deeper friendship from such fun, 'fair-weather friends' is unlikely. :rolleyes: Remember also that to have a friend, you must be a friend. So, why not look out for opportunities to be there for someone that is struggling? See if your interest and empathy for them is reciprocated.
     
    MrSmith009 and D . J . like this.
  18. MrSmith009

    MrSmith009 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply.

    I see the truth in this. However i have been there for alot of guys. Whether it be to help them when they need to move to another house, or to listen to them with gf issues. I always try to help them sincerely and i really see they appreciate it.

    However these people come to me when they need me, to listen, to advice, to help physically. But once thats over they dissappear, when i invite to do something together they don't want to, and rather go with other friends of theirs that only do fun stuff with them.

    I cannot seem to find a real friend so we can support each other to reach both our goals, help each other through hardships, and inbetween enjoy some time together with a smile and positivity.
     
    D . J . likes this.
  19. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    You have a large group of people here who want you to succeed and will encourage you along the way.
     
  20. Lone_Wolf

    Lone_Wolf Fapstronaut

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    You just want your ears tickled, bud. I'm done.
     
    AndySky180 and Mitchell's Way like this.

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