Loneliness journal. | Liina

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Liina, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    120
    156
    43
    Yes! Liked that too :)
     
  2. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    120
    156
    43
    I found a therapist who is specialized to work with the SOs of the PAs and SAs. She is also organizing group therapy for the first time in my country. I feel so lucky it is happening in my city. Only two cities has this opportunity now, if we didn't move here, I wouldn't have this chance.

    This gives me so much hope. I can't wait to meet her. I hope she will find other SOs enough for the group therapy. I feel like nobody knows about this kind of help, I didn't know, my current therapist didn't know, otherwise she would have told me. I found out when I realized to Google betrayal trauma in my own language. And I didn't know about the term betrayal trauma before I found this site. So I think many SO doesn't know about that they would have help available.

    I'm still feeling hopeless about myself, and about my healing. I have thoughts like will I ever get better. Will I ever live in peace and stress free. Is my only option to happiness to be single. I struggle with trust so much. I'm digging up everything my boyfriend has said and done and trying to find clues about lying. And those times he lied to me, I think does he do bigger lies too.

    He is not very interested in sex anymore. He says he's tired. This is so familiar to me. I've lived this situation before. And it turned out the "tiredness" was PA (my ex). He is working in other city for 5 days and coming home for weekends only. My alarms are ringing. Did he give up to his urges?

    Future scares me. If he doesn't PMO now, is it possible that he won't do that in the future either.

    I want to be happy with him. I want a good healthy honest relationship. But I'm not sure if it's going to happen.

    I have also started to blame myself again. I'm not good enough, he is bored with me, I'm nagging too much, I doubt too much, I'm too anxious/depressed.. etc.. and that's why he is not as interested anymore as he used to be. And those might be reasons that he stopped caring about my feelings.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2019
  3. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    276
    299
    63
    Never lose sense of your self worth... You are a totally unique and infinitely valuable soul... Dismiss feelings of inadequacy because 99% of the time, they simply aren't true...
    And you are not alone... There are numerous SOs of those struggling with this pmo menace who go through what you do.... And there are numerous people struggling with PMO who are working to totally toss it into the rubbish and cultivate a strong relationship...

    Your SO will get there... Just, change may occur slowly, and you may need to have some patience...

    I wish the best for you, am praying for your happiness, and wish that your SO ditches pmo, and loves you totally and without reserve, as you do him...
     
  4. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    276
    299
    63
    I fully feel what you have written... In an ideal world that would be the norm...spouses should have eyes for no one other than their beloved and they should hold the top place in their beloved's heart.. You are not naiive for wanting that..

    A totally pure man or woman would be like that... However, our oversexualized world has a way of corrupting that kind of purity with things like pmo... And so it makes that a bit of hard work sometimes..
    I myself, as an unmarried guy who is recovering from PMO addiction, am striving towards that ideal... As my religion teaches me.... Even if a woman is very attractive or sexy I practice never having lustful thoughts towards her.... I want to save not only my virginity for my future wife, but my eyes too... I want only her to hold the top place in my heart, after God of course, and I want to be the top in her heart...

    But while you should encourage your bf firmly to give up PMO, always show love and sympathy, and encourage whatever efforts he makes, however feeble they are, because overcoming this pmo crap is extremely hard at the start.. However it is extremely rewarding when this pmo is thrown into the dustbin for good, both for the addict and his SO... So have hope and never despair:)
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2019
    Liina likes this.
  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    1,191
    1,902
    143
    Your SO will get there... Just, change may occur slowly, and you may need to have some patience...

    That is an unfair statement. You don’t know that . She doesn’t know that . A lot of the PA’s don’t “ get there “

    @Liina , I instead think you should work on yourself . Everyone here from my beginning in 2017 told me this advice . All the PA and SO’s . I wish I listened. I did partially, but not fully . I was consumed with what he was doing , that was exhausting. Now it’s almost 2 years later .
    Find a good therapist with trauma and sexual addiction experience. Go have fun . Stop saying no to things in fear of leaving him home alone . Because in the end YOU are the most important person to YOU . I know you prob don’t feel like that right now but you are .

     
    need4realchg and Liina like this.
  6. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    276
    299
    63
    Of course self care is very important...I never said otherwise... While it's good to maintain strong relationships, let your main source of happiness and self worth come from yourself or from God(if you believe in him). Practice loving yourself, forgive yourself for your faults , and cultivate your health of body and mind....

    Of course you know your situation with your SO the best, and so definitely do what you think is the right thing...
    Post in this journal and interact with so many people here... We are all willing to support you... Definitely reach out in real life also to SOs like you... Group therapy can work wonders and give you great perspectives, great opportunities for connection, and dispel the wrong notion that we are alone in our difficulties....
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2019
  7. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    276
    299
    63
    Try cultivate an inner peace and happiness that will not be disturbed by the outer difficulties you may face.... Some habits useful for this purpose are prayer, meditation and listing the things you are grateful for...
     
  8. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    120
    156
    43
    I have to mention it again, my ex was the PA and I am in new relationship with someone who is NOT. But I struggle with my trauma and when I'm in the trauma mode I don't know what to believe. When my head is clear I believe my bf that he haven't or won't hurt me like that and he respects my boundaries. But I go in the anxious doubting trauma mode quite often.

    I'm telling it to myself that I have to focus on myself. I visited my bf today and we had a discussion about this and I said to him that I know that I have to let go of the thought I could control him. Because I know I can't control him, if he decides to cross my boundaries then it's shame on him. Then he is doing wrong if he decides to hurt me and our relationship. I have to let go of those thoughts it would be my fault somehow.

    My ex relationship was like that I said no to many social events. And if I went and left him home alone, I was anxious every second. I never enjoyed anything because I knew what he was doing. He never came with me even if he was invited. He chose P over me in so many ways. It was like a prison to me. I didn't want to live my life. I never want that again, I want to be free.

    I am free now, almost. I can go to store, or to run, without thinking my bf would PMO (I couldn't even do those little things before). I can go away for longer periods of time too, and I trust him 30/70 depending on my mood. 30 is the possibility of having massive triggers and starting to doubt him. 70 is I trust he wouldn't do that.

    In my last post I wrote I was worried of him doing it. Now I'm not worried anymore. Maybe a tiny bit because that tiny bit of fear is always there no matter how good mood I have.

    It's like there's two persons in my head. Other one is mad and doesn't believe anything good. Everything is bad, everybody are liars. The other one is optimistic and can trust that there's nothing to worry about and things will work out.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  9. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    276
    299
    63
    Cultivating trust doesn't happen immediately as one would want, especially because of your past bad relationship.... Don't blame yourself for getting negative thoughts about your current relationship, but slowly, gradually and steadily build up trust, love and devotedness in your present one... Even crossing 95% is good enough for the moment..
     
    need4realchg and Liina like this.
  10. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    120
    156
    43
    I had a session with the new therapist today. That felt so good. Someone actually understood me. Everything I said. I felt so safe talking to her. I didn't need to explain myself. She just knew how I felt. I could've kept talking so long but we ran out of time too quickly. She showed so much empathy towards me. I was like a scared little girl seeking for safety.

    She couldn't believe it about me when I told I get bad outbursts of rage. She saw me as very calm and kind. I couldn't believe it myself either, until I got one. I told her no one has ever experienced my rage before my boyfriend. She said something like we don't do that if we don't feel safe. For example children can get mad at their parents because parents are safe. That made me think. Is my relationship safe? Sometimes I feel it is. But sometimes I don't. Because I can't trust on the future, and I don't mean this time if he's going to act out sexually, but I'm afraid it might end suddenly. When he is done with me and can't take my crazy stuff anymore. We had a major fight last weekend and it started from so little. I ended up exploding again. He exploded even more. He said very hurtful things again. I panicked. It tested our relationship big time. Again. This whole summer has been a test. And we still have a month to go like this. I said to him I can't wait for him to live home again so we can heal this. We can't heal this being 5 days a week apart. He agreed.

    I had something else in mind I could write down but I lost my thought.

    I thought the half marathon a lot today as well. I'm already nervous about it. I doubt myself. My bf is so supportive. He thinks I'm doing really good with my training. Last weekend I took him with me to coach me for my workout in stairs. I enjoyed it very much, it was so nice to have him there to push me to limits. He is good at it, because he has athletic background. We were both still affected negatively by our fight earlier, so I was very happy that he joined me instead of staying at home. I think he was also pleased when I gave him very positive feedback from coaching and especially for joining. :)
     
    LuxPerpetua and hillmountain like this.
  11. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    276
    299
    63
    Especially, when you feel like a hurtful fight is coming up, it's a very good thing to just stand back in your mind and ask yourself "Is what I am going to fight about worth throwing a spanner amidst the peace?"
    Some rules for "fighting well" are:
    1. Never use very hurtful words..
    2. Think about it as a "us versus the problem" rather than a "you versus me"
    3. After a fight, better to swallow your pride and just make up.... Quietly explain why you were angry and reaffirm your commitment to your SO... Apologize if needed... Our self pride is not worth souring the relationship...
    4. If you're feeling a lot of anger, whatever be the source, try to direct that anger towards the problem rather than towards your SO...

    Even for what you think is a good reason, it's better to develop some other strategy for getting your point across, rather than pouring vitriol over it...
    One proverb I've heard goes something like this.. "when there are many ripe and sweet fruits nearby, why eat an unripe and bitter fruit?"
    ie we all have the ability to be kind, gentle and peaceful towards others, and it will definitely strengthen the relationship, as well as make our SO feel more favorable towards us... So why choose vitriol, which will make both feel worse for it?
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2019
    Liina and LuxPerpetua like this.
  12. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    120
    156
    43
    I have tried so much to improve myself. I've seen my mistakes and changed my behavior as best as I can. I can't avoid my anxiety attacks, or if my bf drives me crazy. I'm trying to avoid conflicts, and he starts yelling or calling me names then I lose my temper.

    I never call him names. I have been waiting for that when he realizes that and stops it himself.

    Every time he says afterwards he didn't mean them. But I hear them every single time, how can i believe he doesn't mean.

    He admitted that he provokes me too far. I just wish he stops saying things that hurt me more, when I'm already so broken. He has to see he's not perfect either, and he has to want to improve himself too. This cannot be all on my shoulders, and we can't blame my trauma for every conflict. We could avoid a lot of them if he remembers to calm himself a little bit. Because a lot of times, I don't mean anything bad, I don't mean to argue, in trying to tell something but he refuses to listen and loses his temper while I'm still calm. So I am not the only short tempered. Actually I used to have the longest temper I knew. So about that I don't have so long anymore, I can blame the effects of my trauma.
     
  13. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    276
    299
    63
    Basically I feel you guys need a ton of patience in bearing with each other's faults... No one is without small faults, and if it takes one of you some time to overcome them (such as provoking behaviors, hurtful behaviors, short temper etc ) then it's better for the other to practice being patient and forgiving, and not insist on immediate change...

    The time when we feel angry is the worst time to discuss any conflicting thing, as it can fan the flames further, and usually no useful thing happens out of it...
    The best idea is to talk beforehand about the triggers each one of you has , make each other fully aware of the other ones triggers, and do it during the time when you guys are relaxed, emotionally receptive to each other, and non confrontational.
    A small and interesting exercise.. Whenever one of you loses it, is better to say "I'm feeling angry and hurt at the moment... Let me cool down and then we'll discuss it calmly" and talk about that later when tensions have settled down, and you are favorably disposed towards each other...
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2019
  14. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    120
    156
    43
    I'm just going to vent my anger out.

    I just experienced hard trigger out of the blue, sitting on my couch in a safe environment. My body is shaking, I feel nauseous, my heart is pounding and it is difficult to type this.

    I was scrolling down my Facebook feed. Every day I get minor triggers there and I'm able to dodge them, because I think I'm so used to see them. If it's an ad, I hide it or block that site if it feels uncomfortable to see.

    This time I clicked a headline about 2 young girls went missing, someone shared it. I read it and below that, was a section about other popular news that might interest me. The first one was about someone posing in playboy. Someone might think that's not so big. But the girl in the icon was just like I imagine my boyfriend prefers. Opposite of me. I remember those times my boyfriend clicked those kind of headlines just to see the pics behind it. That feeling about every guy is the same, just want to see half naked porn style girls. I started crying. I instantly felt like I want to see his browsing history. I'm 100% sure that was the headline he would click if he didn't think about my feelings.

    My day is ruined. I'm not going to look at his history. He wouldn't do that mistake again and leave that kind of traces anymore. If he wants to look at them, he will hide it.

    The reason I don't go to certain news site is just that I can't handle those headlines popping in front of me every time. It's always the biggest news if a hot woman is showing her bikini pics. It seems like they are the most important thing for people (men).

    I really hope my boyfriend understood why I was so hurt about that "little innocent thing" what kind of "news" he was "reading". I told him it felt the same as I would have found P. I know someone there thinks I'm crazy and out of my mind but so be it. It was very triggering. He always said he's not interested in other girls, so I felt that I was deceived again.

    I want to be that kind of woman who doesn't care about such things. "Boys will be boys".
     
  15. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    276
    299
    63
    Not every guy is like that (always want to see naked women).. and even those guys who are like that can change..... Don't lose hope of all men as having only lust on their minds....
    About myself, I would like seeing my (future) wife's body, but I wouldnt look at any other woman's body with sexual thoughts, even if she was extremely attractive...
    I look at my sexual drive now (that I'm recovering from PMO addiction) not as a recreation or cheap thrill, and not as a curse that I have to eradicate, but as a gift from God that is meant to unite loving spouses together, to give them that closest intimacy, to make them more devoted to each other....
     
  16. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    120
    156
    43
    I really appreciate your want to be so loyal to your future wife. I wish there was more guys like you. I wish my boyfriend was the same. But I dont know what believe, in my experience everyone was liars. I wanted to believe my bf would respect me more, but he showed that he couldn't resist himself from looking at others even though he said he didn't do that. If I didn't find those things from his browse history, he would still continue to do it...... Or how do I know he has even stopped? There are so many ways to hide it. I only have 2 options: to trust, or stop caring.

    My boyfriend says that he appreciates loyalty and he says he agrees with me what loyalty means and he says we are on the same wavelength. Part of me believes that he have learned from his mistakes and respects me. Other part is too wounded to believe anything.
     
  17. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    276
    299
    63
    About yourself, NEVER lose sense of your self worth.... Our worth is NOT measured by the shape of our body or by our sexual attractiveness....... You are unique... Never forget that.. there is only one you among the six billion people on Earth and there will never be another you...

    Another important point I've found to be true with myself is.... Do you give excessive importance to sexual attraction in a man? In the past, when I gave excessive importance to a woman's sexual features, I found myself judging MYSELF compared to other guys more... Almost like a kind of karma haha...
     
  18. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    276
    299
    63
    In the past, when I was deep in porn addiction, I thought it was nearly impossible for me to be faithful to my future wife in my mind....
    Once I started getting out of porn, and started becoming serious about my Christianity, which teaches that we must be chaste (have eyes only for our spouse).
    I practiced unlearning the toxic stuff that porn taught me (such as guys will always ogle at attractive women, that it's impossible to not masturbate etc)....
    Nowadays, I'm not yet married, and there are many attractive women around me, but I've never once thought sexually about them mainly due to two things
    1. The Chasity that me religion makes me aspire to
    2. I want to save myself, even my gaze, for my future wife (just as I want her to save herself for me)
     
    Liina likes this.
  19. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    120
    156
    43
    I'm not looking other handsome men in the way I don't want my bf to look at other women. I think I never was that kind of girl who would drool over cute boys. I never had a celebrity crush. I liked normal guys. There are some features in my boyfriend that make me look at him like wow he's so handsome/hot. He is the only man I see in sexual way (of course that's not the only way I see him lol) and that's why I expect to be the only woman for him too.

    But I think I have to compete all the time with other attractive women out there who might steal my bf's attention from me, or he would lose attraction towards me.
     
  20. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    276
    299
    63
    About your boyfriend, it seems he somewhat doesn't realize the true nature and level of commitment in the marital relationship.... Mainly because modern society encourages sexual looseness, devalues relationships (just look at the ease with which people divorce) boys are exposed to that toxic sexual "freedom" at a young age...

    I suggest two things... One: keep yourself strong mentally... While you can and should encourage your boyfriend that he should have eyes only for you (just as you have eyes only for him), don't care excessively about his failings... If his eyes wander willfully towards an attractive woman, while he is definitely in the wrong for that, have mercy on him, and don't judge yourself based on his actions, because he is probably influenced by the toxic sexual looseness of our modern day, that separates sex from love and commitment.....
     

Share This Page