Loneliness journal. | Liina

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Liina, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    lol. Is there any woman in this world who is not crazy ? I laughed at your last post.

    Liina.... if you are monitoring him, and he knows it—- what do you think that does to his browsing habits ?

    Today, I don’t “peek” at women on any computer or tv when I’m with my SO because I am making a decision to protect my eyes from PMO. It has ZERO to do with who my partner is.

    Are you exerting control by monitoring him —- then complaining you cannot tell if he’s genuine ?

    I would say this, my parents have been married 40 years. My dad CAN say to his wife , look at that lady over there — Isn’t she ugly/ gorgeous?

    With his admiration or noticing of the lady , My mom doesn’t dive into depression. She can appreciate the woman or man is or is not beautiful. That’s because her confidence is not based on her husband.

    Also, consider, I am handsome. But to you, that may not be attractive.

    Beauty is part of you. So is ugliness. These things are in every human.

    I have looked at some animals and said “ man that dog is ugly! Why would anyone want it?” And my girlfriend can look at the same ugly puppy and melt. Lol.

    Each time you compare yourself you are doing the exact same thing porn addicts do when we compare women... it’s a terribly fatal exercise. In the end nobody is good enough.

    Do you expect to live, exercise or work where nobody will see you, or where your partner will never see pretty women?

    Wow this statement felt a bit triggering to me when I first read it. I think it was the use of the word “slutty”. I recognized this same word could have caused me to remember all the trauma of having abused myself with this word. So I quickly arrested the thought and focused saying : “I will not let my lust control my brain, and I continue to write you.” That is the kind of process you need to envision to kill this self-inflicted body shaming you have internalized. You are not slutty, dressing slutty, or anything worthy of this. Men have used control to make you feel protected. That’s why you are having such a difficult time flushing your ex’s ideas out of your head. That’s what control does.


    I would say there are. But all that I have met are ex-porn addicts. They are super vigilant about their words, thoughts, they have a history of having hurt themselves or others and they have made loving themselves and others in a healthy way their top choice.

    You might find guys who are religious or asexual in a similar way.

    Overall, beauty is not to be hidden or be ashamed of. Noticing it is natural and to keep flinching at every beautiful person is not sustainable. You will tire yourself out... yes, maybe feel crazy!!

    Hehe. Hang in there little sis, and keep writing !
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2019
  2. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Couple things I want to make correct.

    I dont monitor his browsing. I have access to it, but I have said to him I'm trying not to go there anymore. As a sign I try my best to trust in him. And I don't know if he has used Facebook more than 3 times this year, but I have seen only 3 times. He doesn't have the app anymore, so those times has been on our PC while I was around. And last year he used it much more, the way I saw him using it, and he also had the app installed on his phone. He said he have deleted the apps (fb, ig, Snapchat) because he's not using them anymore.

    Second thing is that I'm not saying that he is not allowed to notice any beauty. I'm not that stupid. The thing is, is someone just pretty in his eyes or will he fantasize, objectify sexually or compare me to someone else. And that is my point here in everything. If it's non-sexual, that is ok. I can say someone is handsome, but I'm not thinking about him sexually.

    There's a difference. And if there really arent any man, who haven't learned from addiction, who are not objectifying every woman, I think that is... Sick... Hello. We are humans. Not objects. And again, for me just noticing beauty is not objectifying. When they think about a woman sexually or as body parts, that is objectifying.

    Some things I write I should explain better. But I just write what I think not always thinking about explaining it better.

    And I'm sorry about the trigger. I can see now it maybe wasn't appropriate word to use here.
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2019
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  3. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    ;)

    Good for you to "have the power to look, but trust." Doing this over and over will improve your "trust quotient."

    Think of not lusting as a master's degree in self control. It's a black belt of mental training.

    I’m SO glad you apologized for triggering me. I want to hug you !!! (It lets me show you how to overcome these damn trigger things).

    DO NOT apologize for a trigger ever! Triggers are bugs that we must crush.

    This is REALLY important.
    Your expressions or behavior (how you feel and think) is MORE important than my mental anguish with a trigger.

    Nobody has the right to control your expression , your behavior, or your actions by claiming something "triggered" me.

    It DID trigger me. Bad! But So what? I feel the effect in my stomach start to churn, my heart race and then it’s my turn to decide to neutralize its' power over me or give in and ruin my streak, my day, my 3 months of abstinence.


    Which is why i think triggers are actually fuel for our growth when we face them instead of hide from them.

    I can say it too! Slut, slutty, old slutty, new slutty, etc but I refuse, refuse, refuse, to let something outside of my body, or mind, enslave me.

    No “trigger” will keep me enslaved. I’m too valuable, too important , too precious as a woman. It’s just a freaking word. Or it’s just an image. They cannot take power away from me unless I let them.
     
  4. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I always thought it was normal thing in a relationship, that you have respect for your partner and not lust others. Something that has not to be mastered. Why to be with someone if she/he is not enough, if you have to lust other people.

    It seems like i was too naive. I thought in real love there are no lusting for others outside the relationship. I was a stupid girl who dreamed about finding real love like in fairy tales.



    I want to give up. I don't want to exist at all. Yesterday I considered breaking up with my boyfriend. Because I feel like I want to protect myself from getting hurt again.

    And he doesn't deserve this. I'm not able to give him my best self and not making him happy.

    And now I have to pretend like I'm normal happy person the whole weekend at his parents.
     
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  5. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Dearest , even a child lusts....

    I was 6 and I wanted a girl named Amanda. I can still remember her with curly bouncy blond hair a cute smile. I did not want her sexually of course , but lust is not simply sexual. Much of our lust is emotional , power, affection, we want admiration from men and women. We want to be adored. We want our friends to esteem us.


    There’s nothing stupid about wanting your partner to NOT lust. My point is that it will take work to achieve.

    It’s mental stamina or resolve. Your friend with the Instagram ... she wants to be adored by posting all the pics right ? Again. Even if you get married that natural desire is meant to be overcome.

    I feel like I say this already... you must recognize your boyfriend is his own person. You must not expect that you can control how he is for your happiness.
     
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Let's get this straight right here. Children do not lust. Lust is always sexual, that is the very definition of it. A child finding another child cute, sweet, pretty, etc, is not lust. It's an innocent childhood crush.
     
    hope4healing and Liina like this.
  7. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    So it's not stupid to want him not to lust others. But then I can't control him if he does that, so I have to accept it if I want to be happy?

    I just expect that he will respect me and my boundaries. If he wants to be with me, then he has to do it. He have choice to leave me if he doesn't want to respect my boundaries. We are not married, we don't have anything that would tie us together so at this point it would be still easy to break up.

    He says I'm the love of his life and he wants future with me. Despite how difficult I can be. I think he understands that I try to heal and this is not something he would have to live with the rest of his life.

    I know it myself too. When I find peace, life will be easier. Maybe I will not be so strict with my current boundaries anymore, when I trust and feel safe with him. But to get there I need 100% commitment from him.

    He wants the same from me. He have said that he wouldn't like if I lusted other men. I don't see why I would do that if we have agreed it together. I don't even have to try not to. He is my number one and I don't have a need to check out every handsome man around me. I respect him and I want the same from his side.
     
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    No, it is not stupid and you have every right to expect that from him. If he says you are the love of his life than he has to be willing to show it and so far he is not. You are not the one being difficult. He either respects your boundaries or he abides by the consequences you have set up. That may mean the end of the relationship, if that is what you have deemed.

    He is an addict, attempting to place the same boundaries that he is required of, on you, a non-addict. That is gas lighting and a maneuver for control. It should not be tolerated.
     
  9. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I apologize if it comes across as me arguing semantics....

    lust
    /ləst/
    noun
    noun: lust
    1. 1. very strong sexual desire.
      "he knew that his lust for her had returned"
      synonyms: sexual desire, sexual appetite, sexual longing, sexual passion, lustfulness, ardor, desire, passion;More
      libido, sex drive, sexuality, biological urge;
      lechery, lecherousness, lasciviousness, lewdness, carnality, licentiousness, salaciousness, prurience;
      informalhorniness, raunchiness, the hots;
      informalrandiness;
      raresalacity, concupiscence, nympholepsy
      "he was watching her with undisguised lust"

      • 2. a passionate desire for something.
        "a lust for power"
        synonyms: greed, greediness, desire, craving, covetousness, eagerness, keenness, avidness, avidity, cupidity, longing, yearning, hunger, thirst, appetite, hankering
        "a lust for power"
        antonyms: aversion

      • THEOLOGY
        a sensual appetite regarded as sinful.
        plural noun: lusts
     
  10. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    @EyesWideOpen thank you for your reply. My situation is actually that it was my ex who was the PA. My current boyfriend is not. My problem with him is that it's difficult to trust, because of my trauma from my ex. The fear of getting betrayed again is overwhelming and I struggle with it. My boyfriend has said that he doesn't P or M (now when he is with me), but that is what my ex said too and I ended up finding about his addiction on that.

    I mostly trust on my boyfriend now, but I get crazy bad days, when I doubt everything and I'm so afraid to trust. I think my biggest problem with him right now is that im afraid that he is ogling and lusting other girls when he is not with me.

    Thank you for this, I needed to hear this right now, even though I know it.
     
  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Have you been able to attend any kind of therapy to help you heal from your past trauma?
     
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  12. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I agree with @EyesWideOpen that you need to set and live with whatever boundaries you determine.

    But your issues as described for the past few entries are 90% you deciding what to do. Your anxiety occurs when you stop focusing on your part and begin worrying about his 10%....

    Remember ... you don’t have issues with your boyfriend, you have trauma with your ex. Do you think if you mix them up then the innocent pays the price the guilty?
     
  13. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I just feel like it is not the right therapy for me. I'm probably going to find new. And I just started it couple months ago. So I wasnt trying to heal earlier, because I didn't even know how broken I really was, so when things escalated with my current boyfriend I realized I need help with this.

    You are right. And I know it myself. It's difficult for me to control my feelings and fears. It's always those questions in my mind what if he is the same and I have to find out. I want be sure.

    And that's why I really appreciate my boyfriend that he sees me behind my trauma. I'm not my true self. I was better when we started dating, before we went serious. When the relationship was serious between us, my trauma hit me. Can't explain it well, but then I started to think what if I shouldn't trust him and I have to find out if he is also a liar like every guy I have been with in the past.

    And I started to have massive anxiety attacks and I lost my ability to live life and function.
     
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  14. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I think I want to share my overall experience from my past boyfriends. I always trusted. And got lied. And not very little lies imo.

    I've had multiple boyfriends, I think because of my dad abandoned me/us it has affected on me the way that I enjoyed the attention I got from guys.

    So my 14 years of dating history.

    1) we were 15 years old. It was just a crush and dating like teenagers, nothing to mention there.

    2) he was looking for girls online and compliment their pics and their looks. He always had a crush on a girl at his school, but he couldn't get her. I was the second in his mind. I thought I wasn't allowed to complain about it because that was the way every guy was and as a girl I have to live with it.

    3) still have nightmares about him. He has other girlfriends behind my back. He chatted to others in inappropriate way. He tried to force me to sex. Once I woke up when he tried to do it when I slept. He raped me once to anal. He called to sex lines on my phone. He said he was going to work but he went to his other girlfriend, he had been fired and didn't tell me.

    4) lied about his financial situation. He was in huge debt. He manipulated me to use my student loan on his things. I still have to pay the loan. The first guy I moved in with. He hid the bills and they all was under my name and I couldn't pay them. He told me he had sex with a 12 year old girl when he was 16.

    5) lied years about his porn addiction. And I don't know what else.

    Can someone understand why this is so difficult to me?

    Edit: this time I think I have found a healthy partner in my life. I knew him before we started dating. But learned from my past experiences you never know what they are hiding.
     
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  15. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow. So sorry to read your story. Liina at what age were you when you began dating this person ??
     
  16. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    1) 15
    2)16-17
    3)17-18
    4)19-20
    5) 21-27
    .. years old.
     
  17. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Often I feel like I'm not allowed to have these feelings anymore, since I'm not with the PA anymore. I should've left this behind with him.

    I'm trying. So bad...

    I lost my mind few weeks (a month maybe??!) Ago and it has been really difficult to get back on track again. I've been in very dark places mentally. I think I hit my rock bottom with this anxiety period again and it will start getting better. I gave up with trying to get better. I was too tired (mentally). I still am but I don't have a choice but to try.

    I haven't been able to work on my school project at all. My mind is a mess. Can't focus on anything, I spend my days doing literally nothing, besides that I'm trying to stick with my running training plan. I almost gave up with it too, but I signed up and paid for the event so I must do it. Other than that, I don't even know where my time goes. I sit on the couch, lay on bed, walk around, just with my thoughts. I have been seeing my friends and mom on many days so I have had something else outside home too. Every time I get anxious to leave home, to go anywhere, I just want to hide, but I put autopilot on and go.

    I have noticed that I'm not present almost at all with anyone. I apologized my friend about it. I just couldn't focus on her, or anything or anyone else.

    But I think I'm seeing a little bit of light in the end of the tunnel again. I'm trying to believe in myself, I will survive. I will be happy.
     
  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Listen to the book ! Intimate Deception, please atleast do THIS for YOURSELF . You haven’t lost your mind . You’ve been betrayed . It REALLY can take such a huge toll even on the strongest of us♥️
     
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  19. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I've seen it suggested before too, but today I decided to get it. I already started to listen to it. I think it helped me already to sort my mind a little bit.
     
  20. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I like that she herself is the narrator!
     

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