Loneliness journal. | Liina

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Liina, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Today two friends of mine came to spend this lovely summer day in the city I live in. This is very nice vibrant city especially in summer. I haven't seen those friends in 6 months. I'm so tired on the other one of them. Her mind is only on things like Instagram and how other people look. She browsed her Instagram while we were sitting in a park and had a discussion, she didn't join the discussion because her ig was more interesting to her. She always wants her pictures taken so she can make ig posts. She is commenting strangers to us, if someone is wearing "wrong clothes on her bodytype" or when she is jealous about some girls body. She always compliments the other friend. She have told me many times how I could look better. I always feel like there's something wrong with me, when I'm in her company. She is like little follower to the other friend, she admires her and always chooses the same drink as her, or wants to walk with her, didn't come to meet me before the other friend was available to come here too.. the list goes on. We have known each other since kids and I always felt I was a third wheel. She didn't even want me to take her pics, she only accepted if "the better friend" took them.

    Past couple of years, Everytime I have spent time with the annoying friend, I have felt so shit about myself. I have lost my confidence. When my confidence has been low anyway, it is difficult to not let her behavior to affect on me so negatively. A year ago, after being a week on a holiday trip with them, I was so broken. I barely replied to our WhatsApp chat at all in very long time, months even.

    Everytime I think if she has grown up since our last meeting. Still Everytime I leave feeling shit.

    Sometimes I think she is just jealous for me too. For boosting my own confidence. I tried to explain to her that her social media addiction is affecting really badly on her. And that the things she sees aren't real. And the real life is outside of social media. And she makes herself miserable by comparing herself to those who does their job by posting pretty pictures on ig. Why would I try anymore because it seems like she doesn't get it.

    "The better friend" is really nice. She is a true friend for me. But I can't be just with her everytime.

    I'm so hard trying to accept myself and my body as it is. I try to believe I'm worthy and beautiful. And I am more than my looks. After this day there's two sides fighting about it, the other one tries to believe those good things, and the other is saying that there are so many flaws, i should be more that, less that, dress better etc etc.

    BTW. Years ago, when I told those friends that my fiance didn't want to have sex with me at all, and I was so sad about it. "The social media girl" suggested that I should watch porn with him so maybe he would get excited and then f**k me. I knew that his P usage was the problem in the first place, but I didn't say it to them/her. Made me feel so much worse, like I was a huge failure in my relationship. I should have been open for P and suggest to watch it together to "boost" our sex life. But I was so bad that he wanted to do it alone.

    Now I feel bad about complaining so much about my friend. I'm sorry. I'm not good friend either for telling these things about her.
     
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  2. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Oh sweetie, it's okay to vent. I don't believe you are a bad friend. Sounds like social media girl has a lot to learn. I would suggest (when you are ready) to remember that she is a victim of the same system under which we all suffer. She has been taught that physical appearance is the most important thing a woman has to offer and has placed all her value, and that of others, there. That is reinforced every time she looks at social media, or any kind of media. It is a tragedy, because there is no true, lasting value in superficial things. I'll bet you are a great role model for her, even if she doesn't yet realize it.
     
  3. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I enjoy reading about your life Liina. I keep hoping to learn more about your country by reading your experiences.

    I would like to ask how do you define a friend ?
     
    Liina likes this.
  4. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    She always was that who put so much effort on her looks, she had brand new expensive clothes, new hair styles, lot of beauty products, and complaining about herself. But as social media has took more place in day to day lives, and when smart phones came, she have went worse over time. Especially after Instagram. When she started using that, her company has been almost unbearable for me. And that combined with my own problems with my confidence now, and that I'm trying to learn that beauty is not the most important thing in the world, she is always "ruining" my progress with that. I'm now stronger, but year ago I wasn't strong at all and I couldn't close her behavior away from my mind.

    I wish she could realize herself too that she is a victim of this. But I think she doesn't have certain respect on me, when I try to say something about this, it's like she doesn't hear me. I think she would think about it better, if "the better friend" would say the same things. But the better friend doesn't take it as seriously as I do. She doesn't have this problem with it.

    I find myself avoiding to make plans with them, because I need to take time after every meeting. In the past we used to do a lot of things, go in to places and spend weekends together. Always planning what we could do and when to meet. But it's not fun anymore.

    The social media girl doesn't fit into my friend definition anymore. A friend is not supposed to make other feel bad. A friend would be happy for other, not jealous. (She doesn't comment anything if I tell them about my progress with running, or when I told I signed up for half marathon, she was jealous when we measured body fat and she had more than me, then she said how it could be because I'm so "unfit")

    A friend is respectful and trustworthy. Someone I could talk to and she would listen. And she could trust me. Friends should be enjoying spending time together.
     
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  5. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Good for you for recognizing this. I was challenged on my own definition of friendship this past weekend. My wife's best friend concluded that I don't really have even one "friend." I have people I call friend, but they aren't.

    I spend time in church with people who think I'm their friend. I don't mind their company, we have lots of things in common. We can do activities together like cookouts, watch a game, go camping etc.

    But none of my friends pass the basic tests:
    A friend will lend you money.
    A friend will attend your wedding no matter how far away it is.
    A friend will not criticize you but support you.
    A friend will not guilt-trip you for not calling them last week, last month or whenever.

    by the way, my "friends" don't ask me to borrow money either; but I have 2 friends, both shared everything with me when they got divorced. I have a close emotional bond with them but we do not share the same morals so I understand there's a limitation. with people that share my morals, we do not have the emotional bond at all.
    It's sad how people can be so opportunistic--(in my case especially at church where it hurts deeply). But it happens soooo often.

    I guess the point is, hold your heart out like a candle in the wind, but cup your hand around it; the friendship candle will be extinguished eventually by the wind, but you can always relight it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2019
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  6. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I too believe I can relight our friendship. Eventually.

    I have those "friends" too. I call them my friends, but we don't have deeper connection. That connection we could share deeper thoughts with each other. I only consider one of my friends as that kind of friend, plus my boyfriend. With others, we have something else in common, friends since childhood, school, met in the online game community for example.

    And now, I have my mother, since I opened up my trauma to her. And I don't actually need more.

    Tomorrow starts the midsummer celebration here, and I'm going with my bf, my big brother and his partner and couple of their friends, to summer cottage. I have been connecting with my brother lately too. We have become friends with him. Which is really great! He is 8 years older than me, so we never before spent time together outside family gatherings.

    Family has become more important for me now. My siblings are great, lovely people. Mom has raised us to be kind, smart, emotional.. good. None of us hasnt been mean, or bullied others.

    I have felt so lonely in my life. I don't know what has happened during a year, but the first time in my life I feel more connected to family members, and because of that I feel more accepted as I am, and I'm not feeling so much loneliness. Maybe I have grown up, or maybe it is all because I left the PA behind and freed myself from that emotional prison. (I think I wrote it here before that he didn't keep me in prison, but I felt like home was my prison with him because I didn't want to leave him home alone to PMO and that restricted my life a lot)

    Again it happened, I just wrote here my thoughts straight, so I don't know if my text makes even sense.
     
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  7. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow. Awesome to see you reconnecting with your brother.

    Healthy male models are great way to restore your confidence .
     
    Liina likes this.
  8. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I'm losing my mind. I woke up at 2.30 (am) and I was in panic mode, very afraid, wanted to escape...

    We are supposed to go to celebrate midsummer today and I'm a wreck. And I don't even have my boyfriend here to talk about the things. He will come home just before we are leaving, and I'm so afraid that we are going to have a fight in weekend, in secret, and then we are trying to act like everything's fine. I feel like again he can't support me enough. Or he doesn't even want to. Last weekend was very rough. He said nasty things. I saw how tired he is on me. I don't know what can I do. I'm trying my best, and he blames me for not even trying.

    On Sunday we were better and I was very sad that he had to leave again, we spent the weekend fighting and he left just when we felt better and I needed his comfort so much. I hate this situation. This is not going to work like this he spending 5 days away. We are losing our connection. I want this summer to be over. I need him home. We need to talk face to face.

    I tried to resist my friend's bad influence on me, but I can feel how it hit me. I have lost my progress. I'm in self hate. I can't believe my body is good enough for my boyfriend. It's 4 am already and I have spent 1,5 hours thinking about he's lying to me, what if he's ogling every girl on the street, looking at girls online, and acting like he's the perfect boyfriend that agrees P is bad and he's loyal. How can I achieve the state of mind where I don't care? How can I trust on him? I don't know if I can trust on my suspections. He have shown me he is trustworthy, but when I get this feeling it can't be true, I'm so confused do I trust him or myself.

    How can I support him to support me? I get so crazy when I fall into this anxiety, that I think I'm destroying his will to even support me.

    I feel so desperate. I don't know what to do or what to think.

    I was doing so much better during this month and everything collapsed last week. It would be better to be alone for the rest of the life, not getting hurt by anyone. Not getting betrayed. Not hearing lies, not believing in lies. But I want loyal, happy relationship more. Sometimes, like now, I think that is not realistic to have.
     
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  9. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Dear Liina,

    You are anxious yes?
    Not sleeping?
    Thinking obsessively?

    In this mindset it’s best to not make decisions. Are you able to pause? Distract yourself ?
    Writing here was good !!

    Maybe today I need to ask harder questions?

    1). Let’s say your boyfriend is watching P. That appears to be one of your greatest fears. So, suppose he is—- now what are you going to do ?

    What is this relationship worth?

    Leave him? Or stay?

    2). Now Let’s say your boyfriend is ogling all kinds of women, girls, even grandmas. He does it when he’s gone. Let’s suppose he is. Now what are you going to do? What does this behavior do to you? What does it mean for your relationship ?

    Leave him ? Or stay?

    Can we ask the same questions to your boyfriend? I will call him John.

    3). Dear John, Liina is obsessed that you are watching P. If you are or aren’t is not actually the issue—- it’s that she “thinks” you are —- which leads to anxiety. Her fear and distrust is causing her to doubt your word and your relationship.

    John, knowing this, do you want to leave or stay with her?


    I want to ask you , what do you think the connection is between love and trust?
     
  10. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much @need4realchg, for being supportive and taking time to write to me.

    I was able to get some sleep at 6 am, slept couple of hours and now my head is starting to clear.

    But yeah, in those hours early in the morning when my head was so messed up with all the thoughts I had, I had to remind myself constantly that I'm not capable of making any decisions and it's best if I don't write anything to my boyfriend in that state of mind. However, I wrote him something about that I feel awful and I'm panicking and can't sleep. He woke up for work right after I made that last post here. He just replied that I should try to sleep more, and put a heart there. That little heart emoji sometimes means so much. At that moment, it meant to me that he doesn't hate me. And yes, also writing here helped me to relax a little bit. After I started my journal here, I have noticed how effective it actually is to write my thoughts, without filter, to people who don't know me so I don't care if someone here judges me.

    I would be devastated because then our relationship would be a huge lie. Everything he has said to me, would be lies. I appreciated his honesty in the beginning, when we discussed the topic first time. He admitted that he have watched (which is obvious of course), but I have had to do some work with myself to accept it, and not to overthink everything. I appreciated he could say it even though he knew my opinion on it. So, if I found out now, that he has been lying to me the whole time, I would leave. I couldn't do it all again, I tried so long with my ex, and this time I would only think about my own wellbeing, and leave.
    If he now told me, that he has been PMOing. I think I would give him a chance. I have said so many times, that all I want is him to be honest with me, and honesty is the one priority to me. I would appreciate his courage to tell me.

    I love him so much. He is the best person I have ever met. I want this relationship work. And everything we need is trust on each others.

    I suppose I couldn't do anything about it acutally.

    That behavior would shatter all the pieces of my confidence that is left in me. I would feel disgusted, for how he is objectifying people. I think I wouldn't be able to show myself naked to him. Or even in certain clothes. I would want to hide my body from him. I wouldn't want him to touch me. I wouldn't be able to live normal couple life with him.

    It would require a lot of work to get him stop that behavior. It would be nightmare to go with him anywhere. It is already difficult (and he's not even ogling in way I would see it, I just have the fear of him doing it without me), and I have talked about this with my therapist, and I'm practicing it. But in that situation where I knew 100% he's doing it, it would be impossible to go anywhere with him. I don't honestly know if our relationship would work in that situation. Leave him or stay, would depend greatly on how he sees that problem and how hard he is ready to work for it.

    Reading this made my eyes wet. This is exactly how it is. I have explained this many times to him. I still remind this to him, because it is important that I don't blame him for watching P, but I got this overwhelming fear about getting betrayed again. I have explained BT to him and made him to read some articles and he have been very receptive. I know that he would answer he would stay.

    But he still feels sometimes I blame him for "things he doesn't do". That is the reason he gets upset with me. Every time I have to remind him that I don't want to blame you and it's not your fault. I know this is difficult for him too. But we have come so far already and things are much better than 6-9 months ago. If he wasn't committed with me, he would have left long time ago. This wouldn't be easy to no one. He must believe that this is something we can overcome, and I'm worth it.

    Wow... writing that "I'm worth it" felt so good.... If I wasn't worth the fighting, he would have left long time ago. He is not stupid.
     
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  11. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Bravo!

    Yes, journaling is SOOOOO helpful. Given the level of anxiety you have, given your inner voice is soooo powerful over you, given you have trauma from when you were little (trauma reverts us back to our age of the incident--usually kids---we get paralyzed by the things that affected us), given all these things, you need to write a LOT I believe.

    I also have a HUGE "fear of being judged." I am terrified of what people think of me. Even writing here (even under a pseudonym) i cringe at any criticism.

    I want to respond to your feedback on the 3 questions:

    1). I think you need to write your feelings 10 more times. Lots more fears to detect, disarm and destroy.
    You said, a discovery of pmo would leave you disgusted, discouraged, betrayed, angry, hurt, and you would leave. You could not do a relationship like that again.

    But in the next sentence you say if he tells you he was PMO'ing, then you would give him a chance. You go on to say you value truth over pain.

    Here you appear to be giving opposite answers.
    You are saying you will Leave and then you are saying you will Stay.
    You say you can't "do this again," then actually say you would do this again. :)

    Here's my question: why do you say one thing, then reverse it in the same sentence?
    What is causing you to take a strong stance on PMO discovery?
    What is causing you to reverse that stance?
    Do you think this has anything to do with emotional boundaries?
    How do you understand boundaries within a relationship?

    #2
    You said you can't do anything (about him oogling).
    Do your feelings obey the truth you stated that you cannot do anything? (or do your feelings go against the truth?)
    If you cannot do anything on this point, then is the real question whether you either will love him with this problem or leave him for it? (that would be admitting you cannot change him)... BTW--most women think they CAN change their men to mold them they way they need them....do you think you can change your boyfriend (if he were to admit to oogling?)

    #3) I am glad I was able to express your fears the way you feel them.
    What percentage of your anxiety or betrayal trauma is dependent on your boyfriends actions? Meaning-- do you get an anxiety attack 80% of the time because of your boyfriend's actions?
    Does his actions cause anxiety 50% of the time?
    When you feel anxious, does it really have anything to do with your boyfriend you think?

    As a parent I give you this example, I would want my son to make good choices. It's ultimately his choice. However, if I do not make a clear boundary, I will feel guilty, or hold myself accountable for his actions. Boundaries are something I struggle with personally, and as I read your story, I see some unhealthy blending of two distinct individuals. You are
     
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  12. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I'm gonna reply quickly on one thing, then next week I will use some time to reply better.

    My point was, that I would appreciate if he was honest with me and told about P use himself, and I might give him a chance. But if I discover it myself, I would be done instantly.

    If he told it himself, I would still feel betrayed and devastated by it. But for me it is a good sign that he told it.

    It is still tricky to think about what I would do, if he told. And it depends did he start PMO recently, or did he do it the whole time we have been together.

    It is really difficult question. Maybe one chance. I don't want to torture myself anymore.
     
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  13. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    It’s ok you are being brave. Keep writing sis!!
     
  14. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Been so tired. Came home yesterday evening from the summer cottage. Weekend was full of socialization which is very exhausting for me. I feel like I already was mentally tired before going there, and today I have been extremely tired. I was in nightgown until 6 pm, and changed because I needed to go get something to eat. Even that was too much but I was starving. I would have much to write but I'll do it later.
     
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  15. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday I met two of my friends, different ones that I wrote earlier.

    Friend S needed some urgent support and she needed to talk about what has happened to her. Friend A is on summer holiday from work and she suggested if we come to see S after S's work. I had 200 km to S and I still was tired but this never happens that she needed something, so of course I was going. A lives in half way through so I met her in half way and we drove together to S.

    I always enjoyed spending time with them, they never made me feel that way I was weird or something is wrong with me. They have been my friends my whole life, the longest friendships I have. But after middle school we went to different schools and cities and we have been together maybe once a year or less. But always remained friends.

    But now I'm in very sensitive state of mind. Friend A was triggering me, without her knowing it. They don't know about my problems because they seem to be very open and accept their husband/boyfriend P use and all. They always talk about it like it is not a big deal and it's normal. Yeah it's normal, I get it ...

    Friend A likes to watch P herself too. Yesterday she told that she wanted to go to strip club on her work trip and she got one of her colleague (male) with her. I was so triggered but hide it. I have been reading and listening so much about the harms of P and I'm concerned about the human rights of the prostitutes and women in the industry in general. My opinion is that if you are supporting strip clubs and P, you are supporting abuse.

    Then they talked about how they miss the excitement in the relationship and they want men attention and sometimes it crosses the line and they know it crosses the line. I was like that with my ex. But I didn't get anything from him. I wanted to hug other men, I wanted to feel their touch, I enjoyed flirting... Because I missed my ex's touch so bad. And I was so angry at him for choosing P over me. Now I don't need anything else and my needs are fulfilled with my boyfriend. My friends say it is because our relationship is so fresh. But I know that it won't change as long as my boyfriend gives his attention for me and I feel loved and desired. I don't need anything outside from my relationship. I also said that I don't want him to flirt or want others, so why would I do that to him. They didn't say anything back.

    I would like to tell them what I have gone through and talk about my opinions and educate them about the harms of P and they might see how it has affected to them and their relationships too. But it feels too risky. I'm not strong enough.

    I remember one time friend A said that she felt rejected and sad when her boyfriend said he already PMOed and no sex tonight.

    Friend S's husband talks like he won't make the mistake again and have sex with her wife (previous "mistakes" gave them 2 babies), and now on he's going to M. I know he's joking but I get triggered.

    My life is so difficult. It seems like I can't have any social activities anymore because it's always about P or then I get sad because they get me thinking that everyone wants other people outside their relationships.

    Now I'm upset because all my fears are present. If my boyfriend is now loyal to me, what it will be in couple of years? Will he be bored with me? Will he want excitement even though I try to give him everything he needs and wants from me? Will he fantasize about other women when I'm too familiar, no matter what I do?

    Oh and back to the strip club thing. The male colleague was married. Would it be ok to his wife if she knew he went to strip club with his female colleague...

    I'm so anxious... If I had to let my boyfriend to work trip, this would be in my mind.

    I'm having mild migraine. I think it's getting worse and I'm not even home yet so I don't have meds.

    How to survive until Friday when my boyfriend comes home.... This is killing me because i need him and his support, and I need to talk to him and then he's away all the time and I have to be alone with this.
     
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  16. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Yayy it's Friday again. Boyfriend coming home earlier than usual. I miss him.

    We had argue over texting again yesterday evening. And I got no good morning message today. He always send it first because he wakes up very early. Every time I'm sad for not getting morning message. But I sent good morning nevertheless.

    I've lost my sense of time again because I have been in that deep dark place for like 2 weeks already. I haven't worked my school projects at all and i feel really bad about it. I'm telling myself that I'm stupid lazy piece of crap. Or piece is not enough, I'm the whole pile.

    Before sinking in here again, I felt I was doing great progress. Now I feel I have lost it all and I have to start over.

    On Wednesday we had a P discussion with my boyfriend. I don't remember all the content of it now but it left me feel better. We shared our opinions on it and what we value in our relationship. It was mostly the same things we have talked before but I need reminders so I keep my sanity.

    In the beginning of our relationship he said that in his opinion P doesn't belong in healthy relationship. I hope he will remember that rest of our lives.

    He agreed that it's not healthy and not necessary for living. I used to live in that belief for years that no man can live without it and I really believed men can't even M without P. Because it's so normal. Everybody else around me supports P and the whole society is about P. At least in my eyes.

    When I told my boyfriend the first time that I don't accept P use from him. I said that you might think I'm stupid and crazy jealous girlfriend but I just can't live happily if you watch P. He replied it's not stupid. I was completely normal. The first time ever, someone told me I wasn't stupid or overreacting. (I hadn't found nofap yet but I started to think if there are others with me)

    It has taken over a year for me to fully believe that he meant what he has said. And to trust on him that he respects me. I had the fear he would go PMO if we had argues, as a revenge for me, or if he's angry he doesn't care about me. It has been difficult road for him to prove himself because I used to doubt everything he says.

    I still have minor fears about that he would M to psubs, but I trust that he's not looking "the real P". Mostly I trust that he doesn't.

    He values loyalty in relationship. Loyalty in deep in our hearts. I can't explain it but I feel it in my heart that it's very important value to him and I believe he doesn't want to break it. He has the dreams about getting married and have babies and give his family the full love from his heart. He is very emotional and sensitive inside. I loooove that in him. He is like me, but a man. He is my perfect match.

    My biggest dream is that I heal from this. And I learn to trust him and I get my intuition fixed and I'm able to trust in my intuition, so I don't fear things for no reason.

    But the surroundings make it so difficult. Triggers everywhere. This is hard battle and sometimes I feel too tired to fight it.
     
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  17. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I have been thinking about trust today.

    Relationship with my ex feels like a huge lie. I don't know if he was honest at all. He never confessed he was watching P. He said he never M'd. He was just tired and stressed out. I thought I was crazy for thinking he would lie about PMO, I took care of him when he didn't have any energy to do anything. I let him stay home and went shopping, after that I cooked and cleaned. I was working days and studying and attending classes every evening. He paid his mortgage and said me I had to do alone all the cleaning and chores because I didn't have to pay rent. I was so in love with him and I wanted to keep him happy. I was just wondering why he didn't want to be intimate with me, no cuddling, hugs, anything. I thought he was just tired after his 8 hours at work. I didn't have the permission to be tired because we needed to eat and someone has to clean up.

    And when I knew what was going on, he didn't appreciate me one bit, I wasn't worthy of truth from him. I wasn't worthy of anything in his eyes, only for housekeeping. I never saw an effort from his side to try to make things better. For years I tried all I could to fix things, because he made me think it was my fault that I wasn't happy, he said he was happy all the time.

    It still hurts me. I never even suspected he would lie to me. I thought we are in love. He violated my ability to trust on anyone. I don't even find words to describe it. And I don't know if he ever realized the damage he did.

    How do I know it's not the same cycle of lies again? How long it takes to find out that my boyfriend is a liar too? Will I find myself again thinking about what's wrong with him, and blame myself for not being good/sexy/pretty/nice enough?

    I'm hopeless. I think I write this in every post, but I only want to be happy. I don't care about materialism (my ex did buy me expensive gifts, it was all the "love" I got), I don't want big house or nice car, I don't need riches, I'm happy if I have a place to live and get to eat, and most importantly, I could trust my life partner in every situation, and I didn't have to doubt his words.
     
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  18. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I really appreciate your post. If you keep writing like this someone may fall in love with you.

    I don’t think there is anything I read that makes me swoon more than the heart of a broken woman. It’s what a real man is designed to protect and serve.

    The pondering you have, if it can be read by me , a stranger and can swell in awe of your heart.

    Your doubts on your body will need to be addressed by you, not your partner whoever he may be. You sound absolutely beautiful; I know the physical is always subjective , but there are lots of guys who would want to talk to you without even seeing you.
     
  19. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    My boyfriend said yesterday that I'm super intelligent. I lol'd to it because I always think my intelligence through how I success in school, or where I'm not so good at, for example it's difficult to concentrate on reading text or write essays. I always feel like I don't have enough brain capacity and I don't remember things I want to remember. I remember useless stuff.

    But then I replied to him again that yeah, maybe I am and that's why my life is so hard. If I didn't think so much I would be happier. I analyze everything in him. I analyze others, but not as much. I also analyze myself. Trying to find logic in everything (maybe that's why I'm soon-to-be engineer :p). I've said to him sometimes I wish I was really dumb and not understand anything, and I would live happily in ignorance. I need the thinking part removed from my brain.

    My style in writing here is that I just analyze myself and how I think about things. It's some sort of therapy for me. I appreciate your questions @need4realchg because some of them make me realize something more that I didn't think myself.

    At the beginning of our relationship he triggered me few times, when he didn't know my situation well. And mostly the triggers were not very bad generally, if I was healthy I wouldn't been triggered. So those little triggers are occasionally coming in my mind.

    Sometimes I might get triggered by his actions, even though his actions shouldn't be triggering a healthy person. For example what he is watching on TV. Or if he logs on his Facebook (he doesn't go to Facebook so often anymore, I've noticed 3 times he used it during this year and I haven't said that it triggers me but somehow he knows I think. And that is also one thing, that makes me overthink like: what if he doesn't use it because he knows that he would see hot pics of girls and have inappropriate thoughts and he is trying to be loyal to me. Same thing with Instagram, he stopped using it after couple months of dating without me saying anything about it. I'm happy that he doesn't use them but these thoughts are killing me sometimes). Argh I feel huge pressure in my chest now when I wrote it down......

    Then I use to think what kind of girls he fantasized before we started dating. I hate it. Like I'm comparing myself to every celebrity and every girl on the street, "is she something that would turn him on" etc.

    I live in the state of mind where EVERY guy is women objectifying perv. I see it myself every time I'm alone somewhere. Then I get those looks. When I'm running, men stare at me from their cars. They have honked, stopped in front of me when they would have plenty of time to drive past me before I cross the road. I prefer running in forest trails but I have to cross some roads to get there. Just last weekend at supermarket there was a man who stared at me uncomfortably many times when we happened to be in the same aisle. And he was with young boy I assumed was his son. I was thinking does he have wife at home as well. He was disgusting. I felt scared.

    My ex was very strict of what I was allowed to wear in public. He always said I was that kind of girl men liked and he didn't want me to be too "slutty" and I don't even dress revealing clothes. Hahahaa and still he chose to watch naked P women instead of me. I hate this world.

    So.... is there any man existing in this world who could genuinely say that he is not objectifying every woman he sees? Can my boyfriend truly be one of them, if they exist? I don't think he would stare at girls in public, but how would I know when he is without me. Maybe he is just very careful when he is with me.

    I haven't been doing good at all in many weeks. Yesterday morning was very good, I thought it's going to be good day (I even worked on my school project!!!!), and it was until evening. First good day in weeeeks. And it didn't even last the whole day. I didn't sleep well, I had nightmares of finding out my boyfriend was hiding something, probably P. And now I don't know how to survive through this day. I'm going into panic mode. I'm strolling around the apartment not knowing what to do. I wish I could go to sleep but my brain are hyperactive. I'm going crazy again, after I really thought the crazy phase was over.

    I'm so anxious of next weekend. We are supposed to go to my boyfriend's parents who live 500 km away. I feel like I want isolate myself in home. Again a weekend without a possibility to spend time alone with my boyfriend. I have to clear my head before that. But I don't know how....
     
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  20. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    Oh I have more something I want to write.

    Last weekend with my boyfriend was actually GREAT. We were both happy. I only had minor doubts which I told him and he made me believe those were pointless. Now, the devil is on my shoulder telling me they were not pointless.

    We had long discussion about P, M and our relationship. It was all in a good spirit. He was open and answered my questions and told his opinions and thoughts. I gained more trust on him.

    But. The devil on my shoulder, now when it is there, it's asking the "what if..." questions. What if he is the super intelligent here and genius at disguising his real actions and thoughts.

    I really sound like a crazy woman.
     
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