hey guys, The story I am about to share with you is going to be a large one, so better grab a coffee At the moment of writing, I am feeling physically sick to a point where I suffer from headaches and stomach cramps. No, this is not because I have a flu or because I ate wrong food. It is because I am depressed, anxious and extremely lonely. Do not worry, I did not decide to start this post to complain or ask for compassion. In fact, the only reason I write this is because I feel good about sharing it and also I hope some people may find it useful. Firstly, I will describe to you who I was about 3 years ago and I will slowly get to the present moment where I feel I am in the deepest dark point in my life, ever. When I started my bachelor at university about 4 years back I was 18 and full of energy and spirit. I had a big group of friends, of which 1 really close friend. All of my friends enjoyed being in my presence and always admired my fearlessness when it comes to meeting women. In fact, I was most succesful in getting women on dates and in the bed from the entire group. Now this is not something I want to brag about but it gives you an idea about how fearless I was and how I actually did not give any fuck about being rejected. I was full of spirit to learn languages and by now I have managed to learn Spanish and German fluently (I am Dutch myself). I also got a girlfriend, a Spanish good looking woman who was on Erasmus in my city. Everything was going brilliant... But then, when I decided to go abroad for my internship everything went downhill. I ended up in a fully Spanish office in which it was really difficult to communicate for me. I had trouble truly connection with colleagues and outside of work it was difficult because I has to make new friends and my family wasnt there. I had a really difficult time and I called with my girlfriend everyday (who had fnished her erasmus and moved back to her home town in another part of Spain). She clearly had trouble seeing me being to energy depleted and couldnt do much to really help me just like my family because she wasnt physically there. After some weeks I ended up in a negative spiral and I was stupid enough to mess it up with my girlfriend. In the end I finished my internship with great feedback from my colleagues and they told me I did much better than other interns. I was happy to hear this but still I was sort of depressed, or whatever.. I dont really know what I felt like back then, but that aside. I went back home after an internship of 5 months with the expectation to get better and such. Instead, I did not manage to get my energy levels back and started another internship that not at all motivated me. I feel that it didnt motivate me because of my energy levels. I say that because I think I could have made it fun but I was depressed. After this internship was finished (the research report I had to make was graded insufficient and I failed the internship) things got even worse. I did not feel like getting a job and have now sat at home for a few months. Looking back it has been a grave mistake to sit at home for so long but honestly I do not feel ready to do another internship. To give you an indication of my mental state: if I go for a walk and greet someone down the street I almost get emotional because I feel like I am a failure to society. It might be a very dark and nasty place where I am at, but I am willing to work myself through and get better... But it is very difficult to know how this can be done.. The MOST IMPORTANT lessons I have learnt from all of this: There are places on the internet where people give tips on how you can feel better. These tips actually work but they do not actually solve the problem. I will not post a picture of myself but I can tell you; my physical state is something like this: (I had to search for a while but guy on the left resembles my physique perfectly, just without tattoos) But still I do not feel confident. I feel better, but it doesnt solve my problems. When I think about it: HOW THE FUCK can I not feel confident with a body like this. My body is beast but my mind is like crap. Girls look at me in the gym and I just cannot approach them or even look back confidently and they notice that immediatly. I sometimes even think that they are surprised I have such a body but my mind is not worth it. BUT it is my mind that achieved this body in the first place... I am so lost... This week I will contact a doctor and explain my story and I will probably post here from time to time about how its going just because I like sharing it.