Loneliness, Depression and Anxiety

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Coolbreeze, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    hey guys,

    The story I am about to share with you is going to be a large one, so better grab a coffee ;)

    At the moment of writing, I am feeling physically sick to a point where I suffer from headaches and stomach cramps. No, this is not because I have a flu or because I ate wrong food. It is because I am depressed, anxious and extremely lonely. Do not worry, I did not decide to start this post to complain or ask for compassion. In fact, the only reason I write this is because I feel good about sharing it and also I hope some people may find it useful.

    Firstly, I will describe to you who I was about 3 years ago and I will slowly get to the present moment where I feel I am in the deepest dark point in my life, ever. When I started my bachelor at university about 4 years back I was 18 and full of energy and spirit. I had a big group of friends, of which 1 really close friend. All of my friends enjoyed being in my presence and always admired my fearlessness when it comes to meeting women. In fact, I was most succesful in getting women on dates and in the bed from the entire group. Now this is not something I want to brag about but it gives you an idea about how fearless I was and how I actually did not give any fuck about being rejected. I was full of spirit to learn languages and by now I have managed to learn Spanish and German fluently (I am Dutch myself). I also got a girlfriend, a Spanish good looking woman who was on Erasmus in my city. Everything was going brilliant... But then, when I decided to go abroad for my internship everything went downhill. I ended up in a fully Spanish office in which it was really difficult to communicate for me. I had trouble truly connection with colleagues and outside of work it was difficult because I has to make new friends and my family wasnt there. I had a really difficult time and I called with my girlfriend everyday (who had fnished her erasmus and moved back to her home town in another part of Spain). She clearly had trouble seeing me being to energy depleted and couldnt do much to really help me just like my family because she wasnt physically there. After some weeks I ended up in a negative spiral and I was stupid enough to mess it up with my girlfriend. In the end I finished my internship with great feedback from my colleagues and they told me I did much better than other interns. I was happy to hear this but still I was sort of depressed, or whatever.. I dont really know what I felt like back then, but that aside. I went back home after an internship of 5 months with the expectation to get better and such. Instead, I did not manage to get my energy levels back and started another internship that not at all motivated me. I feel that it didnt motivate me because of my energy levels. I say that because I think I could have made it fun but I was depressed. After this internship was finished (the research report I had to make was graded insufficient and I failed the internship) things got even worse. I did not feel like getting a job and have now sat at home for a few months. Looking back it has been a grave mistake to sit at home for so long but honestly I do not feel ready to do another internship. To give you an indication of my mental state: if I go for a walk and greet someone down the street I almost get emotional because I feel like I am a failure to society. It might be a very dark and nasty place where I am at, but I am willing to work myself through and get better... But it is very difficult to know how this can be done..

    The MOST IMPORTANT lessons I have learnt from all of this:
    There are places on the internet where people give tips on how you can feel better. These tips actually work but they do not actually solve the problem. I will not post a picture of myself but I can tell you; my physical state is something like this:
    [​IMG]
    (I had to search for a while but guy on the left resembles my physique perfectly, just without tattoos)

    But still I do not feel confident. I feel better, but it doesnt solve my problems. When I think about it: HOW THE FUCK can I not feel confident with a body like this. My body is beast but my mind is like crap. Girls look at me in the gym and I just cannot approach them or even look back confidently and they notice that immediatly. I sometimes even think that they are surprised I have such a body but my mind is not worth it. BUT it is my mind that achieved this body in the first place... I am so lost...

    This week I will contact a doctor and explain my story and I will probably post here from time to time about how its going just because I like sharing it.
     
    selfimprovement8008 and CH3RRY like this.
  2. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. The problem with depression, as far as my own understanding goes, is once it's set in it it can be hard to shift. It's like it sits in your body and mind, like a disease. I've struggled with mild to moderate depression for years. A few years ago I was getting very bad and was struggling to function normally. I am getting better and better now but it's taken me years to get to this point. Fortunately I have learnt a few things along the way that might help others heal much faster. Speaking to your doc is a good idea. But you also need loads of love and support from family and friends. Reach out to anyone you love and trust. Keep exercising, but for your mind/stress levels rather than to get a certain body. Depression is soul-deep, it doesn't care too much for how you look physique-wise. You basically need to reset and get all that negativity out. Your whole mind and body needs to rest. Are you spiritual at all?
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2019
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  3. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    Hey buddy, actually I am not any spiritual although I have tried many things that just won’t seem to help in the long run. I have read about religion and such but it won’t really get to me on that level its supposed to be. Its like I have been raised very sober and real and look at situations as they are without going to deep into it. I must say I have no desire to get real spiritual and am convinced my state can improve without it but it just seems like impossible right now. To be honest I had 3 supposedly fun activities planned today for the weekend but I already cancelled 1 and probably will cancel the other 2 because I have no energy to be social. Going for a walk is possible but in social situations I am not present at all. Everything is one massive blur and I am in dreamland 24/7. Also: I do not really get excited from these activities whereas I did before.

    The thing you mentioned about having a good physique is true. In addition, it sort of feels like I have cheated my way to get this body but that’s not true. Its like I feel guilty because I have had so much time to go to the gym because I wasnt working and such.

    I have reached out to all my loved ones but I find it difficult to continue reaching out because I don’t want to keep bothering them somehow.. Any advice on this?

    Regards
     
  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    There are very wealthy / physically gifted / famous people out there that are very insecure and unhappy. They like to focus on all the external things that they think would fulfill them, but once they attain it... they realize that it doesn't and they spiral even further downwards.

    All the external things people think would make them happy isn't really what they want. What they really want is to change the way that they experience themselves. It doesn't matter where you are, who you're with, what you have, or what you're doing... wherever you go there you are. You're the one experiencing all of it. If something makes you sad, it's because you're someone that chooses to perceive and react that way towards that external thing. Life is very uncertain, difficult, messy, and unideal. We don't really have much control, but it's your responsibility to choose how you perceive and react towards it all. To neglect that responsibility would make you like a leaf in the wind reacting randomly to life's events. Always chasing happiness and thus never truly having it. If only I had this or that... if only it wasn't like this... if only if that person was in my life... if only I had more of this... Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.

    You've focused so much on your career and your physique, but you've neglected your emotional intelligence and mental strength.

    If you want to keep playing the "I'll be happy when life goes my way" game... you'll always end back up in this depression. Just like all the famous people that have committed suicide in recent years.

    Right now you keep trying to escape the present. You keep wanting life to be how it was in the past or you yearn for a better future, but you're not doing everything to make the most of what you currently have. That resistance to experience your current place is the anxiety / loneliness / depression you feel. You keep thinking this isn't how it's supposed to be.... that resistance to how things really are is the anxiety / loneliness / depression you feel.
     
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  5. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    You are totally right mate. I have been living in a very dark place and its time to climb back out into the light. Today I went to see the doctor for this stuff and I have made some rules that I will now implement in my life. Gonna look for a job that is somehow physical because I dont wanna sit down all down. Probably some kind of production work that pays well because I might do some weekend shifts as well. In addition to this, I will implement a standard 8 o clock alarm always, also on free days. I will start with some breakfast and go for a walk or a run depending on how energized I am. I hope I can find a job soon that motivates me and gives me energy. But also a jobs that occupies my mind so I wont be thinking about bullshitty things that dont matter thinking about all day. So, essentially: I will restart my NoFap cycle as well and continue (as always) my daily gym session and extremely healthy diet. If everything works out I might find myself on the path to a more happy and confident me. I will write here again in a few days. Peace.
     
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  6. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    sit down all day* LOL
     
  7. selfimprovement8008

    selfimprovement8008 Fapstronaut

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    I probably shoudnt make such suggestions but try an unhealthy diet for a week
    seriously just eat some carbs and then go and workout you will get an incredible pump
    and feel pretty good. Now it just came to mind as i read the posts and replies, maybe sometimes its imperfection that counters the side effects of perfection.
     
  8. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    It's good that you went to see the doc. Will you be getting any form of talking therapy at all? Then you can talk things through without worrying that you're bothering your friends and family too much. Also journalling is good. Ultimately only you can fix this but it's good to let your family and friends know what's going on because they will support you.
     

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