Lately these days I feel like I'm in a hole and not allowing myself to feel ok. I have been trying to go out and meet girls but it took copious amount of willpower to make even the most simple shortest conversations with women. But now I don't feel like approaching any girls and in fact not in the mood to connect with anyone. Today I tried to go for a walk for almost an hour just to clear my head but all it did was to make me feel worse. I saw all these happy couples walking around so carefree and enjoying life in general. I went past my college campus and saw all these groups of my fellow students who were just playing around, having fun. Some where flirting with each other, others were playing games and living in the moment while I was watching from the distance unable to go there and connect with any of them. Everyone was just socialising and feeling happy while I was alone staring longingly with desperation in my eyes. I went home and after about 10 minutes of sitting and staring at the couch I spontaneously broke in tears for the first time after years. I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone by taking small steps but my actions are sporadic and my progress feels minimal to zero. I'm trying as hard as I can but something is stopping me from going after what I want. I don't know how to just get out and have fun or connect with other people. I tried drinking alcohol and anti-anxiety pills (on separate occasions) but I still couldn't muster the courage to say even a fucking 'hello' to any random person. I do not suffer from social anxiety or anything like that and I don't plan on committing suicide on any day in the near future. But on the other hand I have this unbearable feeling that does not let me do anything and keeps me awake at the same time. I don't know what to do.