Loneliness and lack of women gets the worst out of me

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by MarcusA, May 16, 2016.

  1. MarcusA

    MarcusA Fapstronaut

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    Lately these days I feel like I'm in a hole and not allowing myself to feel ok. I have been trying to go out and meet girls but it took copious amount of willpower to make even the most simple shortest conversations with women. But now I don't feel like approaching any girls and in fact not in the mood to connect with anyone.

    Today I tried to go for a walk for almost an hour just to clear my head but all it did was to make me feel worse. I saw all these happy couples walking around so carefree and enjoying life in general. I went past my college campus and saw all these groups of my fellow students who were just playing around, having fun. Some where flirting with each other, others were playing games and living in the moment while I was watching from the distance unable to go there and connect with any of them. Everyone was just socialising and feeling happy while I was alone staring longingly with desperation in my eyes.

    I went home and after about 10 minutes of sitting and staring at the couch I spontaneously broke in tears for the first time after years. I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone by taking small steps but my actions are sporadic and my progress feels minimal to zero. I'm trying as hard as I can but something is stopping me from going after what I want.

    I don't know how to just get out and have fun or connect with other people. I tried drinking alcohol and anti-anxiety pills (on separate occasions) but I still couldn't muster the courage to say even a fucking 'hello' to any random person.

    I do not suffer from social anxiety or anything like that and I don't plan on committing suicide on any day in the near future. But on the other hand I have this unbearable feeling that does not let me do anything and keeps me awake at the same time. I don't know what to do.
     
  2. Lesoldat

    Lesoldat Fapstronaut

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    I know what you're going through mate.
    Do you have friends ? family ?
     
  3. MarcusA

    MarcusA Fapstronaut

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    I only have 1 friend in college but we are both busy studying at this time. I will be seeing my family and old friends when I get back to my home country during the summer.
     
  4. Lesoldat

    Lesoldat Fapstronaut

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    Ok. If you live alone i know why you can feel depressed sometimes.. what about the people in your classroom ?
    Maybe you should find a sport or activity you can share with people ? that's honestly the best way to meet some new friends.
     
  5. MarcusA

    MarcusA Fapstronaut

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    There are no classes right now because it is the final exam period and I'm not interested in any of the activities or clubs offered by the university.
     
  6. noviceambition

    noviceambition Fapstronaut

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    Hello, I would address your depression by finding out what you eat and if you may have any vitamin deficiencies. I would also encourage you to put girls on the side and develop yourself. The reason why you may feel jealous of couples and whatnot is because you don't have anything going on in your life of similar caliber. Seriously, find a hobby you find interesting and exploit it. Here is a scenario:

    Say you wanted to learn how to cook. Learning how to cook is great because it teaches you nutrition and is very important for survival. I'm learning how to cook myself but am currently learning about diets to improve my nutrition. Start with making breakfast - cooking with eggs. Find a video on how to make an easy omelette and write down the ingredients you need to buy to make it. Now you need to go to the grocery store and pick them up. I will guarantee that you will find women in the produce section looking for good quality vegetables/fruits. I'm not being sexist here, the focus is on you being comfortable around women. You realize that you don't know which vegetable is good quality so you ask someone nearby for some help to find one. Man or female it doesn't matter, they will be delighted to help you if they can. If not, you can always find someone else. Now that you've got all your ingredients you can go home and make your omelette. It doesn't matter if it's night or day when you make it, just make it. Maybe you live with someone who knows how to cook and they can help you. Otherwise videos/books/experience is your best bet. You will surely fail if it is your first time cooking an omelette, unless your past life was a chef. If you fail, try it again the next day. If you've finally made it after trial and error, you can eat it and feel good about it. Then you can explore other foods to make. If not, you are doomed... just kidding. It's always easier to have someone show you how make it. Or maybe you can join a cooking forums and ask them for help. Then later when you meet a girl you can bring up food. Trust me, nearly everyone loves eating food unless they're fasting like Siddhartha. What is related to food? Well making the food of course! The trick to carrying a conversation is to find out what they're interested in and listen to their story or make connections yourself. It's really that simple. Even if it's some small talk, you will feel good.

    And one last thing, your reality is a reflection of yourself. If you want a better life you need to go out and create it, especially if you're an adult. You will continue to suffer if you don't have the resolve to make your life better. The universe does not care, you have to care. Humans add meaning to their lives this way. So if you fail, try again and never give up. You're not alone on this forums, so you're not lonely. There are millions of communities out there, online or offline. When I felt lonely, I connected better to nature. The birds were my friends (even though they had no idea lol).
     
    tyler007 likes this.
  7. TheIdealMan

    TheIdealMan Fapstronaut

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    Just do it.
    Walk up to them and say hello.
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  8. MarcusA

    MarcusA Fapstronaut

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    @noviceambition Thanks a lot for taking the time to give me a thorough (and funny) response. Do you recommend any list of hobbies that don't require using the pc? I searched on google and they all seem boring and short in duration.

    @TheIdealMan This is useless advice with no actionable steps. It's easier said than done. The 'just do it' advice is for very few if any people on this planet.
     
  9. noviceambition

    noviceambition Fapstronaut

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    Reading is a good one, pick up subject of interest that you like and learn about it, it can also be used like a "did you know" to continue a conversation. Subjects that the other person might be interested also is good. Subjects like history, mythology, biology (some cool feature about an insect/animal), etc.

    Learn how to play basketball. Buy a new basketball from a sports store, then practice making shots at the basket and maybe asking people around for advice. I don't know how safe your neighborhood is but find a safe place to play if you're going alone. You can also ask friends to join you too. And if you go frequently enough, you might see the same people and make friends with them. Basketball is an easy sport to pick up because it's easier to put courts for public use than it is fields and cheaper I think. This is a good way to start getting more exercise too.

    Community service. This will help you develop people skills. If you can't get a job yet (too young) or are working already, you can still do this. It's also more friendly with your schedule. I think internet sources would be easier to find out about places than going in person, but you can always start from publicly open places like your local library, museum, nature center, etc. If you volunteer long enough you can even put it on your resume later on.

    Sorry if these might be the boring ones. I don't think staying completely away from your pc is the best way to cure your pmo, but if you have triggers when you turn it on then you may have no choice. It will be fun once you find a community to be in from these new hobbies. Any hobby that you join will be that way, and will enhance your experience. Doing things with others is a lot more fun than by yourself, unless you're the opposite and fine with it. Forums are so widely available now, but it is on the pc. So, by limiting the pc you're limiting a lot of things that may help you too. I encourage you to find other ways to use a pc like maybe a public library's pc or public university's. That way you wont view P even if you wanted to because there is a risk now.
     
    MarcusA and tyler007 like this.
  10. oooo

    oooo Fapstronaut

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    I completely recognize your story, its exactly the same as i feel things.
    I still don't know what it is, some people say genetics, some say its all because of fapping.
    I've also tried many things, meditation, anxiety pills, reading about it.
    I wish i could help you, the only thing i can say is that you are not alone.
    More people have this problem, do you have many friends?
     
  11. volt2187

    volt2187 Guest

    That's not true at all. My problem all my life, until this last year or so, is I would be stuck in my head, ALWAYS second guessing everything I would do, whether it's to join a gym to lose weight or approach a girl. When I finally got over the fears I created for myself, I just started telling myself to "just do it", because what's the worst that can happen? Sometimes you need to pump yourself up and having that attitude is sometimes what is needed to do something that is outside of your comfort zone. I did a zipline for the first time of my life a month ago, and it's because I just said screw it, just do it, you'll regret it later if you don't.

    You say you don't have social anxiety, but why is it you walk past all those groups and don't try to join in or even just walk up to them and introduce yourself? You have to take action. I've learned, after being stubborn for YEARS, if you want something you have to take the action to get it, you can't expect it to magically fall into your life, whether it's a social group, a girlfriend or a good job. Trust me, I've been in your exact shoes. This last christmas I went to a party, only to freeze up and only talk to a couple of people for a minute max, only to cry on my way home, for the very reasons you cried (seeing happy couples and others socializing).

    How far along are you with quitting pmo? Have any streaks going? Speaking from my personal experience, slowly quitting it and going on long streaks of not masturbating has been the magic pill for me to get me out of my shell and make me feel better about socializing and approaching girls.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 11, 2016
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  12. MarcusA

    MarcusA Fapstronaut

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    The problem is not the anxiety (the stomach 'butterflies'). It's just very hard for me to relate to other people. I'm not a super genius guy with 140 IQ but at the same time I don't take interest in the activities that most people are engaging in. I don't see the point in watching sports from tv, going out and sitting on a spot talking about random inane stuff. And yes I know I'm contradicting myself for saying that watching other people who have fun doing those things makes me feel sad.

    The main problem is the fact that everyone else seems to have figured out what they like to do while I have no idea what would make me happy for even just a moment. I'm not the type of person who would just 'let loose' and dance or drink excessively and talk with other people about every random stuff out there. I want to do something that has a bit more meaning.

    I'm just baffled by the fact that other people can have fun so easily while I can't. Their lives are not so perfect but at least they have something to look forward to after studying, no matter how silly that may be.

    Honestly, I keep having streaks of 5-10 days and then relapse again and again. I don't know if it's because I'm trying to accomplish too many things at once or I'm just secretly sabotaging myself.
     
  13. YogiBlues

    YogiBlues Fapstronaut

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    Try music. It is very healing. Reading, yoga, going for nature walks are all things you can do on your own. Cooking was an excellent suggestion. Drawing, painting, coloring, art. Write poetry even if it is dark.

    Not connecting to others can be used to great advantage by turning to meditation and connecting to your true self. When that is successful you will find yourself tremendously connected to everyone and everything and full of love and compassion. But only you can help yourself get out of this situation you find yourself in. You are your own friend and you are also your own enemy. Which aspect you choose will determine whether things get better rapidly, or stay the same or get worse. Others can only suggest. Good luck! YB
     
    MarcusA likes this.
  14. MarcusA

    MarcusA Fapstronaut

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    Yogi thanks for the reply and for not indulging in my pity party. My mood has been stabilised for the last two weeks and I'm trying to do the nofap & no porn challenge now. I started looking into different food recipes and I ask my mom to teach me how to do them (I have primitive cooking skills :p ).

    I'm also looking into learning a new intellectual game to stimulate my brain a bit. College studies and Tv show binging hasn't really challenged my brain a bit.

    I will be reporting back in a few months.
     
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  15. YogiBlues

    YogiBlues Fapstronaut

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    Dear @MarcusA , Excellent! Good to hear your mood has stabilised. I'm glad you took it the right way. I didn't mean to be unsympathetic- having been in similar situations long ago I can quite understand. I'm going to take a guess and say you're from Europe in a foreign country (maybe the US?). Being abroad with the cultural differences can be a big part of it. Cooking is a great start.

    Yes, intellectual stimulation is also a good idea.

    In terms of feeling left out, you might take a look at this post- it might be useful.

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...is-and-staying-tough.58425/page-4#post-509289
    All the best and I hope you feel great soon and reconnected. YB
     
  16. nomo

    nomo Fapstronaut

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    Try this website http://www.meetup.com, It's not a dating site. It's for meeting people to do activities that you enjoy in a group. It will get you out and let you practice socializing in a non-threatening setting.
     
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  17. KingRecover17

    KingRecover17 Fapstronaut

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    I think we should focus on getting our priorities in order before focusing on getting women because if your priorities aren't in order your always going to doubt yourself and always focus on the areas you lacking in. But the same girls we are attracted to will still be there, after we get our priorities in order. But for personally I'm not focused on getting girls at this moment I'm focus on beating this addiction and upgrading myself so when I do enter the dating field most of my main insecures will be gone and I won't be doubting myself like that because I will confidence in myself and I'm okay with living the fact that I'm going to hold out on getting girls and work on myself.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2016
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