Little Rant

Well, my flatline is over. It seems that each flatline that passes, I give a shit less and less, so this nofap is doing something to me from the inside out. I've also found my existential crisis to somewhat subside, regaining a little drive for life again. I hate the word "passion," sounds like a pussy word. Anyways, my real underlying problem:

I'm starting to realize that my PAST is what is holding me back and putting me in this catch 22, but I know a way out. I had sex only one time, along with one short relationship a long time ago. Unfortunately, my entire family knows about my relationship and love life, including my dad, which really sucks because if I do get a girlfriend, she will find out my past through my family. From there, most girls wouldn't accept my past, especially today, so there goes that. That's the hard truth. Sure, you can say there are girls out there that would accept my past, but they're the minority, and I'm not gonna waste my time looking for Ms. Perfect. When you're dealt shitty cards in life, you got to play the game dirty. My solution to all of this is simple, but rather hard to make:

Move to another state like Colorado or Texas, far away from my family, basically starting ALL over again. I will forget that I've ever had a family or past, and will make bullshit stories about my past love life and all. Aside from that, being by myself completely is what I need. I hate it had to come to this, but this is my ultimate game plan. Go ahead, call me a conartist, but I'm not gonna be mr. "nice" guy anymore and sit on the sidelines while everyone lives it up.

 

This is what I thought. Unfortunately, I cannot trust either my friends or family. From my personal experience in life, and I cannot stress this enough, is that you cannot trust ANYONE. For instance, I've found out through one of my close buddies that another friend of mind was talking about robbing one of his long-time dealers. I would have never dreamed of him contemplating such a thing toward such a close friend. I found this out very recently and it has really made me stand by the DTA "don't trust anyone" statement. It's mind boggling really. Humans are very unpredictable, no different than a tiger or wild animal.

 

The whole thing has really hurt me badly though. I basically got to choose between my family and friends or a life with a girlfriend. I have had enough of the family and friends, but it hurts me to do that to them and just drop them like that. But great life changes are usually hard and difficult, like nofap. For many years, I truly believe that me being out of state completely on my own would be hands down the best thing for me, or anyone for that matter. I highly recommend it. It really hurts though.

 

I've decided to leave them anyway. It must be a hell of a trip to make such a life changing move though. I cannot imagine the craziness that comes with ditching all the people you knew your entire life and starting over from scratch. It's a really exciting thought though, but it's something that must be done. RIP old family and friends. They'll always have a place in my heart, but unfortunately, I'm way better off without them. That's kinda sad, but it is what it is.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of faith in humanity, it's just that one innocent kinda of got my guard up a little.

 

No, they've never told anyone like that about my past, but my family is notorious for gossip, so forget them.

 

That's the thing. I just may have to. I'll see them in the after life and explain what happened. lol

 

I know what I got to do. Nobody really know what happens after death, so it's only guessing. Either way, I'm best off without them. I just can't trust anyone with that type of information. What so embarrassing about my past you ask? It's that I only had sex one time, which was an escort as of recently, and a ok relationship that didn't even last a month. This is what I have to show for at 22. Don't tell me 22 is young, women don't see it that way. This is strictly a game of chess. In my gut though, the best thing for me is to drop them and forget about them.

 

When one moves into a new life, leaving everything behind they knew and starting again, something changes drastically inside them: "
You Learn To Live Your Life For You
Stripping yourself free of everything you’ve ever known allows you to become the rawest version of yourself. There is no longer anyone around to tell you what he or she thinks you should do, and you no longer worry about what other people will think of you and how you're living.

You become the only person who dictates your life, and you can do whatever it is that makes you happy. You're not living your life to please anyone else but yourself.

It is the most independent, fearless and selfish thing you can do, and at this stage, it's okay to be selfish to an extent if it means you are happy. It's true that you only get one shot at living, so you better live for yourself without the influences of other people getting in the way of who you are.

A year ago, I basically had all my ducks in a row, but something was still missing. So I said, “Screw the ducks!” and created chaos. And a chaotic life it is. It is messy, lonely, adventurous, funny, happy, emotional and scary, but it's all mine."

 

That doesn't sound embarrassing.

 

I guess I minus well enjoy them while I can now, then onto the next book in my life. Throwing the old one out, but I'll relish these last chapters.

 

I had to pay someone for sex, pretty embarrassing, on top of only one very short relationship. Yah really impressive.