Listen UP Dear Partners of Addicts

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GhostWriter, Dec 13, 2018.

  1. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Because this is important...

    Yesterday, on behalf of a dear friend who shall remain nameless, I did some research for her on various places her addicted Partner ventured into. I forewarn you, as addicts, we've ALL ventured into cyberspace that reveals some very fucked up shit. I mean seriously fucked up. And here are some examples (and it doesn't begin to touch the surface).


    • Femdom Cuckold (watching your spouse engage in sex, and even participating at a bisexual level
    • Girls engaging in Ass-to-Mouth sex where the man withdraws his penis from her anus and immediately sticks it into her mouth (sometimes with feces on it)
    • Anal Prolapse where someone, male or female, pushes their anal cavity out externally exposing what is commonly referred to as the "rose" and engaging in orally stimulating it
    • Blowjobs to a horse/pony and/or engaging in intercourse with a dog
    • Scat where both men and women engage in sexual activity such that feces is spread about one participant or another or both, including their mouth
    • Deep colon penetration fishing long objects, sometimes as long as your arm, up into the anal cavity, and beyond into the lower and traverse colons.
    • Extreme fisting, both vaginal and anal, sometimes up to the elbow or shoulders, in an attempt to have the femdom recipient attain a massive dopamine driven orgasm
    • Being urinated on and drinking urine
    • Enema "punishment" as they call it where the rectum is filled with fluid and subsequently expelled after the recipient cannot withhold any more fluid
    • Eating food such as cereal and milk out of another one's gaping anus
    • Transexuals engaging in sexual liaisons with both Men and Women
    • Bukake (aka Bukkake) where women have multiple men ejaculate all over them
    • Child Sexual Abuse Imagery (aka Child Pornography) where prepubescent children engaged in any manner of sexual exploitation by other prepubescent children or adults.

    If you ventured into the EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING above, you'll see that what I am talking about is some pretty radical shit. And the reason I use the term "radical" instead of "disgusting", is this is some extremely embarrassing, guilt ridden, shaming activities your Partner has engaged in. I have known men who admitted to these activities and more, and while doing so, cried uncontrollably, literally shaken to the very core, beating themselves up and asking "why was I even interested in going there? WTF is wrong with me?

    Here's what you need to know about it. If you want to see the depth at which this stuff affects the addict. You needn't shame them for doing it. Trust me, they have enough of that to last a lifetime. It has very deadly consequences. I repeat, it has very deadly consequences. The addict's "Rock Bottom" is when he/she realizes there is nowhere to go but UP. When they are caught with these types of behaviors, panic sets in because even UP isn't an option from their perspective anymore. The part of their brain that engages this predicament is the fight, flight, or freeze part of the mid brain or lizard brain as it were. If you are very fortunate, he'll freeze. Fight usually comes in the form of extreme Gaslighting and can even evolve into much worse verbal and physical violence depending on the state of mind. Flight usually comes in the form of disappearing to such a state where it becomes virtually impossible to reach them, let alone help them.

    If you want to see the depths of despair, one need not look any further than the "Problematic Sexual Behaviors" Forum. I try to help these people as much as possible because I have witnessed first hand the painful trauma these people have endured. It is a very troubling place for these people to be, and it is a most difficult path, much more than simple pornography would reveal, to get beyond.

    Also, you need to understand that just because they looked at this material, doesn't necessarily mean they will engage in any of it, and most likely won't. It's their addictive brain taking them to places they would never otherwise ordinarily go. As an example, if you ever watched one of the ISIS beheadings that occurred in the past decade, it doesn't mean you have a propensity to either continue watching them or engage in any of them. I know one man who was preoccupied with watching traumatic videos of people suffering from catastrophic events (i.e. a leg blown off by an IED for example). He didn't know why he kept being attracted to those videos. He just did. It also didn't mean that he was going to go out and participate in any of it. So before you go down this path "OMG, my Partner looked at...", just remember, most people ventured down some path they aren't proud of and have watched something at one time or another, and never had any interest in acting on it. Just remember, watching material of this nature is less about an interest in the sexual activity they are watching, but the perceived necessity of getting the dopamine they so crave. If it was watching kittens play that resulted in them getting that dopamine fix, I assure you, they'd be watching kittens play instead.

    The addict is the one that has to accept their condition and own it. Until they do, there isn't anything you can do to help them. Do understand however, you needn't do anything to them because anything you do cannot possibly be any worse than what they have already done or are doing to themselves. No, you don't coddle them. You don't enable them. You don't get mean and nasty and ugly toward them. They're sick, remember? Freeze is a good state for them to be in so that they can absorb and reflect on the ramifications of their behaviors and actions. If/when they are ready to confront it, they will.

    Anyway, all comments are most welcome. I would appreciate it if you limited your feedback to positive actions/reactions. These people need help. Not ridicule. Not judgment. Help!
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2018
  2. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

    I’m taken back. Some of it didn’t surprise me. Much of it definitely did. I’m not sure what productivity can come from bringing that into the light. Are there any particular questions you have? You are often generous providing valuable feedback to my plights and I would like to do the same to this post, but I’m a bit at a loss for what direction to go.
    Mr. Tumnus, Trappist and kropo82 like this.
  3. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    These are just different things that I have compiled working with people. The entire point surrounds the fact that when you go searching for just what your Partner has been looking at, you may find some pretty radical stuff like in the Spoiler Alert. I wanted to drive the point home that just because they watched this material does not necessarily mean they are predisposed to continue watching it or engage in it. Yeah, some that stuff is pretty tough to swallow. I decided to do this thread because there are often times these things are found and the Partner is so shocked by it all, they have a lot of trouble processing it. Know it is a reflection of their addiction. Not them.
    Mr. Tumnus, Trappist and Jennica like this.
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Any kind of child porn is a 100% deal breaker for me. There would be no questions. That's not a chance I'm willing to take with my children or anyone else's. There is no treating that with kid gloves.

    ...not to mention the legal ramifications...
  5. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    That was me, I went looking and felt so naive about his usuage, (I knew crazy shit was out there but never seen it with my own eyes, never had a desire or need to before).
    I wanted to know what I was dealing with and at the time he was so secretive about it so I educated myself by research and that meant looking through sites. I wanted to ask the right questions to him and know what things were called or referred to. I needed to get an understanding. I can’t however unsee or unlearn any of that so that kinda sucks for me. Ya, I’m completely fearful for kids now a days because of it. All the crazy shit I learned trying to investigate. I know it what I know now and that’s ok in the long run but there is that part of me that feels I didn’t need to learn it for me, I was fine without it, I could have happily never seen any of it with my own eyes.
    I probably shouldn’t have went looking. I do sometimes miss my not knowing. If you know what I mean.

    Like you say GW, you don’t know what you don’t want to know until you know it. Or in this case unsee it.
    I would have rather had someone that could explain it with out my feeling I need to find it myself.
  6. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    I would have to agree with this one.
    Mr. Tumnus likes this.
  7. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    A history professor noted that Catherine the Great was killed when her favorite horse fell on her somehow; not while she was riding...

    I’d seen and heard of some of these.

    It seems part of the choices in our human path known since from Roman records. Some paths are better not followed.

    High speed internet boosts all this.

    Maybe religious discussions have a point to try to not even entertain discussions of these, but for curiosity. Don’t know.

    Learning of something
    serves to gives ideas.
    I learned of Roman Vomitoriums,
    which later informed
    my food disorder as a kid.

    Adam and Eve ate from the tree of “Knowlege”, these images and thoughts are some of those fruits?

    Kids have so much more
    of this to run across, than I;
    From what I heard from youthful sponsees in their 20’s...
    Sad to ask of the result.
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2018
    Mr. Tumnus likes this.
  8. Indira

    Indira New Fapstronaut

    Hello GhostWriter,

    Thank you for your advice.

    I've a few questions about everything...

    1) You said "just because they looked at this material, doesn't necessarily mean they will engage in any of it, and most likely won't". But, actually, reading some forums in this page what I learned is that is frequent to go a step further (for example, with prostitution). So, how can I help myself to control that those thoughts? How can I know that?

    2) what can i expect at the end of his "struggle"? Is there any hope that this will have an end? My story started 1 year ago. Obviously, there were some changes but I'm beginning to have no hope in a real change...
    Mr. Tumnus likes this.
  9. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    I’ve heard that recovery is evidenced by the actions of the addict.
    The wife of an addict said this about her husband. She sees him supporting sponsees and integrally involved in his program.

    Recovery is for you and him.
    Reach for it the best you can
    and the result will be a changed you more able to deal with this life’s struggle.

    @GhostWriter will answer your question, I’m sure.
    Mr. Tumnus and Indira like this.
  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Do you have specifics? Because if you go look where this type of topic is discussed more predominantly in the "Problematic Sexual Behaviors" Forum, you'll find that it is mostly genre and less active participation in these things. An escalation to prostitution is far different than an escalation to child pornography. But as an example, if one watches pornography of someone having sex with a dog, they're not likely to go out and have sex with a dog.
    There is always hope. What do you mean there were "...some changes..." since you're not seeing any "...hope in real change..."?
    This IS the answer. His actions and words align with one another. If you've gone a year, and you've seen very little forward progress, then that's not progress, and you're likely onto something. But one of the best tools available is Boundaries & Consequences. The problem is, either they aren't implemented properly or they aren't implemented at all. They work. Not 100% because you're never going to get 100% participants to do what they are supposed to do, but they work. So, if you haven't done so, implement Boundaries & Consequences, and start from there. I can help you with that if you want/need it.
  11. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

    Thanks @GhostWriter .

    You are doing a brilliant service to all through this post.

    I consider myself very, very lucky that I never got sucked into this highly destructive type of material. I certainly won't even be looking at the 'problematic sexual behaviours forum'. I couldn't stomach it.

    I just want to add a comment about why, I think, pornographers end up looking at this kind of material. The way the male sex brain works is that when a sexual experience becomes 'routine', under certain conditions*, it starts looking for something different, then again something different, then again, and so on. From an evolutionary biology perspective this effect is driven by polygamy. In many societies, even today, male polygamy is accepted - for example if you go to Nigeria, you will find apparently, one man who has more than a hundred wives (note: I do not condone this myself). He is a very genetically successful man, perhaps the most genetically successful man on the planet right now - he has 300+ children. He is a living example of how, at the genetic level, polygamy 'works'. Thus polygamy can be explained easily in evolutionary terms (note: I have only been married once, and have zero children).

    Now porn, to a male sex brain, is a bit like polygamy. However, it is like a turbo charged polygamy. If a man wants another sex partner, he only has to click on another icon? And if he wants to try something new, why he can click on another icon for that too? Oh, and maybe when he try's something a little bit new, he Ms and sets another little neural pathway in his brain that tells him that last experience was 'good'? His subconscious thinks his genes have just been spread in a 'good' way! Before the pornographer knows it his subconscious thinks it is spreading his genes in even more adventurous ways, and all this is genetically 'good' as more babies are going to get born to more women. Well guess what his genes don't know? His genes don't know there ain't going to be any babies, his genes don't know that the conscious has just been wacking off to beastiality, his genes don't know that their 'owner' has drifted into a very, very dark place.

    I am not, in any way, condoning the type of material you highlighted for us. I am trying to rationalise it as an evolutionary biologist though. Maybe this will help people appreciate what is going on from another perspective.

    Porn, all porn, is very dangerous. It should all be illegal. Period.

    (*What these conditions are is another topic of itself. It has a lot to do with the 'alpha male' concept. Yes, calling a pornographer a 'dirty dog' is quite appropriate).
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2019 at 4:23 AM

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