liona's journey

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by liona, Jul 31, 2018.

  1. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    short check in

    yesterday wasn't that great, I have some trouble in my relationship every time the topic "future and jobs" is in the room
    I'm tired, I just want to rest for a bit, I don't know how much I'll be able to do today. I wish I could celebrate my accomplishments, my road so far, but I just feel dirty and small.
    There are some accusations I have to process, that I'm not stable enough, my emotions are too much, I'm not confident enough... how can I build confidence when I get critique over and over. When I feel like I moved forward and it never seems to be enough. I'm really really fed up right now.
    Staying strong, the urges come and go, but I won't give in, not right now, not ever.
  2. Hey Liona, in these tough moments, you have to stay strong.. I can understand what you're going through but these are the moments which will make you a stronger person by facing them & moving through them.. All our lives, most of us have escaped to fantasy to not face the reality but sooner or later, whether we like it or not, we have to face it !!

    You're doing good, cheers & keep going :)
    Elias Smith, daemonswithin and liona like this.
  3. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 23

    I'm calmer today, spoke with her yesterday and I know that we both have issues that are not easy. I'm not always fair with her, she has pain for months now and it's not surprising that she's more on edge these days. I'm glad that she went to the doctor again today, maybe this time they figured out what's wrong.
    I'm trying out some new fasting method, I've used intermitted fasting again and again and it always helped me to at least stabilize my weight and reduce my cravings for junkfood.
    There is still this tiredness, maybe I've slept too long today. It's easier to get up if you have to, but at the same I'm so afraid of those commitments. Going to work etc.
    Next monday my therapy will finally continue. There was a pause because I had to wait for some papers but now it's settled.
    Urges come and go, I'm not really the best version of myself right now, but hopeful.
  4. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 24

    The new Fasting App I'm using does motivate me for now. I'm interested to see how it behaves in the long run.
    Surprisingly no major urges yesterday even though I didn't eat that much. I think going outside and meeting friends really does help. I keep being cautious though, I made the mistake before to think "things are so easy" just to fall back the next day and feel stupid. I'm not sure if I feel any benefits right now. Well improving my life is more than just NoFap, even though it is a big stone on my road... I'm enjoying the feeling of not wanting porn back in my life. I don't see any benefits to it. It never made me feel good, it supported my tiredness, my procrastination.
    Right now I'm just really curious to see how I'll feel once I reach my last peak of 43 days again. I didn't feel like I really accomplished something back then. Maybe it'll be the same, maybe not.
    Elias Smith and Deleted Account like this.
  5. Well I'm glad you're able to eat less & that app is helping you stay accountable !! As they say, opposite of addiction is connection !! So yes, socializing helps with the reboot, as we're often used to being alone when in the darkness of our habits!!

    You're doing pretty good Liona, cheers & keep going :)
    liona and Elias Smith like this.
  6. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    thank you soo much for your constant support! You're totally right about connection. I feel so much better now that I have this community :) And I'm glad to see you're at 10 days again! :)
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    I did a "Dopamine Fast" yesterday inspired by a YouTube video. The person described how he reduced his activities to writing, drinking water, doing light exercises and meditation for a day. No stimulations whatsoever. He does that to "reset" himself, get clarity.
    I really wanted to try this too, as I often feel like I'm getting overwhelmed by my own bad habits. Getting stuck in a trutt, even with NoFap there are plenty things that pull me down on a regular day. And there is this eating thing too, so fasting for a day didn't seem to be too scary.
    The "No Speaking" part didn't really work well, as I spoke to my girlfriend but we did talk about the fast, about where we are in life and where we want to go. So it was some form of therapeutic talking, not just nonsense. And we did have sex that night, I still have some problems, I don't feel things intensly, it's almost like a form of flatline but I guess there are urges, just more like a habit really,... I don't know. I hope that one day I'll be able to enjoy sex again, without overthinking things or pushing myself in whatever direction I think I should go. I'll write about it when that happens.
    Well other than that I did journal a lot, 9 pages or something. As I journal almost every day there were not many new insights, more confirmations for things that I already know.
    Be more patient, mindful. Eat healthy, work out etc.
    I worked out a new weekplan and I hope I'll be able to do the things I wrote onto it this time. I'm great at making plans, not so good at doing my actions.
    Right now I'm positive and hopeful. I did some walking/jogging exercise this morning instead of Yoga, because it started to frustrate me that I feel so weak on the mat. I plan on alternating between walking and yoga every other day. Hope you all are doing good :emoji_heart:
  8. rebooter920

    rebooter920 Fapstronaut

    hi liona you are dping well and i praying that you inspire on your journey.

    now i am young 17 guy suffering from pmo, but as soon i realise i turn to this nofap page.

    i don't how to build a solid foundation of first 14 days I've adk many guys but the stuff didn't work. so this time i am asking a girl according to what are the feel the voids gap and i am trying to looking for a friendship with with a girl and how should i handle the situat
  9. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Hi Rebooter :)
    I think it's great that you realise early on that you have a problem, many people are in denial for a long time.
    For me personally it helped me to look at my life and how I waste my time in general, not just with PMO. Then I thought about things I personally like to do, and maybe didn't do for a long time, like drawing, painting, writing. I find writing especially helpful. In the beginning, when my urges were just too strong I wrote in my personal journal (not on here but you can too, I think). Writing down WHY you want to relapse often helps to understand where the addiction is coming from, if you try to distract yourself from any pain or uncomfortable task/emotion. Just quitting never helps, you need some things to do, actively.
    I started to work out, do Yoga, walking, go for a run. Meditation is also great because you learn to observe your mind. And it may sound too simple at first, but it did help me incredible well. Not just with NoFap, with my eating habits too. Sometimes, taking three big slow breaths does wonderful things.
    I hope I could help you somehow, I wish you all the best!
    Deleted Account and rebooter920 like this.
  10. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 28

    I'm so grateful to be on a smooth streak right now. Things are going well enough. I'm still feeling the positive influence of the dopamine fast I did on Sunday. I still check my mobile phone too much but I'm gaining awareness. I'm also really happy with my new fasting schedule. No urges for any junkfood for 2 days now. It seems so small but I ate a whole box of Pringles nearly every day for the last few weeks, so I've gained some feeling of breaking free from my addicted mind. I'm still doing the cravings meditation with the Headspace App. I learn to feel what's the difference between hunger and craving. I hope I'll learn to implement this also for my sexual cravings. I'm often not sure if I want to get laid, just because, or if I want to have a real connection. Those last few times definitely felt more like a "satisfying my urges" thing than anything else... My girlfriend is sleeping on a mat on the floor right now because she has some issues with her back. It may be better for me to have some days without O, without any way to fall into some false actions. I want to act out of love and respect, and I'm not sure if this is always the case.
    I honestly cannot believe things are going well right now, just need a turn with my job-situation and my life would really change again. Though I'm aware that it's not the outside influences that create happiness. I'm feeling really calm right now and hopeful.
  11. rebooter920

    rebooter920 Fapstronaut

    hi liona well i encourage you to be continuing and you inspire on your journey .

    i am directly asking you for help ehat are the tools you have developed for alone or at home

    secondly how to handle sexual thoughts and urges??

    i am asking you for all the stuff for first 14 days
  12. rebooter920

    rebooter920 Fapstronaut

    i glad that you are ready yo yo help me why i switch porn and relapsed today i analysed my self in my childhood i detached from my parents i grew in such a environment of addicted, my uncle addicted to alchol and he often beat his wife, i live with them for 5 years (from 2nd class student to 6th class student ) and between this period i got addicted to masturbation first and when i came back to leave with my parents i got addicted to porn .why i am relating i going to describe. preasant day situation is my final exam of high school are nearer and i am preparing for highly competitive exam. even one the yop toughest exam of world (jee ) which exhausting my brain and i am not able come up it aldo putting stress because i am taking extra classes with high costs. but somehow in my first attempt not able to cameup so i clearly tell my parents i am not going to select.
    i am alone . i hope you make a reply for a guy who is alone and getting exhausting.
  13. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    I know that exams are extremely stressful. Make time for yourself even if it's hard. Drink a tea, read a book, maybe go for a small walk when you feel like the urges overwhelm you. Some people say cold showers are the best. I only can tell you what worked for me, I'm afraid there isn't one big solution for everyone. The first 14 days are hard, but so are the remaining 100, 200 and so on. Observer yourself and your behaviour, your thoughts and your actions. You can ask people for advice, but in the end the most important part is that you learn from your one behaviour.
    Many people on here and out there have a childhood that was traumatising in some way, it's almost natural for us to search relieve in our addictions. You have to learn to let go of those things eventually, or else you'll never be free. I don't know what else I could tell you, I hope you have the strength to get through your exams. You are never truly alone, even if it might feel so from time to time.
  14. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 30

    And I wish I could feel proud, but I feel tired and sad, mainly because I have some issues with a good friend. I don't know how to fix this situation, if it even is fixable. Things are so tense right now. I guess I'll try to talk to her, but I'm tired of talking and explaining myself. If had this in the past multiple times, people left my life because I was too emotional, too much... I don't want to fix myself to a point where I don't recognize myself any more. The steps I'm taking right now are right for me, helpful. Not having any emotions cannot be healthy in any way... Why are people so complicated...
  15. First of all congratulations on completing 1 month Ms Liona!! Its an amazing achievement !!

    You can try & go to the distance for saving & maintaining a relationship but if other person isn't willing to go the distance then it isn't under your control.. You can only do your part, rest is not in your hands.. If it's meant to be then it will happen, otherwise it's better to forgive, forget, move on, better yourself & have some peace of mind :) Its just my opinion, I've learnt it the hard way though..

    Anyways cheers & continue your journey!! You're doing good Ms Liona :)
    liona and Livispacerocket88 like this.
  16. rebooter920

    rebooter920 Fapstronaut

    the first question came in this situation is what to do

    so, you need to learn please to those only qho really matters for you,try to understand the situation whether it's a misunderstanding is going on

    secondly and best possible outcome is ask him directly and talk him in a situation when you going to met. don't be dare to ask ,ask him directly because strong people ask for help directly.

    third possibility is the leave the situation and depend upon fortune, the worst thing you can do.

    if you still not understand the scene then ask your relatives, eg:- when i am in problem ask my mom,dad or even sometime experience holder of house grandparents .
    keep going, if any thing you want to ask make a reply
    bye bye
    liona likes this.
  17. daemonswithin

    daemonswithin Fapstronaut

    Congratulations on making it to 30 days! I hope you can take a moment and reflect on how well you're progressing. I know the situation with your friend is affecting your mood, and I'm sorry for that, but at the same time you've come a long way. Part of the challenge for me is learning how to respond to my emotions in a healthy manner, and it seems as if you may have the same challenge as well. This is unsurprising as it's a common theme with addiction. You're right in that it's not about eliminating emotions, but rather not letting our emotions have power of us to the point that addiction seems like the only escape or way out. It isn't, nor will it ever be, but figuring that out is difficult.

    You're 30 days sober from your compulsions. You're on the precipice of a lasting recovery. You've experienced difficulties and challenges over the past month that didn't drive you to PMO. These are all things to be proud of, liona! I'm definitely proud of you. I read a great saying recently: When running up a hill, it's all right to give up as many times as you wish -- as long as your feet keep moving.

    You're reclaiming your life, and you have the strength and will to continue on. Keep moving and we'll do the same right next to you!
    liona and Deleted Account like this.
  18. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Thank you two! I tried to talk to them, they have some issues they have to face right now too. We all have our baggage I guess. I know I cannot force friendships or harmony. It sometimes feels like things are always slipping away. But I have hope that as long as I keep moving forward I will meet new people and things will work out in some way.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  19. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Thank you soo much! Your words really touched me! I'm allowing myself to feel proud. It definitely helps to hear others day it too. You're absolutely right, there were some obstacles and not so great days in those last 30 days, and I pushed through without PM and I'm really really happy about this. It really feels like I can get things under control, even if just for some time. I really felt miserable because of the conflict, I'm pretty sure I could've handled things better, but I could also made things worse, so I try to concentrate on this.
    I will keep moving! I'm recovering, this hill still looks scary at times, but I'm looking forward to reach the top eventually.
  20. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 33

    I've been sick for the last few days. So I've spent most of the time in bed. I still don't feel up to doing some exercises, I really hope I can start again next week. I don't want to have those long pauses between my exercises, or else I'll lose my motivation again. I know that recovery is important, but so is getting bet on track. Maybe with a lower workload at first.
    I'm a little bit disappointed that I couldn't work with my new week-plan. But yeah, you cannot plan sicknesses and things like that, I just have to accept that I tried my best until I was knocked out. I'm looking forward to next week, hopefully fully recovered and able to face my next challenge!
    Deleted Account and CrisReis22 like this.

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