liona's journey

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by liona, Jul 31, 2018.

  1. daemonswithin

    daemonswithin Fapstronaut

    Keep with it, liona. I too struggle with depression and feeling lost. Still trying to figure out how to overcome it. I've been going through a workbook called the The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression, and it's helped me shift my perspective a bit. One of the main concepts I've struggled coming to terms with is the fact that depression isn't something just happens to you. It's a choice, a behavior, and a mindset, which means all of us have the power within ourselves to overcome it. Granted, that's a 30,000 foot view of what I've been reading, and I'm nowhere near finished yet, so I don't have the solutions, but I suppose my goal here is to offer a bit of hope, understanding and knowledge that you aren't alone. I've been struggling with thoughts of returning to my addiction, and I know that's never the answer, but it's one that gives me comfort, which makes me hate it even more. One thing I do know through experience, is if we ride out these lows and diligently get past them, eventually we'll get out from the bottom and hit a high, but that's the opposite extreme. Eventually, the highs and lows will start getting closer and closer to each other and will normalize near the middle, and that's were true peace and comfort resides. The journey to get there isn't easy, but it's there for the taking!
    liona and Deleted Account like this.
  2. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    I agree with everything you say. I'm working myself through a book called "Undoing Depression" and it really helped me to see things differently. Doesn't always make things easier though, and I know that I have the biggest power to overcome this. Wasn't at a good place yesterday, or the day before. I still feel kind of sluggish today but I think I'll manage. Another day 7 is waiting for me~
  3. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    I'm sooo tired today, I don't know why honestly... maybe it's just one of those withdrawal symptoms, I don't know. It feels bad~
    I'm going to meet a friend in an hour. I'm glad that I'm not alone this evening, my girlfriend will come home late because she's training.
    I just pasted another little star onto my little nofap-chart in front of me. Slowly catching up to my last streak.
    I really try to make every moment better, shift my thoughts and everything. But things are pulling me down. I try those positive activities I wrote down with my therapist, but everything is just "meh". I don't want to whine, then again, this is my journal so I can allow myself to ramble on here I guess.
    I still want those positive things for myself, it's not like I've given up. This is just one of those black streaks I think, spiralling upward but ever so often there is this small dip downwards before it's getting up again.
    I also had a 'bad drawing day', I know those come and go too but yeah, just another thing piling up and giving me those thoughts that I am not good enough in any way. This is another which came first thing: does my bad mood affect my ability to draw, or does my somewhat shifting ability gives me bad mood? Who knows.
  4. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 8
    The pressure overwhelmed me this morning. I'm still PM free but I started to stuff too much food into me again, the weight is going up and I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm battling too many things at once. I once heard some girl talk about NoFap and how it helped her to get stronger in every other area of her life, including food. I'm still hoping for this to happen to me. To find strength in other things I'm improving, instead it just feels like I'm unable to handle my stress without those unnatural remedies. I'm meditating, exercising, reading... I don't know what more I could do to really help myself. Maybe I'll just have to be patient with this. I don't expect things to change by themselves. I know I have to fully commit myself and everything. Wish it would be easier, then again I learned how to deal with my stress this way for years now. Sometimes I have trouble to believe that I can really change myself for the better.
  5. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 9

    I've been really really down yesterday. To a point where I was crying in public. I calmed down at the end of the day and had one major realization. I have to be kind to myself. I cannot give up now. Things may seem hard on some days but well, those days will pass, they always do. It seems to be so mundane but I think many big realizations are. I don't know if I even realize how strong I am right now. I did my morning routine again, my yoga, my meditation, I didn't let myself be too impressed of the bad mood of yesterday. There were many points in my life where those sad days would've resulted in me not wanting to get out of bed the next day. But here I am, writing, trying to hold onto my routine. Going on step at a time, again, and again. I don't really feel sad at this moment, not really happy either, but whatever. Feelings come and go and one day I will be strong enough to just endure the sadness without letting it pull me down. I feel at peace today.
    Deleted Account and Retro Girl like this.
  6. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    Sorry to hear you were so down, wishing you strength :)
  7. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 10

    I could barely sleep last night because my throat hurt so much. I just woke up at 3pm and yeah, now I'm sure that I have a cold. I hope things will fix themselves soon enough. I really don't feel like doing any kind of exercise or being productive in any way, and I guess that's okay but it still feels shitty.
    Tomorrow is a birthday party of a good friend and so far I'm not sure if I will be able to attend and that feels really bad too.
  8. Well take some rest & have some warm soup.. You'll feel better :) See our healths are more important than any social occasions, look I get how it sucks to miss something we were looking forward to but taking care of ourselves is more important !! Also it sucks to not have a good night's sleep, I'm barely sleeping 2.5-3 hrs these days in the night, although I'm compensating it in the afternoon.. Cheers & get well soon!! Congrats on reaching double digits btw!!
  9. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 13

    I'm incredibly tired. Physically I'm better, mentally I'm just exhausted. My girlfriend is in some deeper depression right now and I'm not always able to handle that. We tried to have sex yesterday but failed and then I felt miserable, she too, everything felt just so empty. It's not like I don't love her anymore or anything, it's currently just very rough for both of us. Money is a problem and that I'm on edge doesn't really help.
    I'm not too happy to have had this pause where I wasn't able to maintain my morning routine, but well sicknesses come and go, it's okay to rest for some days.
    On the plus side: I'm happy to have achieved 12 days again, caught up to my last streak.
    I hope I'll be able to complete some things today. I still have to prepare things for an upcoming phone call with a potential traineeship.
    Retro Girl and Deleted Account like this.
  10. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 14

    There is a sadness lying on my mind. Not sure why. Maybe it's just my body trying to trick me into going back, I don't know. I hope this is just another black sky before I see the sun. I haven't felt this down in a long time - at the same time I didn't hold a streak for such a long time either. I don't know if some part of me warns me that I'm taking some bad steps right now, job wise, but I have to try things out before I rule them out completely. I'm meeting a good friend later, not sure if I'm in the right mood for that, I cried in public in the past too, when I thought it would be clever to leave the house. Oh well, another thing I'll just have to test I guess.
    Retro Girl and Deleted Account like this.
  11. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 15

    Still a little bit tired but feeling more stable.
    Didn't got up early as I'd liked.
    I have an important phone call today, which may lead to an internship.
    Not much to say. In this moment I feel like I have NoFap more under control than my problem with overeating. I guess if I'd concentrate on that, NoFap would become much more difficult. So yeah I'm not changing my priorities at the moment but at the same time I still hope that things will get better on every aspect.
  12. ryyyouxx_

    ryyyouxx_ Fapstronaut

    hi there! all the best! let's keep fighting together !
    liona and Deleted Account like this.
  13. Max Dudent

    Max Dudent Fapstronaut

    Hope you are doing good, stay Strong! Venting on nofap is a good way to get rid of some of the stress and frustration. Remember to stay strong and keep going...
    liona likes this.
  14. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Thank you @ryyyouxx_ and @Max Dudent :emoji_blush:

    Day 16

    I'm doing the "Coping with Cravings" meditation from the headspace app now for three days, and I'm curious to see how it may affect me. Meditation is the biggest thing that helps me to get out of bed in the morning, especially now when it's starting to get cold. When I'm lying there thinking "I don't want to get up, I don't want to face my problems, I don't want to do Yoga, it's exhausting ..." it helps me to change my mind and just make this small deal with myself: Just do your meditation for 10 minutes, you don't have to do anything else.
    And once I've done my meditation my resistance for getting up goes from 10 to 0, it's amazing. (Maybe to a 1 when it's especially cold haha)
    I had a small misunderstanding with my phone call yesterday, it was really awkward for me, but things were cleared up and I have another appointment on Friday. This means there is still some stress floating around me, but I guess that's always the case.
    I'm also in a small cold-war with a good friend, I'm not sure how I will handle those things, I just hope that if this relationship is important enough, things will get better.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 17

    Having some kind of interview today, feeling anxious especially because of the misunderstanding on Wednesday. I hope I will be brave and that I wont got into the victim role again ~
    I'm tired again but mainly because I don't get up as early as this usually. It's now 8am and I used to sleep until 10am in those last days.
    I feel stressed because I don't have my slow morning, which I really enjoy. And I'm still not sure if a 9-5 job is the right thing for me. It doesn't feel like it. I'll see what the future brings, if I really enjoy the internship I'll give this a try, if not, I'll start to take my writing and my art more serious, for at least 3-6 month, and then I'll see where that takes me. There is something missing in my life that's causing the relapses and the depression and I have to find out what exactly it is.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  16. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 20

    I've been pretty busy, things are good I think. There is still some stress and tension but I'm positive that things will work themselves out.
    Everything hurts from a Yoga-Session from yestreday, so I'm taking a rest day today.
    I'm having my longest streak since I've been on this website. I'm happy about this. When I think about porn right now it's really not something I want to have back in my life. I guess my biggest struggle is still that I'm overcompensating with food so much and I need to find a regulation for this. Generally for dealing better with being stressed, bored or sad...
    Deleted Account likes this.
  17. Hey first of all congrats on reaching 20 days :) Yeah there will be tough days but keep going !! You will feel alot better along the journey !!

    Are you eating more of sugary/junk food these days??
  18. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Thank you!! :)
    Yeah more snack food in general, most of the time salty snacks, I'm addicted to Pringles. I try to cut them out of my life but I'm afraid to make too many changes at once, because things usually start to break apart when I do that D:
    I think it would be better to concentrate on eating healthy vs. not eating junk, but when I have my lazy/sad days it's just so much easier to grab the convenient food. Well I bought some apples last week, so I hope those will help me a little bit ^^"
    Deleted Account likes this.
  19. Ah I see, too much salty food isnt good for the heart.. But hey cut 1 addiction at a time, when you're stable, you can move onto next.. Yeah thats true.. As you're doing yoga & stuff like that, it is a good habit !!

    I know it is, the comfort of food on those days.. When you feel like eating healthy then definitely eat it.. Slowly & steadily, you'll like to eat healthy more often.. Yeah as they say, "An apple a day, keeps the doctor away.." ;)

    I have been lazy myself so I'm trying to eat healthy & then get into exercise & stuff like that.. Had a schedule but it went to a toss after a few setbacks.. But yeah, I will keep trying..

    Anyway cheers & good luck !!
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 26, 2018
    liona likes this.
  20. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Yesterday I've seen a video about dopamine-fasting, and how this one guy fasts 1-2 days every year. No internet, no food, no masturbation, no talking, no things that are fun in any way, to reset himself. My girlfriend and I are thinking about trying this out for one Sunday, maybe even the next one. The thought is quite scary. You are allowed to write, especially about all the negative feelings that come to the surface. I bet there will be quite a lot, we don't get to this point without having stored some dark things inside of us for too long.
    Today I'm calm. I'm happy that I've got those 20 days behind me, they seemed so far away when I restarted. I'm experimenting with my fasting times a little bit, I started with Intermitting Fasting some weeks ago, I did this 2-3 times already and it always did help me to get my food consumption a little bit under control, until it didn't. I do find time regulation easier than regulating caloric intake, in the end it's often the same thing, for me at last.
    Some days it feels really scary to let go of all those things that allegedly give me so much joy, but when I think about it, most of those things are really wasted time. Why should I want those things in my life? I'm always complaining how I don't improve enough in art, or how I'm not able to finish any project, and then I turn around and play some video game for 8 hours straight. It's not that bad anymore but yeah, shouldn't I be feeling really excited to finally free myself of those things? To get 'my shit together' to feel like I could complete everything? To finally have those books I've been dreaming about in my hand.
    Honestly I almost couldn't sleep last night because I really got excited that I may change for the better. Being at this point I immedialty get scared too, what if I fall back? What if things don't work out? What if I will be the same, forever? Not changing anything in the long run?
    BUT what if I succeed? What if I finally have those projects together? What if I finally do improve? And most importantly: What if I get to a point, where simple things can make me happy?

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